Limbo over, now separated but in lockdown (part 3)

[Pommy99]

. Him talking about your failings - this is where self-awareness is crucial. Is there some truth in what he's saying? Is it something you can work on? Not saying that you should accept all the blame, but accept the parts which you also can see that there could be improvement, work on it, and move forward.

. Wooba, yes there is truth in what he is saying, but I can’t see how I can work on what he is telling me, because it’s all sex-related. For example he said in our early days I would be cheeky and spontaneous and that I’m not like that any more. But we’re separated and for the last year I’ve wanted a physical relationship with him and he has rarely reciprocated -either rejecting me, or asking me not to put pressure on him. So I just wasn’t able to be that flirty spontaneous person. I don’t know how to improve in this area until such a time that he wants to R, and he put the brakes on R because of the sex thing.

I doubt that it is a "test." I think your H is just confused. I think you should just keep DBing, continue with detachment, rein in your enthusiasm when he's leaning in, hold on to your boundaries. Give it more time. have patience.

I have had a few good days of feeling indifferent and a little more detached but feel lonely and empty this morning.

I really need s9me advice about how to handle a couple of things

1. H has started IC which he initiated after saying he wanted to R, then had a major blocker re the intimacy. He wants to understand why he has this blocker and how to overcome it. My Q is, should I be caring and ask him how his IC is going, or do I just not ask any questions about his feelings or how the session went? He had a session 2 days ago and so far I haven’t asked him about it or asked how he is doing. He hasn’t mentioned it or asked me how I am either.

2. When H picks up or drops off the kids he likes to stay and talk. Yesterday I was sitting out in the garden, he asked if he could get out some chair cushions and join me. We then talk about stuff like we’re work colleagues. I hate this as it feels like we have zero connection. There is no talk about “us”, things we want to do, what needs doing on the house, what to have for dinner etc. It’s all impersonal. He then gets up and tops up the water for birds, fills the screen wash on my car. I hate this “just friends” thing. I don’t want to be his friend, I want to be his wife. We’ve been “friends” for over a year now. I don’t know whether I should tell him I don’t want these kind of interactions and ask him to wait in the car when he comes round ? Sometimes I try and make sure I am out when he comes over but I can’t always be out, nor make an excuse that I’m just about to go out as we’re in lockdown.

[may22]

On #1– don’t ask. Let it be his thing with his IC. If he wants to share with you, great— otherwise my advice is let it be. It may take a long time for progress for him too. I feel like asking is pressure.

On #2– that’s a hard one. My basic advice is don’t do anything you don’t want to. So if it feels uncomfortable and you don’t like it— end it. Pick up a book and read. Tell him you’re so sorry but you need to go start dinner/catch up on work/paint your toenails/whatever. You have no obligation to entertain him.

My kids are probably out of school till September too, though their school will do a distance learning camp. We may not go on the big summer trip after all which I haven’t had to be the one to voice the possibility of cancellation, which is interesting. Feel like it might be a long, hot summer with lots of uncertainties for all of us.

[Pommy99]

Thanks May. Really struggling to control the urge to ask him if we can talk. I feel like I need closure. This has been going on so long. I don’t want to D but right now I see no change in his willingness to recommit. He makes a few noises and then runs away because it doesn’t feel right. And then hangs on and won’t let go. I know he’s in IC but that also frightens me. I just don’t know how much longer I can handle the uncertainty

[wooba]

speaking as someone who's also struggled with the idea of "closure," I think it's important to note that closure does not have to be "have a R talk, pour your hear out, and THE END."

Sometimes closure is just you finding acceptance in "the way things are." Whether you want to close that door, or leave the door open, it's all the same. Accept your decision in the short term, and revisit it every now and then (not daily or even weekly. but take baby steps) when you feel ambivalent or if outside circumstances change.

Both #1&#2 I agree with May. If you don't want to be his friend, just gradually talk less. make yourself busy. Although I can imagine if I tell my H "sorry, I can't chat right now I gotta go paint my toenails" He'd certainly flip. LOL. maybe I'll try that next time.

