And then it was over.

[LH19]

I think IC can help you with your anxiety and fear. I know you can’t see it right now but this is what’s it’s all about. Your fear of the unknown. Everything your doing right now is out of fear and that’s when you make a lot of mistakes. You even indicated in your posts that your husband was getting angry. That’s not what you want right now. No relationship talks ever! You have to give him time and space. You have to not let him walk all over.

Sandis 37 rules are to minimize the damage. Yes you want to look your best but you are no in a competition with the OW. You are the prize here but you have to believe it. It’s gonna take a lot of time and hard work but you will get there.

I 100% promise you that no matter what happens you will eventually be fine.

[Ginger1]

Eeeeek. I probably could have written something similar 12 years ago when I was in my 20’s and my ex left me for another woman. With our first child, a 6 month old baby at home. I did the same things. Pried about OW. Digging just to hear that maybe he was with her but he still didn’t love her as much as me. Trying to set this crazy “boundaries” which were not actually boundaries at all.

I look back and I could only cringe. I could not believe how much I disrespected myself! How much worth I had lost feeling “better” when he told me he didn’t say he loved her yet. Thinking I was still on top. I was vying for the attention of a cheater trying to be better than OW. First, how can I think so little of myself? ANd how could he possibly find that more appealing and attracting? Pretty darned sure it was more pity because I seemed pathetic.

If I could change anything , it would be how I carried myself. How I valued myself. I wish I would have viewed myself as worthy. Not to get him back, but because I am so much better than that.

I will tell you, the harder you press him to stay in the house, then make rules about being discreet, the more you ask about their R, and the more you show him you will act like a wife to him while he is having an affair, the farther away he will go for sure. No doubt about it.

My ex had since married her, and it’s been a hood amount of years. I didn’t get my husband back ( thank god) but I got my dignity and self worth back. Those are priceless. My daughter can look at me and see a positive strong role model who wouldn’t play second fiddle to some other woman. You simply could not put a price on those things. Trust me.

[Traveler]

Competition? well, sure I am. Whats all this business about looking the best you can in those 37 rules, lose weight, new wardrobe, etc. Thats to have him look your way, rather than hers, right? I mean - he has us both on a scale - evaluating everything. So maybe competition is not right, but heavy comparison would be.

Eek! No, that's not the idea at all.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

The idea of GAL isn't to compete, it's more to put your focus on something productive (building yourself up) rather than something destructive (trying to mindread and control your ex). You even say you can sense his anger as you try to control him. That's natural! The gym's good, but we'd be almost as happy if you went for a massage or learned a new board game, doubly so if that involves a friend. Some of my GAL activities are playing guitar, learning backyard meteorology, and leading morning nature walks.

[may22]

Hi Misty,

On the competition... no. You are NOT in competition with her. That is what I meant when I said drop the paddle-- you can't win this game, so don't play.

Also... maybe it will help to think about what a total lying, cheating scumbag he is being right now. Why do you want him?

I also had a hard time separating myself from my identity as a mom/wife/working person. All day long people wanted something from me at work and then I came home and little people wanted something from me at home. A truly priceless part of this whole experience has been that it gave me back MYSELF and a better understanding of what I need and want to be happy and fulfilled. I'm glad your counselor pushed you on this and think you need to really double down here. Be selfish. What can you do today for youself?

An amazing vet named BluWave gave the following to me and I'm reposting it for you as I think it might help you. I copied this onto a note on my iPhone and read it multiple times a day.

You are the queen of your castle. Always.
You are the wife, you are the mother of these children, and this is YOUR family.
This is your home and you have a right to feel comfortable and safe there.
These M problems are not your fault alone.
The SSM was not your fault alone.
His A is not your fault and will never be your fault. This is HIS doing and his problem alone.
Right now, he is in the wrong and there is no justifying this selfish behavior. No more taking the blame.
OW is nothing and means nothing to you.
It is okay to feel angry, jealous, hurt, furious and anything you need to feel! Feel it and own those feelings -- they are your feelings!
There are safe people you can share your feelings with that won't judge you. Find them and cherish them.
You never have to compete with OW
There is no competition.
She is nothing to you.
It is not your job to convince him to stay.
You do not have to compromise your own needs or wants for him or any man.
You can take all the time and space you need.
You don't have to make any decisions or changes today.
There is always more time.
You do not have to share a bed with a liar and a cheater.
If he wants to leave for her, that is his choice and you can let him go.
He can own that decision and he can own the consequences of it.
He can break up his family if he chooses and you can still protect your castle and children. They will be okay.
You can still hold your head up high and you are still the queen.
I promise you will be okay with or without him there.
In time, this will work out for the best, eventually.
If over time you allow him back, or don't want him back, that is your own choice and no one elses opinion matters that much.
Life is long and complicated. Things will change for the bad, but also for the good.
In time, you can learn to love again and you will come out of this stronger.
You deserve love and respect.
Start by being the one to give that to yourself.
You can do this.

courtesy Blu, who I don't think will mind that I'm sharing this with you here. I just was looking back at my own threads from the fall and I was really in the same boat as you. I know it is really incredibly difficult. But you can do it.

