A new beginning part 5

[Ginger1]

The disconnect is the huge adoration your kids have for how wonderful of a father you are when you have admitted Absenteeism so extreme to the point you had no idea about any of this for 3 years. I can imagine, if I, and unattached unbiased person to your sitch sees that, it’s going to end up looking the same way to the courts. I would be very prepared for that. Because I think there is going to be a little bit of an uphill battle as this goes on. Did you report that your S17 was getting slapped around and emotionally abused too? He’s still a minor.

In the same breath, if you were so absent working so much and so hard to the point of that ^^^how much could you have possibly been paying attention to in your marriage? You must have been totally not present at all. By you account, you made the money working beyond hours of interacting with your kids much , Went to sleep and repeat. So, what kind of marriage did you really have? You did say she was always such a king to you, but used and abused others. How did you see how she did that other people? How was she such a king to you? Was your job simply to be treated like a king and make the money? Aside from the breadwinner, what else was there to your marriage when you worked 24/7.

What I mean by the boards aren’t the same anymore is that most are afraid to ask the tough questions. I’m not afraid to ask the tough questions, because they created exponential growth and realization in me .

Some people don’t really want that anymore. They just kind of want to be validated to death, and it’s not how I operate here. And I come here after a million years to help. But if I’m not helping anymore, I’m glad to step away. It’s all volunteering beyond my career, second job, raising my daughter and keeping this household going. This is my volunteer time, which I am happy to do. If it’s beneficial

[JosephS]

Ginger,
Of course I reported everything. And they have all the letters the kids wrote. I guess you didn’t read the part where the state psychiatrist recommended her paternal rights be stripped. We aren’t going to court. It’s mediation and she isn’t interested in being a mother. She’s been served. She’s made it clear to my lawyer she’s fine with shared legal custody and me having primary physical custody where she can have visitations at an agreed upon time. Doesn’t mean i ever have to agree to it. But I didn’t want to share that until it was a done deal.

As far as my marriage goes, no her job was never to treat me like a king. That’s ridiculous, but you know what she could have done? Told me she’s changed her mind and didn’t want me to work as much. Take a different shift. Tell me she was unhappy. Or she could have said Joe, listen I’ve fallen out of love with you and I’m gonna leave. It’s not working. There was no need to have an affair and hide it like a teenager and bring the kids into it. There’s never an excuse for that. There was never an excuse to walk out on the kids either.

My kids are in therapy. They’ve done so well. They’ve forgiven me for working and my absenteeism. I’m not going to apologize anymore for it. Because me beating myself over and over again for it doesn’t do anyone any good. And that’s straight out of my IC mouth.

And seriously there’s no growth in this for me. It’s not like you haven’t asked the questions before. You have. I’ve admitted it makes me feel shameful and like a complete failure. So seriously where’s the growth in pointing it out over and over again?

Appreciate everyone’s help during this time, but I’m gonna focus on me now and my kids. I’m gonna focus on the future and being happy and not staying stuck in the past. I want a path forward not a path where I’m constantly looking in the rear view mirror wondering what I did wrong. Cause no matter what I did wrong, her having an affair and acting that way is her choice and has nothing to do with me. As far as my kids I’ve accepted my sins. I’ve lived them, breathed them, and was haunted by them.

I wish you all the best

[LITB]

Joe,

I have never posted to you. Your last post is spot on as far as your path forward. Focus on you and your kids. The only reason to look back, is to visit areas to grow. No need to live there. That's why the rear view mirror is small and the windshield is large.

I hope you continue to post.

[SteveLW]

The disconnect is the huge adoration your kids have for how wonderful of a father you are when you have admitted Absenteeism so extreme to the point you had no idea about any of this for 3 years. I can imagine, if I, and unattached unbiased person to your sitch sees that, it’s going to end up looking the same way to the courts. I would be very prepared for that. Because I think there is going to be a little bit of an uphill battle as this goes on. Did you report that your S17 was getting slapped around and emotionally abused too? He’s still a minor.

