Ok folks, been lurking for a while, finally decided to post. Dated 8 years, Married in 2010. no kids. Me 49, W 39.I Started coming to terms with childhood abuse from my Mother around 2015. Munchausen by proxy, beatings, gaslighting, covert sexual abuse yada yada yada. had been using weed to mask problems for years. Took wife for granted and ignored warning signs including possible EA.
I Started therapy Nov 2019, greatly improved my thoughts and quit weed. Got BD mid-Nov citing weed use and not feeling validated through a lack of dating and my unfilled potential "Death by a thousand cuts". I responded with some pleading to reconsider but ended with "I would rather we didn't but if that is what you want then so be it, I want to see you happy."
W moved out for a month, then moved back in "for a bit" she sleeps in the spare room, no physical contact. We spent Christmas together on friendly terms. I may have super-husbanded a bit and tried to organize a date mid-Jan, She Reiterated her desire to separate although wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do but still had the intention of moving out and we discussed asset split. We continued to get on in friendly terms. Taking turns to cook and watching tv together in the evenings. I did not pursue, pressure or pine and got on with activities but have had problems sleeping.
Jan passed, Feb passed, March passed with me expecting her to move out at any moment and then the COVID hit. Just a lockdown was announced she told me that because of finances she would not move out until it ended and still wanted to Divorce. I had a touch of mild explaining but bookended it with" If that is what makes you happy then so be it". Since then we have spent every day in the house both working from home. We take turns cooking for each other I allow her to initiate 80% of the conversations I remain upbeat she laughs at my jokes. I Give her space and do not mention R.
Last edited by job; 05/13/2006:03 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs for easier reading
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
From what ii have read on here in house separation is not recommended, I can understand why. What I have been mulling over is when estate agents get up and running again, I approach W with a line borrowed from Homer McDonald. " I would prefer our marriage to work, but you are right it's totally impossible. So I'll help you find an apartment and help you move out." Thoughts?
It sounds like you are doing pretty well with DB'ing, I take it you've read the book? I don't really see anything there that jumps out. You're in IC, you're giving her time and space, no R talks, keeping the road home paved and smooth, letting her talk while you listen. It all sounds good. Is there anything you need help with?
From what ii have read on here in house separation is not recommended, I can understand why. What I have been mulling over is when estate agents get up and running again, I approach W with a line borrowed from Homer McDonald. " I would prefer our marriage to work, but you are right it's totally impossible. So I'll help you find an apartment and help you move out." Thoughts?
If you like to read then after DR I would suggest "Love Must be Tough". Dobson talks about "opening the cage door" which is very much in line with DB'ing. Your W may perceive you as having been controlling and manipulating (even if you weren't). So if you try to force her in a certain direction, then that just looks like "more of the same" behavior to her. You've got to step back and let her choose what she wants to do. She's welcome to leave, she's welcome to stay. You'll support her decision either way. That needs to be your mantra. WAS's feel trapped in a cage, so you have to show them the cage door is open. If the door is open then sometimes they decide they don't need to leave after all.
Dobson's approach is along these lines- "I would rather you stay and work on the M, but I understand you don't want that. I will not stand in your way, regardless of whether you stay or go I will support and respect your decision." It's similar to McDonald's except without the demand that she move out.
Ok folks, been lurking for a while, finally decided to post. Dated 8 years, Married in 2010. no kids. Me 49, W 39.I Started coming to terms with childhood abuse from my Mother around 2015. Munchausen by proxy, beatings, gaslighting, covert sexual abuse yada yada yada. had been using weed to mask problems for years. Took wife for granted and ignored warning signs including possible EA. I Started therapy Nov 2019, greatly improved my thoughts and quit weed. Got BD mid-Nov citing weed use and not feeling validated through a lack of dating and my unfilled potential "Death by a thousand cuts". I responded with some pleading to reconsider but ended with "I would rather we didn't but if that is what you want then so be it, I want to see you happy." W moved out for a month, then moved back in "for a bit" she sleeps in the spare room, no physical contact. We spent Christmas together on friendly terms. I may have super-husbanded a bit and tried to organize a date mid-Jan, She Reiterated her desire to separate although wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do but still had the intention of moving out and we discussed asset split. We continued to get on in friendly terms. Taking turns to cook and watching tv together in the evenings. I did not pursue, pressure or pine and got on with activities but have had problems sleeping. Jan passed, Feb passed, March passed with me expecting her to move out at any moment and then the COVID hit. Just a lockdown was announced she told me that because of finances she would not move out until it ended and still wanted to Divorce. I had a touch of mild explaining but bookended it with" If that is what makes you happy then so be it". Since then we have spent every day in the house both working from home. We take turns cooking for each other I allow her to initiate 80% of the conversations I remain upbeat she laughs at my jokes. I Give her space and do not mention R.
This sounds like you are doing mostly the right things. I won't beat you up over the mild explaining, as you know based on your wording that it wasn't what you should do.
Here is the thing Tusk, you got a gift! The gift of time! So keep focusing on you. GAL (there are ways to do this even in lock down: workout, go for walks, read, stay busy and doing your own thing). 180 on bad behavior. You got a headstart on this already, keep it up. Become the best Tusk you can be. Life dealt you tough circumstances but your past doesn't define you unless you let it! You can move on from the past, or be stuck in it! Keep moving on from it!! And finally keep working on detachment. Get it closer to 100% of her initiating conversation. GAL above will help with that. When she cooks for you, thank her. When you cook, make what YOU want, and leave her some if she wants it. Stop making it a joint thing all the time.
