I'm curious-- why did you leave such a big thing out when posting here? I'm glad you finally feel open to sharing about it and I hope it helps to know that there are so many of us on here that are dealing with As too. Were you worried about what people would say?
It makes sense, fits with his behavior in the fall, also why it might have been harder for him to come back (scared of what he'd done, how you'd take it). Glad that you guys are working through it though-- that's great.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I'm curious-- why did you leave such a big thing out when posting here? I'm glad you finally feel open to sharing about it and I hope it helps to know that there are so many of us on here that are dealing with As too. Were you worried about what people would say?
It makes sense, fits with his behavior in the fall, also why it might have been harder for him to come back (scared of what he'd done, how you'd take it). Glad that you guys are working through it though-- that's great.
I thought a lot about why I left it out before the new update (and was ruminating on it for weeks, but am still working during this time and also working a side job, in addition to IC/MC, and writing my journal). I think there are 2 things at play:
1. I was so, so, so tired of defending my H to my friends and even my IC, and ultimately saw this as a place where I'd have to defend him again. I'd say this is 80%. Tired of defending my decision to stay when he had left, tired of defending waiting for him. See more below. My friends do not know about the dating while separated, but I was still having to back him up/defend his choice about coming back, that it felt like a huge emotional wall to climb, especially to strangers on the internet, even though I do not think I'd need to defend his actions here. I do sometimes see people be challenged and know it's for their own good, and wasn't sure if I could handle it. However, if anyone understands, it's the people on these boards, and everyone is supportive of each other.
2. I had agreed with him that I would not disclose this to anyone except our ICs and MCs. This was my choice, not something that he asked me to do. If I am preaching honesty, I felt not great about not honoring that. Since then, we have had a lot of talks about productive outlets/friends of the marriage and where to get support, so feel OK here.
I felt like I was constantly having to explain/describe H's behavior about leaving IRL and then also having to explain him coming back, and honestly was just incredibly overwhelmed by this. I don't think I was worried about what people here would say. I was/am embarrassed about how I found out, also. I wasn't in denial about what happened - and felt immersed in it a lot, but also compounded by dealing with him leaving, what he did when he left, and what lead up to him leaving. I was spending so much emotional energy talking to him about it ad nauseum that it was just easier to leave out here? That is maybe 5% of why I didn't?
(Also to clarify - I dont think poorly of anyone who chooses to work through an A either IRL or on here - I dont want to accidentally imply that by saying that I was embarrassed. It takes a lot of strength and courage to do that.)
I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. We all have our issues to work through. Where you may not have felt open enough to put that out there until now....
I feel comfortable enough to put every thought and feeling... upswing/downswing in my journey. I don't really filter. I get called out for it a lot.... ALOT.... and I know everyone just has my best interest at heart.
I'm grateful I have a place to pour it all out so that I'm not making bad OR as bad decisions in real life play.
HUGS.... I'm glad you are finding a way to work through it. I used to feel that a PA was a deal breaker for me but I'm learning a lot about myself and learning how my actions left my H feeling neglected for so long. I'm struggling and my progress isn't linear but is progress none the less.
I totally get it, and I don't want you to have the impression that you owe this board anything! You can share what you want and not share what you don't want and all that is fine. I also understand about not wanting to feel like you need to defend your decisions. There have been times I felt that way on the boards too.
I would say, though, that this community is just so different from friends IRL who may have no idea about how it really feels to be in a sitch like this. I know before I was all of a sudden an LBS, I was both positive I'd have kicked my H to the curb in a hot second for even a whiff of an A and would have totally counseled my friends the same and been aghast if they didn't. To me, one of the benefits of this community is that everyone knows what you're going through, has been there before, and even when the 2x4s come they come with good intentions and the feeling of having walked in your shoes before behind them. Also, for me it has been good to have a variety of opinions and not all cheerleaders commenting on my situation.
Anyway, I think it is great for you to have shared that because I do think it will help others. And, in your own situation, I know I tend to be one who falls on the positive interpretation side more often than not, but I would just say that going through such a huge thing as you've both gone through can absolutely be a catalyst for real, lasting change. It probably feels genuine because it is genuine. Not to say that things probably won't be rough for awhile but it sounds like you guys are on the right path.
