Solid advice from LH. I 100% agree. I want to focus on another point--
Originally Posted by Core
I want relief from the feeling that I'm being used. As I mentioned in the past, W gets to be SAHM, no job, enjoy her hobbies and spend.
You say you feel used. I suspect you have opportunities to enjoy your hobbies and spend, too! Is the "Core" reason you feel used that she's not working a fair 8hrs per day? Have you considered on-call childcare, shopping, bills, summer planning, cooking, repairs, cleaning, etc.? When you D, she'll get alimony from you to pay her bills, do hobbies, and spend. The court will expect her to work or train herself to work, too. I've dated SAHMs amazed by the free time they got from 75% custody, and others shocked they had to work.
True. I have the opportunity to spend, I just don't as I'm aware of our current financial sitch and future sitch if we D. I share most of the responsibilities you mentioned. Basically after work, I'm like a SAHD. Minus my exercise days and some extra time for myself. SAHMs win big from most D's, that makes sense.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Legit just read your last two posts back to back. You are not ok. I’ve been sweet. I’ve been matter of fact. I’ve been funny, and I’ve chastised you and still you spin the same over and over again. Seriously I don’t care what W is or isn’t doing. What is it that you’re doing? LH’s advice is great and all if you had any direction and had been working on yourself for the last 9 months, but you haven’t.
Have so. :P
Seriously, the pushes help me, thank you. Also I dont remember seeing a sweet Wayfarer. I've spent I dunno how many hours since BD working on myself. Not where I need to be yet, I can agree. Im stopping the spin at my pace, as much is as possible with two kids at home that are ages requiring an immense amount of time. I could be adding feeling to your texts here. It looks like my spins and emotions grind on you. You will probably see more if you continue to support me here. Not saying I don't want support. I don't want to set you back, if I am.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
People fix their marriage without physically separating. Steve85, for example. It happens, it can work so this BS narrative that it’s impossible is tired and untrue.
True...Hoosjim as well. Miss that guy, hope he's ok.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
What is true is W will never miss you while you’re there because of your completely uncontrolled anxiety.
Yes, thats true. She doesn't see it like you all do. It all comes out on the board and with my IC so it doesn't spill over to my kids, work or W. You all see the worst of the worst. I've had about 30 minutes total anxiety and 40 min spinning the last 4 days total. I'm quite amazed as its a fraction of what i had before.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Next if you want a year to figure things out, take the year. You want to lay your needs bare and draw lines in the sand for her, do that. Just like LH said. But we both know your emotions are in complete control and you won’t. 9 months in is way too late to still have no idea what you’re doing. Still no idea what you want day to day. Still no coping skills. Still spinning. Core stop looking for validation. Stop asking people what you should do when you have zero intention of sticking to anything. Stop pushing to resolve your sitch tomorrow. Enough is enough. You need to stop focusing on your W and what you should do or not do in your MR and for the love of all that’s holy focus on getting your head on straight. You are completely incapable of making such an enormous decision in your state. It’s time to focus on only your anxiety and coping skills and nothing else. Everything even the kids is completely secondary to you figuring out how you can not only survive this time in your life but dig out of your own rut. Not the rut you think W has you stuck in. Not the rut you think your MR is in. This destructive spin cycle you put yourself in over and over again needlessly. Bottom line. You demand respect and love from your W and you don’t love, respect or care for yourself. For the one millionth time Core. Worry about you. Nothing will change in this relationship or any other if you can’t learn how to live with and love yourself. People who can do that don’t have egos to contend with. They don’t spin wildly. They know who they are. What they need. What they are willing to put up with to say they tried.
I will get there. The spin isn't endless and this has not been a waste of time. I will take longer than others and Im ok with that. My IC was uprooting and discussing multiple traumas when W bd'd me. IC called it horrendous timing and was afraid for how I'd take it all. I'm persevering despite it.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
My anniversary is tomorrow. H is still sleeping on the couch. Do I feel used sometimes, yup. Do I wonder what I’m doing here, yup. Do I get frustrated with limbo, you betchya. (That’s my Midwest for you) But every day is a new day. Every day I know I’m one step closer to reconciliation or walking away knowing I did everything I could. It’s complete BS that this jerk who cheated on me is in charge of the direction of our relationship, but I chose to stand and with that so goes my ego for the time being. The thing is though at any point if I don’t want to do this any more it’s my right to kick him to the curb and file. For me that’s not in theory that’s in practice. I’m ready to pack his crap for him and file any day. But I don’t because I committed. I committed to a year to see if he can turn this around and if he can’t then we’re done. All of this is still a question for you. And it shouldn’t be. 9 months in you shouldn’t be the person who’s asking the people here what you should do. 9 months in you should be the person here asking for support while you work toward your decision.
What I wanted on day 1 remains (improved self, happy life, preferably intact family), how Im getting there is another story. Not perfectly, not smoothly. I need more checks here than most. I see that, why I do, that it tbd. I see Joseph dor example in a much more complex sitch. I get it, i shouldn't be squirming still at times. The reality is I am, just less and less by the day.
