I haven't followed along on your sitch so I don't know where you are in the custody process, but it's very common to have an agreement to not have any OP's sleep over or be around the kids. It's not healthy for them to have to adapt to a new person so quickly, and it's likely there will be a stream of new persons.
I agree that you can do nothing outside of court and that the high road is better but I would get it in the custody agreement. Not to protect you,though it will. To protect your S. Your fears of danger are correct. I know we are not to blame the OW but each of them and both together are still dangerous -- emotionally. And spiritually. As long as you are keeping the focus on the child's mental health and not making it about you. And even if wonderful people could do what they did and thus there was a potential for them to be the greatest people ever and the best company for a child, your child needs time to adjust to any new normal. He needs to bond with his dad, not El Floozita. May22's point above is exactly how I always felt about the OW sleeping over when my D is with her dad TWO NIGHTS PER MONTH -- what kind of woman would be that insensitive to show up on those nights? My D even asked her dad if they could just be alone when she sees him and he said, "I can't kick her out! Don't you want me to be happy?" Our OW is still married and has two young kids, so she certainly has somewhere else to be!
Whatever you do, make sure you keep a record of each and everything that happens. Keep it totally objective, just describing. I assure you, you will need it. After the D is over, you will have a lot more power in family court, and you will need a record of everything that happened to show that only one parent is putting the child's needs first.
Also I don't want to scare you, but this kind of stuff gets worse as they get older. My D is 11 and a bit portly and her dad is now regularly commenting on her weight -- e.g., "Your legs are looking good, it's just your belly you have to work on." And "I want you to be thin because I want those boys to just go after you!" is another regular one. I am just trying to get this divorce done so I can get into family court and get this stuff into the narrative. I am hoping my H will have to get supervised visits until he learns how to stop body shaming at least! Pipe dream but point is, you need the power of family court, which is more a post-divorce thing, depending on your divorce judge.
Last edited by Gerda; 04/26/2011:03 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Good God. I can’t image how hard that was for you. I see red and my heart starts to race just seeing a photo of my El Floozita. (Gem) Kudos to you for remaining calm for S2. May22 was right. There is something wrong with the both of them. Sane people know and act better. I’m sorry you have to deal with all this. You are a strong, capable woman.
On deeper examination, hurt isn’t the right description of how I feel. It makes me feel uneasy. Unsafe. Exposed. Embarrassed. Invisible. Insecure.
I understand the answer will be ‘do nothing because there’s nothing you can do about it’. So in the absence of any possible action, I suppose I’m just looking for validation and empathy.
You are of course correct. There is nothing you can force STBXH to do.
You do have many possible actions, different paths you could take. kml pointed a few out to you. You are right that most of those are not worthy of you or your time and effort. Continue to stick it the high road.
Choosing to do nothing is doing something. That is an action. That is a choice.
Therein lay your power.
You are S2’s mother. You define and choose what kind of Mom, and person, you are going to be! Not STBXH. Not OW.
Control. You control you, your thoughts, your actions and reactions.
I completely empathize with your feelings - Unsafe. Exposed. Embarrassed. Invisible. Insecure. It is more than just hurt, isn’t it?
Work through those feelings. Allow them to wither. They are after all, fleeting.
Recognize the coupling of your feeling and the trigger. I am sure you do not feel invisible all the time, just when OW is shoved in your face. When the smell of her perfume sets your mind wandering. See this and detach. Rationalizing your reactions will uncouple the feelings.
The power and control you gain from traversing this path makes all this heartache and suffering worthwhile. In my opinion you are walking an excellent path. Hold your head high and realize who you are. Live Her!
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi (((Scout))). I'm sorry you have to deal with this. And bravo for taking the high road. I like what DnJ said, "Choosing to do nothing is doing something. That is an action. That is a choice".
Who knows why XH does this. Either way, you are being the adult here. Don’t waste time thinking about why. It's not you.
So, what about next time? How can you prepare to not care? I think you'll figure it out. And maybe it'll stng a bit less as time goes on. There will come a time when you don't care. XH is dropping S off. Think about your kiddo more. I'm putting myself in yout place. At least your XH has visits. It might not be perfect, but your childs father is still in the picture.
You got this momma! ((( )))
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Scout - if you haven't read Ginger's threads in the Surviving the Big D section, you should. Her husband started his affair with the OW while Ginger was pregnant after fertility treatments! He left her with an infant and married the OW. Her daughter is a young teen (preteen?) now and G has managed all these years to have a civil relationship with her ex and his wife for the sake of her daughter. She still hates it but she bucked up and put her daughter first (I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have had the intestinal fortitude to do so, but I'm impressed that she did.) If you want a peek at what that good outcome might look like check her thread.