If you have time, I just posted on my own thread-- my H told me last night he is (finally) open to having convos about the A and now I'm nervous. Any advice for how to talk through it?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
KC & May - thank you. May, I actually had read your update right after finishing this, and felt better about typing this up, because I definitely do have some stuff to say (IDK if it is helpful enough to be called advice). I definitely agree w/ your assessment of how helpful it can be to have a variety of opinions, esp from people who have been through similar situations. I thought I would have updated this sooner due to needing more support, frankly, but I have been able to grow with H and through IC and MC and working on my own stuff still. "Forced" constant quality time has also greatly helped.
I remember a long time ago having a convo w H about how I don't think cheating is the most devastating betrayal - I think lying is. And that yeah, lying is involved, but it just depends on the situation/details. I don't think he actually remembers this convo, though. I do take some comfort in knowing that he is committed, and that he wasn't really actively committed to our marriage at the time that this was going on - and that he still missed me, loved me, etc. And honestly, I think he realized how much he missed me in part due to what he did while we were separated. And I've been married before, and been through something similar that he was going through, but I knew I was done by that time, and had kicked my XH out. I've worked with my IC to see the growth and strength that can come from us working through this, effectively.
The lying is what I have had the hardest times with. There's definitely been some trickle truth that was in the beginning, but is out now, and something he explored in IC as to why he felt that way. We are both still learning to get through this and also making lasting changes, and so far it is encouraging, even though I am still working through my hurt. It's been almost 3 months since I have known, and we have both come a long way. Honestly, had I not seen him break through this whole victim mentality on his own, IDK if I would have stayed?
KC I def agree that progress isn't always linear. H and I had a disagreement this morning, and have had them along the way, but we are realizing what's happening in the moment and able to correct and then productively talk about what happened and strategize on how to communicate better going forward.
It's been refreshing to see him really take time and think about his actions, his motivations, and tell me them in ways that aren't dismissive of my feelings, or obscuring how he felt at the time, or making excuses. My H is significantly younger than I am - and I have always believed that generally people can make great strides in growing up before they hit 30, and if they haven't by 30, they probably won't LOL. So I am glad to see he is in that late 20s stretch of making painful mistakes but growing from them instead of baking them into their personality.
Hey Sam, just commenting to say that I completely understand why you decided to hold that in. I've had lots of times during this entire rollercoaster that I haven't felt like expressing certain things to certain people at certain times, often because of the sheer, I don't know, volume of everything. Going through this experience is crushing, and you have every right to process things through with different groups of people at different paces. That said, I'm glad you put it out there when you were ready. I think it's helpful for you, and selfishly its helpful for those of us (myself included) who read other people's situations for thoughts, comfort, etc., especially when they seem -- for lack of a better phrase -- "further along" in things. I'm glad you and your H are still working through things, too.
I'm 40, H is 36. No kids. No infidelity of which I'm aware. Mini BD January 2020 -- not sure if he wants to try anymore BD March 2020 -- separation
Thanks, Beth. Part of the reason I did want to add in what happened was I know your situation is close-ish to mine, to be honest. I am sure you've thought about that as a possibility. I know I was suspicious sometimes stemming from insecurity during the time, but not suspicious due to his behavior. He was a huge mess! And yes, the volume of things. So many things to recap that it gets overwhelming. H and I only talk about the As to our ICs and MC, but the talks we have had together about it alone are exhausting, let alone recounting stuff to anyone else.
It's been A LOT to work through, and fortunately we had done a lot of work on the "what went wrong to cause H to leave" piece already. I feel we have worked through the As more now and are back on that previous issue, in a repairing way. I am not feeling constantly 'triggered' by stuff, and have felt more even keeled. I think just time and having asked what I needed to ask and had 10000 discussions about stuff. H is still set to deploy in a month, and I feel much more solid about things. He has had a lot of eye-opening moments on his own with regards to why he did stuff and how to proactively NOT do that again. He has set boundaries with people that he needed to, and thought deeper on some less obvious friendships that may need boundaries also. One of the girls he took on a date actually called him about a month ago, and we were both at home. He didn't walk out of the room to take the call, and I could hear her. She was "worried" about him being back home because he had seemed "so sure" that he was done with me and that I was abusive etc. He handled it awesome - he was nice to her, but defended his decision and reassured her of his safety, and then she kept repeating over and over that she is there for him if he needs someone, and he said that those kind of conversations are inappropriate and that he made a lot of mistakes while we were separated, but is fully committed to working on our marriage. He didn't say any of this in a show-boaty type way - I could tell he did not want to take this call in front of me, at all. He ended up having to say that over and over, and she was being super weird, so he had to finally hang up on her.
