DB'ing while living in with a WAS/MLC husband

[unchien]

May, you might think that. But if you saw the reaction when you actually say that, and mean it, your DBing confidence would soar! After they fall to the floor in shock, they will come to and never threaten to leave ever again.

It is called "calling their bluff".

I wish I would have done more of this at the time.

[LH19]

The funny thing is it is your 100% best chance at reconciliation.

[SteveLW]

Not to hijack your thread, Blue, but Steve-- I did look up apartments for my H and told him about them. No falling to the floor in shock for him. Just a dismissal that it was probably a POS because of the price. And I also told him that even though it costs money for him to MO (rather than cake eat in the basement or the office) we could afford it and it was dumb to make a decision about something like this on $$. He agreed and I think he's looked at apartments online since then. So, I don't think that is in play in my sitch.

And, literally every time he's said he thinks he should MO in this current go-round I have said is this it? Is this your decision? Because OK, then, go. Do it. And he just backs down and says no, I don't know what I want. (I'm not saying it out of DB, maybe. I'm saying it out of FU anger and ready to get my life moving w/o him. Maybe I need to be calmer and use the actual phrase.)

I think you just proved my point! 😁

[may22]

I think you just proved my point! 😁

In the moment, no, he doesn't actually walk. But it isn't stopping him from wanting to or thinking about it either. I guess it just means he isn't prepared to do it quite yet. Gift of time and all that. Though a big part of me wishes he would just go if he can't cut out the rest of this $hit.

Blue, how are you doing today? Have you been able to get out into your yard and relax in the sunshine? Get a little mental break from what is happening? Remember, none of what is happening is your fault. You don't deserve any of this. I think this is a good time to try to support yourself and do whatever little things you need to do in order to soothe yourself. If you need a little extra push, what helps me is to think about my kids and being sure my gas tank is full enough to be the best mom I can be.

Also, just to check in on the not-as-positive side... has anything else happened that is scary to you at all? Were you able to get the firearms out of the house?

Thinking of you! xx

[SteveLW]

I think you just proved my point! 😁

In the moment, no, he doesn't actually walk. But it isn't stopping him from wanting to or thinking about it either. I guess it just means he isn't prepared to do it quite yet. Gift of time and all that. Though a big part of me wishes he would just go if he can't cut out the rest of this $hit.

The point is, they threaten because they know you fear it. Once you show them you're not afraid of their leaving, the threats stop. They may still eventually leave, but they will quit using the threat as a tool to manipulate.

"I'm going to leave!"

"Ok, want me to help you pack?"

Yeah, that floors them.

[BluWave]

I think I might be the slowest reader here! I have finished the first thread and am half way through this one ... almost .... there .....

[BlueSea]

Blue, how are you doing today? Have you been able to get out into your yard and relax in the sunshine? Get a little mental break from what is happening?

Thanks May, I don't feel like I am in a good place. There is a lot of tension in the house. Thank you for asking, really.
H seems just mad and is pretty gruff with me.
I have tried to continue to DB and reading the DR book again.
Just feeling sad and lifeless. How does one get over the constant bad looks you get from your spouse?

There is nothing I can say that is right. Its hard to look or appear like your GAL'ing...when your just not.
Its hard to act 'as if' when you know its bad - MWDs example of coming back from a trip and acting 'as if' with your spouse, ie, throwing her arms around him happy to see him ---- how is that even applicable here? I tell you that would not go over well at all over here.

Cheer leading section: not much to be show thankfulness - and I am not supposed to be talking to him anyway right? Very confusing all of it. I know I am not processing much anyway - which is frustrating. I am back to the basics of getting thru the hour, then thru the day.

Typically, I might have a few things to say during the day to be pleasant. Its always scoffed at. I do know that there is a fine line between too much talking and not talking...somewhere is a good middle ground. But that seems to be a shifting target because he is Jekyll and Hyde to me - though he professes to be cool & constant.

Not cooking anymore, just tired and not motivated - kids are loving the take-out at least.

Thank you BluWave - believe it or not, I was reading alot of your posts - so whatever you want to share with me, I would really appreciate it.

[may22]

Thanks for updating us, BlueSea. I know just how difficult this is. Here are some thoughts in no random order:

How much do you really need to be around him? Can you avoid him in the house? Get out and just be on your own, even if just for a walk? It is really hard to do any of this with your H in your face, either being a jerk or super nice. In terms of talking to him, if you say something nice and he scoffs at it... MWD would say take that as an experiment and it didn't give you the result you wanted. So next time, try a day of NOT talking to him and see what happens. Maybe try several. If he feels so awful inside that he is rude to you even for saying something pleasant, why give him that opportunity? It just reinforces his mindset and makes you feel badly. Avoid putting yourself in that situation.

On DB... You might want to focus on the Last Resort Technique in the book. I think you are probably past the cheerleading and as if sections. (I am.)

FlySolo posted something on my thread that I am grabbing onto like a lifeline-- do something small for yourself today. Just something small and for you. Can I pass that onto you as well?

Also, just checking in again on the firearms and your safety. Sorry, I'm not going to let this one go!! Has anything else happened that might scare you or you would feel weird about saying to someone IRL? That could be a good cue for you to know that something isn't right, if you wouldn't feel OK sharing it with someone besides those of us here. And/or, we're here to help you parse through it all. And I really really really want to be sure that those firearms are out of the house or at least get all the ammunition somewhere safe. Even if you don't think it is a big deal there are scary statistics and your H is not himself right now. Just want you to know that I care and am thinking of you.


