When the schools go back I am going to spend an entire day lying in bed with the dog reading and eating cake.
Alison, is there a way you can even get a sliver of that now? My H took the kids on a hike, I felt a teeny bit guilty for staying back but then I laid on the couch and ate chips and read a novel and even just that little two hour window was amazing. Can you lock yourself in your bedroom even for an hour (maybe during work hours while your kids are engaged in schoolwork) and read and eat that cake? I feel we all need to be compassionate for ourselves, and give ourselves a break when we need it.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
That is so funny about lying in bed eating cake, I agree with may that you could do that now but maybe you need it to be a celebration of normality. This pandemic is brutal isn't it. It's a lot like a marriage crisis in that you struggle with the uncertainty, you don't know what the end is going to look like, you're bored and lonely and anxious and self care needs to be top of your list. Ah well, these marriage problems have taught us that we are not in control of anything except ourselves, and that patience and compassion are essential. Both those translate pretty well to global pandemics too! I have been thinking hard about how I want to come out of all this (pandemic and marriage) a better person. I read an interesting article the other day about Groundhog Day in the context of the pandemic and how we all think we will be ice-sculpting, French-poetry-speaking Phil and in reality we are alcohol-swilling, self-destructive, miserable Phil. But like Groundhog Day we get a fresh chance each day to choose the Phil we wish to be (or are capable of being, some days the ice-sculpting is too much). I love this analogy.
I think we're doing okay. I am trying to make some time in my life to actually enjoy the quietness, the lack of a commute, the empty streets when I walk the dog, the flexibility of choosing my own hours. A lot of this involve my letting go of anxiety and a wish to control - and that is very difficult for me. But a good life lesson.
I am getting a different perspective on things. Have spent hardly anything the last few weeks - and it makes me realising how much I have, and how little I need. Obviously the sunshine helps, and the kids being older, and I know how spectacularly lucky I am to be working from home, and paid as usual, and healthy. My job isn't 100% safe but we could survive fine on what H brings in, and his is.
So more and more I am feeling peace and happiness in the day to day. I don't often feel lack of trust or worry about H, even though I know he is probably working and seeing the OW now and again. I never think to ask - it doesn't really feel important. We still have full transparency but I guess I am just focused on myself and my own life and what I need, and I also think that if he was doing something that would hurt me, well, I would be okay.
We do still have our moments. Eldest remains difficult - at least every other day there's some skirmish or conflict about something. This is his temperament, his hormones, he's been a victim of two very different parenting styles that have only recently come into harmony - but he is also now a young man and I think perhaps it is appropriate I am holding him more responsible for his actions. I don't think he understands that unpleasant behaviour makes it hard for me to want to be around him, but obviously when he feels rejected, he's more likely to behave unpleasantly. I can tolerate that and love the heck out of a toddler in that dynamic, but perhaps a young man who is bigger than I am needs to feel more natural consequences. I don't know. But I am doing my best.
H and I are getting on well. There are moments there too - he is tired and sometimes grumpy and irritable. Nobody is getting the time alone that they need. His job is extremely stressful and sometimes traumatic at the moment. I do understand this, but sometimes I feel unappreciated anyway - and trapped too - I didn't sign up to be a SAHM and I don't want to be one! But most of the resentments and skirmishes between us are minor - it isn't like a forgotten tea-cup in the bedroom turns into a long list of all the terrible aspects of who I am as a person any more. I'd never stand for that again, but I just don't think he's in that place any more. I don't really know what changed for him, but I know what changed for me was boundaries and assertiveness.
It's strange, but I actually think H takes up less of my head and my heart than he used to. I don't mean that I am unforgiving (I think we're just about past that - or at least, today it feels like we are) or that I am withholding or cold. I just mean - I used to expect him to meet all my emotional needs. When he left, for months all I could think about was how sad I was about that, and what I should do or not do to get him back. When he came back, all I could think of was what I needed to do to get things to work, or whether it was the right thing or not, or worry that I'd thrown myself into a horrible situation and I was about to put myself and my kids through the worst of it all over again.
Now it isn't like that. I think we maintain things okay - there's not much in the way of 'date' type activities right now - we're like ships that pass in the night, but there is affection and compromise and negotiation over how we make the practicalities of everything work. I do know he's stressed and anxious because he's told me (which is a change) and he does know that I am frustrated and missing my friends (as I have told him) but we're not focusing too much on that - he can't carry me or my emotions right now, and I don't want him to. I'm not available to be his punch bag any more - and I don't think he wants that for me either. So it feels as if each of us taking care of our own emotional needs has put a bit more space between us, but it isn't a cold or lonely space. I am actually really valuing my time alone in a way that I didn't really know how to do before - and that is new.