I'm just about detached now, I'm starting to look at my sitch from angles I couldnt before. In the last week, W got to my mood just one time. It wasnt what she did or said however...it was my own frustration at not knowing how to respond fast enough. I've read two more books the last week, took the next diet step (cutting out breakfast meats) and switch to a new CBD dosage which worked wonders.
Making peace with my sitch and have felt happiness the better part of the last 3 or 4 days.
Last edited by Core; 05/30/2010:09 PM.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I ride you because I watch men tell you the same thing in a nice way, and you say "will do" and then don't. I ride you because when you let out glimpses of your real self I can see the Core that's in there and it's absolutely heart breaking to see that guy be essentially a hysterical mess.
I got edges my friend. I'm not lying when I say my H's struggles with me prior the affair I'm happy to validate. I'm a lot of work. My level of sweet is not what most men think of as sweet. Me telling me how proud I am of you and how great it is to see you not spinning keep it up is my sweet. Joking with you that's my sweet. That's just who I am.
I feel like me being an absolute snot to you finally got you thinking. And I'm happy to see it. Do things at your own pace. Any pace you like. D tomorrow, give it a year. Just please stop worrying about W. And focus on loving you. You growing. And you being in this calm places as much and for as long as possible.
I second the Rocky speech video. But mostly because I'm in love with Milo Ventimiglia....lol
I’m going to ask you this, it’s probably totally advised against, but km going to ask anyway.
Do you honestly thing in you “standing” your wife is just going to say “ I want to be a wife to you again “ and just start acting like a wife? Do you really truly think that’s going to happen?
She has actually left the marriage you are currently “standing” for. She’s not in it. And pretty much no chance at all just wakes up one day and says “yup, think I’m ready to be your spouse again”
She is not coming back to an insecure guy who spins constantly, I can also tell you that much. She obviously doesn’t see marriage as you do. If she’s going to come back and decide to work on herself , it’s going to be because she sees a strong man who can take care of himself physically and emotionally. I know you sit here and say “ attractiveness fades, but people still stay married” but when that physical attraction fades, that emotional attraction has to be there. It’s important . And it takes work just as well.
And you did describe her needing more time as her just trying to keep you on the rope . If this is going to hurt you financially, you do need to figure out how to protect yourself if you insist on “standing” for the marriage. I would make that a real project for yourself. And you can absolutely to continue to stand, you if you so, it has to be without any expectations at all and especially without the unrealistic ones you have.
And you need to work on the fear. I will tel you from the other side, it is much more scary for me to be living with someone who doesn’t want me and is selfish and waking up every day hoping they decide not to treat me that way. Nothing more scary or anxiety producing for me. For you to say under the same roof and not lose your shiiit, you need to wake up minus fear and anxiety and except that things aren’t going to turn out the way you want that day from your W. You need to wake up and do your thing and not worry about her. Just you.
It’s not easy. I guess I was fortunate, the night I found out my ex was leaving me, we never spent another night in the same house again. I couldn’t have done it, personally, back then. I was still high on post partum hormones and I knew I couldn’t do it. But he planned to be out that night anyways.
It takes great resolve to have an in house separation. I hand it to all who do. But if you want to make this work, good bye to fear. Good bye to her actions affecting your feelings.
Hello to being a strong, independent person who will be just fine not matter what.
I ride you because I watch men tell you the same thing in a nice way, and you say "will do" and then don't. I ride you because when you let out glimpses of your real self I can see the Core that's in there and it's absolutely heart breaking to see that guy be essentially a hysterical mess.
Now I know this is Wayfarer style sweet, thank you.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I got edges my friend. I'm not lying when I say my H's struggles with me prior the affair I'm happy to validate. I'm a lot of work. My level of sweet is not what most men think of as sweet. Me telling me how proud I am of you and how great it is to see you not spinning keep it up is my sweet. Joking with you that's my sweet. That's just who I am.
I feel like me being an absolute snot to you finally got you thinking. And I'm happy to see it. Do things at your own pace. Any pace you like. D tomorrow, give it a year. Just please stop worrying about W. And focus on loving you. You growing. And you being in this calm places as much and for as long as possible.
I'm not sure what helped to be honest. Probably everything combined, harsh, nice and inbetween. Like interrogators switching between good and bad. The different perspectives here. Maybe I got tired of being clubbed with 2x4s. Not thinking about W has been refreshing. The ups and downs are so much less, more happiness but also more fatigue. The anxiety and anger stress responses gave nice amounts of energy....at a cost but still, the body misses those baseline energy levels however unhealthy they may have been.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core at first the 2x4s were difficult for me here too. But overtime I came to really appreciate them. The people here are not trying to be mean-spirited with 2x4s, they are sincerely trying to help. Keeping that perspective helped me receive the 2x4s in a positive manner.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’m going to ask you this, it’s probably totally advised against, but km going to ask anyway.
Do you honestly thing in you “standing” your wife is just going to say “ I want to be a wife to you again “ and just start acting like a wife? Do you really truly think that’s going to happen?