(((BLUE)))

[BlueSea]

Thank you May for checking in on me, I do appreciate it.

How much do you really need to be around him? Can you avoid him in the house? Get out and just be on your own, even if just for a walk? It is really hard to do any of this with your H in your face, either being a jerk or super nice. In terms of talking to him, if you say something nice and he scoffs at it... MWD would say take that as an experiment and it didn't give you the result you wanted. So next time, try a day of NOT talking to him and see what happens. Maybe try several. If he feels so awful inside that he is rude to you even for saying something pleasant, why give him that opportunity? It just reinforces his mindset and makes you feel badly. Avoid putting yourself in that situation.

I do journal the days, to try and understand what works and doesnt, but he is so erratic. Last night his favorite bourbon was not in the cupboard. I told him I saw it in the recycle bin (empty). He began to get very upset, and accuse us of drinking it. I had shown the empty bottle to my 13ds, it was such a unique bottle (like a hookah), I thought he might want it. So he (13ds) chimed in that he also saw it in the recycle (empty). But that was not enough for H, he wanted our 16dd to come up - he was convinced she drank it all. really?! H was getting very worked up, very quickly, you had asked about scary times and this is most definitely one. He went out to the shop to check - I thought I might just try and lock him out. - but we have keypads, so he would just key in anyway and be even more mad, so I didn't. He did find it out there. But, he was really shook that happened - and turned to me - and told me that he could not remember anything and what was wrong with him. I just told him, 'your having a MLC'. He is drinking alot, pretty high end stuff. $100 or more per bottle, and just running thru them. I have seen them in the shop, all bagged. It is what it is. But the point is, he is erratic - and I am trying to be a constant for him and the kids.

We had a talk the other day that I am scared to come into the kitchen in the morning to get coffee. There is tension and hostility. He is like a guard dog in my own house that doesn't think I should be in the house. He is 'nice' about 5% of the time. But you are right May, I will do my best to avoid him if he is in a bad mood...which means I will just be avoiding him entirely 24/7.

On DB... You might want to focus on the Last Resort Technique in the book. I think you are probably past the cheerleading and as if sections. (I am.)

I will read that...

Also, just checking in again on the firearms and your safety. Sorry, I'm not going to let this one go!! Has anything else happened that might scare you or you would feel weird about saying to someone IRL? That could be a good cue for you to know that something isn't right, if you wouldn't feel OK sharing it with someone besides those of us here. And/or, we're here to help you parse through it all. And I really really really want to be sure that those firearms are out of the house or at least get all the ammunition somewhere safe. Even if you don't think it is a big deal there are scary statistics and your H is not himself right now. Just want you to know that I care and am thinking of you.

I found the 9mm and hid it. I found the shotgun ammo and hid it. Though its somewhere and loaded. That would be an awful way to go. I know this will sound terrible, I have always been honest, if he does anything - I would be okay with it. I am just so very very tired of all of this. Don't take me literally, I am just down right now.

Updates
I might have mentioned I found a check he cut to himself from our investments/savings about $7k. I finally started to really dig into the financials - and he opened that door chiding me last Saturday that he knew I would take that check wrong and just raking me over the coals about how he has done that a lot and would always deposit it back into another account and I was being harsh and blaming him for nothing. So I told him I would check it out, so yesterday, after getting past the 2 step authentication and all his guards.. find out that he has been cutting alot of checks ... but not putting ANY of it back into our accounts.
I confronted him about it. Turns out, he had been going to the casinos during the day (he works from home) during the pre-covid days and he has spent thousands, about $60k that I can track (and he only admits to what I can find). The only thing that stopped him was the closure of these places for quarantine.
And his paychecks are not right. I have to figure this out - he gets paid more than I do, but what is deposited is substantially less. I asked him, but the will not admit anything, only until I dig in will he admit.

Its all so mind numbing - the betrayals that have been going on for so long. I feel like my mind and body have just seized up. And I just want to crawl into bed. Of course, through all of it, he tells me how awesome and strong and solid I am, that I have been taking the brunt of it - but - he doesn't love me, that he has changed and needs something different. I do believe she is out of the picture, he was upset that she probably had slept with someone else and that's where the std came from. So the fact he would leave me for no one or nothing... does hurt even more. But its all confusing and so many things are happening at once, I feel overloaded with emotion.

[wooba]

Bluesea, please consult a L and protect yourself (and your kids) financially. Although what’s more concerning to me is that you felt the need to hide the gun and ammo. I’m sorry if I missed this, has your H done anything to threaten you or your children physically?

Do you have a separate account which H has no access of? Please start keeping a record of all his spendings and withdrawals, probably also a log of his questionable behavior. It might be useful if one day you do decide to D, it also it is helpful for you to look back and see all the sh*t he’s done in one place.

I’m sorry that so much betrayal is weighing over you right now. I think at this stage where you feel helpless, you need to just fake it until you make it. Find a healthy way to let out your anger and frustration (gym? running? Sign up for a boxing class?), lean in to your people (even if you have to pretend to be happy to socialize with others), and just simply find things to do to occupy your time. Take your focus off of your H. I sense that there is a lot of growing that needs to be done on your part as well. Build yourself up. Know that the way H is treating you is NOT okay and you deserve nothing less than to be shown respect and kindness to say the least. You have to take care of YOU, because your kids depend on it. You have to be the strong, stable parent.

Start taking baby steps to move forward, please believe in yourself that you can do it. ((Hugs)))