And then it was over.

[may22]

one thing that helped me detach was really to focus on my H's negative qualities. I know this isn't true detachment-- you want to get to a place where his behaviors don't affect you emotionally at all- but sometimes it can help you get there to swing the pendulum in the other direction.

Think about what a jerk he is being, stare at that sty on his face, gross yourself out over him. I also made a list of all the great things I was going to be able to do when he left. (I'm still a little wistful about some of them, and some I did anyway, like buy all new bedding for the MB in a color I liked and knew he didn't.)

I think you really should spend some time thinking about your counselor's question-- what do YOU want? Journal, make a list, test things out. Every time you feel your mind wandering over to your H and what he's doing or anxiety about the future, redirect your attention to something positive about yourself or that you want to learn/read/do. And then do it!

[Sage4]

Those last comments, the incumbent comment, made me feel better, and I thanked him for it. I am so far from detached - this guy owns me, one look, one word - changes everything. PLEASE HELP! I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW YOU ALL DID THE DETACHING . I seriously can not GAL right now in quarantine. I am struggling on how to detach. How do you stop loving someone that you want back so badly?

I have been thinking about this for the past couple of days as it hit so close to home for me in my situation. I struggled for months to accept the current state of our relationship and did all the wrong things -- cry, beg, plead, find anything I could say or do to try and 'fix' the situation. Nothing worked and my heart was just getting broken over and over again with each attempt.

I am no where near on the other side yet, but here are a few thoughts on my process:

- TIME it's so cliche, but it is really true. It takes time to get over grief, time to get yourself back and time to discover what you want. When the vets on this board say 'you have the gift of time', in my sad state of mind, I thought that the gift of time was for getting my H back. But now I realize that the gift of time is also for ME to discover if I really want H back.

- I like what May said about focussing on the things you don't appreciate or like about your H. A month ago I was in a spiral of 'how do I save my M? What changes can I make within myself to make him stay? I will do ANYTHING to keep our family intact!' I was overlooking or ignoring all the bad behaviors, treatment and the EA/OW. But the past couple weeks I have started to notice all the negative things that H has done or said to me over the past year. I am not dwelling on it or vilifying him to the point of no return, but when I start to feel sad or unsure, those thoughts are dominant. For the first time, I am really asking myself if I even want him back.

- It can be a sudden light switch! I read a post where one of the vets mentioned that LBW's tend to 'flip' into detachment quicker than LBH's. This doesn't mean that the pre-BD process is shorter, just that once the detachment starts, it can happen really fast. One day I was in tears and unsure how I was going to cope, and the next day I suddenly felt empowered and DONE with H's broken self, treatment of me and indecision. I have had a few wobbles since then, but my thoughts are overwhelmingly 'I've got this!' vs 'How am I ever going to survive this?'

- I have read a lot of threads on this board and am so grateful for everyone's stories. I have taken advice given to other people and used it in my own situation and it has really helped me. A couple of posters that I think would be really helpful for you to read from start to finish are BluWave (I see you have been introduced) and AlisonUK (she has some similar traits in her M). Besides the people regularly posting here for you (May is a fantastic voice of reason). And of course, listen to the vets. They are so wise, although you won't recognize the value of their 2x4's and wisdom in the moment.

Again, I am sharing all of this from the position of being only 1/2 a step ahead of you, if that. But I know you can get there. (((Hugs)))

[BlueSea]

Think about what a jerk he is being, stare at that sty on his face, gross yourself out over him.

