My son got very little scholarship money. His community college is paid for but he will owe once he transfers. This with a 32 on the ACT and a 4.2 gpa. The money isn’t out there. Not now. You need to be a merit scholar or an athlete to get full rides. Depending on how much support I get he might now qualify for grants. S19 is brilliant and we talk about this often. He does not want $20k in debt not realizing how fortunate he is.
D17 had a dream of going to NY for college. Just for 2 years but I think last time I checked it was $60k. She would have loved to go if we paid (which we were) but there’s no way she’s going to go into debt for it. None. I can’t even get her to buy new clothes. Everything she owns is thrifted.
We saw H at Walgreens but he didn’t see us. I darted down an aisle right behind D17. That’s the closest I’ve been to him since July 2019. We hid in the bathroom and texted D14. She said he broke a tooth and was there for pain meds. Well that explains why he wasn’t with the OW.
Anybody here have college aged kids? S19 got a 32 on the ACT and will still owe $20k after attending a community college. I worked my way through college but it cost $600 a semester and now it’s $10k. Thats $40k for a degree who has that kind of cash? Ok so get loans where are the jobs? I work with 2 people with degrees, $40k in debt and they make $13 an hour. One has a teaching degree too.
D17 will be fine and what she wants to do doesn’t require a $40k degree. We were going to send her to NY but that’s not happening. She will probably get a 2 year degree and a grant should cover most of it.
I don’t have a kid in college but that doesn’t mean I’m not aware of things. My nephew just graduated from the same state school I graduated from eons ago. He made a 26 on his ACT and graduated high school with a GPA of 3.7. He made it all 4 years without a loan because he did get grant money and a lot of scholarships. He was neither a scholar nor an athlete. My niece is currently a student at the same university where I work. ACT score of 20, high school GPA of 3.2, scholarships and a little grant money. My sister and brother in law make really good money and yet my niece was still able to procure financial assistance. As I said in my earlier post, I work at a public university, so I work with students on a regular basis on how to get financial aid and scholarships. The money IS there but it does require some work on the part of the student and parents in finding those monies. Many colleges, 2 year schools included, offer work study programs and other financial aid to help defray costs. Many also have a variety of local scholarship funds provided by local, mostly private donors that have less strict requirements than some of the federally-funded programs have. Our university has a foundation supported by private donors that offers scholarship monies to students based on a variety of criteria. Most schools have something similar. We also have a program for students who are first generation college students, which I know exists at other schools across the nation because it is a federally-funded program. Many schools and companies offer paid internships that may result in an actual job after graduation. Yes, student loan debt can be crippling and jobs can be hard to come by but again, they are there if the students look for them.
As far as D17, just because you can’t pay to send her to New York, doesn’t mean she can’t go. And, if you say she’ll get a 2 year degree which will mostly be covered by a grant, then I’m not sure I understand what the problem is. Help your kids focus on their goals and develop strategies for meeting those goals. There is NO reason at all that if your kids want to go to college that they can’t. Just because you don’t still have the financial security you perceived that you had with your H doesn’t mean you can’t help your kids achieve whatever goals they set for themselves. You have talked a lot about your H’s inability to manage money and how you basically kept your joint finances running smoothly. You clearly have good money management skills, so help your kids learn that. Don’t make excuses for them (or for yourself, for that matter) because you have the opportunity right here and right now to teach your children that they can go after whatever they set their mind to. Money is not the be all end all. Sure it helps, but there are plenty of people in this world who do very well for themselves without much money. You keep talking about how poor you are but every time you write that, something you posted awhile back about having a few hundred dollars left at the end of the month sticks in my head. Not everyone has the luxury of having a roof over their heads, food to eat, extra money at the end of the month. Bugs in the shower? Sister, I live in the middle of the woods. Bugs in the shower is a common occurrence. Mud hole in your back door? Is that really the worst thing in the world.
I get that you are going through a terrible time in your life and I feel for you, but you really should try to reframe some things in a more positive light. Focus on the many blessings you do have instead of the things you don’t. Stop trying to keep up with the Joneses. You have children who love you, a roof over your head, food on the table, a job. You also have the unique opportunity to really find and establish yourself in the life YOU have always wanted. You have a bright future ahead if you’ll just focus on the positive.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Las. You literally said your daughter has no future. We all have a future if we chose to. She’s a 17 year old girl about to enter adulthood and that’s the last way she needs to feel and have her mother feel the same way. Just because she can’t go to NYU, doesn’t mean she can’t pursue dreams.
