a new normal

[AlisonUK]

The spotlight is very much on him to explain away the A. Is that a resentment for him? I'm trying to think of the best way to explain this, but in my own sitch, I am mindful that my H's behaviour has been appalling, he stepped outside the M and yet I almost feel gulity that he is the bad guy when it was me who drove him away (not withstanding that it takes 2 to wreck a M). It's almost like I "made" him do it and now I'm blaming him and making him feel guilty while I sit here with a halo on. This is a conversation I want to reach deep into with my H.

This is so insightful, Pommy. I know when I look back at my role in my marriage going wrong, I feel a lot of sorrow. There's a very fine balance to be had between taking responsibility for your own actions and their contribution, and taking so much responsibility that you rob your partner of the space to deal with their own stuff and take responsibility for that. I know blame is a way of shifting responsibility onto others, and the kind of unproductive guilt that turns you into a doormat can often involve absorbing responsibility for stuff that rightly belongs to someone else.

What also compounds this is that when any of us feel guilty or ashamed or sorrowful about our past behaviour - knowing that we've hurt ourselves and our partners and our marriage, knowing that we've really let ourselves down and we aren't the person we wanted to be - we cry out for some kind of reassurance or comfort. Usually, when we mess up, it is our partner we turn to for that unconditional acceptance or understanding. For the safe place to heal and lick our wounds before we get back out there in the world and do better. But when the person you've hurt is your partner, that safe place is gone - for them, yes, and that's more important - but for you too. I think there's a lot of that going on in most of our situations - Wayward Spouses feeling awful for what they've done, and not being able to access the comfort and safety and understanding of their partners, so they cope by minimising or denying or blaming. I don't know what the answer is - other than, for a while, a third party to provide some of that acceptance and safety and empathy - not an AP, but a therapist. And that takes a lot of time.

[may22]

Wooba, CW, Alison, Cardinal, Pommy... I really am so grateful to all of you. Thank you for being there for me.

My gut feeling here is that this is his work to do, and anything that you do or don't do with the aim of getting him to see or accept or trust your changes is likely to come of as manipulative - you want him to get on board and accept your changes because sure - he'll be happier - but also because he's then more likely to act in ways you want him to, right?

I think his work is to look carefully at who you are today, rather than seeing you through the lens of the past, or his own resentment or hurt or lack of trust. And he will either do that, or not do it, in his own time. I think here, some detachment for you is needed: his reactions to or opinions about your changes are his own to deal with, and how he feels as a result of his lack of trust is also on him. You just live your life the best way you know how, and respond to him as he is today the best way you know how.

You're right, it is definitely not a selfless thing for me to want him to accept the changes and forgive the past. The more I've thought about it over the last few days, the more I think it is at least a part of the emotional blockage towards being able to really see me and love me for who I am today. I do think I didn't see him for a long time, and his AP did. Now, I feel like he is just so stuck in the past in/re our dynamic especially around sex and control that he can't see me for who I am today and can't forgive me for what he sees as my betrayal over many, many years. And, I do think it is linked to his own justification for his behavior in starting the A, so there is difficulty in him accepting the changes because he'd convinced himself I would never change, I didn't love him, I was asexual, etc. Accepting my changes means to him, I think, accepting that there were other possible ways to address the problem than the path he chose.

I agree, this is his work, and I do need to back off and let him focus on himself, no matter how much I want him to do this I can't make him-- and I also need to stay far away from anything that can be perceived as controlling or manipulative. I partially wish we were back in MC, because it gave us some structure to talk about some of this stuff-- I think his IC is a bit of an echo chamber-- but also agree that as you said in your next post, he does need an IC who can provide empathy and safety and acceptance, and I definitely think his IC does this for him. He has no-one else who would give that to him around these issues, I know. His mom wholly disapproves, and he's told his brother and one good friend tiny bits of the truth, no one else.

