[quote=BobP]The tension, the wondering where the heck she was at times, was getting difficult to live with./quote]
What we find is that after the LBS leaves, or even after the WAS leaves, that the tension an dthe wondering where the heck she is doesn't go away. Many times it gets worse. Search internally, isn't this the case? Now that you know he's been spending time there, the wondering is worse, isn't it?
When you make decisions simply to try to relieve your pain, it rarely gets better, and sometimes gets worse. That is why we try to talk LBS into coming here for input before making big decisions.
BobP, I just told another LBS. Unfortunately there is no path forward that will STOP the pain. There will be pain no matter what. My suggestion is to forget trying to avoid the pain and start doing things that move yourself, and potentially your situation, forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
it is hard to kick someone out of house who hasn't paid rent in months. Just because the house is hers doesn't mean she can magically uproot you overnight. I'm posting this for others who are reading more than you. On the other hand, you knew you were going to go anyways so why delay the inevitable? And she told you to take whatever time you needed, so it wasn't like she was rushing you.
Originally Posted by Bob
I felt nauseous and wondered why I agreed to this arrangement, which struck me as a violation of boundaries on many levels
Ultimately, you were moving out eventually anyways from what I've read, so don't sweat it. You knew this would happen, right? Think of it as ripping of the bandaid. You got it all over with quick. The best thing you can do is be healthy, wealthy, and wise moving forward. Don't bother her at all, let her new fantastic OM be the piece of trash that he is and let her feel how wrong what she is doing really is. If you intrude and point fingers then she has you to blame, don't make yourself a target.
And now that you're out of there, it's time to move forward with your life. Do your best to mourn the loss of this marriage, don't deny the feelings, but don't overindulge either. Accept it, then go GAL and do some things to make your day better.
Steve has great advice in regards to the dog. Do not use the dog as an excuse to snoop or stay attached to her.
Originally Posted by Bob
My W says that it just kind of happened involuntarily and suddenly, about half a month after she decided that she wanted out of our marriage. Somewhat understandable, in retrospect we had lost a great deal of the intimacy required to sustain a relationship, something that had gone on a little too long without my sensing how bad it had gotten. Wish I could go back.
Now that is an industrial size load of crap if I've ever seen one. All the things she is doing with the OM, she could have done with you.
Again, men and women have a really hard time beings "friends". It just doesn't work. Look at all the OM in me, Steve's, AS's, your situation. Just "friends". F that. Be the man, be the strong individual you are. Don't give in to BS. Focus on Bob, don't focus on the impotent jerk or the WW. Now is the time to grow.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
[quote=BobP]The tension, the wondering where the heck she was at times, was getting difficult to live with./quote]
What we find is that after the LBS leaves, or even after the WAS leaves, that the tension an dthe wondering where the heck she is doesn't go away. Many times it gets worse. Search internally, isn't this the case? Now that you know he's been spending time there, the wondering is worse, isn't it?
When you make decisions simply to try to relieve your pain, it rarely gets better, and sometimes gets worse. That is why we try to talk LBS into coming here for input before making big decisions.
BobP, I just told another LBS. Unfortunately there is no path forward that will STOP the pain. There will be pain no matter what. My suggestion is to forget trying to avoid the pain and start doing things that move yourself, and potentially your situation, forward.
I'm finding this to be true.
Unfortunately I only found this site a few weeks back. BD was 4/6.
When I think back over the entire month of April when I was in complete shock, feeling devastated, not eating, pacing back and forth throughout the entire night, trying to reflect back over every day during the last six months to try to understand the timeline better, I think of how much better I might have managed both my emotions, comportment and decisions if I had known about this forum and some of its contributors like yourself, AnotherStander, ovrnnbw and others.
I know where I will be going before I make any more big decisions.
[quote=BobP]The tension, the wondering where the heck she was at times, was getting difficult to live with./quote]
What we find is that after the LBS leaves, or even after the WAS leaves, that the tension an dthe wondering where the heck she is doesn't go away. Many times it gets worse. Search internally, isn't this the case? Now that you know he's been spending time there, the wondering is worse, isn't it?
When you make decisions simply to try to relieve your pain, it rarely gets better, and sometimes gets worse. That is why we try to talk LBS into coming here for input before making big decisions.
BobP, I just told another LBS. Unfortunately there is no path forward that will STOP the pain. There will be pain no matter what. My suggestion is to forget trying to avoid the pain and start doing things that move yourself, and potentially your situation, forward.
I'm finding this to be true.
Unfortunately I only found this site a few weeks back. BD was 4/6.