Thank you Dilly. It doesn't feel like an accomplishment, weirdly enough. It feels more like - I don't know - not something I have TRIED to do, but a peace that comes from the results of stopping trying. I wish I could apply this more to my kids - I've been riding all over them about their school work, and even as I was doing it I was remembering saying that you have always trusted your kids just to get on with it - and they have - and realising the only thing that stops me doing that is a lack of courage.
But I have also decided I'm not doing Eldest's laundry for him any more. His room is a disgrace and he throws the clean and folded laundry on his floor along with the dirty stuff. Rather than nag him, I am just going to close the door on it and let him deal with the consequences of his laziness himself. Wish me luck on this. I told H and he laughed and said 'you'll crack before he does...' so it's a point of honour now!
so, things have been hard the last week or so. I think perhaps everyone is finding lockdown difficult, and while here in the UK there have been some small adjustments to what we can and can't do - we can drive to places away from home to exercise and meet one person outside with social distancing - it hasn't made much of a material difference in the way we're living. H still working long hours and exhausted most of the time, Youngest still playing up as she's lonely and needing more social stimulation than I can provide, my place of work still closed and in financial freefall, and Eldest still not at school and increasingly sullen, withdrawn, terrible attitude when spoken to about anything. He's been making horrible snide comments towards me and H and his sister all day today - both H and I have snapped at various points, which seems to be what he wants. Other than take his tech away (which he needs to complete school work he's now refusing to do) we're both out of ideas in setting consequences for him. He's refusing to come out on walks - we took a drive out to the coast yesterday for some fresh air and a change of scene and mood and he refused to come, then whined about being left out - refusing to eat with us (takes his meals in his room - and if I don't allow it, he doesn't eat) and isn't, as far as I can tell, in contact with any friends or wider family.
This is very very difficult for him and he is worried about his exams, his future, college prospects, missing his friends - all of that. And I've done what I can to make sure he has what he needs, some extra allowance so he can do some internet shopping for treats and entertainment, cooking nice meals, trying to include him as much as possible - special film nights, one on one time etc. But his attitude is so appalling it's awful to be around him. It's a vicious circle of course - he's unpleasant to be around, so I avoid him, so he's lonely and isolated and angry, which makes him more unpleasant. I'm the parent so it is my job to make the first move, but any suggestion or effort I make seems to trigger more hostility from him. I've spoken to his House Head at the school, who was very sympathetic, but basically said all teenagers were like this and they were all struggling. Which is probably true, but makes it no easier to bear.
I miss him, really. Miss spending enjoyable time with him. And I hate how I am feeling at the moment: he has some amazing qualities and is a creative and sensitive and funny person, but all I'm seeing is his anger and self-pity and argumentative nature right now, and I have so little bandwidth to deal with it. H and I have argued over it a couple of times - which scares both of us, I think. H is now at the point that when he cooks he is refusing to serve or lay a place for Eldest as Eldest is so rude and hostile and unpleasant he doesn't want to do anything for him. We're not starving hi - there's always food there - and I can understand how exhausted and angry and exasperated H is - I feel that way too - but his approach seems to be driving more of a wedge between them than existed previously.
If anyone has any suggestions for me, I would appreciate that. I've thought of making a GP's appointment and asking about depression - but I'm pretty sure half the population would meet the diagnostic criteria for depression at the moment. I don't think there's drugs involved (he's always here in the house, hasn't been out on his own at all since lockdown) and there might be some girl/boyfriend trouble going on but if there is, I know nothing about it and he won't say a word to me.
I’m new here, but can totally relate to what you are going through with your son. I am going through similar stuff with my tween. It’s interesting, because as I was reading DR and all the stories on this site, it made me realize that the techniques we apply to our marriage really could be used with any relationship (with adjustments).
With my tween (who is also miserable being away from friends, hates homeschooling, pestering his siblings, angry outbursts at us adults etc), I have started to:
-Validate his emotions (with an emphasis on naming his feelings, helping him identify why he is feeling the way he does etc) -Detach (lovingly, basically not taking his insults or actions personally and really trying to understand that his struggles are circumstantial due to his age and the current situation) -Set boundaries (which it sounds like you are doing a good job of!)
That sounds so difficult. I don't have any good advice but like Sage's notes above... which are all things you are quite skilled at.
I don't think it is a bad idea to talk to the GP, and maybe get him a session or two with an IC if he'll do it. I remember reading a book when my children were toddlers about how to defuse tantrums, which basically was getting down on their level and matching their emotions/tone with a validating statement. (For instance, child is freaking out about not getting X, you say, you are SO MAD you don't have X! I understand! down on your knees looking them in the face.) I know it sounds silly and I never really followed the advice, but now that my oldest is in the tween years and having some difficulties regulating emotion I've been thinking about that book and trying it a little. Basically validation but using other cues to really show you get it and are on their side, and it has really seemed to defuse the situation.
