a new normal

[may22]

Wayfarer, I totally heart you.

First-- I *was* able to let it go yesterday and relax and enjoy. Honestly, I feel like I needed to give myself permission in some weird way to put it on the shelf, and you and CW helped me to do that. I think this is an area I need to work on for myself a bit. I feel like it connects in a weird way to those feelings of guilt for not kicking my H out back in January. Like if I was a strong empowered woman I would have booted him to the curb and not considered taking him back till he was came crawling. And now I shouldn't let him get close unless/until he checks the boxes that I want him to check in the order I want him to check it. (Control, there we go again!)

Thinking on your post... I shouldn't be scared that we are going to sweep this under the rug. That simply won't happen. I refuse. That is a boundary for me. But. At the same time, it doesn't need to happen today. It will happen when the time is right. I am not going to let go of my need to get those open questions answered-- this is core to who I am, I always want the information so I can deal with it, whether it is good or bad or ugly. I do feel like I'm in some kind of stasis right now and would SOOOOO much rather have everything 100 percent out in the open, excise the pus from the wound, and start the healing process with that out of the way. I'm generally not someone who spends a lot of time worrying about the past. I think that is one of the reasons why this is so uncomfortable for me and I'm pushing so hard on wanting to dig in so we can move past. Yet another lesson for me to learn. That path isn't possible right now for me, because it depends on H. But there are other paths to healing for both me individually and us as a couple that we are pursuing, and I think I need to be open to those paths as well and recognize that they can have benefit too.

Yail, you said something about not writing my future before I get there and that meeting my H halfway in this is giving him the time to work through things at his own pace. This has stuck with me as well. I realized last night that even though this has been painful and uncomfortable for me, the time and space has been really helpful for him and for us as a couple. A little humbling to recognize the benefit to his approach on this, and the build up of all the positive interactions and connections we've been having through this whole quarantine situation without the drama and stress of talking about the A is helping us in a lot of ways.

But if you want to move past this and get to that MR 2.0 in full there really will come a time when you have to be alone with those feelings and process them and not drag him in to it, because your negative feelings about the A are going to go on far longer than his negative feelings about reinvesting in the MR.

That part at the end.... yes. wow. I totally get you and agree with you on all of this. I just can't quite do that in a way that is authentic to me without more info. That just isn't who I am and through all of this I want to be true to myself.

As to your vision of MR 2.0. I love ya, but I'm going call you on expectations. MR 2.0 is already started in sorts. MR 1.0 died long before you even knew it was dead. I'll give you that this is MR 2.0 beta testing. LOL. Working through the bugs and glitches in programming. But a year ago he was a warm body in your house. Now, right now, he's there, he's trying, in his way, but he's trying. You look at where you were a year ago and 2 years ago and see all this loss and pain. When I read that I thought, my god, look how far he's come. What a d!ck he was...couldn't even pull it together for a day, and today he's trying so hard and my May can't get out of her head long enough to see how badly he wants her to enjoy the day.

LOL. I was thinking about that, that M1.0 died before our 11th anniversary. And, you are right. I gotta get out of my own head on this and stop focusing on where we aren't and focus more on where we are and how far we've come.

I just want to warn you, that he is never going to say he's sorry exactly the way you want him to. He's never going to say I love you exactly the way you want him to. He never going to face his bs on your timeline or process it in the way you'd really like him to. It's all going to be on his time table and in his way at first. It a long road before he'll be ready to show and do things the way you'd like them to be, and then again he may never. This is a meet people where there at thing. He owes you a lot of explaining, and reassurances, and apologies, but there's a good chance all of that is going to come in his way and not yours. Are you going to be able to accept that? And the bigger question I have for you is, are you going to be able to set your pain, fear, anger, frustration etc. over all he's put you though long enough to see when he's giving you those things on his terms?

I think this is part of my H's aggravation around my approach (and TBH? If I'd been less like "well I read every book there is on the subject and am now a full-fledged expert, and in order for us to move forward these 3 things need to happen in this specific order so... you ready to step to it and get with the program??" we might actually be doing more of what I wanted). LOL. I mean, a relationship is made up of two people and part of what attracted us to each other in the first place is that we push/challenge each other and neither of us ever gets our own way. So I definitely get intellectually that M2.0 needs to be forged together, his way as much as mine. It is just easier said than done (right, sister?)