Do sit down with her and talk about her goals and dreams ? And if you do, please don’t tell me you kill them because your H left and the money left.
She needs you. She needs you in so many ways. I know you hurt and have a hard time seeing past your own pain, but if you are going to distract away from that, pour yourself into your kids and their futures. I come to you thread and read how they are so embroiled with the drama with their father. You can be the one to direct attention away from that. What are D 14’s goals? Do you guys talk about all the things she enjoys? Her relationships with her friends and her school work? Any sports or activities they enjoy? S19 seems like a bright kid. How about him? I have a near daily convo with my daughter about school, her friends, activities and even though she is 12, her hopes and dreams.
The greatest gift you can give those kids is the ability to be their age at this time, make sure they realize that they have a hope and a future and the divorce isn’t going to destroy it.
You are not the poorest of poor. You actually have some money left over at the end of the month! And BTW, a whole lot of my coworkers have kids in college. They started doing the research and legwork with their kids to get them off to college. A lot go to state schools. Found grants, scholarships and took out loans. Did not bankrupt themselves. But it took Work. I know a single mom of 2 . Deadbeat dad. She didn’t make much money Her son went to Stamford and her daughter to Dartmouth. And they don’t have to be Ivy League schools.
Please don’t give up on your kids futures. We all want better for our kids than we had, right? I remember my mother did not. She had no GED and a cashier job off the books because she was on disability. She wanted me to be as miserable as she was when my dad left. And I’ll never forget it. I want so much better for my daughter. I want her to be successful and never have to rely on a man. I want her to teach for her goals and dreams and be self sufficient. I’m planning our move when she graduates high school to a cheaper part of this country so she can attend college there and hopefully build a life there because I don’t want her to be in the position I am in.
Can I please get back on topic. I'm expressing my concerns HERE not to them. I'm 6 months out from being on my own. S19 is the one discussing college but that's because he's hoping he will get grant money now that I'm separated. He asks D17 what her plans are and she say she'll probably go to the same community college he's attending. I think that is a good plan and I have supported that. She can go to NY after the 2 years if we can work it out somehow. For the record she has not mentioned NY since before H left.
I'm struggling. I can't even read those posts today (I will after I calm down) because just glancing at them makes me feel awful. The past 2 days I've been in tears at work. I take my meds before I go home so the kids don't have to see that. On the really bad days I'm not fooling D17 because she will ask "are you okay?" Yes I'm fine. "You seem quiet". Oh sorry didn't realize that.....tell me about you day? Wonder when we will get those kittens? Or I'll start looking at the videos she sent me.
THIS IS HARD and I do not have my support group anymore. I just want someone to talk to, to let me say whatever awful thing I need to say, to validate my feelings. I'm actually triggered today over seeing H (and not hearing back from my attorney) and yet last night I was fine. Why? Meds. For the record I'm under the care of a great doctor she knows the dosage I'm taking and the timeline I plan on taking it. I try not to take them on the weekends because I know I need breaks from it. Sometimes I can't make it but that is my goal. Last week I skipped 2 days. I'm aware of what I need to do.
Last edited by job; 05/19/2005:43 PM. Reason: edited a word for Kas
You might need an antidepressant instead of just anxiety medications. Other things to do for depression: exercise (as good as Prozac in some studies), get enough sleep (melatonin can help with falling asleep), yoga or meditation, B vitamins, and those daily affirmations I talked about earlier. Also do a little sunbathing as vitamin D is important for Covid and will help your mood.
Your brain tends to assume the most horrible possible outcomes (yes, that's a feature of depression) but it is really counterproductive to run with those things. So you need to work on NOT BELIEVING the BS your brain is telling you about your future right now. You wouldn't listen to a friend telling you those terrible things right now, would you? So why listen to that depression monster in your brain?
Yes your kids will likely get more financial aid with you divorced. Community college is a fine place to start. Living at home during college is probably a better option right now anyway since college dorms are germ factories. Your kids may be more motivated knowing they don't have dad's trust fund to fall back on. I worked my way through college as a waitress and ended up in medical school.
Put these up on your bathroom mirror and read them out loud every morning: I am smart and capable. I have a bright future ahead of me. I can provide for myself. I am on an adventure. I am resourceful and creative. I am better off without ex and have happiness in my future.