Wooba, to your point, maybe now that I've pointed it out he'll be more attuned (or not)-- all I can do is just keep doing what I've been doing and he'll either accept it and lose his guilt or not.

Wow, May! You covered a lot of ground. I'm super-impressed that you remembered all that and were able to write it down!

Ha, this is partially my journal these days and it really helps me to get it all out on paper. Also, if I treat this space like my journal, I think it helps keep me honest. Sometimes I write down things he said that I have some discomfort around and wonder if they'll be called out by other posters. It actually helps me get a better sense of how I feel about things when I think of how the board might respond.

he deleted every Whatsapp converstaion but also got sloppy at times. His IC said that the sloppiness was probably intentional - he wanted me to find out so that everything could come out in the open, and he didnt have to hide anymore. I remember after I found out that he had taken a day off work to spend with EAP he said "i guess you can kick me out now". I think they get to a point where they know that the situation they have created is not sustainable and they dont know how to get out; they need someone else to take control,, or for the dynamics to change.

I had the same thought when he said this. He told me the other night what he had been waiting for was, weirdly, my blessing. He needed that in order to leave. (He also said he didn't remember me saying to go, which I know I did very clearly and he refused to, right after the final BD multiple times... he said he never felt it was real. I'm not 100% sure what to make of that, if I was failing at DB, if he was hearing what he wanted to hear, or if his memory is fuzzy and colored with what has happened since.)

The spotlight is very much on him to explain away the A. Is that a resentment for him? I'm trying to think of the best way to explain this, but in my own sitch, I am mindful that my H's behaviour has been appalling, he stepped outside the M and yet I almost feel gulity that he is the bad guy when it was me who drove him away (not withstanding that it takes 2 to wreck a M). It's almost like I "made" him do it and now I'm blaming him and making him feel guilty while I sit here with a halo on. This is a conversation I want to reach deep into with my H.

Do you mean do I feel resentment towards him about the A? Yes I do, though not a huge amount. It surfaces more when I feel frustrated about the pace of "recovery" and the feeling that he hasn't really grappled with why beyond the pat long-term explanation of the SSM. He said the other night it never would have happened if we were having sex. That when he first met AP she asked him about our marriage and he said to her he had a great marriage, and then when they talked more he started to question it because of the SSM. He told her how infrequently we slept together and she was like REALLY?!?? which made him "realize" our R was not, actually, all that great, which then made him question his whole life and the fact that he thought it was normal that we rarely slept together-- because I'd told him it was-- then morphed into I controlled everything, even how he thought, etc etc.

Anyway... all that to say that in our conversations it really hasn't been me with the halo and him the big bad guy. I almost feel the opposite, that he blames me for setting the environment in which he was tempted to stray, even though he's careful to say he knows what he did was really terrible, etc. I feel like I'm pushing him to go beyond that explanation he's relied on for all these months and understand what the tipping point was, when he could have stopped it before he got in too deep. I feel like it snowballed also in that as he engaged further and further into the A, he felt like he had to be serious with it because otherwise what was he doing? He's said this to me a few times-- again the other night-- that what was he doing with two years of his life, hurting me, potentially hurting the kids, hurting AP-- all for what? And I do want him to grapple with this and really take responsibility for his choices. I don't feel he's really there yet.

With the SSM, I'm definitely willing to engage in my own behaviors and why and how it needs to change. I told him I'm willing to dig in there for as long as it takes for him to heal and forgive me... but at some point he will need to forgive me, and we'll also have to dig into his side of the equation.

Cardinal, I want to address the SSM questions you have but am running out of time... will do it either here or on your own thread soon!

[Sage4]

May, you are so self-reflective and aware of the complex dynamics happening with your H and within your R. It is impressive.

Reading your post, the thing that keeps standing out to me is that you both need more time. When you look deep, what are your expectations for the timeline of this process? Did you hope that it would move more swiftly than it has? How is that impacting your view of your current status? Or impacting your feelings towards H?

