Hi KC, I’ve been thinking about ya a lot lately and following your sitch. I’m glad you are having a great day! Don’t let the phone calls and texts get to ya! And I’m well aware easier said than done. But you have come along way and you should be proud of that!
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I'm forgiving myself for following up with the puppy. H works nights
1am Me: did puppy eat last night? H: Yes he ate more 1hr later H: We're going back out to the farm tomorrow. I'll see how he does. H: Is a raw egg good for him? 1hr later Me: No H: ok Me: Glad he is better H: I think most of it was stress H: like I said he hasn't left my side 3hr later Me: We miss him here. But, I'm glad he is bonding with you. He is a good dog (<<<THIS TOTAL FAILURE ON MY PART)
For starters I probably should have 100% waited for H to follow up with me about the puppy. But, this is what I do. Don't think for one minute I haven't been up thinking about a patient at 3am... happens a lot. For critical ill patients I've actually been up at 1am and 3am to drive into the office to check on them - we are not 24hr. I return 80% of client questions/concerns personally. So this is in the realm of what I do for other patients.
However, I will admit that 50% of this reach out was not out of pure concern the puppy. And, it clearly went on longer than it should. I totally should have never put the comment about missing the puppy because we ALL know that was me saying "I miss you".
Regardless I am glad the puppy is bonding with him. My H is a good person who did a very bad thing. Whatever happens in our future this puppy will help heal the pain in his heart. One of the biggest reasons I let that puppy go is that he has a purpose to serve. This puppy not leaving his side ---- is giving my H unconditional love. Something for whatever reason he was not feeling from me. And, I think it is helping my H feel better. With me or without me... my H will be fine and I will be fine.
Me: We miss him here. But, I'm glad he is bonding with you. He is a good dog (<<<THIS TOTAL FAILURE ON MY PART)
Right from the post you read over and over:
Everything you do right now is going to make him either more resentful, or less resentful.
If you increase his guilt, by blaming, shaming, or making her responsible for your emotional state, he's going to resent you more.
If you pursue him, argue with her, or try to convince him to work with you on the marriage, he's going to resent you for not letting him go and not giving him the space he wants.
If you immediately address all her historic complaints, he's going to resent the fact that you didn't do it sooner, and things had to get this bad for you to take action.
If you give him space, it’s going to make him less resentful.
If you live your own life, and are happy and joyful for your own sake, it’s going to make him less resentful.
If you are respectful in your communications with him, but not intimate, it’s going to make him less resentful.
*Eventually* he will burn through that big pile of resentment.
*Eventually* he will process his anger at you and it will dissipate.
UNTIL he goes through both of those processes, he will not see you as anything other than he believes you to be based on his prior training.
INCREASING HIS GUILT BY TELLING HIM YOU MISS HIM MAKES HIM MORE RESENTFUL!
Last edited by job; 05/28/2003:53 PM. Reason: fixed quote
KC, you admit that 50% or more was more about engaging with him rather than following up on the puppy.
SO..........
2x4:
I see a pattern with you. You get all up on Sparkly Girl. On finding your mojo. On going dark.
Then you give in and reach out and engage.
You then admit it was wrong, and followup with all kinds of rationalizations, excuses, and reasoning as to why it wasn't as bad of a slip-up as it was. "I would be like this with anyone." "I am a follower upper on my patients." Etc......
Do you remember the rules of engagement for NC? If so can you repeat them back to me?
BIGGER 2x$: "My H is a good person who did a very bad thing."
HUH?!?!? People are not separate from their actions. People are defined BY THEIR ACTIONS. A good person doesn't do very bad things. That doesn't mean they are mistake free. But it just makes no sense to say: "He did a really bad thing......but he is a good person!" Makes no sense at all.
"He is a good employee, he only stole from us once." "He is a good husband, he only punched me in the face one time!" "They are a good kid, they've only been arrested and charged with a felony once."
Said no one ever.