I've also had trouble discussing it because of how just distrusting I am of people in general, and I know how objectively what I am saying can look to outsiders, and it can be difficult to convey nuance, tone, and overall demeanor to strangers on the internet. I am not in denial or fooling myself. There were days where I was not sure if I wanted to stand for our marriage anymore due to feeling so hurt. I am glad those days are behind me. I am glad that H isn't spiraling into self-hatred over what he did - he has grown a lot.
I had my first appointment with a new IC this week, and I really liked her. H and I are going away tomorrow night for a little romantic stay close to here, and are really looking forward to it. He has been out the past 2 days with some of our guy friends doing a hobby construction project together, so I am glad to see him spending time with our friend group (that he inherited from me). They are all also married and it's good for him to have that comraderie.
things are still going well. Our getaway was nice. We have had some arguments over the past week, but nothing large. H wanted to have a little commitment ceremony together in our back yard just us. He wanted us to burn his journal together, and both write down things we wanted to leave behind. I was impressed that he initiated this and followed through. The things he wrote about leaving behind were deep and thoughtful, and meant a lot to hear.
He also has said a lot of things about his behavior during S that I've been so glad to hear - about how he was running away, not listening to anyone, demanding things, etc. It's been a refreshing self awareness to hear. Especially without it being in the context of a shame spiral - just actual reflection and learning.
I still get sad thinking about some stuff, but feel in a solid place overall and that he is all in, open, and expressing and utilizing his tool kit to talk to me about stuff when it is upsetting. I've definitely put in a lot of practice on active listening, being more vocal when I appreciate something or feel supported, coming to him for support when I am sad, being more level headed in heated discussions, making more of an effort to show him things are OK and that I love him. I feel a lot more stable/solid and like a team - not prioritizing my personal independence over all things, which definitely negatively affected our marriage in the past.
Hi - quick journaling, even though there isn't much to really update. I think reading all of the piecing threads that have been reposted has been helpful for me to fully understand where we are at and be completely and utterly thankful that H has consistently put in the time and effort during this time both into our marriage and also himself. Sometimes I get very stuck in my head about stuff in the past, and don't want to be overlooking what the current circumstance is. The current circumstance of M2.0 has been awesome, even when I am sad about past stuff.
He has been deployed now for 3 weeks, but we are able to talk a whole lot, which has been nice. We had a lot of quality time before he left, and continued to do MC together and then IC individually. Our MC is fantastic, and I really like my new IC. There were some bouts before H left of some anxious attachment type responses - if I am upset or hurt, he gets scared that he is going to lose me (on his own, that is - I don't remotely threaten to leave or anything like that). He is currently working through this with his IC, as I've made it clear that seeing a huge shift in him having stopped that behavior before was one of the reasons I really wanted to work things out. What's great is I now know he is capable of that, over a stressful topic for an extended period of time. We have talked a lot about this.
We have talked a lot about everything in general. It's nice having him back. He has done all that he can do to make me feel as reassured and secure as possible. I sometimes am frustrated with myself, but know that some of this stuff just takes time to get distance away from. I've not remotely been worried that something will happen with someone else while he is gone. While I don't condone what he did, I understand where he was at, and he wasn't living a double life while being committed to me or anything like that. We did go through expectations and boundaries w/ others, which was important to do for when he is gone but also just overall. I've done better about taking time to examine how I feel before having some emotional long talk with him and ensuring that I am not getting carried away with some emotional tangent. There are definitely times where I feel resentful - I either work through those times alone, or sometimes talk to him about it and he has been very supportive and understanding. Ultimately, I feel more secure and connected to him then I did before, even while he is super far away and will be far away for a long time. It hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows - there are very difficult pieces and times, too. I wasn't (and honestly haven't ever been) scared to walk away from this, and am choosing it because I do believe in both of our changes. Some of him being gone again can be triggering for me, since last time I was without him, it was because we were S.