May - thank you for your heartening comments. I think your assessment of his intentions is correct, unfortunately. As for OW, here's what I know about her. She's 21. She was one of XH's employees but has since gotten a new job. Her nickname at work was Sourpuss (lol). She broke up with her long-term high school boyfriend as soon as XH left me. She was not loyal to her ex-BF and apparently tried to sleep with every other male employee before she got to XH. She's very active on social media and appears quite thirsty, as the kids say these days. I blocked them both yonks ago, but my friends say there's no trace of XH on her social media or vice versa. It's all very juvenile and dramatic, and I'm guessing her presence lately is more of the same. If I was being kind, I'd say she doesn't understand the magnitude of her involvement in this situation because she simply doesn't have enough life experience. If I was being realistic, I'd say she knows exactly how sh!tty she is and simply doesn't care. Reality is probably somewhere in between.
Haha kml, stop giving me ideas. I do thank my lucky stars on a daily basis that I'm not quarantined with XH. No whinging about being bored, no disappearing into video games for hours, no ignoring me or S2, no leaving his dirty clothes and dishes all around the house. Shudder. If XH was here, I wouldn't be alone, but I'd be lonely.
I did think about approaching her for a friendly chat. "Hi OW. Thanks for being kind to my kid. Also, thanks for taking this lying, cheating, abusive, deadbeat loser out of my life. You've got your work cut out for you so good luck. Personally I think you're out of his league. When you come to the same conclusion, give me a call. Or you know where to find me. Hugs!" Just kidding...
Gerda - El Floozita, haha! See my comments to May above which might give more clues about OW's thought process. Thanks for your advice. I'm sorry your H is being so damaging to your D at such a crucial point in her development. That's just awful. I don't think the same rules for introducing new partners apply here, unfortunately. My solicitor has told me I have no say over who spends time with S2 when he's with his dad. And that's not really my issue - it's that he's bringing her to my house. Here, consent orders for parenting are totally separate to divorce proceedings, so they can be handled anytime. XH is currently refusing to come to the table to modify our existing arrangement, which is fine with me.
MissnM - thanks for your kind words. It was pretty hard to stay calm because it was such a shock. I had actually joked about him having the audacity to bring his OW to my house, and not even a week later he did! Yuck!
DnJ - sage advice as per usual. Thank you. I do have control over myself and I won't allow XH or OW to bait me into betraying my own character, my own beliefs, my own standards. My feelings did stay with me for a bit and then withered away. Do you know that Native American parable about feeding the wolf you feed? Well, I chose not to feed the wolf. Choosing to do nothing lets the good wolf win.
Quote
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Canbird - thanks for the hugs. You're right, it will get easier as time goes on and I will train myself to not care. She was in the car this morning and it was a non-event (like the previous two times, but this time I didn't feel upset about it). Someone IRL told me to aim for the level of nonchalance where XH and OW could go at it like jackrabbits on my front verandah and I'd smile and wave and offer them a condom! Haha! Let's hope that never happens...
kml - I hadn't visited The Big D board, so thanks for introducing me. Found your thread too. I've been reading Ginger's old threads back to last year. Ginger, if you're reading - you have a wonderful, full, thriving life and you're an inspiration. I can't see myself having the kind of relationship with XH/OW that you do, but maybe you said the same thing back in the day. I'd be interested to find out if your D knows that XH had an affair with OW? As the topic of 'telling the kids' has been on my mind lately. I'll keep reading and maybe I'll find out
... You're right, it will get easier as time goes on and I will train myself to not care. She was in the car this morning and it was a non-event (like the previous two times, but this time I didn't feel upset about it). Someone IRL told me to aim for the level of nonchalance where XH and OW could go at it like jackrabbits on my front verandah and I'd smile and wave and offer them a condom! Haha! Let's hope that never happens...
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I'm SO glad to hear you did not feel upset and it was a "non-event"! THAT A GIRL!
Keep on Keeping ON
You got this!
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
It's Tuesday morning and my financial settlement is booked for today. XH loses the house and I lose a lot of money. There was a last minute hiccup with the mortgage documents on Friday, and yesterday was a public holiday which slowed things down, so please keep your fingers crossed for me that by 5pm today, I will be legally disentangled!
I emailed XH to say I'd be spending Mother's Day with S2 this Sunday and offered him a switch for next weekend. He replied that he wanted to switch for this Saturday instead to take S2 to his sister's birthday. That's fine with me, but what about social distancing? His sister has a newborn and his parents would be going as well, so that's three households/nine people in one place (assuming he takes OW as well). The current restrictions say two households/no more than two additional people in one place. I think I'm going to agree to avoid trouble, but what do you guys think?
Glad the settlement is nearing completion. And fingers are crossed for a smooth disentanglement.
As for the switching of days and the extra people. I’d agree.
Yeah, OW will probably be there, so it’s nine people. The plus side is he is actually telling you. He could just go and not let you know. It’s best sometimes to not rock the boat. This sounds like one of those times.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You are right that most of those are not worthy of you or your time and effort. Continue to stick it the high road.