I guess I will start from the beginning. My W of almost 16 years decided last month that the issues she has addressed for the past years with my lack of emotional support have weighed on her so much that we should be separated. That night she moved out to her parent's house and has been gone for almost a month and a half now. Approximately one week after she left she decided that "she did not want to be married to me anymore."
Needless to say, I am trying to work through all of these issues, but I am having a hard time coming to terms with her reason for the BD. I personally think that her leaving was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to our M, but she has not allowed any time for the S to work. She told me that she has tried everything in the past 15 years to get me to be more emotionally connected to her and none of it has worked. So her stance is that anything that I do now is it's too little, too late. She has completely checked out of our M and she does not want to put any effort into the R.
I got the DB book about three weeks into the S and have tried to implement the LRT. Unfortunately, I have backslid a few times and am having trouble letting go. I have begged and pleaded for her to reconsider her decision and I've hoped that making her see what this is doing to our D13, would make her change her mind. I've even told her that I don't want her to change her mind right now, I just want her to allow the time and hopefully, counseling in the future may give her the opportunity to change her mind. She told me as recently as last weekend that she has made up her mind and that she will never change her decision.
Unfortunately over this last weekend, I found evidence that she's been having an EA for several months now. I believe that this has been a major catalyst for her decision to leave and BD. I confronted her and our "friend" about the EA and asked them to stop the EA. He said that he would, but the only thing that she said to me is that she would not stop being his friend. I have no faith that the EA has stopped, but I am hoping that it has.
So right now, we've had some very difficult discussions about the R and I've brought it up more than I should have. I 've allowed my emotions to take control of my actions and I have not been putting my best foot forward. She is a very stubborn person and is resolute that her decision is final and she will never change her mind. We have talked recently and both of us have agreed that we both want to work on our friendship and that she is willing to go to counseling, but only so that we can move toward an amicable D. I don't want a D and am struggling every day with the loss in my life. Every day gets a little better, but this is the worst emotional roller coaster that I have ever been on. Leni tells me there is hope, but it's really hard to see when the W is so certain that her decision is the right one.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am sorry you are here Biz but you cam to the right place.
When people get into emotional affairs, it's a very stark mixed bag of feelings. For one, getting loads of positive attention from a member of the opposite sex is intoxicating, it's really like a drug. Then, there's the accompanying feeling of guilt knowing that they are doing something wrong.
Rather than get angry at themselves, they think "why am I feeling guilty? It's because of HIM, HE'S making me feel guilty"
Then, you become the bad guy, and they look to reinforce their argument that "you are making them do this" by searching for any negative things that you do, re-writing your history so it was always bad, etc. etc. etc.
It's a very predictable and repeatable pattern unfortunately, and the things your wife is saying and how she is acting are no different.
The guilt she feels over her EA is yet another reason she resents you, so anything you do to guilt her, shame her, or make her responsible for your sadness is going to increase her guilt and therefore increase her resentment.
Your best bet is to go the opposite direction and give her more space than she wants. The DB prescription is (1) 180: whatever she assumes she knows about you, demonstrate that it's not true. If you used to get angry and honk in traffic, don't do that even in the worst scenario, etc. (2) Get a Life: go out and do things with other people and enjoy your life, establish new relationships, (3) Act as If: Act as if everything is 100% awesome in your life.
There is NOTHING you can do about her affair partner or what she's going to do next. You can only control what you're going to do next.
People often fear that if they go in the other direction, are they telling their partner they don't care, or giving their tacit approval for the affair to continue, or how will they demonstrate that they're different if the other person doesn't see them, etc. etc.
The answer to all of that is "NO" -- the answer is to give space, not pursue, and all it means is that you're giving space. There's nothing else to read into it.
I notice you think the separation is to work on this marriage and you are taking offense that she is not of a similar mind. Separation is done to facilitate divorce, despite what the desperate mind of a left behind spouses (LBS) tries to rationalize about it.
It appears that you asking her to change her mind, begging and pleading, and asking her to give this more time has not worked yet. A DB hallmark is doing what works. I know you want to change this around today or tomorrow but it will likely be over a year long process so slow down and breath, think and prepare.
I wouldn't ask her about marriage counseling either. I am not a big believer in marriage counselor. It is pressure and 1 hour of arguing. Give her time and space. Remove pressure. Become attractive. Listen more, talk less. Grow as a man.
