Hey DB friends. I haven't been on the boards in a long while. I took some time off from all online activities (the board, social media, etc) just to live in the moment for a bit. Quick update for everyone here. W and I have reconciled and are currently piecing. We have been living together since the end of March and W officially asked me to move in shortly after. NC with AP since that time as well. It's not been an easy road thus far, but we are working through it together. W had gotten to a point of exhaustion with AP. She felt like her AP wanted more from her than she was willing to give.
Piecing is hard work, but we're slowly moving forward together. I still get rather emotional sometimes when we have hard conversations, and she is feeling a lot of shame and dealing with a broken heart. The desire and attraction is not there for her yet but she says she trusts that given time it will come back. There have been a couple of times we have gotten into minor tense moments. Usually, I'll be trying to clean something a certain way or do something and she will snap at me. I'll snap back and things get tense and awkward for a few minutes. I'm still working on controlling myself during those times. It's hard not to want to say hurtful things when we're both snippy (thankfully I haven't). I did lose my cool once during a R talk where I told her it would mean a lot to helping me heal if she would start to get rid of all of the little gifts and such from AP that are still around the house. She responded with "I left her and I'm with you, that should be enough". I snapped back pretty harshly asking if she "wanted a cookie for not sleeping with her girlfriend". Not my best move - but that rush of anger is so hard to push down sometimes.
Anyways, long story short we are doing well and pushing forward. I haven't caught up on everyone's sitch but I sincerely hope you are all doing well. May, I can't wait to read and see how you and H are getting along during quarantine. Yail, end of another semester right? U, I hope you're hanging in there bud and that you and your kiddo are well. IW, are you and waw still living together? I can't wait to get a few minutes and check in with everyone.
All my best,
KG
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Kristin!!! So glad to hear from you and how things are going. I see a lot of similarities in our sitches right now, except that my H doesn't want to talk about the A (he asked that we wait until we're out of quarantine, though when we decided that we thought we'd be done at the end of April and here we are in the middle of May with no meaningful end in sight!).
That "I'm here, that should be enough" was definitely a hallmark of my H's attitude in all of this back when he first broke it off with AP and for some time afterwards. I haven't heard it for a pretty long time now. I also dealt with a lot of my own anger that has cooled quite a bit as well. I just took a look at my thread from when we were 6-ish weeks out from him going NC with AP, and I was dealing with a lot of the same feelings you are now, and seeing similar behaviors from my H. I think your W is probably mourning the loss of the R with her AP.
If my H had gifts or mementos around the house of AP, I'd have a really hard time with that too. I guess that by keeping them out in the open, you can measure the progress she's making by when she decides to toss them (rather than her keeping them as a secret). We had a similar issue with a Spotify playlist he'd shared with AP that he has finally deleted, and I ended up being glad that I hadn't forced the issue earlier on when he wasn't ready.
Anyway, if our sitches follow the same general pattern, I would offer that now three full months (WOW) since my H broke off the A and went NC with AP, I have seen significant improvement in all those areas you're dealing with now. We aren't to where I want to be yet and I'm still working on patience and focusing on what I can control (me), but I definitely do think that time after NC with the AP does really help.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
W had gotten to a point of exhaustion with AP. She felt like her AP wanted more from her than she was willing to give.
That doesn't seem like the best thing really.
Why is her heart broken? Shouldn't she be happy that she got you back?
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I told her it would mean a lot to helping me heal if she would start to get rid of all of the little gifts and such from AP that are still around the house. She responded with "I left her and I'm with you, that should be enough"
I don't think you should tolerate anything like this. Throw that @#$% out! If it hurts your W's feelings so bad then she can leave but why would you subject yourself to these reminders of their affair?
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I snapped back pretty harshly asking if she "wanted a cookie for not sleeping with her girlfriend". Not my best move - but that rush of anger is so hard to push down sometimes.
Not your worst either, and a fair question.
I would go very slowly KG. And keep those expectations low on this. Who knows where her head really is. I hope you are still working on you, still doing some GAL, still growing.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Im no expert so I wont comment on weather or not there are issues but I just want to say as someone newer here that seeing someone at least have progress really helps calm my heart. Maybe there is hope in this world after all. Congrats on the happy moments and progress.
