Darned Skeeters

[AndrewP]

Happy Thursday!

Not a lot to report here. I think that the hot weather we've had will finally break. Even though I hate having air conditioning because of the cost, the fact that in this drafty old house it doesn't work well and the environmental footprint I did install the one that S25 left behind a couple of days ago. I need to do some carpentry to install one of the ones that S had in S13's room. She picked them up from storage yesterday. I pushed back on doing that for my reasons above and also because it's not just a "pop it in" scenario. I have to remove a window, rebuild the sash and then heave it back in place at rather a height. S had no concept of what is involved I think. She keeps on mentioning "oh - we'll just take it out when we're not using it" which may have worked well in her apartment but not here. Perhaps once the work is done then she'll be more clear.

Having air conditioning in at least part of the house is something that she was very clear on as a requirement quite some time ago as she just can't stand the heat which she puts down to being a red-head. I don't know enough to judge, just that we evolved to not have air conditioning and that we can adapt. This is where we can disagree but because it's so important to one of us, we go that way. I don't feel too strongly about most things so I expect that going the other way on other things may not be quite so common.

S and I have had 2 online group sessions with her IC and a group of other singles and couples. It's gone decently. It's an odd group as it was intended for established couples to work on their communication and "re-ignite the spark". Most of the people in the group are single and a surprising (to me) large number are also therapists. There are two other "couples", one who is also just starting out and one where only the wife (a marriage therapist) is attending. Her H had an emotional affair and refuses to work on anything in the relationship, has lost his job and become a SAHD.

The therapists seem to be the most messed up of the group The singles are almost all women and they are all actively wanting a man in their lives and say that they came from abusive relationships. Their goal is to become a couple with "someone". From what I learned here, being comfortable with yourself is the first step and then you decide if being a couple is what you want. I did make a comment that I felt secure and complete in myself and wasn't looking to change myself just to be a good partner for S and the facilitator was pleased about that suggesting that was exactly the right path.

This is the IC that S has been seeing for several years and has a good relationship with. There is a final session tonight.

One of the challenges I have is that there is a presumption that everyone has come from a dysfunctional / traumatic relationship. While the ending was traumatic for me, and perhaps in hindsight the relationship wasn't great, I felt and still feel that I had a decent marriage. So when we are asked to identify for example what is needed in an "ideal" relationship, most people came up with a long laundry list of what they "don't" want - turned to be the positive version. So for S for example since she felt that she didn't have a voice in past relationships, she looks for "equality".

All I had down was "respect".

There was also a section where you were supposed to dream about an ideal future and what it looks like and who you want to become. Again, something I struggle with. I like me. I like S. I like my life. I'm good. I do know that S and I have things to work through to become a couple and that's the reason I'm there.

There's a quote by my favourite author that I firmly believe in and that S has trouble with

If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.

She believes in dreams and in trusting herself and while historically it hasn't worked well for her, it is her guiding principle and she has managed to get by.

S had a fairly extensive laundry list of what she was looking for in the section labeled "what do I need to keep my dream with you" - again a lot of things that she didn't have before that I consider a base case. On mine, I just had respect and positivity.

I'm thinking of not going on with the further group sessions. The more messed up people - especially the therapists who like to dig deep into themselves get us away I think from what I hope to work on. I will suggest that we book some one on one sessions though perhaps out a month or so after we get the move behind us and more settled.

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I had a talk yesterday with a neighbour who is also an LBS and who struggled an awful lot. He and his GF have lived behind me for about 3 years now. His ex (mid 40s) ran off with a man in his mid 60s and it wasn't good at all. Restraining orders and drama and all that. He seems like a decent guy and offered before I asked that the kids and dogs can run around on his part of the back yard that extends behind my lot. I expect that in return that he'll be raiding my rhubarb patch next year.

Am I perhaps the exception as someone who looks back on their marriage as being a decent life with a fairly decent person? Knowing what I know now I have absolutely no interest in going back but is it so rare to have just let it all go and move on?

I don't think so but perhaps the ones who are still wrapped up in their past are the ones who are more vocal.

Anyway - time to press Post and get on with my day.

[kml]

Having air conditioning in at least part of the house is something that she was very clear on as a requirement quite some time ago as she just can't stand the heat which she puts down to being a red-head.

I grew up without AC (not even in my car until the last 15 years or so!) in my (admittedly mild) climate. It never bothered me UNTIL my 40's when my thyroid went haywire and I was an untreated gluten-intolerant. Then I could barely get off the couch on hot summer days. Now I know it was about my adrenal function - heat intolerance can be a sign of low adrenal function.

Now that my issues have been tended to my heat tolerance is better (although still not what it was when I was young). I did break down and buy a portable AC unit for the family room a couple of years ago for my mother's sake. I was glad to have it because with climate change we have started to have more 100 degree days in the summer.

