And then it was over.

[SteveLW]

Steve -
Thank you. Your words are spot on - I am deep in fear. I agree. I am just getting into an Olympic sized pool of pain and i know I have to swim it - but right now I just don't want to. I have no words any more, I just want to fold up and give up. I am sorry for the 'poor me' routine. I am going to let myself have today to cry and shake off the last remnants of denial that this is even happening. Know that I am reading the thread, I am listening. I am letting it lay on my brain, it will sink in.

Misty, I like your analogy of the pool of pain! So good. Because you have too choices. Swim through it and come out better on the other end. Or give up and drown.

I am not sure if you are religious at all but have you ever read the book of Job in the Bible? Job went through incredible loss and pain. And he had people around him telling to curse God and die. But Job persevered, even when there were times when he did feel like giving up. And he came out the other end bigger and better for it! Sometimes we get to a place in life where we have quit growing and improving. And then something comes along to force us to do that. I think you are there now. Swim or sink. I think you will feel better about yourself and have no regrets if you commit to swimming!

[AnotherStander]

AnotherStander - He wont hurt me. And if he did, at least it would be over.

Misty, are you saying you would prefer death over what you're going through? I know it's miserable, I've been there! But please please please understand that your life is VALUABLE, you are important to others, despite this mess you're going through your life DOES mean something. The hurt is absolutely horrible right now I know, but someday it will all seem like a bad dream.

Suicide is like a bad word in our society, but we should be able to talk about it openly and frankly. 2 or 3 months after BD I thought I was handling things pretty well and "recovered" when I was suddenly slammed with severe depression and anxiety without warning. My XW had been through depression before and said she felt like her insides were just a black hole, and man did I ever understand what she meant when I was going through it myself. I didn't feel pain or anger or happiness or anything, I just felt dead inside. And at that time I really thought that the best thing for my XW, myself and my kids was for me to be gone. I felt like everything was my fault, and with all the insurance I had on me they would be better off without me. THAT is the depression talking! I did what everyone should do in that situation- I went straight to my doctor and explained what I was going through. She evaluated me through an interview and some checklists, determined I was in situational depression and started me on a scrip for anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I really do think that saved my life. A couple of weeks later I felt much better, and a month later felt like my normal, pre-BD self. After a few months I weaned off with the help of the doc and I've never gone through depression since (about 8 years now).

If you or anyone else reading this are suicidal then please do not hesitate to seek medical assistance.

[Oceangl]

I hear you...If I say this "I was too busy. From now on you are going to have to make your own food"... he will not appreciate that and will consider that very confrontational. If what I say does not please him, or irritates him in the least, he makes a point to get in my face and remind me that he is on razor edge of walking out that door. He knows that terrifies me. I don't know what to do to get over that. I am afraid to not make him dinner. Clearly, I have work to do on myself.

This is called manipulation. He does it because it works. He makes you feel bad and you cave and try to please him. And he will tell you that if he does leave it's your fault. Does this sound like a nice man? A good man? Someone you want to be with?

I don't know if its due to all the testosterone shots he is taking - or is this is an MLC thing? He very much enjoys hurting me. He will say cruel things and will openly smile when I breakdown and cry. When I see his possessed face, I get afraid, because I know what is coming, if its on, he will not relent. He is only satisfied once I am shaking / weeping and apologizing and telling him I will do better in the future. [b]Is this normal for a WAS/MLC??? He was never like this before, does MLC do this to a man?

Take away his power. He enjoys hurting you and he can because right now it is all about him. The whole house revolves around him.

It's time to empower yourself. Study detachment and validation skills in the links. Right now you are operating out of pain and fear. It's normal and understandable. You didn't deserve this. But fear and pain are not our friends and will run our lives and betray us.

Yes, you left your phone in his car. it was't a good idea and i dont think you'll do it again. but how dare he judge you? He has lied and cheated. He isn't kind. He isn't forgiving but expects this of you. Open your eyes and see how he is treating you like a puppet and pulling his strings. It's time to develop your 180s and focusing on you.