Ww and I began reconciliation attempt in April of this year. She cut contact with AP, asked me to move in, and said that she had to make a decision and felt there would be less regret if she chose me. That if she had chosen AP, she felt that she would feel far more regret about losing me. I don't think either one of us were fully prepared. Our communication improved and we were working toward healing together.
In June, we had an opportunity to buy her childhood home at a great deal with a gift of equity. The decision made sense for us and what our dreams of future would be. We bought the house. At this point, all my chips are on the table. We spent almost all of the money we had saved on renovations and I thought I finally saw light at the end of the tunnel. Moving through it together felt good.
Towards the end of July, AP made contact to let Ww know that she had gotten a job at the same company and didn't want any awkward interactions if they were to bump into one another. This allowed the door to swing wide open. Ww showed me the message and said that she had responded. They started talking frequently (just as friends... barf). I told ww how it was hurtful that they were still in communication and asked that she stop. She refused and said that was not an option and that they aren't going to be together and AP wanted nothing to do with her in that way. Things have only become worse since. They now talk all day, every day. Work chat, texting, and more I'm sure. I don't think they have physically spent any time together, although I don't know for 100%.
Sometime in early September, ww moved into the guest bedroom and said that she wanted space. At first, she said we would exhaust all options before divorcing (therapy included). I made an appointment and now she is saying that she doesn't think it will change anything and we should start talking about divorce.
She says these things, and yet her actions are still wanting to spend our time together, cuddle, plan fun outings, etc. MY actions have been to try and completely distance myself from her rollercoaster. I don't initiate any form of physical touch, I don't assume anything. I have tried to be really ok with just enjoying my own company and having the whole bed to myself (although I hate it lol). I don't regret buying the house and trying to make our marriage work. I think I needed to try.
Now friends, I am at the point of a personal crossroad. I can continue (remaining somewhat emotionally grounded) to live as roommates and let ww live in her crazy cake-eating world. I can try to have patience and continue to improve myself. In the last couple of years, I have grown so much and finally feel like more of myself again. Currently, I am paying the majority of our financial obligations and she is using her paycheck to add to savings and pay off some of her personal debt (truck payment, separation purchases, etc). This doesn't bother me, but I also don't want to live in limbo forever.
I am to the point of not wanting to put my life on hold living in this pain any longer. Therefore, the other option is that I approach ww and let her know that I am taking charge of my life, that I plan to heal and move forward with divorce. The mortgage would be very difficult for her to afford on her own and I don't know that she would be able to refinance the loan into her name with her income. The other option is that I could buy her out of the mortgage. It was her childhood home and isn't going to be a fun discussion as it is a very emotional place for her.
After 2 years of personal agony, when I read through advice and taking a stand for yourself as a betrayed spouse, I understand on such a deep level. All of the 2X4s, all of the pushing people to let go and drop the rope, it resonates. I'm still worlds away from being detached, but I have desire for it which I never had. I want it. I would rather live alone and be happy in my heart, than suffer through this pain and allow someone to make me feel less than valuable. I don't ever want to give someone that control over my self worth again. I haven't quite gotten it back, but I'm moving foward.
Any advice and thoughts are appreciated. May, Yail, CW, & others - I know I haven't responded to your threads, but I've been here quietly watching. Sometimes getting involved made me start to cycle in a negative thought loop so I've stayed silent. I hope everyone is getting through the year and staying safe.
KG
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
As a fellow lesbian, I read through all of your posts in an effort to find common ground from someone in a similar sitch. My W as been involved in an EA with a coworker for over a year. She denies a PA and claims that they are just friends. Refused to give up her "friendship". We are now separated in-house, I got the ILYBANILWYA and don't want to be married anymore. I am working on detachment and trying to figure out what my next step should be. Leaning towards leaving next month.
As someone that is a bit older (50) and 21 years into my R, my best piece of advise is to make a solid decision based on your needs and wants. Is she loving you the way you want to be loved? Is she fulfilling your needs? Are you happy? If the answer is no to any of these questions then step away. I know it is easier said then done. I am still here as well. But the last thing in the world you want is to wake up 10 years from now and find yourself in the same sitch still hoping that it will improve. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and months turn into years.
