I have been re-reading the responses and the other suggested links. I know I have a way to go still because I got an email from my lawyer and immediately felt the panic in my gut. I took a breath, then opened and read it. I need to work on that. The good news is that I got past it pretty quickly. A couple months ago that was taking me a couple days everytime anything related to the divorce happened.
She did not see the kids for the first few weeks. Then they started staying with her 2 days. After a couple weeks of that we are now doing 50/50. They are not happy about it and each time they go they let me know that they don't want to. They haven't told me any details about the times they have been there. They basically said they just would rather spend more time at home. I guess that is probably normal for kids in this situation.
I have gone out only a little so far due to the Covid-19 situation. But I have been talking to IC, journaling, exercising daily, reading self help things, spending time with the kids, doing stuff around the house, things like that. I spent a bit rearranging and replacing missing furniture. The kids went to stay with her last night and won't be back until Monday so I have all weekend to myself. I don't have any specific plans yet but I will definitely have time.
I am very close to finishing DR. It arrived Thursday evening and I have been reading it. Also still reading things here on the site. I can definitely relate to a lot of things. I have been trying to think of a good 180/GAL activity, something new that would work well in the current Covid-19 environment.
I did work on GAL this weekend. Spent a few hours out riding my motorcycle, spent Saturday afternoon and evening by the pool at a friends house (weather was awesome), kept up exercise and journaling, watched a movie, did a lot of yard work. The thing is that even doing this stuff and even when having fun I am still thinking about her a lot. I just keep refocusing my thoughts to whatever am doing.
A few emails from W about the kids this weekend. They were very informational and nothing else, not any name calling or putdowns recently. I replied to 1 that asked a direct question about S15 and I answered the question only, otherwise I just read and filed them. This is pretty much what I have been doing since she left.
IC today after work and the kids will be back home this evening.
W came over about an hour ago without asking me or even letting me know. First time she has done that, usually she emails and asks. She did tell S17 that his headphones came in the mail today and she would drop them off. So, I did have a 10 minute notice from him. She also asked him to get her mail. When she came by I was out back grilling so she was at the front door for a few minutes before I noticed and opened it. Both of the boys didn't hear her knocking.
This is the conversation the best I can remember it.
Me: Hi. Her: (hanging up phone) I was just calling him. (Hands me headphones). Me: I was out back. Here is your mail.(Hand her mail) Her: There should have been a big package. Me: That is all I got. Her: It said it was delivered. Me: I don't know, those are the only ones that I have. Her: Okay. (Turns to start walking away) Me: See you later. Her: Bye. (as walking away)
So, Good? Bad? Mistakes? This is the most interaction we have had in awhile.
As for me, I have been about the same. Keeping up with the same things as planned, exercise, journaling, reading, and time with kids. I have been riding my motorcycle quite a bit, everyday that is nice out. Getting things done around the house. And I have been trying different recipes for dinners and baking desserts when the kids are here. I also started using a mindfulness app each day. It has only been a couple days so far, but I plan to keep that up and see how it goes.
My MIL stopped by the other day for lunch. So it was her, the kids, and me. I was working so she was only here for my lunch break. We caught up a little, didn't talk much about W but she did ask me a couple questions. She hasn't spoken to W in about 1.5 years, by W's choice, so I don't think it was a recon mission or anything. She just hadn't seen the kids since covid started.
I still have been trying to think of another GAL activity that would be also a 180 for me that I am interested in. At the moment though all the ideas I have had are completely blocked by Covid. Although, as I typed that, I just realized that all the cooking and baking is new. I rarely cooked, other than grilling. I used to bake a lot when the kids were little, but I haven't in like 10 years. I will still keep my mind open for other things though.
W had the boys this weekend. They came home early Sunday for Father's Day. My dad came over also and us guys grilled some burgers and had a great time hanging out. It was a really good day.
Saturday did not go so well. I was doing my own thing, spent all morning doing yard work, got a shower, was eating lunch and getting ready for the rest of the day. W brought S15 by to pickup something. I noticed the obvious when I let him in the front door, she was driving a shiny new red mustang convertible, which I ignored. He came in, grabbed the stuff he wanted and left. It didn't take that long really, but after a few minutes she came to the door and asked me about a custody schedule change. No big deal or anything, probably a 30 second conversation, then went back to wait in the car. A couple minutes later S15 was done and they left.
I handled the conversation well and didn't say anything about it to either of them. Was all good, upbeat, positive. When they left I totally let it get to me. Tons of spinning through how, what, why, meaning, etc. I let it ruin my afternoon and it took me until later that night to get ahold of myself. I thought I was doing a lot better these past couple weeks. Most of the time I am but I still have these moments when I let it get to me. I am just glad that I was able to keep control of myself until I was alone at least. But also mad at myself for wasting a bunch of my Saturday worrying.
As for the custody schedule change, it's really hard to say what exactly she is thinking and that's why it is advised to not mind read and to detach. But it seems like you did that anyways.
You are doing pretty well all things considered and I would keep adding GAL like you are thinking about doing.
Don't worry about wasting too much time on Saturday, just learn and move on!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It has been awhile since my last post. Not a lot was happening, everything pretty much the same. I continue all the same things I mentioned before, GAL, 180, etc. And that has been going well. The only thing is that even if I am having fun doing something, with the kids, with friends or family, or whatever, I still think about her. It is a constant in my mind I have to actively stop.
I haven't talked to W in that time. There were a couple emails I replied to related to the kids that asked direct questions, the rest I don't reply to. It seems about once a week lately. I haven't reached out, she only emails. So same approach there.
I do have two updates. First we had court for PDL. Which is basically her asking for more money and that what I was giving wasn't enough. We were both there on opposite sides of the room. Neither of us spoke or looked at each other. The lawyers handled everything. It did not go well for me. She didn't get everything she asked for but she got a lot more than I can give. It looks very very bleak. I have no idea yet what I am going to do.
Also, her family is having a family reunion in a few weeks and MIL wants me to bring the kids. W has not been around her family for a few years. I take the kids and go to all the holidays and bday parties normally. W hasn't seen or communicated with them in a long time. Still it will be a little weird to go. This is the first gathering since this situation started.