I also recall reading in one of these R books (maybe MWD, can't remember) with a vignette where the H was always complaining about his boss, and the W was always trying to be logical and help the H see the boss's side. The H would get angry and they'd fight. The next time it happened the W 180ed but went all out-- said OMG, your boss is such a jerk, how could he even think or say that? raised her voice, became totally indignant on the H's behalf. It completely defused the situation and the H ended up saying on his own it wasn't that big of a deal with the boss. He just needed to know his W was on his side.
Anyway, again without having an experience with a teenager-- what would it look like to totally and completely validate him, be 110% on his side? When he complains about something legit, really side with him, I know that is SO TERRIBLE I feel like that too, let's just leave all our work right now and go get some ice cream. Or something along those lines. I'm sure, just like all of us, he acts like a jerk, then gets embarrassed he acted like a jerk, which then causes him to withdraw more and it is just a deadly circle. Anything you can do to help him break out of it even if it means dropping the ball on homework or whatever one night.
Finally... as they say, put the oxygen mask on yourself first... be sure to try (as much as you can) to carve out the time and space you need for your own peace and sanity. You won't have any to give to your kids if you don't have it for yourself.
Hang in there! I'm glad things are going well between you and your H. He has come a long way!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
-Validate his emotions (with an emphasis on naming his feelings, helping him identify why he is feeling the way he does etc) -Detach (lovingly, basically not taking his insults or actions personally and really trying to understand that his struggles are circumstantial due to his age and the current situation) -Set boundaries (which it sounds like you are doing a good job of!)
Sage
Sage - this is such good advice. Really really good. It helps to be reminded about the basics of handling yourself in relationships, and that these basics apply to all relationships - not just my marital one. Thank you very much!
Originally Posted by May22
Anyway, again without having an experience with a teenager-- what would it look like to totally and completely validate him, be 110% on his side? When he complains about something legit, really side with him, I know that is SO TERRIBLE I feel like that too, let's just leave all our work right now and go get some ice cream. Or something along those lines. I'm sure, just like all of us, he acts like a jerk, then gets embarrassed he acted like a jerk, which then causes him to withdraw more and it is just a deadly circle. Anything you can do to help him break out of it even if it means dropping the ball on homework or whatever one night.
Thanks for this reminder May. I am going to try it. I don't think I've been very good at validating the emotion behind the hostile behaviour. I'm really really bad at dealing with other people's anger without getting upset or defensive, and Eldest does have plenty to be angry about right now. I see that when he does't feel validated he really really blows up (he feels like it is worse for him than anyone else, and when I've tried to point out that all the kids in his year are going through the same thing, he gets very angry with me - I guess as he is feeling corrected and invalidated).
It's very hard - almost impossible - to do this on any of his feelings towards his father. I privately feel that H is not very good at all at connecting with Eldest - he wants to teach or correct or improve him, but there is very little in the way of acceptance going on. H has expressed to me that he feels unappreciated and unloved by Eldest and I can validate that - Eldest is distant or sometimes hostile a lot of the time, and does rebuff many of H's attempts to spend time together. Though there have been improvements there - there really have - this is still a fragile relationship. And when Eldest is angry because he feels rejected by his father (who has a much warmer and easier relationship with Youngest) if I validate that and H catches me doing it, he gets very upset with me and angry himself. It has helped me taking myself out of the eye of the storm of their disputes - I won't be involved in peacemaking or repair work between them any more - but only a couple of days ago Eldest was talking to me about how his father didn't like being around him. I said some version of 'I can see you're really angry and hurt about that and it must be horrible,' and H overheard and was really annoyed at me about it. I can see both their points of view very well and it is a sad situation and they are both as bad (or unskilled) as each other, and I am concentrating on not making it worse, having accepted I can't repair it for them.
I have made a GP's appointment for Eldest and also spoken again to his House Head today - he's going to reach out to Eldest personally and see how he is doing this afternoon. Eldest did have some IC some time ago, but refused to go to the appointments and is refusing to see anyone else, though I will also offer that again if the time seems right.
Teens are tough to deal with. I think it's good that eldest is talking, even if it's expressing frustration and anger. Both my teens are pretty shut down right now, they chat to each other a lot and laugh together, but with me unless they are in the car (currently nowhere to go though...) they don't really talk at all. They both seem a bit depressed sometimes, which I think is kind of inevitable both when you are a teen and things are changing physically and emotionally, and when peer groups are very important but unavailable right now. It is going to be a long summer!! You seem like you're doing well staying out of the dynamic between H and eldest, keep reminding yourself that they need to work it out and that none of this (pandemic or adolescence) will last forever xx