In the same breath, if you were so absent working so much and so hard to the point of that ^^^how much could you have possibly been paying attention to in your marriage? You must have been totally not present at all. By you account, you made the money working beyond hours of interacting with your kids much , Went to sleep and repeat. So, what kind of marriage did you really have? You did say she was always such a king to you, but used and abused others. How did you see how she did that other people? How was she such a king to you? Was your job simply to be treated like a king and make the money? Aside from the breadwinner, what else was there to your marriage when you worked 24/7.

What I mean by the boards aren’t the same anymore is that most are afraid to ask the tough questions. I’m not afraid to ask the tough questions, because they created exponential growth and realization in me .

Some people don’t really want that anymore. They just kind of want to be validated to death, and it’s not how I operate here. And I come here after a million years to help. But if I’m not helping anymore, I’m glad to step away. It’s all volunteering beyond my career, second job, raising my daughter and keeping this household going. This is my volunteer time, which I am happy to do. If it’s beneficial

Great points by Ginger. And it really hit home with me. I too was absent due to work. I am guilty of everything you mention above except that my W didn't abuse our D. She may have been guilty of a little neglect herself, by far less than I was. (I did a few things right like I never missed a school event or sporting event of my D, but short of that I was working 16, sometimes 18 hours a day!)

To use a COVID illustration, my marriage had preexisting conditions (SSM, I had resentment over that, we weren't emotionally connected any longer) and my absenteeism due to working was the virus that started to kill my marriage.

Joseph, my struggles with the above are well documented. Actually, my W was much quicker to embrace my changes and forgive me than was my D. My D had a lot of resentment built up against me for being so absent, and it took a lot of work and consistency on my part to get over that. We were able to get her to one counseling session but she was very resistant to that. Not sure if the older kids hold any resentment towards you for not being there to protect them, but consistent behavior on your part over time will certainly help with that. I am less concerned with the courts in your situation. I highly doubt your W will fight custody based on her recent behavior. I think she will actually see you having full custody where she can "visit" the kids at her own discretion. In fact, this is behavior we've seen from the most WWs so making sure there is a clear visitation order in place will be paramount in your situation.

[Ginger1]

I never said her job was to treat you like a king. You said she did, but she used and abused others.

I am a believer that the rear view mirror is extremely important and should be examined closely and learned from in order to move forward and dig deep and realize why what happened, what could have been done differently, and how to prevent it going forward.

It seems like we may not be on the same belief system.

So, like I said, you can stay. I’ll gracefully bow out

[MrBrside]

I am a believer that the rear view mirror is extremely important and should be examined closely and learned from in order to move forward and dig deep and realize why what happened, what could have been done differently, and how to prevent it going forward.

This 100%

There are things you cannot control - but you can learn from the mistakes you ( we all ) made along the way, and use that to become a better version of you..

You know you made some mistakes with the kids - whats important now is that you become their rock and dont let them down in the future - if you do that, you are a winner, regardless of the ex loony wife. TBH, it sounds like you have a great relationship with them, so keep it up.

My personal take on 99% of the situations i read on this site is just walk away, DBing as a way to focus on a better you rather than a way that eventually may get the ex back - close that door / old news ! - its a focus on you, with zero interest in the ex - my mindset is different to a lot of people...

I personaly think if people actually just reflected, made the changes they need and become that better person / parent then while the ex hits rock bottom, you are on top of the world - not needing them or their messed up mindset to drag you down.

You have taken a few 2x4s in the past weeks, and you are still here - i can name a few posters who don't like to hear the truth and just stop posting. I think you are doing great and if you keep that focus on the kids and you, you will walk out of this smiling with a future of good times and happy memories... hopefully with a loony ex way behind you, not even in the rear view mirror.

[Mumin]

Following your thread closely, its what keeps me active here atm. Lots of good inspiration and feedback. Thank you!

All this is still quite new and the significance of what has happen is hard for anyone to comprehend.
My take:

There are things you cannot control - but you can learn from the mistakes you ( we all ) made along the way, and use that to become a better version of you..

That's for later where you stand now IMO. Too much other stuff going on.

You know you made some mistakes with the kids - whats important now is that you become their rock and dont let them down in the future - if you do that, you are a winner, regardless of the ex loony wife. TBH, it sounds like you have a great relationship with them, so keep it up.