No, I don't think by standing that all of a sudden W will realize she wants the M. If she did somehow and just started acting life a wife, I wouldn't be having it. She does the work before coming back or I walk. I'm not going through this again with her. Standing is for me and the kids. To say I tried. So I don't live the rest of my life with anger, shame and regrets.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
She has actually left the marriage you are currently “standing” for. She’s not in it. And pretty much no chance at all just wakes up one day and says “yup, think I’m ready to be your spouse again”
I agree here.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
She is not coming back to an insecure guy who spins constantly, I can also tell you that much. She obviously doesn’t see marriage as you do. If she’s going to come back and decide to work on herself , it’s going to be because she sees a strong man who can take care of himself physically and emotionally. I know you sit here and say “ attractiveness fades, but people still stay married” but when that physical attraction fades, that emotional attraction has to be there. It’s important . And it takes work just as well.
This is true and really got me thinking about my own attraction to W, whats there and what isnt.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
And you did describe her needing more time as her just trying to keep you on the rope . If this is going to hurt you financially, you do need to figure out how to protect yourself if you insist on “standing” for the marriage. I would make that a real project for yourself. And you can absolutely to continue to stand, you if you so, it has to be without any expectations at all and especially without the unrealistic ones you have.
I talked to my lawyer and my hands are tied. Legal separation is no longer a thing here and alimony will tick until I file. He of course recommended to file however they also want the green. With other financials, I long ago stopped selling any possessions and my paychecks now go to my personal account. I believe thats all I can do without filing.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
And you need to work on the fear. I will tel you from the other side, it is much more scary for me to be living with someone who doesn’t want me and is selfish and waking up every day hoping they decide not to treat me that way. Nothing more scary or anxiety producing for me. For you to say under the same roof and not lose your shiiit, you need to wake up minus fear and anxiety and except that things aren’t going to turn out the way you want that day from your W. You need to wake up and do your thing and not worry about her. Just you.
It’s not easy. I guess I was fortunate, the night I found out my ex was leaving me, we never spent another night in the same house again. I couldn’t have done it, personally, back then. I was still high on post partum hormones and I knew I couldn’t do it. But he planned to be out that night anyways.
This is currently the hardest part, no doubt about it. The gift of time...well I also think immediate separation like in your sitch may have been easier than facing the problem daily. Though theres no way of knowing. That sudden break had to be dreadful. With an IHS, not only do/did i have to learn to no longer be H and W, (while actually still H and W), I also cant fully move on and am held back in a way while living together. If somehow we work on the M, now we gotta learn to be H and W again. Not likely and not healthy. My lawyer is a call away from filing once I'M ready.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
It takes great resolve to have an in house separation. I hand it to all who do. But if you want to make this work, good bye to fear. Good bye to her actions affecting your feelings.
Hello to being a strong, independent person who will be just fine not matter what.
It helps knowing the people here are looking out for me, as well as the few people in my life who know what's going on. Its annoying at this point to deflect when other people ask if we are ok. We see just about no one with the virus out there however I still get asked or told things like...W didnt have her ring on, I know somethings off what is it, your W no longer responds, yadda yadda.
Ws actions affected me just one time in the last 7 or so days. A huge improvement. I was wickedly tired from both kids not sleeping and I let her get to me. I'm distancing farther than I've been yet. I sadly feel less and less for her yet I'm ok with that as my happiness increases. I want the D more than the M. I'd rather be single now. Living with my "sister" who I have to support financially just isn't doing it for me. I'm so much happier letting her go and thinking of the kids and I. Not our future but our present.
My anxiety and future fears are truly dropping. I went to the doc and my numbers that were off are now in a healthy range. I think I'm as detached from W as I can be however I'll keep working at it. Last night when I came home from a workout with the dog, W asked my whereabouts and I just looked at her and smiled. She said she is going to IC. I dont believe her. Her timing of telling me is suspicious. If she does then Im glad if it helps her and my kids. I don't think itll change my feelings towards her. I think my spinning was me holding on to the last shred of my relationship which I have let go.
No matter what happens, I'm excited for my future with the kids. They are so loving, cuddly, caring and hilarious. I'm proud to keep persevering and develop my fatherly skills as they grow. D4 is practicing her controling skills lately and S1 is pushing to see how many times I'll say no before he is disciplined. I lovingly respect them testing boundaries instead of getting annoyed...most of the time! D4 has been randomly making me cards. Warms the heart. S1 started kissing cheeks. Also warms the heart. Life is good despite my sitch.
Last edited by Core; 06/03/2001:30 PM. Reason: Spelling
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core at first the 2x4s were difficult for me here too. But overtime I came to really appreciate them. The people here are not trying to be mean-spirited with 2x4s, they are sincerely trying to help. Keeping that perspective helped me receive the 2x4s in a positive manner.
Much agreed Steve! Moreso I mean to say I should and shouldve been taking more action so that less 2x4s were needed. I didnt need to be (though I did if that makes sense) clubbed by the same one twice or thrice.
I still and will always welcome the 2x4s here. Way more affective than hand holding.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I think your responses to G were excellent. I too went through a long period of time in IHS and if I could change one thing it would be that I wouldn't have put 1 ounce of energy in wondering what she was thinking or doing.
Being single is a thousand times better then being with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Keep taking the hits and moving forward. That's how winnings done.