I've been thinking about you and wondering how things were going. I understand not wanting to post and get involved and what that can do to you mentally. (Wayfarer is taking a break for the same reason.)
I was reading back earlier in this thread and thinking of our timelines. I posted in mid-May that many of the same things you were struggling with six weeks into reconciliation were similar to where my H and I were at that same interval, and that three months in things seemed a lot better. Little did I know that three weeks later I'd get another BD after AP reached out. And it looks like you had a similar trajectory, things seeming a lot better, finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and feeling like you're maybe getting into piecing when AP reaches back out and everything falls apart again in month four. I'm sorry that I couldn't be there to support you through that but know I have been thinking of you all along.
(As an aside, maybe when we are both ready for this, it might be helpful for others if we looked at our sitches and others who had failed R attempts and see where the similarities might be in our spouses' behavior, compared to those who worked it out? Or in our own behavior? I know what vets will say is that we didn't make our Ss try hard enough to get back in, and that could be true. But I'm wondering if there are other signs to look for that could be helpful to others in the future.)
Are you in IC right now? I'm wondering if you've spent time thinking through your boundaries and how to protect yourself first and foremost. It feels so wrong and hurtful for your W to be openly communicating with AP. It really seems to me that you will never be able to have any sort of MR with your W with AP in the picture in any form, friends, contact at all, whatever. Sorry, you don't get to be BFFs with your AP afterwards. It just doesn't work that way.
KG, you sound strong. I think you will have no regrets if you move forward with D. You've done everything humanly possible to stand for your M and at some point you need to take a clear eyed look at your W and whether or not she is capable of being the W you need and deserve. She isn't, right now, and she hasn't been for a long time, though it sounds like you saw glimpses of that W during your reconciliation attempt. Can you erect strong enough boundaries to protect yourself and your hard-won path towards detachment if she remains in the house?
At least before, it seemed like she understood she had to pick one or the other, she couldn't keep cake-eating forever... but is her plan now that she can live in the guest room and cake eat for the rest of your lives together? I think there is a lot of hard introspection and healing and work that needs to take place in the WAS to have a chance at M2.0, and not everyone is capable of it. Maybe your W doesn't have that capacity. Maybe she just has never had enough motivation. But the way she is treating you now and has treated you over the course of all of this is really not OK, not how you treat someone that you love and respect and are MARRIED TO, FFS.
BTW, if your W loses her childhood home because you buy her out or you need to sell it in the D because neither of you can afford to buy the other out, that is on her, not on you. Please don't feel a speck of guilt about any of that.
My advice to you-- get legal counsel, even if you did prior to this, because the house is a big new asset that may complicate things. Understand your rights and work to unravel any remaining fear you have about D. Really look inward and focus on yourself and what you need, what your boundaries should be, how you can protect yourself no matter what happens going forward. And then take a good, hard look at your W, her behaviors, how she is treating you and if you want to continue living with her under the current circumstances. And whatever you decide, know that I support you and care about you.
xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
KG, you sound good. As awful as this is you sound calm and rational. I'm so glad for you. It doesn't make it easy but perhaps it makes it easier.
I hope you find a path for you that you can move forward in. My only advice is this: do not bend yourself backwards to handle any discomfort your ww might feel regarding the house. Consider carefully what is best for you both emotionally and financially, and then advocate for/work towards that. Some things you may get, some you may not. But don't add to your own burden either emotionally or financially just to make it so she does not need to feel pain over her childhood home. That's not yours to carry.
One clarifying question: This savings that WW is able to make - is that in only her name, or is it joint? If it is in only her name I might suggest she start contributing to the household costs more now. Otherwise she's building a nest egg you may have no access to, while you carry an uneven load. If things are not contentious at home now it might be a good time to bring it up and suggest a portion she could contribute.
Because you're married, sure, you could fight for it in court if you end up that route. But honestly, I think the easiest way forward is to spend as little time fighting in court as possible. You can prep for that now in the event it comes to that point.