Finally Tusk, you mention an EA.Where did she go when she left for a month? My guess? To OM's place. After a month it wasn't all puppy tails and rainbows, so she moved back. You likely have a Wayward Wife, not just a WAW. This means you need to watch for cake eating. She is sleeping in the guest room, good! She should. She is the one that wants to leave, do not cater to her.
So look at this lock down as a blessing in disguise. Yes it is painful, but it was painful the month she was gone too, wasn't it? Focus on you, become the best version of you that you can be. Become the man only a complete idiot would leave.
You've got this Tusk!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
From what ii have read on here in house separation is not recommended, I can understand why. What I have been mulling over is when estate agents get up and running again, I approach W with a line borrowed from Homer McDonald. " I would prefer our marriage to work, but you are right it's totally impossible. So I'll help you find an apartment and help you move out." Thoughts?
No. Let her make that decision. Look at IHS as the gift of time. I was IHS. It can work.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If you like to read then after DR I would suggest "Love Must be Tough". Dobson talks about "opening the cage door" which is very much in line with DB'ing. Your W may perceive you as having been controlling and manipulating (even if you weren't). So if you try to force her in a certain direction, then that just looks like "more of the same" behavior to her. You've got to step back and let her choose what she wants to do. She's welcome to leave, she's welcome to stay. You'll support her decision either way. That needs to be your mantra. WAS's feel trapped in a cage, so you have to show them the cage door is open. If the door is open then sometimes they decide they don't need to leave after all.
Dobson's approach is along these lines- "I would rather you stay and work on the M, but I understand you don't want that. I will not stand in your way, regardless of whether you stay or go I will support and respect your decision." It's similar to McDonald's except without the demand that she move out.
Thank you Another Stander, yes I now think this would be a better approach/attitude. I do have it in my mind that she is free to go if she wants to but would love to have us work.
Quote
Here is the thing Tusk, you got a gift! The gift of time! So keep focusing on you. GAL (there are ways to do this even in lockdown: workout, go for walks, read, stay busy, and doing your own thing). 180 on bad behavior. You got a headstart on this already, keep it up. Become the best Tusk you can be. Life dealt you tough circumstances but your past doesn't define you unless you let it! You can move on from the past, or be stuck in it! Keep moving on from it!! And finally keep working on detachment. Get it closer to 100% of her initiating conversation. GAL above will help with that. When she cooks for you, thank her. When you cook, make what YOU want, and leave her some if she wants it. Stop making it a joint thing all the time.
Finally, Tusk, you mention an EA. Where did she go when she left for a month? My guess? To OM's place. After a month it wasn't all puppy tails and rainbows, so she moved back. You likely have a Wayward Wife, not just a WAW. This means you need to watch for cake eating. She is sleeping in the guest room, good! She should. She is the one that wants to leave, do not cater to her.
So look at this lockdown as a blessing in disguise. Yes it is painful, but it was painful the month she was gone too, wasn't it? Focus on you, become the best version of you that you can be. Become the man only a complete idiot would leave.
You've got this Tusk!
Thank you Steve85 I will implement your advice. With regards to where did she go during the month she was gone. She stayed with her sister and her husband and initiated contact with me a lot of the time while gone. She now has little or no contact with possible EA (he was a work colleague who moved to a new job) and known to be a serial flirt.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by Tusk
From what ii have read on here in house separation is not recommended, I can understand why. What I have been mulling over is when estate agents get up and running again, I approach W with a line borrowed from Homer McDonald. " I would prefer our marriage to work, but you are right it's totally impossible. So I'll help you find an apartment and help you move out." Thoughts?
No. Let her make that decision. Look at IHS as the gift of time. I was IHS. It can work.
Yeah, you are right. I had half thought this might jolt her to change her mind.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/14/2001:48 PM. Reason: fix quote html
Yeah, you are right. I had half thought this might jolt her to change her mind.
Glad to see you being honest with yourself about this. Be very careful with manipulation attempts. Many a LBS has done something like this only to push their WAS out of the door and into a D faster, then regretted it. We have a saying around here: When she wants to reconcile you will know. When she doesn't, you will be confused.
You won't have to look for it, it will be obvious if she wants to reconcile. So don't do anything except be the lighthouse! Let her come to you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have spent the last week allowing W to initiate nearly all conversations. Days have consisted of me arising at 8 am and making a cup of tea for myself and W . W will arise about 8.45 and make coffee for both of us and breakfast then both of us will start working, me in the living room and W in a small office upstairs.
At around 11 W will make tea and tell me about her work. Around 1 she will normally make lunch, eat it in the living room and talk about her work. I will listen and validate her frustrations. She may share with me a couple of more times during the afternoon and then go for a walk. At some point, I will also Go out for a walk. Most evening meals are prepared by her, 5 out of 7.
Evenings We will both watch tv and chat about the COVID etc. With her going to bed around 10.30 I will stay up til 11.30 Normally waking around 4.30 when the mind Monkeys start Dancing.
All interactions are positive, she asks me my opinion on things. Sometimes To me she is acting as if nothing has happened apart from we no longer share a bed. It almost feels as if we are still in a relationship as man and wife. During the week she bought a new rug for the living room and yesterday took delivery of a new mattress for the bed she is sleeping on. I had a massive urge to say "why don't you just come and sleep in our room." But I didn't. I don't know why but the mattress thing threw me a bit.
I have been trying to detach by telling myself Well if you want to go it will be your loss.