May22 - this made me laugh out loud! I hear you - yes! LOL! that is something I can do. And I worked on that list, and came up with some - some of these I WILL do:
-Learn to sing
-Karaoke
-Learn to dance
-Play the guitar
-Learn to ride a horse and ride ALONE
-Tent camp by myself
-RV trip with girlfriends
-Work as a barista at Starbucks
-Polar dive
-Take a nude pic

SAGE4
*Thank you for stopping in and posting, even if you are a bit ahead of me, I really appreciate you willing to call back to me and let me know whats ahead...even if its just a few steps ahead... it really helps. And, I agree with you about time...I was able to get thru most of today without wracking pain. So slowly, time is carrying me over the threshold to numbness. But boy, these past 3 months were sheer awfulness, I am not sure how I would have managed without finding this forum.
*Finally, something positive for a LBW - about that light switch - I can not wait for that! Please soon. If you are a bit ahead of me, then I should be coming up to that soon. Its awesome that you feel empowered and DONE - I think the tides will turn when I get there. I can't wait to be and feel empowered! Reading Bluwave is so helpful - all her advice - she made it and has her family together and an H that is back and solidly working on the M (that is as far as I got so far). I will look up AlisonUK. Thank you!

TODAY
I went out with a friend today and my daughter (16) texted me, 'Dad is saying he is going to Home Depot, I asked to go with him, he said no, its so suspicious! what should I do?' And I texted back, 'Let him go. much love' --- I was a bit shocked because I (for the first time) did not care. Before I would have noted the time, and mentally ticked off each second, torturing myself where he was going.
And I let him know I was going out today - if he could check the kids if they needed anything. And left for about 6 hours and had a good time with a friend. Drove an hour away to have margaritas and just chill. She had asked to go last week and I turned her down as I did not want him to think how nice it was to have me not around. Today was a good day. I just hope for a restful night (more than 5 hrs of sleep).

[BlueSea]

Vent & Journal:
He stepped out last night. It still hurts - knowing that this great guy, great father, great husband - who I trusted implicitly - continues to betray me - and that he knows that I know he steps out - the new f'ing normal. Yes, I know I signed up for this by having him stay here. But I still need to vent, somewhere, here goes: His selfishness to run from his unhappiness to an OW that I don't think he loves, just loves the way she makes him feel - while destroying the rest of us - makes me so mad. We all go thru hard times. Unhappy marriages do not cause affairs, a-hole spouses do.

I too had been struggling the past years - thinking " is this it? " in relation to life. Carting the kids around (and teens are not so grateful about anything), going to work every day, efforts around the house, dealing with a husband that was so distant and removed (quietly building a wall of resentment) but for all purposes wouldn't speak up and tell me anything was wrong - that all wore on me too! BUT I DID NOT GO AND TURN TO HAVING AN AFFAIR!

So here I am dealing with HIS feelings, having to acknowledge HIS version of everything, HIS re-writing of history, ie, being the villain in this story. Why does HIS journey take precedence? - he was the selfish a@@hole that is ripping apart the family. I understand that while he is doing his thing, I need to do mine - and I should use that time - I get that - BUT - I was FORCED to take this journey by HIM. WHICH IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR!

I don't think states should have no-fault divorces any more - I don't think society should just 'okay' the wayward spouse without any punishment whatsoever. I hate that society is now okay with the idea of 'well, its okay to out grow people' or whatever bs statement that condones just walking out and all over someone. I think if things were made tougher - we wouldnt have over 50% of marriage dump into D. Not to mention what it does to the kids.

I know. For all I vent - nothing will change where I am at. But where I am at right now is pretty F'ING MAD RIGHT NOW. I tell you what though, feeling mad is a heckuva lot better than feeling sad.

[Ginger1]

In the beginning part of your last post you call him a “great father, great husband , and great guy” and at the end of the post you say he was so distant and removed.....


Which is the reality? What made him so great? What made him so distant and removed?

I think putting some logic to the things you say might help a little.

And asking him to stay in the house while he has an affair. That’s on you, girl. Why would you do that to yourself? Why would make having an affair a. Ok. You are basically saying “I am ok with being your plan B , if it doesn’t work out, I’m right here waiting for you” you do think more of yourself than that, don’t you???