From an outsider's perspective, the time between the end of the PA and today seems like a relatively short period of time. Especially since this A was going on for 2 years. All the folks in piecing (BluWave being a prime example) have taken years to get to the bottom of some of the issues you are reflecting on.

Do you think that your self-awareness has allowed you to move on quicker than your H? So that you are about a mile ahead of him, impatiently waiting for him to hurry and catch up with you (you have changed! You have forgiven, more or less! You are here and ready to start the repairs in earnest!)? Which plays into May the controller dynamic for your H?

Sorry if I am out of place with this. But what if you took his lead on the timeline? What would it feel like to be grateful for his breadcrumbs again instead of frustrated at his lack of heartily leaning in? The breadcrumb analogy may be poorly placed, but where I am headed is having less expectations right now. Trusting H's process as much as you trust your own. Maybe there is a middle ground? Could you address this with your H?

Take it all with a grain of salt, I would be thrilled to be in your shoes right now, so I may be projecting!

[may22]

Hi Sage,

You're completely right on the timeline and my impatience. Patience has always been very difficult for me and this entire situation has been an exercise in learning to stretch that muscle, but it is still uncomfortable for me and something I need to keep working on. I don't think I had specific expectations, or if I did they were further out, like I thought it would take a good three months for him to get over AP and be in a place where rebuilding the M with me would be possible, and maybe six months to a year to get to a place where we'd at least know if it was going to work or not.

It is just that it takes a toll, not feeling wanted (which would make my H go nuts given the SSM). In the crisis mode, where you probably are right now and I was for a good amount of time, not knowing what was going on with the AP, was he going to choose to stay or go, worrying all the time about the children and finances and all the rest-- you're running on adrenaline. Your whole body is in fight-or-flight and I shoved down a lot of the feelings I had about what I was feeling personally about the whole thing in order to stand, to DB, to focus on the children (which was what I told myself over and over was the reason I was even willing to stand for the M). With some distance and a measure of safety, I have gone through some bouts of anger and also feeling the loss for myself of a romantic/loving H. I saw what you wrote on Pommy's thread and that re-establishment of limerence, dating, romantic gestures-- none of that is present right now and TBH I want it.

It is ironic that for years and years, what I have right now would have been absolutely ideal. Great H, father, partner, funny, caring, supportive, doing waaaaay more of the cooking and shopping and household work than he ever had before, and mostly not bothering me for sex... I would have been in heaven. Now, of course, I want the whole package. I think also for me I've had this vision, stemming from all the reading I've done about infidelity and recovery, that maybe we had to go through this trauma in order to get to M2.0 that will be way better and more fulfilling than M1.0 ever was. I think I want this to all have been worth it.

A couple of months ago I went through an angry phase and really wanting my questions answered, and some wise folks on this board talked me down and said exactly what you're saying-- take it slow, his timeline is not yours, let it be. He is doing what he can right now. And I was actually able to do that until the last couple of weeks when I started agitating again about wanting to close the door on the questions about the A. I actually feel really good about that part, I'm glad we got through it, it was far, far better than the same conversation would have gone two months ago. So, my dropping expectations, refocusing on myself and what I can control, and letting him go through his own process-- in that case it worked. I just need to keep doing it. (And as an aside, I think with the May the controller dynamic, this is probably the only way forward for us as a couple-- he really needs to feel an equal partner and contributor to the pace and work, etc.)

Thanks for this... it was really helpful.

[wayfarer]

Hey May,
I've been lurking on you but haven't had much to say. Since the anniversary I've been in a really weird space and I'm only really commenting when I feel like I can contribute anything of use. But I wanted to drop in and let you know I'm here an I care. And I'm paying attention I'm so glad to hear how well that talk went for you. And I'm even more excited to hear how you're working on our 2 favorite things patience and control...lol.