[Pommy99]

I asked H if he wanted to go for a walk yesterday as there were some things I wanted to talk about. He agreed. I said I’d really like to discuss what we are trying to achieve. We are in separation but see or speak virtually daily, that he had wanted to come home 2 weeks ago but changed his mind, and now we’re back to acting as friends and it’s confusing the children, and I think we need to discuss how we take this forward. He talked about his IC, that he wasn’t getting any answers, IC had said “you sound like you know what you want”. And I asked “and what is that?” And he went on to say he wanted passion, someone who was confident and fun. (This means in the bedroom. This means someone else.) I asked why he felt that we could never achieve that. He talked about needing to feel the feelings before considering Reconciliation and he doesn’t feel that way about me.

We talked about other things for a bit - I mentioned that I was about to book a holiday cottage in July but was a little apprehensive in case the Coved restrictions were extended. He said “what - just you and the girls” and I said yes. He was a little taken aback. It might be the first time he’s realised that family holidays will not include him.

We also then got on to what I want, and I explained that I wanted a husband who acted like a H, and that for the last 15 months he hadn’t acted like one. I said I was tired of this limbo, that all of last year he had enjoyed his weekly trips to the city whilst I was at home wondering what my “husband” was up to. I said it makes me feel sick when I look at you and think you’re my husband yet we have nothing akin to a marriage and haven’t for a long time. We then got onto the subject of meeting other people and I told him I had been chatting to a couple of guys online since he’d moved out, and whilst I wasn’t ready for a new R it was nice to know that there were people who made me feel appreciated, told me I was attractive and funny, and had the same interests as me. He was visibly shocked that I had been talking to guys online, and probed for a lot of details - had I spoken on the phone, how old, did they have kids, were they local, was I still in touch. I said I hadn’t spoken to them in a couple of weeks. And I hoped he wondered if I was lying or telling the truth, just like all the times he had made me wonder the same.

And he went on to say that right now he was frightened about making a wrong move. I thought he was going to say about reconciliation, but he actually meant about going it alone, in case he realised he’d made a mistake and that what he was searching for wasn’t really what he wanted, and he’d lost everything. And I just felt sorry, sorry that I’d let him treat me the way he had for the last year, sorry that even now he’s still very much looking away from the M, and that the only reason he’s clinging on is fear. Sorry that he told D16 this week that he really wanted to make it work, when clearly he doesn’t.

I think I gave him some food for thought. Because up until now it’s been all about him, and what he wants, that I don’t want to break up. And that I’ll wait forever. And I think I left feeling in control. Because I won’t wait forever, and I will plan life, holidays etc without him. I decided overnight that I might file for D in September. Sept will be 18 months since I overheard him on the phone to OW and I got the ILYB. Sept is when the kids go back to school.

His parting comment when I left was how good I had looked in my black skirt last week, and how great my legs are. And in my mind I just thought how much I disliked my H and that he didn’t deserve that title.

[may22]

Hey Pommy,

Hope you are holding up OK. I know those kind of R talks are tough, even when you feel strong in the moment and walking away. Stay tough. You deserve far more than this half-a$$ed excuse of a psuedo-H who is--whether it is purposeful or not-- just dumping breadcrumbs for you (how great your legs are) while at the same time telling you he wants something else and is scared he won't find it. His head is very, very far up his a$$ right now and I kind of feel sorry for him, a little, but more want to punch him in the nose for treating you and his children like this.

Here's my advice-- DROP THE ROPE. Fake it till you make it. Stop engaging with him, stop letting him stop by and fill up the birdseed. Fill it up yourself every morning. (I have this satisfying vision of him opening the bird feeder and realizing it is already full and he simply isn't needed anymore.) Don't answer his calls or texts unless you need to. Stay friendly and bright and distracted by all the more fun interesting things you have in your life than coddling a sorry, confused loser. I bet you did give him some food for thought-- now let it bake. Do NOT peek in the oven. Go on with your confident, fun life without him. I would bet he'll flip out and come back again... don't let him until he's really ready.

