One more thought before I close. During this time, you may want reassurance that your relationship with friends and in-laws won't change. I encourage you to not press it right now. Her folks may feel bombed shocked, and may be totally disgusted with her, but at the end of the day......they are "her" family. They may not support her decision, but they are her blood. So, just give them some room and time to digest some this rotten mess. It's horrible for everyone. I realize you want to keep things like they were, but I've read lots of stories where it caused more problems for everyone in the end (usually due to the WW's jealousy). Make sense?
Yes, tell the kids together.......unless you are fine with her telling them this is a decision that both of you have made (to divorce), b/c that's how she'll present it. As for telling the parents together? I can't help but think that you are in denial about how this is going to play out, should it come to that point. Plus, I'm wondering why you are so quick to accept being one of her friends on the side, if you can't be her husband. Maybe I'm interpreting it wrong, but do you see the two of you spending time together, once she's divorced you? For instance, having dinner together and watching a little TV? Do you see the entire family hanging out together, after a divorce? I'm not suggesting you become enemies. I'm just trying to see from your point of view.
I understand what your saying Sandi and your right I may be causing more problems by reaching out to them but I don't really have anyone else to reach out to. I do my best not to talk about us when I see our family or friends its not about that anymore I just want somewhere to feel good for a minute, to have a normal conversation. I also know that eventually I will lose "her" family there will probably be no getting around that in the long run. I know that without being told but I guess for right now in this moment I just want to cherish what little time I have left with them. Everyday it feels like that time is going to be less and less. I've known these people since I have 14 years old its hard to just not have them anymore. Especially her little brother and sister they were only 2 weeks and 9 months old respectively when I met them. They don't even know a world without me and they will always be like blood to me. It hurts so much to know there will be a time where I never see them again.
I'm not sure what life will be like after this if that is where it goes. I want my wife to be my wife of course but I'm not sure that I want her gone from me forever either. Being her friend isn't something I would hate, its just something I'm not sure I can tolerate even with time. That doesn't mean part of mean doesn't want that as a last resort though. That may change I dont know. This is a time of great uncertainty for me more so than ever before.
There isn't too much to update over the last 10 days I guess. I've been trying to spend time out when I can. Most everyone who knows us now knows what is happening. I dropped off graduation gifts to our cousin and a old friend's of ours sister. As with most people they couldn't even begin to understand why I was there alone. How this could be happening. My wife never spoke to anyone we were both close to about how she was feeling over the years and the few friends she did speak to it was momentary rants about a specific incident. She was honestly never very good at communicating. Maybe that's why these online groups made it so much easier for her to be open. She didn't have to worry about the face to face or the judgment, after all she is in a very specific place made specifically to shelter like minded individuals, everyone there is supportive of everything she wants right now. But that is me just putting my own beliefs into a situation, I can never fully understand what she feels or thinks.
She applied to an apartment a couple days ago. There nothing to suggest that she won't get it. So by next month she will likely be gone. In some ways that is probably for the best but obviously coming home to an even emptier house than before will be hard. I know for sure know that there is someone more serious to her and that there has been since at least the beginning of may. She made plans to meet up with him a least a few times, including one trip out with our little brother and sister but he flaked or they fell through. Which I find kinda messed up since this is just some guy she met in a sex chat that shes never met face to face but thought it was okay to have these kids there. I won't get into the details of how I know I'm sure quite a few of you know the rabbit hole I've been going down the last few months. Im weaning myself off that rabbit hole, I found it was harder to go cold turkey than I thought. It doesn't matter as much anymore though I've more or less found what I was looking for. Now that I know though, now that I see how it isn't just the pure validation and ego boost this started as I feel more calm I guess. I've reached a part where I know I can probably not stop the inevitability of a PA anymore. If that is even what you want to consider it being that our marriage is just a piece of paper and ink at this point. That's not to say i'm past anything or feel any better. Just that I really feel as though I have no other recourse than to let life just play out and hope for the best. That is what I have been being told from the beginning that this was always last resort. If I had been able to handle that better from the start maybe I could have actually made an impression that mattered early on, maybe not who can say. When I told the last group of people why I was alone when I came by I didn't even cry this time, every other time I broke down getting it out.
