AS and Steve gave you good advice. Now it is time to learn how to be more attractive and mysterious. You are falling too close to the friend zone.
Everything in your day is about her and her work and how y'all are interacting. What can you do to break your dependence on her and develop some new friends and/or hobbies?
In my neighborhood I would be golfing, tennis, running, fishing, joining different groups. And then I would going to local parks to run, read, fish, swim, walk. I would find new tv shows you like if you stay in, or new recipes, or new hobbies like woodworking or training your dog.
Read about attraction and seduction. Look for the big post from an old poster named "Coach" on this, or read about it elsewhere on the web.
Cheers ovrnbw. I do feel that my postcode/Zip is FZ1 BLX. I find Myself in a position of trying to be someone only a fool would leave ( by being pleasant and upbeat when we interact) and trying to Detach then ending up completely confusticated.
Everything is still in lockdown here (may be fit to return to work next week, so will be fit to leave the house during the day, W has been told it may be a year. ) There is nowhere to go in the evenings. Should possibly do some evening walks or just make myself scarce in the house?
I have just got a bike and have spent the last two afternoons out with friends. My mind races from hope to despair. Sometimes I just want to sit her down and go "what are your actual plans? " Her parents Have been IHS for 30 years.
Hi, ovrrnbw , I was trying to be a smart ass FZ1 BLX would translate as Friendzone 1 B@llox ( could also be used as a number plate, this might make more sense to UK readers), Had seen some of the Coach stuff before but can't find the specific thread.
Since I last posted Lockdown has partially lifted and I am back working in town (I.T). It feels good to get more space and interact with other people. Estate agents have reopened so W has a renewed chance to move out.
Sitch with W remains stable, No arguments or blowups. She initiates 90 percent of conversations I validate and remain cool, calm and upbeat. No physical touch apart from accidental while passing cutlery. Part of me thinks that she is quite happy with the current set up( we have a nice house with a garden in a nice part of town)though I could be completely wrong and I am just mind-reading. Sometimes I feel like we are a polite mirror version of her parents who have been IHS for 30 years (they really don't get on) . I have noticed that she keeps quite a tight hold on her phone. Though So do I, due to reading this site. Which I have to say has kept me sane and stabilized.
found this quote from Steve85
"See I was a lot like you from Dec. 23, 2017, through about mid-February 2018. I had to have her. I had to have her stay. I felt I would die if she ended up leaving. Then something strange happened. I actually started to look at the possibilities if we did S and D. That, darn it, I am quite a catch myself. Any woman would be lucky to have a guy that was hardworking, kept himself in shape, cared about others, and that had values. Sure I would be sad at losing her, but my life would go on, I would thrive, and I would have endless possibilities at female companionship if that was something that I chose to pursue."
From about a week ago it nails pretty much how I am feeling (most, not all of the time). First of all, I thought "The gift of time " phrase that is used here was about saving the MR now I am beginning to realize it is about saving yourself.
This makes me both happy and sad. I keep resisting the urge to go " Listen we need to sit down and work out some sort of road map towards D.I.V.O.R.C.E."
I am split between, thinking I'm Calling her bluff, actually meaning it, and just wanting this Limbo to end. I have read somewhere around here that you should give it a year before such talk( i am only at 7 months) so I will adhere and STFU.
The timeline is up to you. One man's 1 year is another man's 7 months. We often tell LBSs that they can pull the plug anytime they'd like. It is as up to them as it is the LBS.
However, I would caution against the discussion. When you are ready to move forward you just go do it. Talking about it isn't going to help you, and can only hurt you.
And obviously only do it when you really mean it. Don't do it to call her bluff or just to end limbo. Many LBSs want out of limbo until the minute the limbo is over and S or D comes to fruition. So only go file/move it forward when you are ready to be divorced.
Otherwise, I'm liking this update a lot. Good progress on your part. Keep DBing!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have spent the last week allowing W to initiate nearly all conversations. Days have consisted of me arising at 8 am and making a cup of tea for myself and W . W will arise about 8.45 and make coffee for both of us and breakfast then both of us will start working, me in the living room and W in a small office upstairs.
At around 11 W will make tea and tell me about her work. Around 1 she will normally make lunch, eat it in the living room and talk about her work. I will listen and validate her frustrations. She may share with me a couple of more times during the afternoon and then go for a walk. At some point, I will also Go out for a walk. Most evening meals are prepared by her, 5 out of 7.
Are you both working roughly the same amount of hours in sedentary jobs? If so, what leaps out here at me (as a wife) is that the cooking is mainly on her. Is that something she's ever - ever ever ever - complained about? If so, a silent 180 might be to, without fanfare, expecting praise or excessive gratitude, make the cooking more of a 50/50 task.
Hi Allison , Yes we both work roughly the same amount of hrs (w does earn more though) .The reason I mentioned that w is cooking 5 out of 7 meals is because for most of the time before in our M I would have been doing the majority of cooking, we did have some arguments in the past about this. It now feels strange that she is actually seeking out recipes and can cook really well and has found enjoyment in it. I genuinely praise her and thank her for each meal . Though Since that post it has drifted towards 50/50. I am just trying not to look into deep to the turnaround in her behaviour.
What I was trying to bring across in that post was that on the one hand she says she wants a divorce but on the other She is being friendly , talkative, inquisitive and imaking me meals . Had me slightly confused at the time.
Ah right, I see what you mean. And yes, if she enjoys it and the housework is otherwise equal, then just leave it as it is. Perhaps her taking on more of the cooking is a way for her to feel more independent and less dependent - if you used to look after her a bit more? Who knows. It sounds like you're doing all you can right now, hard as it is.
HI Allison, Now that you mention it I did have a brief thought a while back that she was cooking more in preparation for when she would be on her own .
HI Steve , Here in the UK, The proceedings of D in my sitch looks like it would involve a 2 year physical seperation before actual D (unless people lie about period of seperation on petition or claim unreasonable behaviour where there is none ) . I don't actually know.
Part of my mind process at the time of that that post were .I have picked up round here the DB coaches seem to advise LBS to concentrate on creating a strong friendship with WAS maby not so much WW .This Would seem to tie in with the Lighthouse principal. Anyway I had also read from a board contributor (I think his name was Joe or maby it was Job) that even after he had built up a friendship with his wife doing activities together the only thing that worked was when he said "If you want to go, there is the door".