The IC... I had a flashback to the time I went to see my H's IC with him, right after he told me about the PA and how long it had been going on. I liked her, generally, but one thing I was just remembering was that she probably said to him three separate times during the course of the visit "it sounds like you know what you want." And I know, know, know she was prompting him to say he wanted out. And my H wouldn't/couldn't do it, just kept saying he didn't know what he wanted. I asked him about it later, and he said really didn't know what he wanted at that point... but I do think that ICs both only hear one side of the story, and then are focused on helping their patient be "happy" without worrying about the collateral damage so much. I guess I just wouldn't count on the IC helping him to figure out his issue with feeling passionate about you anytime soon.

Hang in there.

[Pommy99]

Sometimes closure is just you finding acceptance in "the way things are." Whether you want to close that door, or leave the door open, it's all the same. Accept your decision in the short term, and revisit it every now and then

. This makes a lot of sense. I dont think I went looking for a definitive answer to "are you in or out", but I wanted to put some closure to this current state of limbo, and I think showing him I have a voice has put some form of closure - or at least a change of dyanmic - to the situation.

You deserve far more than this half-a$$ed excuse of a psuedo-H who is--whether it is purposeful or not-- just dumping breadcrumbs for you (how great your legs are) while at the same time telling you he wants something else and is scared he won't find it. His head is very, very far up his a$$ right now and I kind of feel sorry for him, a little, but more want to punch him in the nose for treating you and his children like this.

LOL May, i love that description - he is a poor excuse for a H, and yes his head is firmly where the sun don't shine! I think when I said to him that it makes me feel sick that your'e my H but you're not a H, it made him reel a little. He looked a little shocked (again). My BFF says he thinks he's god's gift to women and that he thinks I idolise him - and for the first time I've really called him out on the fact he hasnt acted like a H or any person I want in my life.

Re the IC, I know that this partcular person (male) does not do MC, so I am wondering how 'pro-marriage' he will be, or how experienced in dealing with marital issues, or helping H understand that there *may* be an alternative to leaving. H doesnt really see the cost of IC as an investment in himself so I would be surprised if he sticks it out for long.

[LH19]

LOL May, i love that description - he is a poor excuse for a H, and yes his head is firmly where the sun don't shine! I think when I said to him that it makes me feel sick that your'e my H but you're not a H, it made him reel a little.

P,

I wonder what you were trying to accomplish when you said this to him?

[Pommy99]

LOL May, i love that description - he is a poor excuse for a H, and yes his head is firmly where the sun don't shine! I think when I said to him that it makes me feel sick that your'e my H but you're not a H, it made him reel a little.

P,

I wonder what you were trying to accomplish when you said this to him?

I dont know LH. Why do you ask? It was mid-conversation - we were talking about what I want, about how I wanted a H and was describing how I feel when I look at him and know that although he's my husband he's not a H anymore. And he looked shocked and a little hurt. But that's me just second guessing. Although he played that back to me afterwards from his PoV - "you're my wife, but you're not my wife anymore" - and I guess that hurt me too. We're only married on paper, it feels.

[Sage4]

Hi Pommy,

I am new here, but have been following your situation and have so much empathy for what you are going through. We have very similar timelines with our separations, and even had brief reconciliations on the same day(s).

The rollercoaster is so real and I am so mad at myself for allowing myself to feel a little bit of hope for those moments. Only to be dashed again and back at square one. Navigating his confusion, while also trying to deal with my own confusion on our M.

I am finding that with each blow (momentary recon, discovery that the old EA is back again), I am bouncing back quicker each time. I am definitely not as detached as I would like to be, not by a long shot, but I am making baby steps.

For me this week, I am proud of how fiercely I protected, loved and mothered my children. I have felt partially absent (as a mother) as I navigated my own emotional holes, but this week I did a good job as a mother. I have found that not seeing him every day has been good for me... I get my balance back for at least a moment and the clarity allows me to really think about whether or not I really want him back. Seeing him every day was too hard to get that clarity.

Sage