Limbo over, now separated but in lockdown (part 3)

[LH19]

P,

Like to great Braveheart yelled in his epic battle “Hold, Hold ,Hold!

[Pommy99]

P,

Like to great Braveheart yelled in his epic battle “Hold, Hold ,Hold!

Thanks LH. Do you mean hold my position? Don’t give anything away? What about NC? DB book says something about remaining pleasantly interested but at a distance...or something along those lines.

I do need him to feel like he’s really lost me, so I’m not about to invite him over for family bbq, but I need to get the balance right.

[LH19]

Yes. No need to contact him. Let him sit with this for awhile. Unfortunately I think this is him just wanting to hold onto plan B. He's not ready to commit and do what it takes. NC and no invites.

[Liz11]

Hi Pommy, I just read up on your thread and wanted to say that I think you’re doing very well with no contact. I can understand the struggle of trying to figure out whether that’s the right path, how much contact to give when the WAS is asking for more, and dealing with the limbo. I’ve struggled a lot with whether to go no contact for awhile, how much contact to give, and dealing with a H who, while saying things that look they are trending towards R, still keeps things or keeps going back to the middle. Good for you for navigating some of those situations deftly.

[may22]

Nice job, Pommy. you handled this like a pro.

Also.... he is so. ridiculously. predictable. If he feels hurt/scared that you might be "moving on" you may get another verbal lurch towards D... just be prepared for that. My guess is it will be continued temp checking, just on the other side-- to see if he'll get a response that way.

if he brings it up again, my recommendation is to say something along the lines of "I haven't closed off any options at this point" and being pretty matter-of-fact about it. No need to get into his behavior at all. I think if you start to say too much about well you're the one that left, you're the one that said you wanted to come back but then changed your mind-- it makes it all feel like your decisions and behaviors are driven by him. And maybe they are in real life, but he doesn't need to know that. What's happened has happened and now you're in a place where you're looking at ALL your options. You're in the driver's seat ... don't give it up.

Hang in there and stay strong.

[Sage4]

Hi Pommy, just checking in to see how you are doing today? I know that those 'temp checks' can throw me back on the rollercoaster (which I had just worked SO hard to get off of!). How is your mental/emotional state today? I hope you have/had a chance to do something for yourself today!

[Pommy99]

Hi Pommy, just checking in to see how you are doing today? I know that those 'temp checks' can throw me back on the rollercoaster (which I had just worked SO hard to get off of!). How is your mental/emotional state today? I hope you have/had a chance to do something for yourself today!

Hi Sage, I’ve been remarkably calm. This is the first time that I’ve felt properly in control of my emotions and not got caught up in a spiral of anxiety. I’ve been in this place several times before and now I know I’ve had enough. If he wants me he’s got to work hard. Previously I would have had him back at any cost- for the kids, the family, the lifestyle, the security etc. Now I know what I really want and deserve, and it’s not some half-@rsed excuse of a H! I want to be loved!

So yesterday he asked if I was free in the morning to talk and I said no. I went out and rode 100km on my bike, just on my own, 4hrs in glorious sunshine. Proper “me time”. When I got home he was at the house dropping the kids off. I said hi and then disappeared for a shower. He honestly couldn’t do enough for me...and I was so tired as it’s been a while since I’ve done those kind of miles I let him make lunch, make coffee, water my plants. And yes, May, ....he fed the birds!!!! We didn’t talk the talk and he asked if we could meet up today. So I’ve told him I’ll meet him after I’ve finished assembling my new patio heater!

Also.... he is so. ridiculously. predictable. If he feels hurt/scared that you might be "moving on" you may get another verbal lurch towards D... just be prepared for that. My guess is it will be continued temp checking, just on the other side-- to see if he'll get a response that way.

After I read this yesterday May, I realised I hadn’t considered that he may throw in a D talk - and maybe he still will, so thank you for the heads up on that as I would’ve been unprepared. However, he took the kids out yesterday and he’s told them he misses me, wants to come home and now it’s all down to me. I’m slightly annoyed that he’s brought the kids into this before he’s even spoken to me. And he’s REALLY hung up on the fact I may have OM as he’s mentioned it to them several times, even saying that the flowers on the dining table must’ve come from OM (actually i bought them for myself because I love me and when he lived here I never got flowers as he’s allergic to everything!!)

The kids are very cynical. They don’t want him back and to do what he did last month. So I’ve had to reassure them that nothing is going to change just yet. They’ve seen me in so much pain, and it put them in their own pain as well, so they are rightly apprehensive.

I feel very clear on where I stand. I will do what you suggest and say that I have not closed the door on any options. If this is called being in the driving seat then I feel like Lewis Hamilton right now!!

Will update later!!

[LH19]

P,

If H brings up recon I would respond with this:

It’s not that easy any more. I need time to think about what I really want. Then end the conversation and say you have to go.

Let him sit with it.

[Liz11]

Previously I would have had him back at any cost- for the kids, the family, the lifestyle, the security etc. Now I know what I really want and deserve, and it’s not some half-@rsed excuse of a H! I want to be loved!

Thank you for this. Keep on keeping on, Pommy.

[Pommy99]

Previously I would have had him back at any cost- for the kids, the family, the lifestyle, the security etc. Now I know what I really want and deserve, and it’s not some half-@rsed excuse of a H! I want to be loved!

Thank you for this. Keep on keeping on, Pommy.

Beth, I think I have transitioned from the fear stage to feeling that I will be ok either way. I still have wobbles, but my IC is helping me move forwards. I can see now how wrong and unfulfilling it would have been to keep him home through guilt, fear. He has said before if he comes back, he needs to know he is coming back for me. Last time (4 weeks ago) he didn’t feel like it was for the right reasons and he ran away again. And I learnt from that that I don’t want someone who isn’t sure how they feel about me, or who,isn’t committed to at least giving it 100% effort.