One thing that has been helping recently is to refocus on my original reasons for standing-- the kids-- and remind myself that I've been through a lot and would go through far worse for them. I just need to put on my big-girl pants, cultivate my patience and gratitude and let things happen at their own pace rather than forcing it along. Having all this extra time with them during this quarantine has been amazing. (And sometimes I think how much worse it could have been, if we had gone in a different direction back in January and separated.)

Anyway... the night ended up being really good. We had cocktails outside and I put on our playlist. He suggested a song for this year which was the perfect song. I (still a little in my head at this point) noted that we didn't have one from last year and guessed he wasn't really into picking one out at that time... he looked sad but didn't get defensive or anything, just looked at me. I cried when it got to the song we played at our wedding and he came over to hold me through the whole song. We cooked a great meal together, the kids made puppets and put on a puppet show as a surprise for us, we had a decadent dessert and then drank our beers out back after the kids went down. Had a nice and deep conversation about lots of things, not about our R but about us individually and friends and family the direction of the world and our community.

The spotify playlist (the one full of breakup/love songs that he'd shared with AP) came up (my bad) and he looked a little sheepish said you know, we've talked about this a couple of times, I want to delete it because I know it will help you but then to be honest? I truly haven't thought about it at all. So that is kind of good, isn't it? I said no worries, I'll delete it myself and he said no, let me, I think it means more that way. So we'll see if it actually gets deleted but again, comparing this exchange to the time we talked about it with the MC when he was basically like I can delete the playlist but that doesn't delete my FEELINGS all up-in-arms about it... we have come a long way. And when we went to bed he initiated and for the first time it felt like ML instead of just sex. And I don't think it was just me. He told me he loved me. It did feel a little bit like the start of M2.0.

[may22]

Yail-- somehow I missed your post yesterday. i love all your ideas. And am a little sorry we ended up just going with the traditional (but for the puppet show!).

I think we did do a good job of turning towards each other. And re-reading what i just posted, I also didn't meet my own goal of putting everything to the side since I apparently had to make a couple of comments here and there-- but that was OK, and he was OK with me saying them.

But I think the idea of taking the pressure off more generally and having fun is important. Just connecting and being OK with that. Laughing. Being a team. We'll get to the hard stuff when we get there and we don't have to do it today. (I keep needing to remind myself of this part).

OK and I have a huge thing of heavy cream from Costco that needs to be used up within the next few days. Any suggestions??

[wayfarer]

May you got a girl crying in the club over the end of your post. I heart you!!! And I’m so glad you let go enough to enjoy your day.

[Traveler]

May, happy to hear you hade a nice anniversary.

[Pommy99]

May I’m just catching up on your sitch as I not read much on here the last couple of weeks. It sounds like you guys are in a pretty good place right now, you’ve certainly come a long way in so many aspects. It’s a little difficult to read on a phone screen but one of your last paragraphs makes so much sense:

But I think the idea of taking the pressure off more generally and having fun is important. Just connecting and being OK with that. Laughing. Being a team. We'll get to the hard stuff when we get there and we don't have to do it today. (I keep needing to remind myself of this part).

I’m totally with you on this. M2.0 needs to be exactly what you described ...having fun, connecting, making good memories, looking forwards....new features. Like you say there are still some important fixes required from the M1.0 legacy, but as you continue to connect and move forwards with improved teamwork then those will hopefully get fixed as part of the continued development of M2.0. I feel there is an element of trust required on both sides to deal with those issues and right now the trust is probably still a little fragile. But everything I read in your posts...that trust and bond is growing .

I’m so pleased that you are where you are. I need to read through your posts on a bigger screen because I know there is so much I can take away from your sitch and how you have handled yourself throughout, that I can apply to my own. Right now I feel like H and I are rabbits in the headlights - we want to move forward together but a bit startled about what/how!! Sending much love and a virtual G&T !

