Hey KC. I’m curious what he said last night that made you reply or how it turned into a conversation. If he just said he wanted to bring a thumb drive to get pics that could be been replied with an ok or thumbs up or actually still ignored honesty. Don’t get caught in the back and forth. If the time and date doesn’t work for you than it doesn’t work and that’s his problem not yours. A simple Thursday at 5 as an example could have sufficed as well.
As far as the tree stand, may I ask, who brought that up? I’m thinking it was you to keep the conversation going. And I only say that because it’s something I myself would have done in the past.
You hang in there. Take care of yourself. Because your H isn’t and won’t. He doesn’t have your best interest at heart. I know it feels like as long as some of his stuff is there than you have a chance to see him. A chance to talk to him. Maybe a chance to reconnect. Maybe it’s time to get a self storage locker and move all of his stuff into it. I bet your son would help. It would send a big message your done being a doormat. And it would finally give you a reason to stop talking to him. Just a thought
Last edited by JosephS; 05/19/2003:36 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I'd like it to be but frankly after 10yr... stuff is EVERYWHERE. With Covid I'm super busy at work so I haven't much free time.
I've been going room by room. Cabinet by cabinet. I have another 5 medium boxes.
He will still have to come back and get the puppy at some point and along with the puppy are two large kennels that would take up the back of the truck. The deer stand is HUGE and he won't be able to take the kennels at the same time.
It is what it is. I'm NOT initiating anything and letting him take the driver's seat.
I'm a woman only a fool would leave ----- I want to show that at all times and try very hard NOT to concern myself with what is going on in his life.
KK, I’m going to call your BS. You have time . You spend a lot of time here. For one or 2 days, spend a lot of time getting everything together instead. Make it one last trip.
As far as being a woman only a fool would leave...... that’s not totally legit until you quit wanting to show it to him and you are just happy being that woman for yourself
Hey KC. I’m curious what he said last night that made you reply or how it turned into a conversation. If he just said he wanted to bring a thumb drive to get pics that could be been replied with an ok or thumbs up or actually still ignored honesty. Don’t get caught in the back and forth. If the time and date doesn’t work for you than it doesn’t work and that’s his problem not yours. A simple Thursday at 5 as an example could have sufficed as well.
As far as the tree stand, may I ask, who brought that up? I’m thinking it was you to keep the conversation going. And I only say that because it’s something I myself would have done in the past.
You hang in there. Take care of yourself. Because your H isn’t and won’t. He doesn’t have your best interest at heart. I know it feels like as long as some of his stuff is there than you have a chance to see him. A chance to talk to him. Maybe a chance to reconnect. Maybe it’s time to get a self storage locker and move all of his stuff into it. I bet your son would help. It would send a big message your done being a doormat. And it would finally give you a reason to stop talking to him. Just a thought
He wasn't being clear on why he wanted to come Wednesday. So I did ask what he meant by coming Wednesday.
I brought up the deer stand. Its huge and in an odd location to have to keep mowing around. He is wishy washy about it as it needs repairs but he shouldn't dump it on me. I have no way of hauling it anywhere.
I offered that he just drop off the drives as its going to take time to back up 90GB of data. I could mail them to him OR give them when he gets the puppy. But, he said he wanted to wait.
I've asked "time" several times. I'm trying to be flexible because I am not working Wed and I thought he was working thirds.
This might have been completely wrong of me but I did state I didn't want to keep him up where he didn't get sleep.
***THIS was a huge gripe when we were together. That he always was sleep deprived and I liked keeping him up all day. MOST of the time his lack of sleep was on him but it was me too. Even after he BD me - he was even more sleep deprived looking for houses... running back and forth to our home and only getting 2-3hr of sleep... oversleeping. He still blamed me for him not getting sleep. He was just stressed all the time. NOT MY FAULT THEN, but I have had plenty of fault over the years.
ANYWAY. I'm just trying to show that I'm respecting him - or acknowledging past crimes??? and trying to be mindful and fix? I know its not my job anymore to show respect to man who walked out on our M.
I am different. I have made a lot of changes and worked on my healing. Maybe he notices or he doesn't...
GOSH - I just vascillate between wanting NO CONTACT period to still being a warm generous person with him. Where's that 2x4????
He left because he was not happy. He left to find his happiness. He went about it completely wrong but so many people often do. frown
I want to come back to this response from your last thread.
KC, even in admitting he is completely wrong you still give him a pass: "but so many people often do."
Have you ever heard about the word but? When you say "but" it negates everything you just said before it. It doesn't matter how many other people make bad decisions. You aren't married to them! You are married to him and should hold him to a much higher standard than "so many people".
I told you early on that this desire to avoid D was going to work against you. Here are two of your own statements:
"I have always said that(PA) was my deal breaker 100%" "I don't want a divorce"
Now, let's use that little word from above, but.
"I don't want a divorce, but I have always said that(PA) was my deal breaker 100%."
