The thing with me, him and his phone is a long complicated story. If he’s spending all his free time with her and she wants reassuring frequent contact when he’s away this won’t end well for either of them. I’m proof this type R can go on for a long time but it’s miserable for everyone. Been there done that.
Why is your focus on what he’s doing on his phone, with who and why??? And why are your kids involved in all that?
Take a breath and think about it. You are obsessing over his phone habits. When you start this, you need to throw up that big STOP sign and do something to refocus yourself.
It’s not healthy for you or your kids . All of you have better things in your lives rather than concern yourself with his phone and his OW blowing it up.
Fine yourself an activity every time your mind goes that way. Stop yourself and do an exercise. Or knit. Or cook something. Because this is getting you nowhere than spiraling down. And this is not good for your kids to join in the obsessions or convo.
He sleeps a lot, zones out in front of the tv with a tall glass of vodka,
Why doesn’t his alcoholism play a bigger role in the story you tell?
I didn't think he was an alcoholic. He was never a big drinker because of work and his mom was an alcoholic. He stopped caring about his job and discovered flavored vodka. His 3 ounces with a mixer turned into 8 ounces straight. It was a slow creep and he never appeared drunk. One night I counted his drinks and expressed my concern. He told me it was none of my business and that was the end of that.
At the BD he said I was the reason he drank and I believed him. He's been gone a year though and as of December (my girls stopped talking about it) he was drinking more than ever. They told me there were empty bottles everywhere. I blew this off as he's just living the single life that eventually he'd chill and go back to drinking water because you know this is all my fault...ugh.
Not your fault. And a guy drinking 8 oz of vodka straight is much more likely to be an alcoholic than not.
Were there alcoholics in your family? Sometimes people who are used to being around alcoholics don't see the red flags.
My father was a redneck beer drinker. I’ve been fetching him beers since I was 5 and for an extra treat I got the first swig. He was never visibly drunk either. My parents got addicted to gambling when I was in my late 20s and that’s when my mom started drinking. Not at home just at the casinos.
People who know my family think I’m adopted but that’s just because I’m educated.
Why is your focus on what he’s doing on his phone, with who and why??? And why are your kids involved in all that?
Fine yourself an activity every time your mind goes that way. Stop yourself and do an exercise. Or knit. Or cook something. Because this is getting you nowhere than spiraling down. And this is not good for your kids to join in the obsessions or convo.
D14 was scared so she called D17. I’m sitting right there so in a split second I’m in it and mood drops faster than I can catch it. I’m crying so S19 (almost 20) asked what happened and I told him. Now he’s in it. I haven’t recovered from his divorce offer yet (11 days).
Just because someone doesn’t appear drunk, doesn’t mean they’re not an alcoholic. There are many high functioning alcoholics who never appear the least bit intoxicated. But, I’m sure you already knew all that. I agree with everything kml and Ginger posted earlier. Focus on something, ANYTHING, other than your STBXH. And don’t engage your kids in discussions about him. I know that can be difficult, particularly when kids are older and more aware of things, but like Ginger said, it doesn’t help you or them. I really feel for you but you sometimes seem to not only get down about it (understandably so) but just seem to wallow in how horrible your life is and how much better his is (presumably). You mentioned in a post recently that you have $300 after paying bills. That’s a LOT more than some. Plus you have a house, a job, food, a good relationship with your kids. You have a lot of blessings, which I know is hard to see from the inside. I read something when I was going through my own D that said that it is ok to get down and even wallow a little but if it helps you pick yourself up and move forward but be careful not to unpack and live there. I thought that was outstanding advice.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I'm stuck on he gets his happily ever after yet I'm aware he wasn't happy before. As Ginger said we're both doing the exact same thing which is chasing outward happiness and self medicating unhappiness. I'm reading and rereading the Book of Now. The concept is all we have is the present moment and that if we can't be content with what we have then we will won't be content with anything else either.
Yes he says we will feel happiness over say getting a new SO but eventually we drift back to our original state. He says most peoples changes are superficial at best and history will most likely repeat itself.
I get all this I just can't get it to stick hence why I keep wallowing.
I get that you are stuck on him getting his happily ever after. I just can’t figure out why that is your focus. It seems so terribly counterproductive to your healing. Getting a new SO or focusing on what is going on with your H is not going to help you move forward. I hope I am not sounding harsh because I do truly feel bad for the hurt you feel. I just don’t think focusing on comparing your situation and all that you feel it lacks to his situation and how much better you PRESUME it is is going to get you anywhere but driving yourself crazy. You can only control you. Another old saying I have seen many times that served me quite well through my own D is the one about holding a grudge allows someone to live in your head rent-free. Honey, kick that b@st@rd out of your head and focus on being the best version of yourself you’ve ever been. You got this!!!!!!!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