It is ironic that for years and years, what I have right now would have been absolutely ideal. Great H, father, partner, funny, caring, supportive, doing waaaaay more of the cooking and shopping and household work than he ever had before, and mostly not bothering me for sex... I would have been in heaven. Now, of course, I want the whole package. I think also for me I've had this vision, stemming from all the reading I've done about infidelity and recovery, that maybe we had to go through this trauma in order to get to M2.0 that will be way better and more fulfilling than M1.0 ever was. I think I want this to all have been worth it.

My IC and my bff asked me this week how are H and I getting along. Kind of a yeah I get it you're sleeping together and stuck in the house but how are you really doing thing. And I said great. We get along great. We don't fight. We still get a little annoyed with each other once in a while. But it's mostly him taking jokes too far or getting moody. Or me and my "well actually" or when I say my this or my that instead of our. For some reason that gets him lately. IDK. But he's exactly the H I wanted like a year ago. Helpful around the house. Helpful with the family workload period. We have sex 3 days a week when I had to beg for it before. He's thoughtful. He's considerate. But I think that has also caused a lot of the weirdness I'm feeling right now. Like I want all the crap I've been through to be worth it. Just like you said. With this version of my H. But with the romance. Like the sex is great. The parenting is great. The roommate part is great. But I'm ready for my whole husband. And I'm so tired of being partly his wife. Honestly I think this is where the idea of piecing comes from. Because with my experience as a WW and now as an LBS I can see the relationship doesn't come back all at once with a cheater on their knees begging for forgiveness. This isn't the movies. We have to each put our selves back together first. Then then MR comes back together one piece at at time. Then it's a matter of structuring all those pieces back together in a very kintsugi kind of way. While the process is beautiful. It's really exhausting.

(And as an aside, I think with the May the controller dynamic, this is probably the only way forward for us as a couple-- he really needs to feel an equal partner and contributor to the pace and work, etc.)

This also came up with IC and bff this week, but in diametrically opposing ways. IC wanted to know what I felt I needed from him if he says he wants to try. I said he needs to fix himself, and be willing to work on the MR. I want him in IC and I want do what ever he's willing to tolerate to work on our MR: counseling, retreats, webinars, online classes, workshops, books, I don't care as long as it isn't more of the same. And we can't just pretend none of this happened. I know he's not ok. He really should speak to someone. Also I've been doing all this work on me. For what if we do R and I just let him dictate that too? IC felt, like all the vets and all the books say, that I have every right to require something of him for him to return. And that it can be whatever I feel I need. But that I may need to work on gentle ways of asking for what I need, because let's be real, I'm not gentle. Bff however felt more that maybe my expectations need to be a little lower because IC is a super personal decision. That maybe I really need to focus on what I want from him as far as working on our MR and in the process he might come to the conclusion on his own that he should address somethings. Because well, I have control issues, (shock right?) and she worries that me demanding what I think I need would set us back instead of trying to find a way to collaborate on getting back on track. That equal partner thing....ugh. I know that's the goal but dear lord why does this have to be so much work? lol

I feel like my sitch is always about 2 or 3 steps behind yours. So your posts always give me hope, and somethings to think about going forward. But they also remind me that I'm just not done being exhausted yet. Lots of love, May.
xoxo

[Sage4]

WF, first of all I want to bow to you for using the concept of kintsugi in your post. At my lowest moments, I imagine all my broken parts being healed in gold and somehow being a more beautiful person in spite of my brokenness. Well placed analogy, bravo.

May and WF, I see so much progress in both of your stories. You both rave about your current partners:

But he's exactly the H I wanted like a year ago. Helpful around the house. Helpful with the family workload period. We have sex 3 days a week when I had to beg for it before. He's thoughtful. He's considerate.

It is ironic that for years and years, what I have right now would have been absolutely ideal. Great H, father, partner, funny, caring, supportive, doing waaaaay more of the cooking and shopping and household work than he ever had before, and mostly not bothering me for sex... I would have been in heaven.