I think it is great that you can express your concerns. At the same time, when you do so on an open forum like this, sometimes not everyone is going to read and relate to them exactly as you may have intended. I stand by everything I said but it wasn’t said in a mean-spirited way. I was just trying to give you a different perspective. Sadly, you seem to have such a negative outlook and it is likely a product of depression and not feeling like you’re enough. Even in your response you said it was only a short time until you’re alone. KAS, you are not going to be alone when your kids leave the nest. They love you! You may LIVE alone but you won’t BE alone because you’ll always have them. I doubt if anyone posts anything to you in an effort to make you feel awful. On the contrary, I think people respond to you to offer you help, light at the end of the tunnel, support, advice.
As usual, kml offers some very sage advice, so listen to her. All of those things are true. You just have to find a way to believe them.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Took a mini break from this board and am feeling better. I'm busy right now (will post more later) but wanted to give a small but powerful update.
I'm firing my attorney. I've given her 3 warnings and now I'm done. I'm working on setting up interviews but what stinks is I have to get permission from my attorney to seek a 2nd opinion. Not all attorneys want this but the first 2 I talked to did. My attorney did the first one then had the audacity to blame the delay on me. Been gaslighted my entire life and I've healed enough that I recognized it immediately. Moved that email to my personal folder without responding. She's LYING.
The first attorney I called I ended up chatting with a very nice woman who in a matter of minutes knew more about my divorce than I did. She said she'd walk over to the courthouse and find out what was filed on April 14th (I can only assume that was H's counter file but I'm not sure).
This attorney is pricey but I already knew that. Wish me luck.
You might need an antidepressant instead of just anxiety medications. Other things to do for depression: exercise (as good as Prozac in some studies), get enough sleep (melatonin can help with falling asleep), yoga or meditation, B vitamins, and those daily affirmations I talked about earlier. Also do a little sunbathing as vitamin D is important for Covid and will help your mood.
I'm on an AD but I'm doing lots of other things wrong. Not eating real food, not exercising, staying up too late, and not going outside. I'm also trying to tough it out by not taking the anxiety meds and it's an epic fail. I just can't do without them right now. I'm taking .25mg 1-2 times a day and taking the weekends off. I've also been eating real food and going to bed on time.
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Your brain tends to assume the most horrible possible outcomes (yes, that's a feature of depression) but it is really counterproductive to run with those things. So you need to work on NOT BELIEVING the BS your brain is telling you about your future right now. You wouldn't listen to a friend telling you those terrible things right now, would you? So why listen to that depression monster in your brain?
Multiple times a day I'm reading inspirational books especially when my brain tries to kill me. You'll laugh but last night I read a few pages, threw my hands up in the air, ugh because wallowing is so much easier than taking action. I saw it. So I got up and cleaned the kitchen. My brain started killing me again so back to the book I went. It's weird I get it, I see it, I understand it, it's almost like a bad habit. Read a few pages (I'm underlining things to make this easier) and got back up. Cooked dinner and vacuumed. At this point I had a handle on the depression. Took S19 to the auto parts store to get new bulbs for the cars and came home to watch tv with D17. Went to bed on time.
Would have worked fine except D14 called me at 5:30am. Teenage drama and needed an adult. She chose me isn't that wonderful?? In my clarity I realized I needed a new attorney so that was the first thing on my agenda. My computer at work wasn't working (fun) and I was shaking. Took my sliver of a pill and pulled it together. Got an email and we should be getting 3 kittens next week. Everything is going to be fine isn't it??
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Yes your kids will likely get more financial aid with you divorced. Community college is a fine place to start. Living at home during college is probably a better option right now anyway since college dorms are germ factories. Your kids may be more motivated knowing they don't have dad's trust fund to fall back on. I worked my way through college as a waitress and ended up in medical school.
We're all adjusting we'll get there.
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Put these up on your bathroom mirror and read them out loud every morning: I am smart and capable. I have a bright future ahead of me. I can provide for myself. I am on an adventure. I am resourceful and creative. I am better off without ex and have happiness in my future.
This is kinda what I'm reading in my 2 books (same author) that I cling to. Have one in my purse and one on the coffee table. Was texting my support group leader yesterday. I am truly trying. I've come a long way in a year and I believe I will continue to grow. Won't be easy I see but like I always say I'm not giving up.
**warning I may be off the rails tomorrow. That's not me though it's just my brain in panic mode that's all. I'm scared**