THIS 100000% right now! Sounds like you're on the right path.


In a way you are at a "stable" place in your sitch.
Maybe buy a parenting book? I recently picked up one myself.

A question, why not go for 100% legal custody?

[Traveler]

I'm also curious why you're not seeking primary legal custody. My ex-wife had incidents of abuse that were minor compared to what you describe--e.g., slaps for no reason instead of being shoved against a wall plus emotional abuse--and I've enjoyed primary legal custody for ten years. It was paramount to me, given her mental state, that I made any significant decisions involving the kids. Fortunately, my ex got better, and incidents eventually become old enough the court stops considering them.

[JosephS]

Oh I appreciate everyone’s responses and I’ll definitely keep posting. My point is I know my mistakes as a father. It’s been covered by family therapy and individual therapy. We’ve been over it. I don’t need to keep going over it and over it. My kids have given me a second chance. I’ll never let them down with that. They don’t hold resentment towards me. Well not anymore. They did for a while. Bottom line is I made them feel less important than a job and their mother. Never again will they feel that way. When I did have time off I was lazy and felt entitled to be lazy because of how much I was working. I was always available to talk or meet their basic needs. I did show up to ball games or chorus concerts etc. but hey dad can we play catch, no I’m tired. Can you take me here, really I just sat down. Again lazy. I’ve completely 180’d as a parent and it was incredibly easy for me to do that once I really felt my mistakes. It’s been this way for months now and they know, feel and accept it. As an example we are going to Dunkin (again) and getting iced coffees. I asked S17 if he wanted to take one to his girlfriend and say hello to her. He didn’t ask, but the smile on his face. It’s the little things like that. It’s made a huge difference. I’m not just saying I’m gonna change, I live it constantly and throughly. And yes they do absolutely appreciate the change in me. I not saying I was a bad father before, but yes incredibly lazy.

The thing I struggled with as a father is what contact was appropriate for their mother to have. I never wanted to keep her out of their lives. I will never be that parent that lets my personal feelings/divorce get in the way of them having a relationship with their mom. I can’t stand parents who hold children hostages as a way of leverage. However, with the abuse, what they endured, it’s not appropriate at this time for their to be any contact. And as stupid as it sounds I pray and I mean pray that’s whatever happened to my W, she will get the help she needs and make true amends with her children. What that’ll actually look like is anyone’s guess. If that’ll happen is anyone’s guess. But either way for now and the foreseeable future it’s not gonna happen.

Here’s the thing, I’ve looked deeply at myself as a husband and father. I know what I did wrong as a father. Truly appreciate and understand what I did wrong. I absolutely paid more attention and showed more affection to my W. Hard to admit, but nonetheless 100% true. I was lazy. As a husband, was I perfect, no not at all. No one is. But at the very least I never ever deserved to be cheated on and lied about the way I was. As far as the future and what I could do better I’ll cross that bridge when it comes. I’m still technically married, and I will respect that til the divorce is final. I don’t want to be with someone else. I have no interest in it. This doesn’t mean I want a relationship with her. It doesn’t mean I have hope she’ll be back. It just my personal feelings for myself that while we are married I would cheating and not honoring a promise to made to god. I don’t look down on others who know their marriage is over and move on and date others. It’s a personal choice. I just don’t have time to worry about another woman. I’m content with where things are at.

As far as why I’m not going for legal custody, truth be told my lawyer said to do it that way as it looks more enticing for her to sign and allow us to move on.

[JosephS]

Hey CW, the way it was explained to me was she’d be able to make decisions for them if I was fully incapacitated. Yes roll of the dice a bit I suppose or maybe I’m misunderstanding. My initial goal is Full primary physical custody and that’s exactly what I’m gonna end up with. She won’t be able to take them from school or work. She won’t be able to see them unless I agree which obviously I won’t.

Edit: let me ask, I was under the impression that legal custody just had to do with school and doctors and things of that nature. Can you point me in the right direction about why legal would be important? I was very fixated on physical. Would she be able to make decisions for them if I’m fully functional for lack of a better term if she doesn’t have them physically?