What specifically is missing? Can you write it out and distill it into manageable benchmarks? This is a rhetorical question because I know that you both feel like a lot is missing and you both have defined some of those holes in your posts. What I am asking for more specifically is to write down what you need and want. In that process you may find that there are some easy fixes, some unattainable ones, and probably a whole ton of them that just need a lot of time to live their way to fruition. Patience is hard for you both, and I am cut of the same cloth so I completely relate.

I am going to go back to the conversation I had with my friend about present tense-future thinking. Writing down your goals in the present tense as if they have already happened to you. Start with I am, I feel, etc. It's a little woo woo, but the power of manifestation starts with intention and is actualized in tiny subconscious decisions we unknowingly make that lead us to our goals.

[SamCal]

may - first off, kudos. I've had time to keep up with reading but not with commenting. Wanted to briefly chime in and say:

I feel like it snowballed also in that as he engaged further and further into the A, he felt like he had to be serious with it because otherwise what was he doing? He's said this to me a few times-- again the other night-- that what was he doing with two years of his life, hurting me, potentially hurting the kids, hurting AP-- all for what? And I do want him to grapple with this and really take responsibility for his choices. I don't feel he's really there yet.

Is he afraid to admit he made a mistake and put people he love through a world of hurt? It's not like he doesn't know this, on some level. When I have felt that way about mistakes in my past (not even marriage related necessary) - sometimes the 'for what' is to grow as a person and learn a lesson. Sometimes that really affects the lives of others, but sometimes there aren't other ways to learn the full lesson. If you guys frame it that way together, do you think he'd be receptive?

[may22]

WF, I just posted on your thread... I feel you. I am so exhausted too. I love the kintsugi idea but am like omg how long is this going to take? Where are we exactly in this journey? And what if when you get to the end of the whole process, there is still a big shard missing?

Maybe I need to take a break from the boards... IDK. I definitely feel like I've been spending more time here than I should. I think I've been so tied to the idea espoused here that for true R/piecing to happen, the WS needs to be remorseful and open and willing to do whatever it takes to win you back, and I just don't see that ever happening. My H will do MC but I doubt he's going to read all the books or go to workshops or weekend retreats or any of that stuff. It will feel too much to him like control, I think. He thinks I want to wave a magic wand or do a 12 step process and things will all be better. That isn't true (I mean it sure would be lovely! But it isn't what I'm asking for) but I just don't see him being willing to do anything that feels inauthentic.

I'm leaning towards your bff here over your counselor in terms of where I should be... just letting go of all my expectations for how R "should" go and doing what feels right to me. And if it doesn't work, if we can't put it all back together again, if the missing piece is too big for me to live with... well, then, I guess we go from there.

But... that deep desire to have had this all be worth it is just so strong. It is what got me this far. And I'm scared that in the end it won't have been enough, he was right all along. We had all these discussions (before I knew the full extent of the A) about the state of our "emotional connection" (I swear if I never have to hear that phrase again I'll be ecstatic). He kept throwing out metaphors to demonstrate it was irreparable and I kept refuting them (bridge could be rebuilt, tree stump regrows, etc). However-- to Sage's point-- I think you need to believe it can be fixed and want it to be fixed in order for it to actually be possible for it to be fixed. And I'm not sure he thinks any of that right now. And I'm starting to get tired of being the only one who believes it.

Sage, I like your thoughts around intention setting and manifestation and think I might do some work around that, really think about the questions you have about what's missing and what I want and focus there. One question, though-- I've tried this whole time to have the focus of work like this on me, not reliant on my H. I feel like what I'm missing now is on his side, not mine (though of course there is still work I can do on myself). Thoughts about that?

Also... hahaha, my H is far from perfect. It cracks me up to think that in any way shape or form I can come across as raving about him. He can also still be kind of an a-hole. I am generally better at dealing with it when it happens and he is also generally better about not doing it in the first place and apologizing when he does, but it is still there. And we still bicker about stupid stuff. But overall things are much better.