When I think back over the entire month of April when I was in complete shock, feeling devastated, not eating, pacing back and forth throughout the entire night, trying to reflect back over every day during the last six months to try to understand the timeline better, I think of how much better I might have managed both my emotions, comportment and decisions if I had known about this forum and some of its contributors like yourself, AnotherStander, ovrnnbw and others.
I know where I will be going before I make any more big decisions.
Yep, none of us came to this forum without making mistakes first. The fact that you have that insight to your mistakes is a perfect first step! Hang in there, it gets better.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just had an interesting call from my W, from whom I've been separated for 6 days.
She has had a timeshare on the beach going back a long ways. Over the 14 years we were together we always enjoyed a week at the timeshare every June along with family and friends. During today's call she offered me use of the timeshare for the first two days we have it, saying that she was going to be working that weekend and that she knows how much I've always enjoyed it. She also restated that she'll always see me as an important figure in her life, one who she hopes to keep in her life as a …. "friend"...… She also said that she hoped that next year I'd be able to be there at the same time as her and the OM. I almost couldn't believe my ears. She's jumping to a lot of conclusions if she's this certain her and the OM will still be an item come June 2021. Maybe they will be but I think those dopamine rushes associated with a novel lover can sure put one in a fantasyland.
I declined on the grounds that I'M her husband and had been her exclusive MAN since the time of our 3rd date. I didn't come into her life to be her friend. I still have my integrity and my self-respect.
So over the last 6 weeks she has told me she cares for my well-being, has thanked me for having been a good role model for her son and for having helped her through tough times, has told me she still "loves" me but just doesn't see us ever working, and did become visibly upset numerous times while I was preparing to move out, at one point visibly shaking, and called me one day very upset apologizing for having "done this to me". I'd rather she respected me, as she had for years, than feel sorry for me and think this would ever be acceptable to me.
Have a coaching session with Chuck on Monday. Should be interesting.
During today's call she offered me use of the timeshare for the first two days we have it, saying that she was going to be working that weekend and that she knows how much I've always enjoyed it. She also restated that she'll always see me as an important figure in her life, one who she hopes to keep in her life as a …. "friend"...… She also said that she hoped that next year I'd be able to be there at the same time as her and the OM. I almost couldn't believe my ears. She's jumping to a lot of conclusions if she's this certain her and the OM will still be an item come June 2021. Maybe they will be but I think those dopamine rushes associated with a novel lover can sure put one in a fantasyland.
He's 72 and had prostate surgery. That might not have affected his MR if his wife had lived, but I'm guessing it won't fly too well with his much younger lover. A fantasy is about all she'll have, until the new wears off and she begins seeing reality. She was unhappy in her Mr (don't believe "it just happened" between her and OM), and she looked forward to their gigs together, b/c I'm sure he fed her ego as much as possible. I'm even more sure, she gave him plenty, as well. He gave her something, apparently, that she wasn't getting from you. I mean, if you had a sexually starved MR, there must have been a reason.
Looking back at your first post on this thread, when you describe your last night in the home. She got all warm and cozy with you, right? She said things that made you scratch your head. According to your last post, she's still saying things that confuse you. Well, this is the arrogance of an wayward wife. None of it makes logical sense, so don't even bother trying. Something else, she has filled you with nothing but b.s. Everything out of her mouth......just consider it b.s. She's not having second thoughts, or changing her feelings for you, or OM. She's hit her stride in wayward country, and she'll play you every which way 24/7.........if you let her. How do you stop her from playing you like a fool? Get the heck out of her life, and stop letting her come into yours. Drop her like a rotten potato and go find yourself a life that doesn't include her. When the gigs fail to provide the excitement with OM they previously had, she'll look you up. Then you can determine if you want to take a chance with her. Btw, what happened in her other two MR's? Just wondering if there is a behavior pattern.
Your biggest problem in the meantime, is you'll want to see some positive sign in absolutely everything she says/does. I'm telling you, straight from the horse's mouth, she'll go running back to you when you dump her and stop giving her the time of day. And, if she's serious about it, she'll stop the game playing, lying, and cheating. If not, then mark it down she isn't serious about saving the M........ she just wants to keep you on the back burner in case her 72 yr old playmate loses his hotness.
Are you working full time? Have hobbies, enjoy particular activities? Do you have buddies who aren't attached to women who are associated with your WW? In other words, someone that wasn't couple friends with you & WW?