[BlueSea]

Ginger -

I guess this great guy part, is who he once was to me, and since the affair and continuing it things have definitely changed. Is it okay with you have I have 2 views of this man - one from my memory and one from the present? I am just venting and journaling here.

If its not logic to you - thats okay - its what is going on with me right now and most likely not logical. For the state I am in, I would not expect it to be and I am going to let myself have that - instead of figuring out how to defend that to you.

I see your just jumping into the thread without some back reading which is fine, I did mention previously that MWD's book, 'Healing from Infidelity', this is her recommendation on how to handle this situation (Chapter 8 when your spouse wont end the affair and 9) if I could handle that. I did post earlier specific references to what she says but for you I will add some more because it seems that you like to swing 2x4's (at least thats what it feels like to me when I read your reply post). And I am picking this part specially for you Ginger ... I would appreciate if you go head to head with MWD on her own words:

Chapter 8, pg 162
"But you are not a doormat. Your are not a pushover. You are simply fighting for your marriage and your trying to do it in the smartest way possible. You are giving your spouse the time and space they need to sort their emotions out and do the right thing. You are very courageous. Your a warrior. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

You probably mean well - but constantly posting to me 'dont you think more of yourself? - just puts me on the defensive.

[Ginger1]

I’ve been on these boards for 12 years. I’ve been through it. I mean through the dirty of it. I know a lot, I’ve learned a lot, I know what works and what doesn’t.

I am not telling you to defend yourself to me. I’m telling you to really dig deep and take the steps needed to properly detach. And that is is looking deep down into the painful realities. And asking yourself the very hard questions.

I don’t need your logic. I don’t need your defense. These are things I am asking for you to look at for yourself, if you want any chance at saving your marriage and saving yourself.

It all starts from self worth and really looking at the narrative you write in your head vs. the reality. If you aren’t ready for that, the. You are t.

If you want to hold him up on the pedestal and be the “incumbent” go ahead. If you think holding on for dear life while he has an affair under your nose, then go ahead . And you don’t have to defend why you chose that to me or anyone else. When you are ready, you are ready, and you have made it clear it is not now.

But I can tell you from many years here, that has worked for 0% of the divorce busters .

If you want validation and no true direction in the tough work that it takes to get there, I am probably. Ot your woman right now. I’ll be around if you want help when you are ready for it. If you want to use this place purely as a source of venting right now, go ahead.

But your self worth is truly the corner store to saving yourself and possibly saving your marriage. That’s why I drive it home.

And as the saying goes, if it stings, you should take a look at it

Best of luck , really and truly. My heart goes out to you

[Ginger1]

Oh. M and I still have a copy of my book from 12 years ago. That advice has to be applied in the right place, in the right way, in the right mindset it can often be very misinterpreted and cause more damage than good

[BlueSea]

Ginger - Then I am clearly confused - and misinterpreting MWDs words - to me it sounded like I keep him in the house and let him have his affair and wait for it to fizzle out. I have re-read it a million times, its only one chapter.

If I am not getting it (which your telling me) then pull out more 2x4's and explain it to me. But asking me if I respect myself is just too broad for me. I am ready to do what it takes and this is what I thought it was. That this was a path, harder to do, but a viable path.

"But your self worth is truly the corner store to saving yourself and possibly saving your marriage."
Can you be more specific please? I don't know if your saying I need to work on detaching or your saying I should kick him out.

What is the right context for that chapter 8? I really want to know. Especially if that is a 0% route. I am not saying that I am okay with being plan b, what I am saying is that he is confused and loving how she is making him feel - and then MWD adds these affairs last about 6 months or so, then fizzle, so if I can hang on for that long, it should work out. I dont feel like I am okay being a plan b...I feel that I am the prize and he will realize that soon, win him without words.

I am okay being schooled - specifics help though!

[BlueSea]

And ... to add to my confusion..I work with an MWD counselor who also advocates him staying in the house, with the affair going on. This all makes me spin back and forth. What is the right thing to do?