WF-- 3 times a week! Dang, woman! I'm jealous (and Sage, there you are, one of my holes in my current R... I do want to be swept off my feet and made love to all night long by someone who thinks I'm gorgeous and amazing and all the rest.)

Thanks, all. I need to spend some time figuring out how to re-center myself and re-focus on me. xx

[wayfarer]

WF, I just posted on your thread... I feel you. I am so exhausted too. I love the kintsugi idea but am like omg how long is this going to take? Where are we exactly in this journey? And what if when you get to the end of the whole process, there is still a big shard missing?

So the missing shard thing had me thinking last night. And honestly my immediate reaction was a piece cut to match. That's the thing. Is even is there is a piece missing, it doesn't mean the work was for nothing. Or that you have to give up on the whole thing. The MR 2.0 I think about looks like our old MR on the surface but upon closer inspection it's not. And if we have to mold the new pieces of our selves, because neither one of us is coming out the other side of this the same, to fit then that's what we do. And if we just can't make the pieces work, then at least I know I did everything I could to try to make something beautiful out of this mess. I do have to keep talking myself down about timeline though. This stuff takes time. And I think if we talked more about us. If he said he's trying. If he said he's not looking to move out I think I'd be more patient. Do you think there's anything directly effecting your patience here? You know something that isn't just A type urgency.

Maybe I need to take a break from the boards... IDK. I definitely feel like I've been spending more time here than I should. I think I've been so tied to the idea espoused here that for true R/piecing to happen, the WS needs to be remorseful and open and willing to do whatever it takes to win you back, and I just don't see that ever happening. My H will do MC but I doubt he's going to read all the books or go to workshops or weekend retreats or any of that stuff. It will feel too much to him like control, I think. He thinks I want to wave a magic wand or do a 12 step process and things will all be better. That isn't true (I mean it sure would be lovely! But it isn't what I'm asking for) but I just don't see him being willing to do anything that feels inauthentic.

Just to be clear, when I was listing all those things they should've had ORs in between all of them. H will not doing all of those things. He definitely wouldn't read ALL the books. Maybe 2. I'd be lucky in the long run if he picked 2 things on that list at all, and was willing to talk more about us. I think my H still thinks I'm where we were for our first DC session and wanting like 6 months of intensive counseling and then slowly weaning off if we started to work again. I'm not there any more. Then I wanted him to be fixed. Now I just want us to communicate better and for him to want to work on the MR even if it's in his own way. Which I think is the place you're kinda moving toward now.

But... that deep desire to have had this all be worth it is just so strong. It is what got me this far. And I'm scared that in the end it won't have been enough, he was right all along. We had all these discussions (before I knew the full extent of the A) about the state of our "emotional connection" (I swear if I never have to hear that phrase again I'll be ecstatic). He kept throwing out metaphors to demonstrate it was irreparable and I kept refuting them (bridge could be rebuilt, tree stump regrows, etc). However-- to Sage's point-- I think you need to believe it can be fixed and want it to be fixed in order for it to actually be possible for it to be fixed. And I'm not sure he thinks any of that right now. And I'm starting to get tired of being the only one who believes it.

First even if this all falls flat in the end you get to walk away saying you tried. You did everything you possibly could to try to make this work. You sacrificed for your MR. If nothing else you learned a lot about yourself.

Next, May, he believes it. If he didn't believe it, he wouldn't be there. He's not exactly the guy who would go back to a loveless marriage just for the kids. He's rigidity regarding "authenticity" wouldn't allow him to be in a hollow relationship for appearances sake. He's just got to work around his own narrative for a while until he's willing to really rebuild that connection. It takes two to break it, it takes two to make it.

Sage, I like your thoughts around intention setting and manifestation and think I might do some work around that, really think about the questions you have about what's missing and what I want and focus there. One question, though-- I've tried this whole time to have the focus of work like this on me, not reliant on my H. I feel like what I'm missing now is on his side, not mine (though of course there is still work I can do on myself). Thoughts about that?