My message I guess is that although I share your concerns about AC and the environment, and even your Spartan "tough it out" attitude, don't assume other people have the same physical capacity to tough it out.

AS for the therapists being the ones with the most problems. - people do tend to go into fields where they have more experience!

And as for the marriage memories - even though in retrospect I can see my ex's narcissism, (which has become a problem in his relationship with the kids since the divorce), I still feel like I got many good years out of my marriage. Maybe it was the rose-colored glasses, and I certainly compensated for my ex in a lot of ways, but there were many good years, or at least years that felt good to me because I didn't actually know what was going on inside my ex's head lol.

I would never take him back and I feel like I got more good years than most, so I don't dwell on the bad - just let go and move on.

[AndrewP]

As a funny-to-me story, I used to drive a Jeep TJ back and forth from Toronto every day. Loads of fun to drive - I miss it but not the cost of filling that big tank nor the cost of repairs.

My wife made it very very clear to me one day after I got home with the roof off, doors off, shirt, tie, shoes and socks off and pants rolled up that my next vehicle was absolutely going to have air conditioning

S and I have agreed to have a talk about when to have the AC on or off. Her apartment would often get up into the 30s in the winter as the heating system there was poorly set up but if we have to spend a few bucks to ensure she stays healthy then that's what we'll do.

I suspect that in part that she's not used to talking things out with a partner. She's mostly used to just being the Mom and making all the decisions on her own I think. And she's also used to a very different household dynamic. As a single Mom who is used to having 5 kids each of whom had in some ways their own issues she is accustomed to a certain level of chaos that was reflected in her environment. She's used to ending arguments with a "because I said so". On the other hand, in her past relationships she ONLY had authority about the kids (and not always that) and everything else was dictated to her. And she resented that but lived with that and the routine criticism of what she did as part of her "normal"

On my side, I'm used to my routine, having things "just so". I've made it clear that the only things I truly care about are having the bed made and the counter clean at least once a day and that I take responsibility for making that happen if it's not that way already. I'm also used to not having to consult with anyone about anything I do. I am more used to working as a team with a partner though and my ex and I generally agreed on priorities and when we didn't we would work it out and the other would accept the outcome.

S and I are both having to adapt to a very different life, especially I think for S where she now has a partner who is present and only 1 kid who really isn't very high maintenance at all. It's going to take work.

[AndrewP]

What day is it?

I've been sure for the last couple of days that it's the first of June. Not yet. Drat. The weather has turned cold again after a few days of heavy heat.

Seems like less and less to talk about. As I've mentioned before all of S's kids have some sort of challenge and S13 is no exception. One of the challenges with him is getting the kid to eat. At 13 he's barely 50lbs and quite short. Common enough in her genetics and he's generally healthy and active. Like his older brothers I fully expect that one day a switch will turn and he won't be able to be filled up. In the mean time he's very picky. The other night at dinner he had a minor melt-down and refused to eat. S dealt with it calmly. No screens until he eats. He stomps off. I kept my mouth shut and we resumed our dinner. After I finish I hear them both in the kitchen laughing and joking and yes, he's eating. No drama, no threats, no bargaining. Just S standing firm, being the Mom. I told her late how impressed I was. My ex-wife would be screaming, kids would be crying and a lot of resentment (which m D27 still has) would be created and much less accomplished.

One of the things I'm working on with S is her regular use of the phrase "If that's ok" when making comments or suggestions. I give her a big raspberry and say "what do you think?" suggesting that as alternate phrasing. I suppose we all have those verbal and non-verbal things that perhaps minimize our own wants and needs. She takes it in good humour and I think appreciates that I am making an effort even in the words we use with each other to be equal partners.

We ran through the June budget together yesterday. I think it was a big milestone for us. We each have our own separate way of managing our money that we are fond of. I use a piece of software called YNAB to help me and manage it in many ways like an old-school cheque register. S has a notebook where she does out her budget taking her income from child-support, baby bonus etc and then subtracting off her fixed expenses leaving the rest for groceries and other variable expenses. We're going to keep some of the finances separate for now and S will manage her current fixed expenses and we'll review over time what gets rolled in to "family" like insurance etc. Most expenses related to S17 (soon to be 18) as he launches into his somewhat independent life will come from "her" side. I do think that we are at least in theory in agreement to how to manage the budget. I'm putting in to place some of the things that were common during my earlier marriage where each person gets some - as calls it - "walking around money". I asked and S had no opinion on how much to allocate for S13 for that. I'm leaving that completely up to her but have put it on the table as a suggestion. The key thing is that we need to be adaptable and that any significant expenses need to either be put into the budget at the start of the month or discussed before being made if they pop up mid-month. No spending of significant money without discussion. Things like groceries etc don't need discussion.

