1) you need to change that thinking. You don’t need a man to take care of you.
2) there is no reason to ever toss your kids aside for a man. In a healthy relationship, you wouldn’t be tossing your kids aside.
You don’t need a man to take care of you. Drill that into your own head. And having a relationship with another man when you are healthy would never require tossing your kids aside
So, what did you find your husband provided you with that you cannot provide for yourself? What is it exactly you NEED from a man? Have you actually defined it?
I understand it’s all you’ve ever known and it’s scary. But ask yourself those precise questions . I’m curious with what you come up with
look, you've already established that your ex is not a nice person and he's not somebody you actually want back in your life - heck, even your kids don't really think much of him.
You need to post a note on your mirror to remind you that when you're feeling this pain it's NOT because you miss him. It's because this is stirring up all your old childhood stuff that you need to heal from.
You also need to repeat positive affirmations EVERY DAY. You have spent SO long telling yourself negative things about yourself that weren't true. You need to start telling yourself positive stuff about yourself. I don't care how ridiculous it feels, just do it. Every morning look in the bathroom mirror and repeat your positive affirmations.
My ex had a very negative voice in his head and it spilled out into criticism onto others. I realized that for me, as a generally happy person, it's the opposite. I might look in the mirror and think "Hmmm, I've gained weight and mt thighs are fat- but hey, now I've got nice boobs! Way to go!" I think I'm realistic but not hard on myself - I generally like myself and feel capable and competent in my life - if anything, I probably read too many Pollyanna-ish stories as a child about plucky heroines triumphing against the odds.
I know it's not easy when the negative patterns imprinted by your family of origin and your STBX are overwhelming you - but you need to start training yourself to say nice things to yourself. to nurture that little child in you who didn't hear the supportive things from the people you should have. You wouldn't talk to your kids the way you talk to yourself, right? So put those positive affirmations up on your mirror and repeat them every day.
And make that vision board and put it where you see it every day! Don't underestimate the power of envisioning a positive future for yourself.
Years ago someone was teaching me to ride a dirt bike motorcycle. His advice was - don't look where you don't want to go. If you stare at the ditch you'll end up in the ditch. Keep your eyes on the path.
Instead of repeatedly envisioning yourself as a bent and impoverished old woman, picture yourself as a confident, athletic, artistic, resourceful woman living a life of love and adventure.
1) you need to change that thinking. You don’t need a man to take care of you.
Ugh what happens when I get old and sick??
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2) there is no reason to ever toss your kids aside for a man. In a healthy relationship, you wouldn’t be tossing your kids aside.
Until I get healthy I will absolutely toss my kids aside for an R. I imagine I'm like an alcoholic who can't work in a bar. It would start out innocent enough. A profile on OLD, a couple of dates, land an avoidant who of course love bombs me and before I know I'm no different than H blowing off the kids to feed my own ego.
say You are old and married, but your H gets old and sick and dies first? Then you get sick? What do you do? Go out and find another old and sick man to take care of you?
You have 3 kids. They won’t let you just die. And you should absolutely be preparing for your old age. I work with old sick people. Some who are married, some who are widowed, etc. even the ones who are married, the emergency contact are the kids, grandkids, etc. and I can tell you, preparing properly when you are younger will save your a lot of trouble.
And you are certainly in no place for another R if you could see all of that happening. That shouldn’t even be on your radar now. Getting healthy should be your absolute number one focus .
And make that vision board and put it where you see it every day! Don't underestimate the power of envisioning a positive future for yourself.
Years ago someone was teaching me to ride a dirt bike motorcycle. His advice was - don't look where you don't want to go. If you stare at the ditch you'll end up in the ditch. Keep your eyes on the path.
Instead of repeatedly envisioning yourself as a bent and impoverished old woman, picture yourself as a confident, athletic, artistic, resourceful woman living a life of love and adventure.
D17 and I have made boards on pinterest but we've discussed making actual boards that we see each day. I need more ink and a board of some kind. It would be fun.
I imagine living like my grandmother did one day. She had very little but her health was excellent and the universe always provided. She was happy with whatever she was given. She is my inspiration. I figure if she can do it so can I.....I'm just going to have to work for it I know.
Quote 1) you need to change that thinking. You don’t need a man to take care of you.
Ugh what happens when I get old and sick??
You're more likely to end up caring for an old sick man! (Says the woman caring for a man with stage 4 lung cancer).
Your family and friends are more likely to be there for you than a man at the end of your life anyway. Work on building those close friendships once this lockdown eases. Nurture your children. And remember your ex would have been crap at taking care of you through a terminal illness anyway.
say You are old and married, but your H gets old and sick and dies first? Then you get sick? What do you do? Go out and find another old and sick man to take care of you?
Good point. lol When my kids call me out on things like this I say "true". I concede that in that moment I'm being ridiculous.
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You have 3 kids. They won’t let you just die. And you should absolutely be preparing for your old age. I work with old sick people. Some who are married, some who are widowed, etc. even the ones who are married, the emergency contact are the kids, grandkids, etc. and I can tell you, preparing properly when you are younger will save your a lot of trouble.
My current plan is to take care of my health and save, save, save. What else can I do?
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And you are certainly in no place for another R if you could see all of that happening. That shouldn’t even be on your radar now. Getting healthy should be your absolute number one focus .
Oh I so should not have anything to do with men right now. lol