Ignore the EA. Y'all are separated now and even though she had an affair it doesn't matter at the moment. If she is kicking down your door to get you back, and she is not doing this, then you discuss the affair. Otherwise talking to her about it will be useless. I'd recommend talking to her very little. Cut ties on social media. Join some groups in your area (see Meetup.com or facebook groups), start new activities, new interests, and pour your heart into your daily activities.
DO NOT "work on your friendship" or go to marriage counseling. You don't want to be in the friend zone and marriage counseling is a waste. She wants you to get the picture. She is out. Say "OK" and go make your life great again. Seriously. You aren't going to win her back by being "friends" while y'alls "friend" is her romantic interest. Screw that guy. And screw her for cheating and leaving you. Move forward with things.
You have this big freedom to do what you want now. There were so many great things about my separation that I didn't even realize at the time. I watched whatever show I wanted, I always picked what meal I wanted, I went out to bars and talked to pretty women, I saw my friends more, I ran more, I exercised more, I read more, I played more video games, I went hunting more. Become attractive.
Go LRT. Maybe she'll come back but prepare for the worst and love her from afar in the meantime.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thank you for your response. I have made a conscious decision to not do anything that will not do anything to make matters worse. Unfortunately, it is easier said than done. I am talking to Leni tonight and I hope that we can put a concrete strategy together, I am going to need to understand how the friendship should look moving forward.
I think I was typing this and then got distracted. I read this quote somewhere in my reading, possibly this site. What I meant to say is, I am making a commitment to become more conscious of the times when I am only making matters worse by stubbornly sticking to what I know isn't working.
I would also like to comment to ovrrbnw's post. I know that you are stating not to be friends with her, but one of the issues she is complaining about is that she did not feel we had an emotional connection. If I want to show her that I am able to have that deep emotional connection, the best way to do that is to show her that I can do it as a friend. I am going to talk to my coach about it tonight and come up with a strategy.
I would also like to comment to ovrrbnw's post. I know that you are stating not to be friends with her, but one of the issues she is complaining about is that she did not feel we had an emotional connection. If I want to show her that I am able to have that deep emotional connection, the best way to do that is to show her that I can do it as a friend. I am going to talk to my coach about it tonight and come up with a strategy.
Yea I hear ya. This would be a good 180 for you, so learn to validate her feelings when she shares them and how to be a listener to women. But do not be a friend. I have zero women friends. I had some acquaintances over the years through work and social groups, but no friends. You have to tread carefully here especially since there is another person involved. It's hard to make that deep emotional connection right now with her wanting a divorce and an OM. Settling for "friends" certainly won't get you there.
The friend doesn't get the date, he doesn't take the girl home, the friend just gets to watch things happen. Is this making sense?
Is Leni your DB coach?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Yes, all of this makes sense and that is why I think I need a strategy for moving forward. Yes, Leni is my coach and I am talking to her tonight. I need to be strong and confident, but I feel that I also need to allow opportunities for open and honest communication. Since she has moved out, I do not have a lot of those. Obviously, right now I am a mixed bag of crazy and I'm just trying to stay sane and deal with everything. I have more than one person say to me that they would never imagine this in a million years that they thought my W and I were soul mates.
Each day gets better than the last, but it is truly an emotional roller coaster. I plan on treading lightly and with the help of Leni I hope to have a solid strategy in place that I can work from.
I think I was typing this and then got distracted. I read this quote somewhere in my reading, possibly this site. What I meant to say is, I am making a commitment to become more conscious of the times when I am only making matters worse by stubbornly sticking to what I know isn't working.
I would also like to comment to ovrrbnw's post. I know that you are stating not to be friends with her, but one of the issues she is complaining about is that she did not feel we had an emotional connection. If I want to show her that I am able to have that deep emotional connection, the best way to do that is to show her that I can do it as a friend. I am going to talk to my coach about it tonight and come up with a strategy.
Thanks for the advise
Ok, good. I was afraid you thought doing things that were intuitive to you were things that wouldn't make things worse. It is common LBS thinking. But you are right, doing those things that come natural are what make matters worse, so good job understanding that.
Also, listen to ovr. "We didn't have an emotional connection." as a reason for BD and separation doesn't mean you run out and immediately try to forge an emotional connection with her. What if one of her complaints was "we didn't have sex enough", would you really be trying to have sex with her right now? Her complaints for why she left cannot be fixed now. It is too late. All you can do is give her time and space, when she initiates interaction listen and validate (like ovr says), and see if her curiosity/desire to R/giving it another try kicks in. Then you can show her that you can connect with her emotionally. Until then, trying to connect with her emotionally will feel like you are just making changes to win her back.
Focus on you. GAL, 180s, and detachment. That is the best way to proceed.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