Hope you'll stick with us and post often.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
He's 72 and had prostate surgery. That might not have affected his MR if his wife had lived, but I'm guessing it won't fly too well with his much younger lover. A fantasy is about all she'll have, until the new wears off and she begins seeing reality. She was unhappy in her Mr (don't believe "it just happened" between her and OM), and she looked forward to their gigs together, b/c I'm sure he fed her ego as much as possible. I'm even more sure, she gave him plenty, as well. He gave her something, apparently, that she wasn't getting from you. I mean, if you had a sexually starved MR, there must have been a reason.
Looking back at your first post on this thread, when you describe your last night in the home. She got all warm and cozy with you, right? She said things that made you scratch your head. According to your last post, she's still saying things that confuse you. Well, this is the arrogance of an wayward wife. None of it makes logical sense, so don't even bother trying. Something else, she has filled you with nothing but b.s. Everything out of her mouth......just consider it b.s. She's not having second thoughts, or changing her feelings for you, or OM. She's hit her stride in wayward country, and she'll play you every which way 24/7.........if you let her. How do you stop her from playing you like a fool? Get the heck out of her life, and stop letting her come into yours. Drop her like a rotten potato and go find yourself a life that doesn't include her. When the gigs fail to provide the excitement with OM they previously had, she'll look you up. Then you can determine if you want to take a chance with her. Btw, what happened in her other two MR's? Just wondering if there is a behavior pattern.
Your biggest problem in the meantime, is you'll want to see some positive sign in absolutely everything she says/does. I'm telling you, straight from the horse's mouth, she'll go running back to you when you dump her and stop giving her the time of day. And, if she's serious about it, she'll stop the game playing, lying, and cheating. If not, then mark it down she isn't serious about saving the M........ she just wants to keep you on the back burner in case her 72 yr old playmate loses his hotness.
Are you working full time? Have hobbies, enjoy particular activities? Do you have buddies who aren't attached to women who are associated with your WW? In other words, someone that wasn't couple friends with you & WW?
Hope you'll stick with us and post often.
Thank you for the insight Sandi2.
There is no doubt, upon reflection, that over the last year, particularly the last six months, we had lost much of our connectedness as she became more focused on the music while I remained home engrossed in my own interests. When she began singing out five years ago I was more of a presence at both rehearsals and at the gigs. We gradually fell into a pattern where we were becoming roommates with less overlap of common interests. She attempted to communicate concerns about our direction on numerous occasions, but for reasons I can't even explain to myself, I didn't sense the true urgency and I wasn't as responsive as I needed to be. I won't be making this mistake ever again. There was clearly a lot of two way validation btw W and OM as I witnessed it myself while the three of us were together. Seemed harmless at the time. I guess I should have been at least a little concerned. And yes, the frequency of sex had fallen below what would have been considered our historical normal. I'm not even sure I was thinking that much about it at the time. Basically I dropped the ball and needed to awaken quickly. Looking back much of this was predictable.
Her first marriage was for 14 years, produced her two children, and ended when her husband had an affair with one of her best friends. This is one of the reasons I'm so shocked over her seemingly out of character behavior. I've known her for 14 years and her personality seems different, the way she talks seems different, she doesn't seem nearly as empathetic as she usually was. Her 2nd husband was rough with her son and she dumped him like a bad habit quickly.
She has made it clear that she firmly believes our marriage is not salvageable and intends to file for divorce. In fact she plans to talk with an atty this week. So I guess I'm getting officially dumped. She says that she emotionally checked out around mid March, which interestingly was concurrent with an intensifying closeness with her septuagenarian guitar maestro friend. She claims that the former occurred at least three weeks before the latter crossed the line. I think there is a lot of grey area here that maybe she herself doesn't realize. She has quickly decided that she has found her gift from God who is the answer to her life's biggest question, one that she had thought had been answered throughout much of our years together. There is no doubt there always was a simpatico btw the two but she's acting like she's in a complete state of euphoria. Typically her nature is more level than this.
Because of COVID19 I'm not currently working full time. I do need to take the opportunity to get back in touch with my independent self, rediscover old interests, and try to get my mind off of this trauma that I never thought in a million years I'd have to deal with.
Thanks again Sandi2 for replying. I've only been here for a few weeks but I've noticed your input on other threads and am always interested in your thoughts.
At some point last week my W, an RN, had a temperature and began a series of tests for the COVID19 virus necessary for a return to work. Her first test came back negative and there was a delay in the results of the 2nd. Ordinarily a cautious person with this sort of thing I was a bit surprised to hear the amount of traveling with the OM she's been doing over the last week around New England. I would doubt she would be getting close to people other than OM who doesn't seem concerned. I also heard that things with the OM are taking off crazy fast as they're talking about getting his & hers tattoos and thinking about selling their properties to buy a nicer waterfront home together. A year ago she wouldn't have had an interest in a tattoo as she always mentioned a preference for not wanting something permanent like that on her skin. The interest in real estate together only a month and a half in to this affair seems rash to say the least. It sounds like the two of them have completely lost their minds.