[BlueSea]

If you think it's more likely MLC, I suggest that you take some time and visit the MLC forum. The MLC forum has a lot of valuable information that may prove useful to you as you walk this path.

Job- I read a post you did years ago, about WAS vs MLC -- he seems more angry, so maybe more WAS. Honestly (and this is like having to pick between Ebola or Cancer) I would prefer he NOT be MLC - that sounds like a long hard path. And his childhood was apparently wonder whitebread, so hopefully not MLC.

I am not sure if you are religious at all ....

Steve - I would say yes, on the spiritual side for sure. And just started to dig deep into Scripture since I was seriously going off the rails yesterday. It has proven so helpful for me. I came across a realization. Every morning on the way to work, I would pray, to be a better wife, mother and daughter. And you should always be careful of what you pray for because I think He answered that prayer and using the actions of my husband to bring about needed changes in me, as a person. He is doing some serious pruning on me. "...will the clay say to the potter, 'What are you doing?" No, I will accept and I have found some comfort in this - and even though you all have said that I will come out a better person - I finally was ready to hear that and fully understand. I will not question Him.

He wont hurt me. And if he did, at least it would be over.

AnotherStander - no, sorry about that, I was in a very low space yesterday. I apologize and appreciate that you would take the time to notice and call me out on that. (where is the embarrassed emoji?!)

Oceangl - Yes, he is definitely in the one-up position. Though I think he has always thought I was the one-up for the past x years and he is now swinging hard, pendulum-ing as far to the other side as he can, to prove that he is not and will not tolerate being the one-down. I understand. Too much me is wrong, and too much him is wrong. I pray for balance to be found. This would never work long term - but I understand where he is coming from.

I will share that I am reading this 'How God can and will restore your marriage', its for women - and it has brought me much comfort thru Scripture. Not sure if I am allowed to post that. But this is where I am - shedding the 'poor me' attitude and embracing that this is my path - witnessed by all of you. To those that have replied and the moderators, you dont know that you rescue people with your words - like an ER of sorts. I feel like I have been triaged and chance for survival is high, though I felt pretty DOA not too long ago.

Good news for today (for me). He put his ring back on. (I know detach).

[Oceangl]

Just remember God doesn't sanction manipulation or emotional or verbal abuse.

Just as another thought: You can't compete with an affair or affair memory. Affairs are exciting and secretive. The partner can do no wrong. They have no laundry, kids, clogged toilets, trash to be taken out, homework to deal with -- in other words, it's all shiny and fake. It's not sustainable, either.

Marriages can be good, and fun, and have adventure, and love. But they can't be an affair. Affairs have no commitment. They are not built on your best self, or honor, or integrity. Not kindness, or encouragement. They don't go through hard times together.

For a long time I compared myself and felt like a failure. I don't want anyone else to waste time in that place.

[BlueSea]

So far....

I have let go of the affair - there is nothing I can do to stop it and it will have to come from him to do so. I am letting go of having to know anything - whether it be through snooping or asking directly. I will not ask about his feelings or about the relationship.

I see he is not wearing his ring today, he knows that I asked before for him to (mistakenly) - but whether he is actively baiting me or not - it is what it is.

What I can do, is while he is here, continue to show thru my actions that I have changed and am continuing to work on myself. I will not ask him what are his plans.

I am in a unique opportunity to be in quarantine with my kids, and before they usually were busy all the time with school and sports, and now I have them all to myself and have been enjoying hanging with them. I cook dinner for them while I listen to their talking to each other (and me). And while they eat, I clean up. If it works out that I can alter the meal or fix something partial for H as he is vegetarian, I do. We (kids and I) take rides together in the evening to pass the time.

I know last night H seemed like he was going to step out: he came to my room to say good night and ask if he could shut the door. And when I went for some water in the kitchen, he asked if I was turning in yet. Sigh. I climbed into bed later than I usually do (because of the anxiety). And when I heard noises (front door? garage door?) that sent me to to anxiety land, I turned to prayer until exhausted and out. I am human after all and this is all still very hard to go thru!

