KC, I know how you feel, I do. I use to love the idea that we met at 20 and 17 and we were gonna grow old together and watch our great grand children play. Go through heck and back and be that couple everyone strived to be. Always together forever. Our first date was at Friendly. She was so nervous she didn’t eat anything and than I come to later find out she gobbled it all up the moment I dropped her off. So many happy memories and good times. Heck I’ve heard several times through my marriage if you guys can’t make it no one can.
The issue I see, and the good lord knows I’m guilty of it myself, is you are finding your self worth in someone else. You rely on him to make you feel special. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are a human being who makes/made mistakes. We all are. But here’s what I would challenge you to do. Find your self worth in yourself. Make yourself happy. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. And do it with the mind frame this will make me happy. Not this will make the H wish he was here. Not with the mind frame this will make the H jealous or want me. That person is in there. She’s just waiting to come out.
There are no guarantees in life. No one gets married thinking they’ll get divorced. However it does happen. (Heck my W “doesn’t believe in divorce”). It takes 2 to get married. It takes 1 to end it. Your relationship as you know it, as you want it is over. There’s nothing you can do to change that. Accept that, because the moment you do you’ll be able to move forward. Now the positive spin, it doesn’t mean 6 months down the road, maybe a year, maybe 2 you can’t have a new relationship with your H. It doesn’t mean you can’t start over. But that’s not going to happen until he at least respects you and believes the changes in you are real and permanent. By than, you may have found out that you don’t want him back, and you may find that you believe him to be the fool for ever leaving.
You hang in there, find your happiness.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
You admitted to being controlling in the marriage. You try to control someone when you fear your not enough. I guarantee this goes back in to childhood.
How you're feeling is very common in human behavior. It goes back to your childhood where at some point you were made to feel that you weren't enough. This came to play in your relationship with your H which caused you to try to control him which probably was main contributor to the downfall of your marriage. It's sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. This in turn feeds your ego telling it "see you were right you are not enough". The ego always wants to be right.
This again is just another reason to look into IC to get to the root of the cause of the feeling. Certainly you are enough and are wonderful human being. You just have to convince your ego of it so you don't self sabotage the next relationship.
It has nothing to do with my childhood.
I'm dealing with being rejected. I'm dealing with being by someone's side for 10yr through some of his really crappy stuff... and being left. That can make anyone not feel good enough for a period of time.
Yes it can. However, it can also make you feel not good enough......ever again. Unless you deal with it. I get the impression you DB because you want to fix your relationship. Not because it can fix you. You go NC hoping to engender some change in him, instead of going NC to empower yourself to be able to move on.
I see a KC that is stuck. And unless she does something to unstuck herself in 10 years she will be sitting around hoping he will finally find her special again.
I've told countless people this before, but over-attachment is extremely dangerous because we live in an imperfect world. People cheat. They leave. They decide they aren't happy married to you so they D you to marry someone else. They also get sick, get infirmed get injured and, they die. Over attachment is never healthy because you aren't guaranteed anything in this life. I love my W. I would miss her terribly if something were to happen to her. But I would move on because if my sitches have taught me anything they have taught me that I have to be healthy and happy inside before I can be healthy and happy with anyone else. And in an imperfect world where people can go away for a myriad of reasons, I can be healthy and happy by myself!
it scares me to see you caught in the cycle. To see you give up on your core values (like cheating being a 100% deal-breaker), to see you doing everything you do with one eye over your shoulder to see if he is paying attention. I also see you wanting to be right. Who really cares if he thought you were snooping? So what. The fact that it caused you to react proves that you are still attached. I see you avoid certain things you don't like to face. People will spend an entire post touching on several subjects, and you pick and choose the ones you want to acknowledge and respond to. None of us are perfect, and no one expects you to be! But the one thing that we all eventually come to in these journeys through marital break-ups or reconciliations is looking at our own faults realistically, honestly, and striving to be better.
I don't know you except for the few thousands of words we have exchanged on this forum. But I do detect some tendencies. These tendencies do not mean you are a bad person. Not in the least. But they do cause me to worry that you will never be able to move past this lying cheater that has emotionally abused you (I don't say that lightly) for several months now. That you will be stuck for a long period of time hoping he eventually comes back around. Instead of realizing your own value!! That he isn't good enough for you. And that it doesn't matter if Kitcat is special to him as long as Kitcat is special to Kitcat.
Last edited by Steve85; 06/01/2008:07 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What is it going to take to get you to step off the merry-go-round of contact/no contact/contact/no contact? The more contact you have w/him the more you question why he says or does the things he's doing. You took his bait this time because you were silent, he then accused you of snooping. I would have ignored the text and let him think whatever he wanted to think. He will not miss you until you've dropped the rope and let him go. Right now, he's thinking that you are going to be right where he wants you at all times. You were FIRED as his wife!!! You do not need to be his mother and yes, he can take care of the pup on his own. Right now, the pup is going to be used as an excuse to contact you....unless it is an absolute emergency, and I do mean an emergency...stop the contact!
You have to be the one to take that leap of faith and be strong here. Stop the contact, live your life as if he may never return and above all else....keep that focus on you and your son. This man has entirely too much space in your head and it's time to step off that merry-go-round.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You admitted to being controlling in the marriage. You try to control someone when you fear your not enough. I guarantee this goes back in to childhood.
Its complicated - bottom line my intentions were always the best... I did not see the message it sent to my H.
In the beginning before we were even married he just added me to all his accounts.. ... ALL OF THEM including his 401k. I took care of the finances 100%.