Of course none of that realization of the present or hope to refocus myself means that the rainstorm of life as become any less. On Saturday I had terrible pain in gut thought I was having a heart attack. It eventually went away and then returned later that night. When I went to my wife legitimately fearful something was wrong, she was of course more annoyed than concerned. Wrote it off as likely just bad heartburn and it did subside shortly after she asked me to leave her room. Something special about the pain you feel when your number one confidant in times of need basically doesn't care if you may be dieing in front of her. The pain was gone until about mid day Sunday. It was much worse this time to the point I could barely concentrate and I thought I was going to vomit from how intense it was. This time she managed to have a little better conversation, still no compassion, and helped me to point out that pain was more under my ribs then in my chest and she decided it was likely a gallbladder attack. She reluctantly took me to the doctors. With all the stuff going on no one in allowed into our offices except for patients so there I was with the worst pain of my life all alone and without even so much of a rub of the shoulder or it'll be alright when I left her. She didn't even stick around in the car. went over to a friends house while I was there. I couldn't resist myself to send a few texts about how it all made me feel. I'm sure that did nothing except maybe more damage but I had to get those emotions out. After a number of hours and weird drives with my wife back and forth to doctors and outpatient centers it was determine to be a gallbladder attack and that I had a decent number of gallstones. I have to surgery sooner rather than later. This will be the first surgery I've ever had and will have to do it without her. That is very hard to accept but I have to. Again I know she basically complained and treated me like a burden to all her new friends. Literally complaining that she was stuck being a chauffeur today. As I said earlier I'll be ending that dark hole I've been in not worth it to see anymore. So life kinda [censored] even more right now, I'm afraid to eat and having a hard time figuring out what I can eat in the meantime. Soon I'll have surgery but still haven't heard from surgeon to make an appointment. Worse of all this may ruin my trip to Vegas next week for our god son's 5th birthday. If nothing else it wont be the same with my new diet restrictions. That was going to be the last big thing as a whole family after that it will likely all flatten out as I settle into the new normal of my life.
Maybe someday there will be a chance for us again but I don't know when if ever. For now all I can do is try to make myself happy and let her do her own thing. I don't talk much to her anymore mostly just hi and bye. We went out to get food last night because I was going anyway and I knew she hadn't eaten so just wanted to be considerate and see if she wanted to get her self something. We spoke a little about work and she told me that she applied to the apartment. Even all of that was because I asked how things were. She doesn't talk to me ever unless shes looking for something. Here's to hoping for the best!
I'm really sorry to hear about your health situation. Hope you can have the surgery soon and be on the road to good health again. This type thing feels compounded when you don't have emotional support. Do you have family that live nearby?
I read your post and could see the emotional pain you have about losing everyone that was connected through your W. I wish I knew what to say that would make you feel better. (((hugs)))
When you told of how cold and unconcerned she was about your gallbladder attack, and wouldn't even hang around the doctor's office.........I was nodding my head and thinking, "That's just like a wayward W!" You were closer to the stark reality than you probably realized when you said she seemed more annoyed than concerned that you could be dying. There's nothing colder than the heart of a WW.
I hope you will keep us updated about your surgery. Do you have a friend that could be with you, and drive you home from the hospital?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi I appreciate the support. It's all very hard to deal with but nothing else I can do
Surgery is now scheduled for the 25th. Just finished discussing it with my boss. Originally they wanted to do the 18th but this inconvenience doesn't feel worth it to miss my trip. As it is I am forced to cut it short because I have to be back in time to covid testing as a requirement for surgery.
My parents are in town. They will be able to take me and I will likely recover their as well. I don't think my wife will be willing to caretake for me. She won't say no I think but I don't want the additional pain of the half hearted attempt.
Strange night. Wife got denied on her application because she has a mortgage with me which gives her 900 dollars of debt. She was upset wouldn't tell me at first but she sounded like she was going to cry so I asked her what was wrong. She told me I had literally told her the night before when she said she applied that it was possible the mortgage could screw her on debt ratio and if she had considered that. She went from sounding like she was crying to angry instantly and asked if I would co sign her apartment. I was basically jaw on floor from this question. I told her no and it turned into a whole thing of me being selfish etc etc. Sometimes this stuff is really crazy.
Good job saying "No". It's your job to solve your caretaker problem and you have. It's her job to solve her apartment problem. Being partner-less is not as care-free as it seems on the outside.
I tried but mostly just got yelled at and hung up on. (She was at her mothers when she told me).
Sometimes in life we get yelled at. The mistake you made was letting her hangup on you. Next time she starts yelling, calmly say "I will not tolerate you speaking to me that way." Then hangup.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Not too much to report. Had another gallbladder attack. That hurt. Left a feeling like a knife stabbing me for days after every time I moved. I noticed my wife came to ask how I was doing that time she's also been a little nicer in general last couple of days. She did also ask me about the surgery and took an interest in me for the first time in I don't know how long just before she asked for more financial help though so yeah. Who knows why maybe things aren't going as well with her new guys, maybe she got good news on the apartment. I'm really just not putting any emotion into anything these days. I've kinda been back in the rollercoaster, for a little bit there I felt okay was smiling most days and my mind drifted a little less. Last couple of days feel like maybe I'm sliding back into depression. But at least it's not denial.
I reached out to see what options I had on a refinance for the house to put it in my name. It may not be what I want but at the end of the day she wants out of here and I don't really feel like she will ever work through her stuff with her here. She blames me for every second she can't leave that I'm trapping her. As if I'm the one that made her make a life bonding decision to have this mortgage. In reality I was terrified of it because it wasn't really the house I wanted but it was a decision that had to happen in days due to financial restrictions at the time. At least for right now I want the house because it's more secure than any of my other options. So we will see how that goes I suppose. if she ever does come around at least our home will still be here waiting maybe. I feel kinda like I need to have some sort of control on something for myself. Maybe knowing that this house is mine will help, although I'd still need to get a seperation agreement in writing that it will stay that way. Otherwise at the end of the day I'm just helping her get everything she wants while she gets to hang onto the financial interest in the future.
