I am extremely triggered, the neighbour at our other house rang to say there was an Amazon delivery left outside so I just said I'm sure H will be back soon and texted him to tell him. He must have set up an extra Amazon account specifically so I can't see, his deceptive behaviour is increasingly disgusting to me as this is just one of several similar examples. The sooner I can separate finances so I don't have to be exposed to this stuff the better. He's still taking out lots of cash but I'm determined not to confront him yet.
Saw H on Wednesday when he dropped off ds2. He only stayed 5 minutes and looked uncomfortable. I was warm and friendly. He said the payout will almost certainly be sorted this week, it might have been already. He needs to tell me where the money is going as it's a huge amount. And he needs to not be hiding any from me...I need to move the cash I have collected into my other account, my friend is happy to help me. I also need to find out how much D is to get started if I want to keep it a secret for the time being.
Half of me wants to delay triggering D so I could spend the summer at our other house while H is off travelling, as I really love it there and will miss the house more than H, if he is going to live there full time I won't be able to go there once a week like I used to. The other half of me just wants to get the financials sorted out so I can stop all this deceptive nonsense from H getting to me. I will contact the lawyer again on Monday and get the ball rolling, I might be able to do a lot without H knowing (I'm assuming he is not about to drop a bomb or tell me he is filing for D). I really despise him, what a weak pathetic man he is.
Online dating, hmm. More offers of sex or FWB, getting boring. Not sure I have clicked with anyone yet but I've only met one bloke (see above). I have a date tomorrow afternoon in town with someone who seems very nice but maybe a bit dull. A few chats ongoing with some ok men. I joined another site which is aimed at more educated people, it's really expensive to join properly and the way the questions are structured makes everyone sound really boring! But I might get less sex pests and more genuine men on there, so I might fork out.
So, still here, H is still being a horrible person, I'm still in limbo but hopefully not for long! H asked me to bring the kids to see him on Sunday and I said maybe, thinking they wouldn't want to. I don't want to either now. He disgusts me.
I'm sorry about all the money stuff. that is gross and sad that he's doing that. it just shows what a bad place he's in. Hopefully it is helping you to see more and more how much better off you are now than before.
You do sound good, though! What are you thinking about in terms of your own career-- is it better to wait until after the D is finalized to do any real work in this area?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
And checking our joint account right now is one long awful surprise. A van hire. He's moving or moved house without telling me, nice. Why is he putting this stuff on our joint account if he's hiding it? Bizarre. A thousand pounds spent in a department store (he is such a hypocrite, asking me to not spend money and questioning everything I put on our card, then doing that?!) Still the large amounts of cash coming out every couple of days. I find this so repulsive and triggering. I hate being lied to, I cannot tolerate this much longer. I am going to email my lawyer and get things started. Last time I saw H he was pretty awful. Snapped at everyone, seemed deeply depressed. Really not fun to be around in the slightest. Ds2 said when he stayed there he couldn't work out what H was doing, he had nearly no work but did not seem to be doing anything else except going for walks. This is the man who could never sit still before. His health problems continue and he complained a lot about that to me. Never asked me once how I was, such a narcissist. I have organised all of the financial paperwork I have and my next step is to list out all our assets etc and document the latest statements etc. It was such a total mess and took about 3 days of solid work but nearly all there. He has still not quite finished his payout agreement but I know how much it is (well how much he says it is) and I think he is going to be leaving work next week.
Enough about my disgusting husband (oh, I forgot to say as well that I was looking through our icloud account and realised that the July before he left in September H was taking the first selfies he has ever taken, clearly he was texting them to someone he was involved in OR he was on an online dating app. Again, disgusting)
Anyway, back to the important thing, me! Online dating is going fine, it's been an education. One or two ok blokes turned out to be married or have complicated stuff going on, so I have an eye out for that. I've had a couple more dates, one this afternoon with a bloke I get on well with, jokey fun texts and we are pretty honest with each other, I like that. He's a bit obsessed with sex though! Another bloke who is very clever but seems a bit staid for me. Another one who seems sweet but our conversations have been a bit dull. Another one who is funny (I like funny men, it's probably the most important thing of all) I know what I like and what I dislike, but you have to meet people to see if there's anything there. I'm not expecting to meet The One but it's been kind of fun getting to know different men and thinking about how different life could be with different people. I've also been meeting up with friends on walks and runs and picnics and really really enjoyed that. I missed people so much during proper lockdown. I'm a bit tired though, too much socialising after so long without!
Job stuff: I'm spending a few days a week job hunting. There's not a lot about. Some of it is short term part time stuff which might suit me till after the D. I'm not desperate to work right now, it's good seeing my friends and having fun, and I think D stuff will take a lot of mental effort. So I'll keep applying and see what happens. That's my update, no change really though I have had a lovely week chatting and being outdoors. Oh, and I went out with a walking group and there were 2 very nice men in that group too, that was fun talking to them! I'd best get ready for my next date now
Dilly, I feel sorry for your H. He's so broken. His life might have turned out differently if, instead of separating or possibly cheating to deal with his pain, he'd asked you for help and spent the last year in IC.
You sound like you're in an amazing place. You have plans for dealing with his craziness. Your views on dating sound healthy. Your conversations with your kids sound strong but compassionate.