Last edited by Steve85; 05/28/2002:41 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
KC, one last thing. You are 14 threads and several months in, and despite all of the advice and all of the learning, you are still making the same mistakes. I really really think you could benefit from hiring a DB coach and/or getting into IC. I do not see you properly healing and moving forward without that. I think you are a bit of a denier of reality. Thus statements like: "He is a good person that did a bad thing." This denies the truth that he is a liar and a cheater. About the worse thing a spouse can be. This denies that he has done MANY bad things, not just one. He is like David in his affair with Bathsheeba, and all of the bad things he did following that affair. Doing a BAD THING leads to many other bad things. If you don't believe me, ask your S18.
So stop trying to redeem the irredeemable. There may come a day when through proper remorse and committing to the work he needs to do to make a series of 180s, he can become redeemable. But you don't forgive someone that is actively committing the sin. You move on and past it.......and I don't see you doing that without help.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
1am Me: did puppy eat last night? H: Yes he ate more 1hr later H: We're going back out to the farm tomorrow. I'll see how he does. H: Is a raw egg good for him? 1hr later (3 AM???????????) Me: No H: ok Me: Glad he is better H: I think most of it was stress H: like I said he hasn't left my side 3hr later (6 AM???????????) Me: We miss him here. But, I'm glad he is bonding with you. He is a good dog (<<<THIS TOTAL FAILURE ON MY PART)
The whole thing was a failure on your part. You've got to dig down deep and be stronger KC!! You keep following your heart and your instincts but they are wrong. You never should have texted him at 1am to begin with. And then again at 3AM, and 6AM!!!! WOW! That is so needy and desperate that it makes me feel all oogie.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Then you give in and reach out and engage.
You then admit it was wrong, and followup with all kinds of rationalizations, excuses, and reasoning as to why it wasn't as bad of a slip-up as it was. "I would be like this with anyone." "I am a follower upper on my patients." Etc......
Steve is right, your rationalization hamster is running on overdrive all the time!
He's also right about your H being a bad person. He may have been good before but he's gone wayward and he's got to go on a journey to resolve that, a journey he may never even begin. You can't help him, and you shouldn't even want him back the way he is right now. For all intents and purposes, it's like your old H has passed away. You're clinging to someone that looks like him, but it's not him. Will your old H ever return? Who knows. My XW never did go all the way back to "pre-BD normal". She went maybe halfway back. And even that took years.
I'm making all kinds of excuses. You're right its because I miss my H - who he used to be with me, but he is not that person. At least not with me anymore.
70% of the time I'm just fine... that 30% is kicking my butt.
I will go dark. I will go dark. I will go dark. I will go dark. I will go dark. I will go dark. I will go dark. I will go dark.
Got the message loud and clear. Do not contact this man under any circumstance.
Remember the rules of NC. Never initiate contact. When he does, do not answer the phone. Do not answer informational texts. If he asks a direct question, take your time answering. Then answer in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
To LH point. The more business like you answer his questions the more resentment he'll burn off.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I woke up this morning taking accountability for how I set myself back - in a minor slump today. That and the fact I hate the weekends anymore.
Work is very busy and for that I am grateful.
I'm making a list of things I NEED to do this weekend and a list of things I WANT to do this weekend. I'm going to really stay busy. Gosh this C-19 thing is killing me though as I would love to get out of town!!!!
I've gotten closer again to my male bff of 40yrs. We chat daily again. If they ever open the borders again he will take me sailing on his yacht!
In the meantime we are discussing getting some symbolic matching tatoos... which is soooooo unlike me. I have never had a desire for a tatoo... I don't care for them. If its your thing... fantastic! But, never ever been my thing. EVER. But, maybe its time for a small one with strong meaning. IDK... there is still plenty of time to change my mind as bff and I live several states away.
And, it clearly went on longer than it should. I totally should have never put the comment about missing the puppy because we ALL know that was me saying "I miss you".