RC always like to say to never give up on your core values. So let me ask you a question. I see you worded that as "I have always said". So is someone cheating on you being a 100% deal breaker just something you said to try and control? Or is it really a true 100% deal breaker? And if you have said that all this time, and now he has done it, if you go back on it how will you ever again be able to expect him to abide by such "deal breakers"?
See KC, I think deep down underneath you are still trying to use all of the DB approaches as a wake up call to him. You are looking over yours shoulder at him after every attempt and DBing to see if it has an effect. Ever hear the the saying that a watched pot never boils?
We used to talk about the analogy of the picnic on this forum a lot. I haven't seen it much lately. But DBing is like having a picnic. You go on a picnic by yourself. You spread out the blanket open the picnic basket and spread out the picnic. You do not invite him to the picnic, but he will see the picnic and decide for himself whether or not come to the picnic.
Here is your problem. Your picnic looks like this. As you are packing the picnic basket you are constantly watching to see if he notices. When you pick up the basket and head towards the door, you stop and turnaround to see if he is watching. As you walk out to the picnic site you continue to turn your head around to see if he is following. When you spread the blanket you make a big show of it, unfurl it high into the air, waving it several times trying to subtly signal to him where you are setting up. As you unpack the basket you continue to look his direction, trying to see if he notices. You pull the food out and make sure to have all of his favorites set around the spot closest to where he is just in case he looks so he can see his favorites sitting waiting for him.
And all the while this is what is going through your head: "I am packing this, I hope he notices I am putting this picnic basket together. Oh here is his favorite chicken and dessert, I sure hope he sees me packing these. Maybe if I hold them up and make it look like I am checking them he will notice. Did he see me put that in the basket?? I am going towards the door, is he paying attention to me? Maybe if I wiggle my butt a little more as I walk it will catch his attention. Ok not sure he watched me go to the door. I will open it as loudly as I can and make sure to slam it so he hears it close! Okay now, I am walking out to the picnic site, did he open the door to foillow? Is coming? Where is he? Why is he not following? He had to see to me packing his favoirtes! Okay I will spread this blanket out, but maybe if I wave it several times first he will recognize it come see what is going on? Did he notice it? Here I will set all of his favorite over on this side so it is obvious that he is welcome to join. Does he not see me setting this up? Why is he not noticing? Well I guess I have to eat her by myself................"
LBS KNOW when things are for sure, or to try to get a response or reaction. He knows, to this day. that all he'd have to do is show up at your door and go: "I am sorry, I want to get back together." And you would fall over yourself making it happen. DBing with the hope he will miss you, that he will wonder, that he will take notice, all of that can be felt and detected by the WAS. And it never works.
When does DBing work? When you really are ready to move on. When you are really ready to never talk to him again. When you are over him. When he sees and feels that he is no longer able to come back, that is when he will want to. Right now every thing you do he feels like he is under a microscope as if this all one big experiment and he is in a petri dish seeing how he reacts to this stimuli or that stimuli.
A few threads ago I even encouraged you to change the name of your thread. You didn'd. Ever new thread is still "I don't want a divorce". No one wants a divorce. Even the WASs that are part of these situations don't want a D. They'd rather their LBS were just to up and die, or that they could back and time and not marry their LBS.
Here is the thing. I think if you were to REALLY move on. Call your lawyer and move the divorce forward. Start making plans to live by yourself, even entertain the idea of dating again. And you were to completely forget about him and what he is doing or thinking. And really do all of that for YOU, so that you could accept that he is now with her and so that you could move forward with your own life away from. I think then he might would start to wonder if he was making the right decision. Unfortunately, I don't think you will do that. Every thing you do is under the auspices of "hoping he will miss me!". And trust me, he knows that.
So go dark on him. The thumb drive thing is crap. He is playing games with you. "Sorry, I would prefer for you to stay away from the house entirely until the D is final. At that time we can discuss getting you copies of pictures."
I wouldn't have even responded to his crap this morning. Move on. Forget him. Focus on saving yourself and prepare for the life ahead of you.
I have almost given up on your thread a few times, I will admit. And if anything I am saying bothers you and you would rather I did, I will. I have always made that offer to posters. I just can't quit trying to get you to save yourself. I know you want to save your marriage, but that is not in your control. What is in your control is saving yourself. I would love to see you do that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey KC. I’m curious what he said last night that made you reply or how it turned into a conversation. If he just said he wanted to bring a thumb drive to get pics that could be been replied with an ok or thumbs up or actually still ignored honesty. Don’t get caught in the back and forth. If the time and date doesn’t work for you than it doesn’t work and that’s his problem not yours. A simple Thursday at 5 as an example could have sufficed as well.
As far as the tree stand, may I ask, who brought that up? I’m thinking it was you to keep the conversation going. And I only say that because it’s something I myself would have done in the past.