[may22]

Pommy, CW, WF-- thanks

Things continue to go well. I feel like we had a mini positive breakthrough on our anniversary in that we feel closer and the romantic side of things is starting to peek its head back in again. We ML again a couple of nights ago, him initiating by hugging me and saying "I love you, May." It was nice. And we continue to be really strong friends and partners in all of this, backing up each other in parenting decisions, and dealing with this crazy coronavirus situation in the best way we can. I feel like this past week has gotten a little tougher on everyone being at home, and we've both separately and interpersonally dealt with potentially difficult situations way better than we would have before.

He did delete the Spotify playlist he'd shared with AP (though I haven't actually acknowledged that yet...) On Saturday I was in Spotify turning on music, noticed that the playlist was still there, got a little down, he noticed and asked why. I said that GD playlist is still in there. He asked why I checked. I said because it matters to me, and it bothers me that you don't seem to really get why or care that it does. I know I was being a little over-dramatic but he didn't get defensive or anything, just said to me I understand, and I dropped it. I saw him noodling around on his phone later and I looked and it was gone. I haven't said anything because... I'm not sure. There are also other things we haven't even talked about recently that I don't know if he's done or not (blocked her numbers, etc), and I'm not sure that he's quite ready for that conversation. We had said we would leave it until quarantine was over and we could start MC again.

All that being said... his reasoning in the beginning for not deleting it when I brought it up was that he didn't want to do anything that didn't feel authentic to him, he wanted to get to a point where he never thought about it and didn't care, and wouldn't I rather him delete it for those reasons than just because I told him to? At the time I was like no, I want you to delete it because you know it will make me feel better, and it bothered me that that reason wasn't enough. Now, I look back and I definitely do feel like it means more that he's deleted it now than if he deleted it then. I hate to admit it, but maybe there is something to doing things on his time frame and me being able to trust it more than if he only did what I asked because I asked it of him.

Anyway. Trying to continue to relax and connect, be grateful and in the moment.

[cardinal]

may, I felt a weight lift from me reading that last update, knowing he deleted the GD playlist, so I can only imagine how you must feel. A small step. A significant step. It’s satisfying, too, that you can now look back and see that it does mean more now. Can I ever hope my H will be a normal human being again with any kind of empathy toward me? It’s like this big divide has opened up, and I see how far removed he is from... treating me like a human worthy of respect. Which also makes me so happy to see you getting love from your H. Happy Anniversary, dear may!

[KristinG]

May! I just caught up on your sitch and I see what you mean about your H having a lot of similarities. I'm so glad things are going well for you guys (and I second Cardinal's thoughts about the playlist)! It was helpful to read about the WS deleting things from the AP in their own time and how it would be more meaningful for them to do that of their own accord instead of as a requirement or obligation. Framing it that way takes the sting out of some of it.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to not be able to talk about it with H. I mean, it's not like we talk about it everyday, but once a week or so we have a convo about how we each are feeling and or dealing with all the baggage surrounding. Sometimes I think that it would be easier not to hear about WS heartache, but I think if we can stay calm and validate their feelings it could bring some comfort.

I bet you are SOOO ready for this pandemic to end. Being stuck in the house with a WFH situation and all the kids would drive me insane! Hopefully soon.

((May))

KG

[may22]

Cardinal, KG, thank you... it did feel good to find that stupid playlist deleted. Maybe a teeny bit discomfiting, because I had that as something to point to as "he isn't ready to talk about the A" and also I kind of fed a bit of my obsessiveness by checking to see if certain songs were on there. Now I can't do that anymore.

We were in the car together last weekend and playing music, I was going through the playlists and found one full of like exercise/dance music that was shared with one follower. (I think this is the other one I had originally seen but doesn't have any love songs on it so wasn't that worried about it.) I said hey, you have another playlist on here with a follower, he looked at it and said sorry, go ahead and delete it. So I did. No drama.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to not be able to talk about it with H. I mean, it's not like we talk about it everyday, but once a week or so we have a convo about how we each are feeling and or dealing with all the baggage surrounding. Sometimes I think that it would be easier not to hear about WS heartache, but I think if we can stay calm and validate their feelings it could bring some comfort.

It was really hard at first. The last few weeks, not so much. I find myself thinking about the A less and less. When I do, there isn't the same level of pain attached to it. There are these scenes I have in my head of the two of them together and even when I kind of purposefully linger on thinking about it/her it just doesn't have the same sting. Like, what's past is past, can't do anything about it now, what matters is what is happening now and in the future.

