Kas, I BEG you to read and really take to heart what Ginger and kml are saying to you. They are wise women with sage advice. You also need to go back and read your responses to them and really think about that. Did you really mean to respond to Ginger that you WOULD throw your kids away for an R or was that a typo and you actually meant you would NOT do that. You need to seriously think about why having a man is important enough to toss your own kids aside. I get that you are still processing and going through your own stuff, but like kml said “let go or be dragged”. The sooner you drop the rope, focus on yourself and your kids and get yourself out of this total doom and gloom hole you keep digging yourself into, the better off you’ll be. You can do for yourself anything a man can do and if you start focusing on a better future now, you won’t have to work until you’re 75 like you keep saying.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
By the way, thank you for your responses to my other questions. I appreciate that you took the time to read and respond and I hope you can think about what people are telling you here and regally take it to heart.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Dawn, I believe that what kas meant was that she recognizes it is not a good thing for her to get involved with a man right now because she would be drawn into focusing on him to the detriment of her children. It's a great thing that she acknowledges that and recognizes it and is not trying to date as a result - she's said many times she realizes she needs to work through her stuff first.
Got it! I misunderstood. And totally agree that kas recognizes her need to work through stuff, which I think we can all agree is a good thing that she does. It is all so tough, kas, and you recognize it isn’t easy but will be worth it in the end. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
So, what did you find your husband provided you with that you cannot provide for yourself? What is it exactly you NEED from a man? Have you actually defined it?
I understand it’s all you’ve ever known and it’s scary. But ask yourself those precise questions . I’m curious with what you come up with
I'm going to write this post from a potentially positive point of view.
The biggie was H provided financial security. We were living a life we couldn't afford yes but it was supposed to get better soon. It's possible I'm delusional and he'd just spend everything we made. I have a lot less financial stress now because of this the only difference is if something big came up I had the means to save for it, living in a safe neighborhood was guaranteed and I could retire at age 65.
H provided for me because that was the deal we made 15 years ago. It was a bad decision on my part but what's done is done. If I do pursue another R it won't be out of need.
Dawn, I believe that what kas meant was that she recognizes it is not a good thing for her to get involved with a man right now because she would be drawn into focusing on him to the detriment of her children. It's a great thing that she acknowledges that and recognizes it and is not trying to date as a result - she's said many times she realizes she needs to work through her stuff first.
Yes this is what I meant. I wouldn't intentionally put a man before my kids but the relief from pain would be hard to resist. Until I can be happy alone this risk will exist.
You're more likely to end up caring for an old sick man! (Says the woman caring for a man with stage 4 lung cancer).
Your family and friends are more likely to be there for you than a man at the end of your life anyway. Work on building those close friendships once this lockdown eases. Nurture your children. And remember your ex would have been crap at taking care of you through a terminal illness anyway.
I suffered from a horrific injury a few years ago and H took care of everything but that's not the same as a terminal illness no.
My MIL was sicker (way sicker) than my FIL but no that is not the norm. She had pancreatic cancer and was able to get the whipple. Had that been me I would have opted not to seek treatment beyond pain management. That choice would have meant a whole lot less care and expense. In her case though she did have the means for top notch care which I likely won't have. My coworkers mom has pancreatic cancer (dad already gone). She did seek treatment which has put a burden on her kids which is why I won't do that.
I ordered some ink yesterday so I can make a vision board.
Took S19 to get his hair cut yesterday. He's special needs but due to covid he had to go it alone. We sat in the car for 1.5 hours and that gave me time to walk him through what to do. H would have accused me of coddling him. It seemed to give S19 a boost of confidence and he followed me around the house for several hours afterwards to talk. He's so adorable.
D17 was also chatty so the 3 of us had a good night and it's a night that would have never...ever happened while H was still here. I've been trying to hold onto those memories because when I do it's we are all better off without him.
Today is my birthday and I got texts at 2am from both girls. D17 has her days and nights mixed up so she's usually up until 3-4am. Today she decided to stay up until 7am to wish me a happy birthday in person.
I suffered from a horrific injury a few years ago and H took care of everything
Was he really there for you though? This racist difficult guy, was he the super caring person you would hope for to take care of you in such a situation, or did he just manage to keep things running?
I ask because you have accepted so little from this guy, it's hard to picture him being the companion one would really want at your side during a crisis. And I think you might not know what that kind of loving care would look like?
And stop wandering off into imaginary cancer futures, ok? Should such a terrible thing happen (and hopefully it won't) you will get good care and you and your children will make the best decisions at that time. Stop horribilizing.
BTW my ex was crap at taking care of me when I was sick. Like, if I was sick in bed with the stomach flu, I'd be lucky if he popped his head in once during the day with tea and toast. He never tried to understand what I was struggling with with my Graves disease. And I always assumed that if I ever got a terrible disease like cancer that I wouldn't really be able to count on him.
On the other hand, I know that most of the guys I have dated since my divorce would STILL show up for me if I needed them in a crisis. Just goes to show what we get lulled into accepting in our marriages.