It made me feel a little awkward when he would tell people to get $20 from me for the family raffle or tell his mother to ask me because I handled all the money. But, I continued to do it. Yes, we discussed yearly goals each year and made a list together but where the money went and what bills were paid and what was left was 100% my responsibility.
At some point he got angry with this. Told me to take my name off all his accounts... it blindsided me and I internalized that he was insinuating I had not done a good job. It hurt because frankly we had 'toys' and $$$$ bank.
I tried to integrate having him more involved so it would be more 50/50 but he was just angry I think that he let me have control.
NOW - as far as childhoods... In my house my mother managed the finances with both my father and now for years with my step father. In my H's household his parents each have their own money and neither knows what the other has (which in my book seems freaking nuts when his mother would have to go to his dad to 'borrow' money)
Somehow something snapped in my H and he feels what his parents have is normal and that my family is weird and of course my family feels what his family does is weird.
We should have found a good middle ground before he snapped. He felt I controlled the money - despite that is how he set it up. He just felt that if he wanted a new truck he should know if he could afford a new truck and not ask me.
Ultimately the constant rejection/neglect he felt from me built up enough resentment that he could no longer tolerate all the things he felt he tolerated before ---- if, and I know this with 100% certainty if, he had not felt constant rejection from me but instead felt accepted and shown the physical affection he craves he would have tolerated the finances staying as they were.
I just didn't want to go down this road again --- this has been played out too many times.
I have to stop the contact. I have to step away and move forward with my own life. I hope he wants to catch up with me at some point. But, I cannot sit on the sidelines waiting.
Is my fear true???? OR is it just a fear? Like when you are 5 and have a fear of monsters under your bed.
I will NOT be judged for being honest about my fear.
I will NOT be judged for not working on myself. I have sat and done countless hours looking inward. I've made many a self discovery and have made some big changes moving forward. I've participated in groups. My male bff says he can tell I'm doing the work.
I'm an introvert. My H is an extrovert. I love that he is the life of the party. So it could easily be that part of what I am missing with my H is that he does things that I cannot do easily.
Just because I was honest about my fear. Doesn't mean that I see it doesn't make sense. I'm also afraid of heights... but I got my butt up in a plane and went skydiving for my 40th. Did I die???? NOPE, still scared to death of heights.
Just because one guy forgot how special I am does not meant he rest of the world has - I know this. But I'm sure 1/2 the people on this board have things they are afraid - spiders, snakes, etc. I'm working my way through this fear which I know is not rationale.
I got sucked into to responding to a text. I'm over it.
Hey KC. Of course we all have fears! Snakes for me is the weird one for me. Something very unnatural about something that can move that fast without legs. Lol always gets me. Airplanes too. I mean if my car breaks down I pull over. If the airplanes breaks down I die. That’s a good irrational fear. But I meant what fears are you having that’s stopping you from going NC.
I’ll share mine. They were I was afraid my W would forget me. If I kept in contact how could she right? Maybe she’d be to scared to tell me she still loved me and wanted to fix things, but if I wasn’t in contact how could that happen? Maybe if we just talked a little more she would remember how much she loved me and maybe just maybe I could get her to forget the OM and come home. And heck if we could be friends than I’d have an excuse to talk to her all the time whenever I wanted and I could get her to fall in love with me again. I was also scared I’d never find love again. Real honest marital love. A lifetime of loneliness is a terrifying prospect.
None of that is realistic though. Because I didn’t have her respect, as a man or husband. And I haven’t for obviously a while.
Going NC will help you see these fears are unfounded, will help you start to detach and will help you move forward as a confident woman.
I hope you get something out of this. Maybe you can see a little of yourself in this post.
Last edited by JosephS; 06/01/2009:10 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Hey KC. Of course we all have fears! Snakes for me is the weird one for me. Something very unnatural about something that can move that fast without legs. Lol always gets me. Airplanes too. I mean if my car breaks down I pull over. If the airplanes breaks down I die. That’s a good irrational fear. But I meant what fears are you having that’s stopping you from going NC.
I’ll share mine. They were I was afraid my W would forget me. If I kept in contact how could she right? Maybe she’d be to scared to tell me she still loved me and wanted to fix things, but if I wasn’t in contact how could that happen? Maybe if we just talked a little more she would remember how much she loved me and maybe just maybe I could get her to forget the OM and come home. And heck if we could be friends than I’d have an excuse to talk to her all the time whenever I wanted and I could get her to fall in love with me again. I was also scared I’d never find love again. Real honest marital love. A lifetime of loneliness is a terrifying prospect.
None of that is realistic though. Because I didn’t have her respect, as a man or husband. And I haven’t for obviously a while.
Going NC will help you see these fears are unfounded, will help you start to detach and will help you move forward as a confident woman.
I hope you get something out of this. Maybe you can see a little of yourself in this post.
I worked really hard at NC and I had a slip up - his response annoyed me enough that I refused to respond. When that happened he upped the ante' and pushed a hot button.
Once I responded - he was all about the chattiness.
I will not accept a friendship. I will not accept him while he is with someone else. What will I accept? I don't know. But, all I can do right now is stop interacting with him. He has to figure out what he wants. I have to figure out what my boundaries are.
I'm tired of breadcrumbs. I deserve so much better.
KC I’m not trying to be rude, but there is always a slip up. And I understand I do, but you’ve gotta stop them. I got my button pushed too, but once I responded I didn’t get caught up in the chattiness. He pushed the button he had to, to get a reaction out of you. And it worked and it worked because you allowed it too.
Stop allowing it!! You can do it!!
And I’m glad you realize you deserve better than the bread crumbs. But I can tell you from experience they won’t stop until you stop accepting them.
Hugs
Last edited by JosephS; 06/01/2010:10 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
