I talked to a girlfriend about this and she says it's because he is realising that the weird arrangement we've had going for the last two years (where he got to have his family, his home and his single life) just won't work where there is a third party involved. The limbo/equilibrium is broken and it is making him uncomfortable. Plus, my apparent 'ok'ness with it all probably doesn't help. But honestly, I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to be.
I think your girlfriend is right. He was probably, in some way, in denial about the state of your marriage, what it would be like to have it end, what he has now that he quite likes if you were to formalise your arrangement. And how he's been honest with you about his relationship, and you have reacted as an ex-wife would, with dignity and disinterest - well, the reality of how things are is hitting home. I don't think you can or should be anything other than what you are right now.
Hey Alison - Thanks for dropping by and thank you for checking in whilst I was missing in action. Yes - it's hitting home. I can see the stress in his eyes. He has lost weight and is definitively less chirpy.
They have just left (he brings the kids around in the afternoon when he has them for an hour). He walks our dog then sits on the stairs. I asked him as he was leaving what time he is dropping the kids home tomorrow as it hadn't been confirmed yet. He got all antsy and said after they finish their work, I replied, so, around 4 then. He repeated "when they've finished work. If you're not here, then I'll just stay until you're back". I asked him to message me out of courtesy when he was on his way tomorrow, and he went completely off the rails, said he didn't need to message me and stormed off.
I was fairly calm, smiled, told the girls (well D10, D13 had already gotten in the car) and then stewed for a bit. I then sent him a message saying "For the same reasons you do not want me turning up at your home unannounced, I do not want you turning up at mine unannounced. I am respectful of your choices. Please be respectful of mine".
He sent me back one saying "It's not 'your' house. So even though I am tolerant of the fact I have to have them back by a certain time, if we arrive early I will mind them until you get back". I just sent back a "you're being ridiculous and what does 'tolerant' of the fact you have to bring them back by a certain time mean".
Not very db. Not very calm and collected. But he is being utterly ridiculous.
He sounds like a teenager. Annoyed at the world not being to their liking, and taking it out on the nearest person. I guess the only thing you can do it what you'd do with an unreasonable teenager - live your boundaries calmly, don't take it personally, don't get hooked into a debate over something you have no intention of negotiating about, and scream into a pillow and swear about them with your girlfriends once they are out of earshot...
You make me laugh Alison ... Yes, very like a teenager. On some level the turning up is about him wanting to know im but bringinf men back to the house and other part abour him showing he is still in control. Ill carry on regardless and keep calling him out when he is being disrespectful.
Im contemplating moving forward with preparing the house for sale. I dont want to do this and have actually been procrastinating about it the last few days. I love this house and it will devastate D13.. I hate him for making me do this.
It has been a week since my H told me he wanted to tell the girls about the person he is seeing. He had them for most of last week and so far, the children have not said anything to me. I suspect he hasn't told them.
I don't know if it makes much difference. I am not going to broach it with the children (unless he mentions it first) but am a little on tender hooks waiting for them to mention something. I would be interested in hearing thoughts as to reasons he might have decided against it.
I think you all know my H well enough to know that he was comfortable with the way things were (he had his flat, could be single and out and about when he wanted, he could have his kids when he wanted, and here I am paying for this big old house that he doesn't want me to sell) ...
I suspect (personally) it was two fold - he was lashing out at me for turning to his mum instead of him when I needed counsel on D13 and he was getting pressure from the OW to bring her out of the shadows.
Does it matter why he has or hasn't told the kids? I don't think it does. My H is also very teenlike in his behaviour. More so even than my teens. We share a kindle account and lately he has been downloading nothing but Frederick Forsyth books! It's pretty funny really. What next, he takes up skateboarding? I treat my teens with compassion and love and a huge, huge dose of putting up with poor communication, surliness and slobbing about a lot. I'm trying to cultivate the same with H. My teens will grow up though, not so sure about H...
I don't think it matters either, FS. I suspect he probably was playing a game, but he will either tell the girls, or he won't - and in the event that he does tell them, I am sure whatever his motivations or timing, your response to it would be the same. I get that waiting for the axe to drop is a tense feeling, and it isn't fair he's mucking you about, but it seems you're prepared to have a compassionate conversation with your girls whenever they need it, and when they do they will let you know.
I have stopped worrying about it. He will tell them when he tells them (and I don't think he will now tbh).
Strangely, after a week of being a miserable sod, he was super friendly yesterday - trying to make eye contact (I was the one looking away), trying to engage me in small non-children related small talk. He nearly walked into me at one point (I had to keep stepping backwards to avoid him). He even wanted to show me a video he took of fish he and the girls had seen whilst walking. He said very loudly "D10, come and look at this video" and then "show mummy" (she had started walking away by then and I was in another room so he came over, stood next to me (this never happens) and started to show me the video. I said "Oh, that's nice" and walked away.
This is by far the most engaged his been since he left. I am not reading into it - just a juxtaposition from the interactions from the last two weeks.
Reading about these interactions-- the good ones, the bad ones, the neutral ones-- is part of what makes the idea of S so hard for me. It is impossible to not wonder, at some level, what is going on in his head and what it all means. Sharing children means they have to be a part of your life forever. UGH.
Sorry if that was unhelpful.
If I was going to mindread, I also think your friend was correct, and he's probably bashing around a bit in his head-- the reality of the S/D, the new GF, telling the children or not, "his" house, his relationship with you. He sees that the comfortable limbo he's enjoyed is ending and that is hard. I might expect more of both ends of the spectrum from him for awhile.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Yeah - the moods continue. Right now I am trying to focus on me and less on him (his moods, his motivations etc). I understand him well enough to know that his moods are based on guilt (when he tries to be nice) or on trying to impose some punitive measure (when he doesn't get what he wants). I try not to worry about it now.
I had a great day yesterday. The girls and I went to visit a friend whose daughter is close to D13. We sat in the garden and there were a few children there. It was lovely to see D13 laughing and engaged. She even spoke to me a few times (not conversation but not rude either). H was supposed to come over at some point (it was father's day) and I messaged him in the morning to wish him a happy fathers day and to find out if/when he was going to visit the girls. I also thanked him for tidying up the garden the previous day. I got a thanks back and confirmation that he would be visiting the girls but not the time. This is a constant issue with us. He refuses to say what time he is visiting. I didn't react, but simply said (later in the day) a simple "We are going out at 3:30, happy to move around as I know girls would like to see you".
I know you can't nice them back. That is not what this is about. This (for me) is about maintaining a calm consistent demeanor in the face of his chaos. I cannot change things. If neither kindness or anger works, then I would like to (try) choose kindness.