S's D25 is getting married! In a couple of weeks as per original plans. Only the mothers will be attending in person and so S is needing to shop for a new dress. There will be a larger celebration later. We wrote the cost of a gift and dress into the budget.

S is figuring that she'll lose the government "baby bonus" supplement starting in July when she advises that she's moved in with me. I make too much money for her to claim it. Her STBX made a lot less so that didn't have an impact and she also had 4 kids under 18 then as opposed to just 1 now. I've pushed her to check to see whether we can keep that income stream and not include my income until we are actually married but she disagrees.

The counseling sessions went well and I feel positive about them. The therapist is offering continuing sessions for about $550/month for 3 months. Tempting although money is tight and I checked with my benefits provider and this therapist isn't covered as she's not a licensed psychologist. We have to talk.

In other news I reached out to S25 letting him know what the menu is for Sunday Supper. He's passing saying he has other plans which is fine. Perhaps he's going to start seeing his mother more often, or he's just enjoying the independent bachelor life. Or maybe he's got a girlfriend? I really doubt that by a potential grandpa can dream after all

Now that I know where my ex lives, I glance at her place when I drive by. It's right on the busy street I have taken in "to town" for over 30 years and I'm not about to change my route. I did catch a glimpse of OM briefly yesterday. Didn't see him clearly as he was wearing a hoodie but at least in my perception he was looking hunched over. I don't know his age but he's got to be late 60s I would think. Perhaps living with my ex makes him feel "beaten down".

Well - enough for now. I have a fairly big list in front of me.

A bien tot mes amis.

[Ginger1]

What’s a government. “ baby bonus”?

[AndrewP]

What’s a government. “ baby bonus”?

It started as a government program to encourage people to have kids after WWII

It's an income supplement that comes as a monthly cheque based on your income and number of kids. S gets over $1000 / month with two kids under 18. That will be cut anyway on S17's birthday. When she was a single mom with 5 kids it was pretty significant but then again the cost of raising 5 kids is pretty high. It certainly doesn't pay you enough to stay home and start popping out kids but it does help reduce child poverty which is what the program has morphed into.

I think when I was married we got about $20/month for our 2 kids.

[kml]

Perhaps living with my ex makes him feel "beaten down".

Lolol!

[AndrewP]

The cadence of posting is slowing down again which is undoubtedly a good thing.

Stuff is happening, but it's just every-day life. I'm getting used to having an "insta-family" and someone next to me when I wake up in the morning that doesn't go "meow".

S over-did things at her apartment packing and has hurt her back again. She's resting and doing some exercises to help but has been essentially out of commission for the last couple of days. I picked up the load and on Monday did the cooking and helped last night (tacos!)

She's trying to get her kids to help more with packing up the apartment but reasons / excuses abound. She's hoping to make some substantial progress this weekend when the excuses become less. I suggested to her that while ideally it's done in a thoughtful manner that if push comes to shove we can just load stuff up on the trailer and put it in the garage and sort out over time.

She has some repairs to some carpet she wants to do and has asked me to swap back some light fixtures that she changed which will be done towards the end of the month. A thorough clean including carpet shampooing (I'm going to push for us to rent one of the "big" units) is also planned as several years of multiple pets - some of whom had a laissez faire attitude about using the appropriate recepticals - requires it.

I'm sure that S appreciates having the support of someone who will look after her and make sure that stuff gets done when she can't.

S13 is settling in fairly well too I think. He spends a lot of time in front of screens. I'd like him to be outside and rambling around but that's not really his thing. Being unable to get together with his friends or make new friends in the village because we're on lockdown still is a bummer but doesn't seem to bother him a lot. He has a "bestie" in his old home town (10 minutes away) that he would hang out with and ramble around town with for hours and hours that he can't currently visit. He has helped a bit in the garden and S and I have talked about getting him a regular chore rota and to start giving him an allowance - something he's never had before. He's a generally cheerful kid and while at 13 he does have the oddest comments on things and complains about being told what to do and what to eat, he's a decent kid and I think likes being here. I think that he likes the fact that for most things if he wants to help, I encourage it. This morning he cooked himself pea-meal back bacon "by himself" for the very first time. He asked a lot of questions, laughed when there was extra splatter when he was clumsy flipping it (we both laughed - the dog was thrilled) and I think was pretty proud of doing it "himself".

The plan for S17 (S18 in a month) to move in with his buddy is coming together and I'm not involved at all. The giant rabbit hutch is still in our enclosed front porch. Right now the rabbits live in a more open fenced environment in his room which is difficult to keep clean. I occasionally have my doubts about this, but S is confident and these are her kids.