You hang in there. Take care of yourself. Because your H isn’t and won’t. He doesn’t have your best interest at heart. I know it feels like as long as some of his stuff is there than you have a chance to see him. A chance to talk to him. Maybe a chance to reconnect. Maybe it’s time to get a self storage locker and move all of his stuff into it. I bet your son would help. It would send a big message your done being a doormat. And it would finally give you a reason to stop talking to him. Just a thought
He wasn't being clear on why he wanted to come Wednesday. So I did ask what he meant by coming Wednesday.
I brought up the deer stand. Its huge and in an odd location to have to keep mowing around. He is wishy washy about it as it needs repairs but he shouldn't dump it on me. I have no way of hauling it anywhere.
I offered that he just drop off the drives as its going to take time to back up 90GB of data. I could mail them to him OR give them when he gets the puppy. But, he said he wanted to wait.
I've asked "time" several times. I'm trying to be flexible because I am not working Wed and I thought he was working thirds.
This might have been completely wrong of me but I did state I didn't want to keep him up where he didn't get sleep.
***THIS was a huge gripe when we were together. That he always was sleep deprived and I liked keeping him up all day. MOST of the time his lack of sleep was on him but it was me too. Even after he BD me - he was even more sleep deprived looking for houses... running back and forth to our home and only getting 2-3hr of sleep... oversleeping. He still blamed me for him not getting sleep. He was just stressed all the time. NOT MY FAULT THEN, but I have had plenty of fault over the years.
ANYWAY. I'm just trying to show that I'm respecting him - or acknowledging past crimes??? and trying to be mindful and fix? I know its not my job anymore to show respect to man who walked out on our M.
I am different. I have made a lot of changes and worked on my healing. Maybe he notices or he doesn't...
GOSH - I just vascillate between wanting NO CONTACT period to still being a warm generous person with him. Where's that 2x4????
I think I delivered a 2x4 in my post that I was writing before you sent this one. This is exactly what I am talking about:
"I just vascillate between wanting NO CONTACT period to still being a warm generous person with him. "
No contact period?!? How about no contact until if and when comes back willing to do whatever you require to come back? If that is forever, so be it. No contact until then and NOT before. And stop being warm to him. He is not a WAH, he is a WH that lied and cheated.
And I know you still see it that way because of:
" I know its not my job anymore to show respect to man who walked out on our M."
WHAT?? No he doesn't deserve your respect because he is a lying cheater. If he had merely walked out on the M then yes I would advocate warm and generous. I would advocate taking the opportunity to show him you've changed. I'd advocate you showing him respect. BUT HE IS A LYING CHEATER. And therefore the only thing he deserves is having all of his contact about anything, 90GB of pictures included, going through your lawyer.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
KK, I’m going to call your BS. You have time . You spend a lot of time here. For one or 2 days, spend a lot of time getting everything together instead. Make it one last trip.
As far as being a woman only a fool would leave...... that’s not totally legit until you quit wanting to show it to him and you are just happy being that woman for yourself
You are probably right but then I open a drawer and realize 1/2 the stuff is his. Just normal everyday stuff you forget about until you open a drawer.
I could probably tackle more but then I don't have boxes or something to put it in so I wait until I can nab some from work.
I'm finally to the point I don't notice the 1/2 empty closet when I go in there to get clothes where it makes me cringe.
I appreciate the honesty. I come here when I truly struggle.
I have sat at home in the last few evenings thinking I should put myself on a dating site and just go out and have some fun. Its hard at 51 and I need to research which app or site would be the best choice. I have thought about getting my feet wet again so to speak.
I have times where I just don't want to hear from him. That's why his texts are muted. Sadly my car doesn't know they are supposed to be muted... ugh.
I am making tiny steps toward the right direction.
You are probably right about the thumb drive. I probably just should have purchased them - transferred the pictures and boxed it up with all his mail and shipped it to his new home.
Its so very hard to walk away from 10yr of your life. Getting there. Thanks for hanging with me --- your words are not falling on deaf ears as it seems. I do read everyone's sitch and all the advice they are getting and soaking it in.
There has been some back and forth.. I just vascillate between wanting NO CONTACT period to still being a warm generous person with him. Where's that 2x4????
Hi KitCat,
You knew our advice--send a 2-3 word reply to clarify his purpose, then once he replied, wait a few hours to cool off / seek advice / consider next steps. It's your roller coaster. It took me a while to step off mine. IC reduced how long it took. You're SparklyGirl and we're here for you! Hugs and hope your today is better.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I probably just should have purchased them - transferred the pictures and boxed it up with all his mail and shipped it to his new home.
Nothing stops you from cancelling the visit and doing this. It'd have been easier to stop and pause when he proposed the visit, but you could still change your mind and do this.
Alternatively, I've always asked ex's for a move-out DATE when they'll get all their things. After that, visiting is trespassing, and anything they leave is considered abandoned. How they move the things--renting a truck, hiring help, calling friends--that's up to them. I have called the police for backup and gotten it.