[BlueSea]

May22 - Thank you for checking in on me, this is a great piece, thanks for sharing it - I am going to put this on my phone too. I don't want to be in competition with her. The words he used made me feel that way.

CWarrior - appreciate your ideas for GAL, I really think trying the guitar is something I want to do, never would have thought of that. Honestly, right now, I am planning one hour at a time. Get up. Go brush teeth. Get dressed....and get thru the day. I think I will add hitting Craigslist for a guitar.

No relationship talks ever! You have to give him time and space. You have to not let him walk all over.

LH19 - I get it, and I knew better, no R talks EVER! got it. I will give him time and space, to figure his stuff out. BUT... how do I not let him walk all over me? I mean, per MWD infidelity chapter, he gets to stay in the house and actively have his OW. So that part is confusing for me because that IS walking all over me. So, what did you mean LH19?

But those were the MWD instructions - wait it out - this A will most likely fizzle. There is no more exciting secrecy adrenaline rushes - the wife knows and he knows he is doing the wrong thing. He is here with his family, and at some point, OW will start asking for more time and start demands - and the glow will be over and just not worth it anymore. That is what I am doubling down on.

[LH19]

BS,

Ok so the problem I have with MWDs instructions on this is the assumption that you are going to everything else right including detach. If your going to do the in-house separation thing then you have to have the attitude of ok you are going to do your thing and I’m gonna go do mine. You split time with who is responsible for the kids and when he is you are out of the house and he has no idea where you are or what your doing. He does his own laundry, he shares the cooking responsibilities and you follow Sandis rules to a T.

You make it clear that you are taking this time to decide you really wanting moving forward. In-house separation with a spouse is extremely difficult and will take its toll on you. Please read what Ginger posted to you again. I know you can’t see it now but I promise you will someday. You are worth so much more then you know and will realize it someday. I’d look to come over and punch your husband in the face and teach him how to treat the mother of his children.

Read Bluewaves thread when you have time. She reconciled with her husband when she stopped tolerating his BS.

Be very kind and patient with yourself.

[dillydaf]

These spouses can really say some hurtful stuff. 'Incumbent' made me feel so bad for you. Like you're some kind of employee who can be fired willy nilly instead of someone he promised to love. My H described me and the kids as 'collateral damage' and that still makes me wince nearly 2 years later. I would also like to come over and punch your H. You deserve better. Please get some IC, you will spin for ages but IC is helpful in not over burdening your friends. Recovering from this takes time, you need to stop spinning, then start grieving, then start accepting. Radical self care and GAL are essential, even if you feel so bleak and sad and anxious that it's difficult to do. Things will get better with time, guaranteed xx

[BlueSea]

LH, DillyDaf - I appreciate both of your reaction to how H is treating me - because it makes me REALLY think what behavior I am accepting from him is off the charts not okay. I was actually okay with the incumbent word, made me feel better. I am embarrassed about that. I hate that I come off like a wallflower to him, sometimes even afraid to speak. I stutter, and speak softly, and he has to ask me to repeat it - and I get mad inside, because he knows he has the power. Even though I practiced what I was going to say, I wilt.

I used to think he was the most handsome guy....but something about him has become ugly. No lie. He stays up all night. His face is strangely swollen. He has a sty that has not healed right and its kind of disfiguring. He exercises alot and with the extra testosterone and HGH shots, he is pretty shredded...and when I make dinner he just stares...not nicely...and all of THAT intimidates me. Any ideas on how to counter that?

But I want you all to know, I am trying! I read, and read the posts, and other threads and MWD book, and pray. I want to do the right thing. So, for now, what I do know is the basics, I will not initiate anything, respond only (friendly, cordial, to the point answers) - absolutely no R talks. Note what works and doesn't work. This is pretty basic, but I can do that. If you have an additional tip, throw it out there.

A friend of mine is taking me out of here for a few hours tomorrow. That is a good thing.

Read Bluewaves thread when you have time.

LH - I tried to use search to do this, no luck, any chance you can paste a link to get to it?

[LH19]

Bluesea meet Bluewave

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=62920&Number=2894121#Post2894121

[BlueSea]

Thank you LH - Good stuff!