I did pick up Trazodone to help me sleep (and stay asleep). Will see, I am not a big fan of medicines.

[SteveLW]

If it works out that I can alter the meal or fix something partial for H as he is vegetarian, I do.

This is the only advice I can give. Stop doing this.

Otherwise, very well done!

[Spiral]

Misty,

I'm not sure that I can offer much advice since we're both only a couple of months into this. But I can tell you that separation really isn't as difficult as you think it will be. In fact, it seems a lot easier than what you're going through and it can be very peaceful. The main source of your pain is his affair and his attitude to the marriage. Whether you are separated doesn't really change much.

I know that you're afraid that your husband will run off to the OW if he leaves and never come back. I know that you're also afraid that they'll start bonding more than they would if your husband is with you. But I'm not sure that separation actually increases those odds. In fact, it might even decrease them because your husband might start to miss you and the kids.

Also you do get used to being alone and you even get used to knowing that your spouse is with the OM/OW all the time. And after you get used to it, it doesn't hurt as much and there are less of those little indignities you're facing.


Spiral

[SteveLW]

Ms I wanted to move this discussion to your thread:

Focus on you. Keep GAL (being busy). Keep working on 180s (self improvement). And keep working on detachment. Get to a place where his actions and words have no impact on you.

Thanks for the advice, I wasn't sure if DB meant I should kick him out due to the active PA.

So.... this continues until what? I have no clue...wait... until he leaves, right? this just socks.

MS, kicking him out, if it is something you can do (in most places it isn't legal to kick out a spouse, but you can ask that they leave). One of the biggest things we advocate here is to boot the cheating spouse out of the MBR. If I remember in your sitch he is already sleeping in another room.

But yes, I don't think there is anything wrong with telling him that due to his behavior that he is no longer welcome there.

MS, I know it sounds scary at first, but one of the best things I did in my sitch was to contact a lawyer and get a free consultation. It was empowering. It made the D process less scary (the unknown is scary). And when my W found out about it she realized just how serious I was becoming about moving on. Don't do it for that last reason. In fact, don't even tell him you did it. That should be a side-effect, not the goal.

Unfortunately, these things are rarely over quickly. We moved to Ring in about 4 months. But that was unusually fast and there were a lot of unique circumstances that got us there. Most of these things take over a year, and many go on for many years. Unfortunately, WASs are not as motivated to do the legal processes and paperwork as they are at As and acting as if they are already single. Often times the filing of the actual D falls to the LBS who eventually realizes that there is no other alternatives and they've waited for their WAS long enough.

[BlueSea]

I'm not sure that I can offer much advice since we're both only a couple of months into this. But I can tell you that separation really isn't as difficult as you think it will be. In fact, it seems a lot easier than what you're going through and it can be very peaceful. The main source of your pain is his affair and his attitude to the marriage. Whether you are separated doesn't really change much.

I know that you're afraid that your husband will run off to the OW if he leaves and never come back. I know that you're also afraid that they'll start bonding more than they would if your husband is with you. But I'm not sure that separation actually increases those odds. In fact, it might even decrease them because your husband might start to miss you and the kids.

Also you do get used to being alone and you even get used to knowing that your spouse is with the OM/OW all the time. And after you get used to it, it doesn't hurt as much and there are less of those little indignities you're facing.

Spiral - This is really helpful - I have to say I am pretty impressed that you can read my post and be so spot-on on where I am at - I am full of fear on every point you mentioned. I plan on printing out your response and reading it often in the hopes that the logic in your post will slice through all my thinking that is so fear/emotional based.

you even get used to knowing that your spouse is with the OM/OW all the time

That is just awful! I can't believe one could get used to that. I can feel the cells in my body just start to breakdown when I read that. But I know that would be what happens - he would be with the OW. I am slowly trying to immerse myself in that thought instead of fighting it.

Thank you Spiral - best to you in your situation - thanks for the advice