I wonder how long it will be before this burns out, if it ever does. How many rash decisions will be made that wouldn't have been made if she were not in some temporary state of mind divorced from reason? She seems like a completely different person from the one I knew and loved up until just two months ago. The few times I've talked with her on the phone (I don't call) it sounded like even her voice, and the inflections and cadence of her speech were different. Who is this person? Where the hell is my wife? I'm curious about the state of mind of the OM, a person who had been a friend, and had always seemed a decent enough man. I'm certain she is taking the lead and he's enjoying the ride, for now anyway. Having lost his wife to cancer a year ago he had been lonely and, I think, emotionally vulnerable. Looking back, her interest in him, even when it was only as a friend, seemed unnaturally excessive, almost maternal and protective in a way. I realize this now. I didn't at the time. I have to wonder if the craziness of all of this will give him a moment to stop and think. I'd guess if she perceives him as pulling back even in the slightest she will crash hard. Hard to believe, the same woman who was still emotionally invested in her marriage with me as recent as February while we were enjoying rum runners under a tiki cabana in Miami Beach, telling me how badly she wanted our marriage to work, that we had to work at it, and that she remained hopeful. Then again, I remember her also texting our friend, who was shark fishing off of the FL west coast at the time, wondering if he had caught the big one yet. Each day so much of what has happened comes into a better focus.
So, I had a nice discussion with Coach Chuck yesterday. He said Bob needs to take care of Bob. I need to immediately go to the Last Resort Technique, as ovennw mentioned last week. I need to lovingly DETACH! She needs to realize that her core belief that I can't change may not be true. She needs to know that some of my current activities are not consistent with what she would have expected.etc,etc.
I considered yesterday that I may not love the woman my wife is at the moment. I'm sad because I don't know where the woman I have known for 14 years is at the moment or if she even exists or will ever come back. I will always love that woman and feel bad that along the way I may have let her down. That said, not all of the mistakes that led to our disconnection were mine. But what's done is done, I can't change it, all I can do is look ahead. I really am not sure how patient I can be if things continue as they are now. I can already see where I may care less and less as time goes on without seeing any changes. I have my own life to live, and as Chuck said Bob needs to start taking care of Bob.
I'm sorry you are here. You sound like you have a good grasp of what needs to be done at this point. My situation went fast. Divorced less than three months after BD. XW has been dating a guy for a year (who she was friends with previously, before me). I suspect they were privately dating before the divorce and maybe BD. I have been dating a woman who treats me much better than my XW near the end of our marriage for about 9 months. All I can say is that things do get better. It was an awakening for me. I am a better person, father, employee than I was before. I was coasting through life... taking things for granted. Use this time to better yourself. Lovingly detach. That was the key for me.
I'm sorry you are here. You sound like you have a good grasp of what needs to be done at this point. My situation went fast. Divorced less than three months after BD. XW has been dating a guy for a year (who she was friends with previously, before me). I suspect they were privately dating before the divorce and maybe BD. I have been dating a woman who treats me much better than my XW near the end of our marriage for about 9 months. All I can say is that things do get better. It was an awakening for me. I am a better person, father, employee than I was before. I was coasting through life... taking things for granted. Use this time to better yourself. Lovingly detach. That was the key for me.
Thank You, Harvey Yes I think I had become too comfortable myself and without realizing it had been taking things for granted. I look back over the last half year and wish I had listened to what my gut was telling me, but refused to believe because of how ridiculous it appeared to me on the surface. I feel like an fool. I'm disappointed as I believe if I had not been so trusting of both of them, and had firmly questioned some of the things that seemed off, I may have been able to nip this in the bud and restored love, trust and intimacy to the marriage. Maybe not. We live and learn. Everything is happening so fast it's difficult for my mind to absorb what's happening. MWD's book Divorce Remedy arrived yesterday, apparently, at least 6 months too late.
It appears my divorce will happen within three months of BD as well. It's going to be a challenge to adjust my mind from hoping for a shot at R to accepting the reality of what is staring me in the face and appears inevitable. It's hard to discard 14 years of shared history without a fight, but with such little time available my sitch seems impossible. So I'll try each day to muster up the energy and courage to lovingly detach and improve myself going forward. Thanks again for your nice and encouraging reply.