Imma second this question. Also manifestation is not to woo,woo for me. I've been trying to manifest my behind off this whole time. And I've been avoiding the whole I want...I have is where I'm at these days.

Also... hahaha, my H is far from perfect. It cracks me up to think that in any way shape or form I can come across as raving about him. He can also still be kind of an a-hole. I am generally better at dealing with it when it happens and he is also generally better about not doing it in the first place and apologizing when he does, but it is still there. And we still bicker about stupid stuff. But overall things are much better.

I also second this. I wouldn't say I'm raving. I mean I'll rave about the sex. That's been pretty fantastic. But who he is in some aspects a much better version of H than I was dealing with before, but he is still not 100% H yet. Every once in a while the body snatcher pops out, he snaps out of it very quickly, but he'll get short with me or the girls for absolutely no reason out of no where. And my H was always kind of a a-hole too. Lol. That hasn't really changed. We're just both better at dealing with each other.

WF-- 3 times a week! Dang, woman! I'm jealous (and Sage, there you are, one of my holes in my current R... I do want to be swept off my feet and made love to all night long by someone who thinks I'm gorgeous and amazing and all the rest.)

Yeah I'm not being told I'm gorgeous or amazing or any of that fun stuff. What we are doing I would not classify as love making. At all. It's not short. It's not disappointing by any means. But it is 100% not love making. And yeah. 3 times a week is a little shocking too. It's been like that since the break up with OW. It hadn't been like that since we first got serious. I can't say in the last 6 years other than on vacation has it been like this. To be totally honest a lot of my R questions are around this because I did really have to beg before. I cried on more than one occasion because his constant rejection started making me feel like it was me not him. But now it's like he can't keep his hands off me. I don't know.

May I know you got this. You will find center. You're going to be able to push through this plateau. I know it. xoxo

[may22]

So the missing shard thing had me thinking last night. And honestly my immediate reaction was a piece cut to match. That's the thing. Is even is there is a piece missing, it doesn't mean the work was for nothing. Or that you have to give up on the whole thing. The MR 2.0 I think about looks like our old MR on the surface but upon closer inspection it's not. And if we have to mold the new pieces of our selves, because neither one of us is coming out the other side of this the same, to fit then that's what we do. And if we just can't make the pieces work, then at least I know I did everything I could to try to make something beautiful out of this mess.

I love that. You cut a new piece to fit. Ugh, WF, you kill me sometimes. You are just the very best. Reading this just released a whole load of anxiety I didn't really realize I was carrying.

Do you think there's anything directly effecting your patience here? You know something that isn't just A type urgency.

I'm not sure. H and I ended up having a baby R talk last night, because he made a kind of a-hole-y comment during the day, I asked why did you say that, and he gave me a real answer, which pissed me off, since I thought I was giving him an opportunity to say oh, sorry, didn't mean to hurt your feelings. We ended up having this talk where he said I have all these expectations for everything built up in my mind, and he feels like if he doesn't match them exactly word-for-word he loses. So like in this case, I asked him why he said that but I meant, you're being an a-hole and expected him to read between the lines and understand this. It was a really interesting conversation because of course my immediate response (which I was able to hold in) was totally defensive but I just listened, I told him I didn't want him to feel like that, and as we talked it through I realized he has a point, not just in this little situation but for this whole thing (we did a little jumping back and forth between this incident and the greater situation). He said he feels like I have it all laid out in my mind and if he doesn't toe the line exactly I'm upset. And that sometimes he has good ideas too.

Anyway, that combined with your question about my patience and some of our conversation on your thread yesterday got me to thinking more on expectations and timelines and patience. I don't think I have any good reasons for being impatient, just my standard I want it done yesterday. I need to keep thinking on this.