I'm so pleased that you're making new plans, and getting out there, and taking care of your finances, Dilly. I think getting a solicitor on the job - and maybe a forensic accountant, if you think your H has been dishonest about his payout or hiding money away from you (and the sums involved warrant what a FA would cost) is an excellent act of boundary setting and self care. I think the sooner you can act, the better - your H is up to something and I think you've been very compliant with him for a long time and the second you withdraw that, he may react in ways that aren't okay with you.
CWarrior: I also feel sorry for H, he is deeply broken and will stay broken till he is prepared to go through the pain of looking at himself and his pain. I feel sad for him. But I will be long gone by the time he does the work, and I don't believe he will do the work as he has run away and drunk and worked for nearly 2 years instead of looking inwards and getting help. I'm pretty sure he has borderline personality disorder, it fits with his behaviour over our M and also with his abandonment history. I don't believe in diagnosing people willy nilly, but I have witnessed his behaviour over 30 years and it is consistent with BPD or at least disorganised attachment at minimum. Both are not untreatable but I think the chances of improving without professional help are extremely low. I've done a lot of learning in this area to understand H and I've concluded it's fairly hopeless.
Alison: I agree that his reactions might be very strong and extreme. My friends also think he will be hard to divorce despite him being the one who left. I am being very cautious and have considered a forensic accountant. My saving grace is that he works in finance so misleading the system on his assets is fraud and not something he could do lightly if he wants to work again (which he will have to). But that's assuming he is thinking straight which he is not. I have told my lawyer about my concerns and that his finances are complicated and he will have to be giving all his information in full. I trust my lawyer and he seems experienced so I'm sure he will do a good job. I will discuss it this week with him.
H turned up unexpectedly this morning after no contact all week. I would have arranged to be out if I'd known. He suggested a walk and we went for one of our usual walks, nothing discussed of any moment. His only discussions of the future are his travels in the summer and taking the boys away for a week somewhere in France. I said that was fine and would be planning my own travels (with my hot new boyfriend was the bit I left out :)) No discussion of his job stuff so it's still dragging on. No mention of moving house, seriously beyond a joke. He said he bought some furniture for our other house so I assume he's staying there for the forseeable future though he will be away in the summer anyway. No mention of anything else. Then he spent some time with the kids and left. I was outside putting something in the bin and then a neighbour went past and chatted to me. H after about 5 minutes drove past in the hire van and he saw that I saw him. Funny. Bet he doesn't say anything about it. I was so relieved when he left.
Another date this afternoon, yesterday's was a bit disastrous as he really wanted sex but I told him I had to fancy him and in person I didn't. He was nice enough about it though. Hopefully this afternoon will be better! I'm chatting to another few men who seem ok, we shall see. I am trying to just enjoy it and shrug off the weirdos. There are a lot of them lol
Why did you go on the walk with him, Dilly? I understand how he's horrible company, he's lying to you and yourself and you hate that (anyone would) and that he shows you less care and interest than would be reasonable to expect from a polite acquaintance. Are you afraid of what would happen if you say 'no' when he asks you to walk with him? I have no idea why he wants those walks, other than perhaps he likes the idea of a woman listening and nodding and making sympathetic noises when he lists his future plans and current self inflicted woes. But you don't have to provide that service, and I don't know why you would. It seems there's a lot of indirectness going on here - his is obvious, and you can't control it, but yours is more subtle - there's an inauthenticity in you that isn't equal to his dishonesty, but is on a spectrum with it. Spending optional social time without someone who treats you badly, who you dislike, and whose behaviour has a horrible effect on you seems strange. Is that something you could change?
Allison, I can answer that. She's still attached. Checking his activity on the joint account. Looking up his pictures on iCloud, jumping at the opportunity to go on a walk all = still attached.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Alison: when he turned up unannounced I was still in my pyjamas so couldn't exactly make out like I was off out anywhere. I am quite frightened of him actually, don't want to poke him into bad behaviour until I have my divorce ducks in a row. Lawyer is sending me over initial stuff tomorrow. I'm still undecided about when to tell H I'm initiating divorce, I kind of keep expecting him to say he's doing it or dropping some other bomb, but in any case if he doesn't I will. I would prefer him to do it as hopefully he would feel guilty enough to behave well and be amicable, but I'm not hanging about forever, I need to protect myself and I hate his deception so much I just want to cut things off now.
Steve: I can see why you might think that, and for a long time maybe that would have been true. However, now it's not. I am detached. The joint account I have to check sometimes to make sure he's not doing anything too outrageous with our joint funds as I don't trust him. The icloud thing I was searching for a decent photo of me to upload and happened across his selfies and thought how stupid I had been not to realise. The walk, I'm just keeping things civil.
My date last night was fantastic, 3 hours talking to a hot, clever, funny man. We are going to meet again sometime. I'm not sure he has the time to devote to a R with me but I'll just play it by ear and keep dating other men too. I really really liked him so I hope it goes somewhere. Best of a bad bunch by a mile!
But you don't have to have an excuse of having somewhere else to go or to to be, Dilly. You can just say you don't feel like it, or you had plans to take a bath and read a book, or you just prefer not to. I think it's worth sitting a while with the discomfort of that fear of his reaction if you said no to doing something you didn't want to do. You already have a lawyer, you're confident that lawyer can handle the money side of things and you don't think it is likely that your H would hide money given his job. So what else are you scared of? I think getting to the bottom of this would help you make freer decisions. After all - you're dating, seeing a lawyer, planning a divorce, and open to a sexual relationship with someone else. You're single. So is your H. You can be FREE from having to go on walks with an unpleasant man just as soon as you like.