The dog is quite happy here. She and the cats are now more or less getting along. The less dominant cat (Liz) still grumbles and growls from time to time but they largely ignore each other. The dominant cat (Amy) and the dog tolerate each other just fine. I did have a problem with the dog not coming when called but have been working on positive reinforcement (praise and treats) and now she's pretty clear on the concept - especially the treat part. She is a very smart little dog (MaltiPoo) and so I'm glad that this was relatively easy.

A big change for the dog is that in the apartment they were always working to keep her from barking including having one of those sound broadcasters. Here, she can bark. The neighbour dogs bark back or they start and she responds. If she does it too much, she's gently asked to stop which she usually will - with a couple of the barks that are "stuck" coming out. She's not a "barky" dog, but dogs do bark. She also loves racing around the back garden, chasing birds and squirrels none of whom hang around to play. We have quite a number of rabbits here now too who are perhaps bigger than the dog is but she doesn't seem to have any interest in playing with them. She didn't have a yard at the apartment so this is pretty nice for her. We don't have fences here but she's learning where the limits of her rambling are and doesn't get let out unsupervised.

S is learning how to "steer" me which is an on-going joke between us. The other night I spent about 1/2 hour laying flat on the floor getting a drawer in a cabinet to go in straight. I couldn't find anything "wrong" with it other than the drawer not closing properly so it took a while before I added a shim to one of the slides. S said that the cabinet (which had been at her STBX's place as too big to put in her apartment) had had the crooked drawer for some years although she was confident that it wasn't crooked when she first got it. It also had a broken glass door that I also repaired that she had been told was too expensive and complicated to fix so had been left broken for years. It cost me $18.

I know that fixing the hutch wasn't a top priority for her but she is patient with the fact that I will make repairs a higher priority than doing new things.

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Work is going decently as I evolve into my new role. The people I work with are great although the person I report to for this role is quite a micro-manager and has difficulty in letting go of doing this himself which he's done for 30 years. I take his regular "corrections and suggestions" with good humour I hope and joke back to him things like "how did your head not explode tracking all of this". I respect him as a person and his experience. The constant micro-managing is a thing and as I prove myself it becomes less on each task that I seem to master. I was told this morning that he's going to expand my role again fairly soon taking on planning for the entire plant. Both with him and the staff in the plant, I try hard to be appreciative when they give me information / correct me when I'm wrong and make a positive comment on how I'm glad that "they" know what's going on.

I'm learning the rhythm of the job which involves me getting up and having the draft plan ready for 7:00. At 7:30 I check for new orders and adjust and send it out. Then a flurry of micro-manager emails, confirmations, questions from customers and often a phone call from the plant. It tails off around 9:30 or so and I can then make my second pot of tea. Getting out of my PJs happens sometime later.

One thing that has changed especially after S has moved in is that I've more or less stopped drinking beer. Facing the barrage of emails with a hang-over makes for a very difficult day. I did it once and decided that that was a truly bad idea. I'm glad that things have played out as they have. I made my own decision, for my own reasons to cut something out of my life that wasn't good for me. After a rough day I still can "really use a beer" but I have a big glass of non-alcoholic cider or a can of ginger ale and that does the trick. Once we get out of lock-down I'll certainly go out for a beer with friends - the drinking friends - my Muslim friend and I usually have tea but it's unlikely that I'll keep it in the house.

When I feel the urge, I think about the effects. No power tools after beer is a long-standing rule. Not being able to drive (as if I have anywhere to go ) is something I don't worry about. Being a good example for S13 is also part of it.

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Our state of emergency here in Ontario has now been extended until the end of June. Blargh. Well - we'll save some money. S's D25 is going ahead with her wedding and S and I wrote into the budget for a new dress for S. Only the mothers will be attending in person. She's not sure where she can actually find a shop for a dress. She has a "lot" of clothes but says nothing "right" for this wedding. I certainly support the choice for a new dress. It's her first child getting married. The celebration is tentatively planned for next year. Not sure what this does for our own wedding plans - there's so much going on right now it's too far off the radar. I believe that S's divorce paperwork is going to be submitted later this week. She has the settlement on what she has to pay back to her STBX all figured out finally and was able to get a loan for that. She was already paying out the same as what the loan payment is so it's not something I need to worry about and with moving out of the apartment will be cash ahead. We've talked and in the pre-nup that loan will be set on her side of the fence as a pre-existing debt.

Well - enough for now.

Until later.

[Dawn70]

Sounds like domestic bliss heaven at maison d’Andrew. Woo hoo!

[job]

Andrew,

I am glad everything is slowly working out okay. You will be a great mentor to s13. He needs someone who will be patient, explain things and yes, even listen.

As for S, sorry her back is out of whack again. Hopefully she will be feeling better soon.