Though I could use your advice on one stupid timeline reason that I just pushed out... after BD#1, I spent some time thinking about what I wanted to do for myself. There have been a number of outcomes around self-care, exercising, yoga, etc in that realm but one thing I've wanted to do for probably a decade was botox my elevens which have been bothering me since I was in my early 30s. My H was totally against it. So when this all happened I decided to do it. I did a ton of research, found a really good doc, and got it done. I've done it every three months since then and he has NO IDEA. It is such a small amount, it isn't expensive at all, and literally no one has noticed but me... and I love it. So I had set in my mind that I would need to tell him once we Red. However, I haven't wanted to yet because I don't feel ready yet to tell him something that I think might trigger some thoughts in him of me being insecure in my looks, which both isn't really the case, but also not something I feel is a good thing for him to think about in/re to me right now. The doc's office is open again and I originally had an appointment for May, which I pushed off to this week, and now pushed off to the end of June.

If I put myself in his shoes, I'd be really pissed if I found out that I was keeping this secret and theoretically put my family at risk to go do something kind of selfish and shallow. Like all the women who have been freaking out about their botox and roots isn't who I am. And with everything going on in the world it just seems so petty and maybe that $200 is better spent donated to BLM or something. Anyway. I'm in this weird space about it because to me, getting botox had really represented the first time I made a choice to do something wholly for me and I didn't care that my H disapproved. It was like the first real statement I made to myself about being my own woman and focusing on me, and is connected to all those other things I've been working on too, being comfortable with being a woman not just a mom, etc. So part of me feels like if I stop I'm going backwards in my own journey in all of this. But I really don't feel comfortable doing it without him knowing b/c of the pandemic.

So... I know this all feels really shallow and stupid and I'm kind of embarrassed to even be sharing it here. But it is part of my confusion right now, and I did have this idea that I'd eventually tell him about the botox and he'd be able to (a) see it wasn't that big of a deal since he never even noticed (he thought it would look fake and also kind of despises plastic surgery generally) and (b) it all ties in for me with me caring for myself, doing things for myself, and if he could understand why I wanted it and accept that in me without being judgmental, it would mean a lot. At this point, I have pushed out the appointment to the end of June and I'm thinking I won't do it until I can be honest with him about it. But that partially makes me feel like I'm pushing my own needs down.

OMG I can't believe I just wrote all that about botox. I'm so tempted to delete the whole thing. Friends, don't judge me.

Now I just want us to communicate better and for him to want to work on the MR even if it's in his own way. Which I think is the place you're kinda moving toward now.

Yes, I think so... though it isn't easy for me. I'd still prefer something more organized and sooner

Next, May, he believes it. If he didn't believe it, he wouldn't be there. He's not exactly the guy who would go back to a loveless marriage just for the kids. He's rigidity regarding "authenticity" wouldn't allow him to be in a hollow relationship for appearances sake. He's just got to work around his own narrative for a while until he's willing to really rebuild that connection. It takes two to break it, it takes two to make it.

This made me feel so good to read. But I'm not 100% sure it is true. He has said he feels we have all these amazing parts of our R, just missing this one piece, and is so so dedicated to the kids right now I think he wouldn't see it as a hollow R. I think he may be thinking he will make his peace with that part maybe being gone forever but it was worth it for the sake of the children and, honestly, also for me, his best friend and partner. I want to believe this and I do agree that he needs time, needs to work around his own narrative until he's willing... I guess just another place where I need to be patient and let go of my expectations. Either he will do this or he won't, in his own time.

The other interesting thing about our mini R talk last night is that he said he's been trying to show me that he loves me through acts of service, which he knows is my primary LL. He knew I was pissy about the a-hole comment yesterday so he took the kids out on some errands and went to a special store to get me a liqueur I've been wanting for cocktails. So when we talked last night he said hey, I'm trying to show you ILY, doing these acts of service up the wazoo... and I realized that he is explicitly trying to show me he cares. So maybe there is truth to what you say, just in his own time and his own way and not exactly how I would have thought it would be done. (Yes, I clearly still have work to do here.)

May I know you got this. You will find center. You're going to be able to push through this plateau. I know it. xoxo

xoxo