Another big part of wanting to talk was that I was also very anxious to feel all the feels and know all I needed to know NOW rather than wait. I was worried that dragging it all out would be damaging to me, that I'd sink right back to feeling how I felt in the lowest points once I finally find out all the answers to my questions (which really aren't all that big of a deal: how did you communicate, did you see her anywhere/anytime besides the times I know about, did he buy her any gifts, does he have any mementos, photos, emails, letters, whatever of her remaining). Plus I still want him to delete her from Instagram and block/delete her phone number and email address, and of course burn any $hit he might have from her that I don't know about (right, KG?? You know you want to too!!).

But I know it isn't all that big of a deal, really. He is barely on social media and when I had snooped on her IG from his phone way back when, she barely ever posted anyway. And at some point I do want to know the full story of what happened when he ended it with her beyond what he's already shared. (He has told me what they talked about, what he said and what she said, but I still want to know the details around it, like where did they meet, how long did they talk, was there any physical contact, etc. Just the facts, ma'am!)

But now, I actually do think that while it is still likely to dredge up a lot of bad feelings for me when we get there, and if it were 100% up to me I would have preferred to have pulled off the bandaid all at once, there is value to have built up all these good feelings and connections between us over the last three months. Maybe I am in a better and stronger place to hear about these things than I was back in January or February. And I feel that he is also in a better place. The rawness and intensity of his feelings about breaking off the AP are if not gone, severely reduced. The defensiveness and quick anger if it comes up is gone. Even just looking at the emotions around the Spotify playlist, it went from him feeling defensive and a weird need to elaborate on how strong his feelings were for the AP when it came up to now the only emotion I really detect is more like embarrassment.

All in all, we are doing really well. The romance part is still baby steps/slow but I've lost some of my fear that it will never come back. I feel it is more dormant than dead, tiny leaves starting to emerge. And we are closer, I feel, than we've probably ever been, excepting maybe when we were first married/before kids. He's really been amazing during this whole quarantine. He's pulling more than his own weight around the house, making me lunch and bringing it to me when I'm on a call; he probably does 75% of the distance learning duty; he makes dinner more than half the time, does the grocery shopping, and is just NICE. Things that he used to get annoyed at me for he now can just say hey babe can you do (whatever) and I can say oh sure sorry and that is it. He planned and facilitated a wonderful Mother's Day weekend last weekend, with beach walks with the girls and an at-home spa day, breakfast in bed, all the cooking and cleanup all weekend, special cocktails, backrubs.

Of course now I'm wondering if I should start pushing talking about the A again... but I went back through my journal and here and I'd committed to waiting out the quarantine as I'd agreed. So I think I'll just be grateful for what I have right now, focus on being in the moment, and continue to give him time on this one.

I bet you are SOOO ready for this pandemic to end. Being stuck in the house with a WFH situation and all the kids would drive me insane! Hopefully soon.

I feel guilty about this but actually... this has been such an incredible time. Like amazing. So much fun with the kids, no running around to soccer and swimming and work, taking turns cooking new and sometimes complicated dishes, lots of fun new cocktails, connecting on zoom with friends and family from around the country, taking advantage of the zero tourists where we live to go hiking and swimming (properly socially distanced of course)... my younger daughter calls the space on my lap when I'm at the computer the "cuddle zone" and pops in when I'm working all the time. I love it. I want to work from home forever. And I'm lucky in that our community has taken this very seriously and kept the numbers very, very low, so most of the local anxiety is around the economic downturn and how to keep the numbers down rather than the fear some of my friends have who live in places more severely impacted.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I do miss seeing friends and going to the beach and pool and restaurants and all the rest. But since we can't do that right now, I'm just loving what we do get in its place. I do have an undercurrent of guilt since we are so lucky to have a situation like this and so many other people are facing such anxious and tragic circumstances.

Virtual hugs to all my board peeps. Hang in there. Let's all have G&Ts tonight in honor of each other, shall we??

[wayfarer]

Vodka and limoncello seltzer, but I got you I'm so happy to hear how things are going, May. And I don't feel guilty at all about being happy about this time. I needed to slow down. We needed to slow down. So many hugs. xoxo