[I think my new 180 is to let Eldest and H work things out between themselves. They have a pretty terrible relationship at the moment and they both like to blame me for that. I guess the more I get in the way, the more they can take things out on me or expect me to improve things rather than looking at their own conduct. So I am stepping back entirely. It's also an act of self preservation: I am extremely stretched and stressed right now (as is everyone during this crisis) and I don't have any mental bandwidth for dealing with H's immaturity and Eldest's teenage tantrums.
Hi Alison, I think this is a good call. In some sense, you stepping into their difficulties is enabling both of them to continue without acknowledging the other person or taking a look at their own behavior-- it all becomes a reflection of what Mom said or did or thinks. Not having teens I don't have any experience with that dynamic, but at least in general my only caution would be that it may get worse before it gets better between them, and it may be really difficult for you to continue to stay out of it. I think that you framing this for yourself as self-preservation to not get involved could really help you in this, but I do think you might need to steel yourself for some worse behavior from both of them before they can start to really listen to each other and work it out. (Also... do you think they have the tools to succeed at this? Not that that would change your approach, but just wondering how likely they are to be successful at working this out alone.)
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Yes, I wondered that myself, May - if it would get worse. And if, given the other circumstances, I could actually cope with it getting worse right now. But as it happens, it's been very peaceful this past couple of days and they've actually spent some nice time together walking the dog - which hasn't happened in months. I wonder if their conflict was more to do with me or them wanting me to intervene than it was to do with each other. I don't know. It's early days yet. And I would have said, in answer to your second question - that no, I didn't think that either of them had the skills (or humility) to look at their own behaviour and make changes, rather than carry on pointing the finger at the other. That may be true - or I may be wrong - but either way, I can't really do anything about that right now. I guess doing nothing and taking a huge dose of the STFU soup is the best thing to do right now.
But when I zoom out from this one issue, actually, things in the house are going very well. H is working so hard, and is making such sacrifices and taking such risks to his health, and also going above and beyond domestically too - and I am seeing him take such care with Youngest's education, and being very attentive to what we all need. I guess I see, more than ever, and have learned to 'hear' that his love language is 'acts of service' and we are as a family badly in need of those.
I am having to learn - again - to let up on my controlling ways. I have such a lot of fear for the kids, and their education, and have been rushing them into home learning and online courses, etc. H seems a lot less fear-driven and more willing to just take each day as it comes. I'm learning to value that: he has a confidence in his parenting instincts (the bad side of that is a kind of inflexibility or unwillingness to review a decision and change course) that makes him a calmer pair of hands in a crisis, whereas I'm always second guessing myself (and the good side of that is flexibility, and a willingness to accept feedback and admit I am wrong) and chopping and changing and flapping about. I do think that on the whole we are balancing each other out much better, and part of that his him being gentler, and me being more assertive.
Wow, Alison. That reframing of the positive sides to his less flexible parenting style and the negative parts of your own flexibility... that feels very profound to me. And that you are balancing each other out and learning to take what serves you from the other's style... wow. I think that is amazing. And glad to hear that things are generally going so well both in the house across the board and between your H and eldest. It is really encouraging. Maybe the silver lining to the craziness going on in the world is that the crisis is pushing you all (eldest included!)-- whether because of the enforced togetherness or the sense of the weight and enormity of what is going on-- to get through some of the issues that had been there in the past.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Hi Alison, I hope things are still going ok with your H and between him and eldest! Now it's the school holidays maybe your anxiety will lessen. I've been surprised how well my kids have adapted to a very strange situation, but I have always trusted them to do their best at schoolwork and also that most of their learning takes place out of school (the stuff they know from the internet astonishes me daily!) It's good to see you valuing some of the differences between you and H, I think that is vital for any M. And also good to see you working on yourself, well done x
Eldest has been very difficult the past couple of days - Youngest too, actually. They are both finding this very hard, and I am finding it hard to get a balance between supporting their home learning and also getting my own work done. Youngest is not so young that she can't be left alone to entertain herself for a couple of hours, but seems to choose those times to deliberately get into trouble / make a mess / aggravate Eldest...
Eldest spent two days in the same nightwear, wouldn't wash, wouldn't do anything except stare at a screen or growl aggressively and belligerently at any interruption. Sometimes I find him very hard to like. I try to leave him alone, then really worry about his mental health (it can't be healthy to stay indoors in the dark with a screen for hours and hours on end) and his education. I know I will drive myself crazy if I don't find a way to let some of this go - you sound like you do a better job of that than I do, Dilly. I really lost my temper with Eldest this morning and said some unpleasant things (about him being lazy and in need of a shower...) so there needs to be some repairing done later but I can't bring myself right now.
H is okay - working hard, probably drinking a bit more than I'd like but he's either at work or dealing with a stressed wife or sleeping, so nobody is at their best right now. He's being very supportive of me and respectful of the pressures I am under, even though he's the frontline NHS person in the household. I do appreciate that and I feel closer to him this last week than I have done in some time, even though I'm seeing him much less than usual.
I miss things. Miss my hairdresser and coffeeshops and my friends. I came to rely on my friends a lot after BD and during separation - and that was new and so valuable to me that I didn't let it slide even when H came back. And now here we are in the house together and I can Skype and Zoom and I am doing, but I don't want more screen time after a day trying to keep up with my work via the screens - so he's pretty much my entire social life, which puts pressure on him that is unnecessary, and is no good for me as an individual or our marriage.
I think what I am asking for - in amongst the pity-party - is suggestions about how to GAL in lockdown...
Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Have you been able to find ways to GAL and find your own space during this crazy COVID situation? How are the kids? Mine aren't teenagers yet but they also resist bathing sometimes like I am trying to boil them alive.
Anyway, hoping you and your family are doing OK. Thinking of you!!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
hey Alison, how are you doing? Another whole month in lockdown since you posted, I hope you are ok. It is tough, no doubt about it. It feels endless even if you know it isn't. I was pretty upbeat the first month or so, but have found it tough the longer it's gone on. Thank goodness we're not like Spain not allowing outdoor exercise though, that would be crazy-making. I hope you're managing somehow xx
I am okay. We are still in lockdown. The kids are getting more into a routine - out on a morning walk with me, some homeschool, some time alone doing reading / art / computer while I work, helping out with chores. I am expecting a lot more from them - both of them - when it comes to helping around the house, and I think it is doing them good. They are bored and resentful and sometimes bicker and sometimes it's just too much and we have very bad days, but most of the time it is okay.
H is at work more or less all the time. He is exhausted and is like an automaton most of the time ,but he has not emotionally withdrawn or detached and he is not taking his stress and exhaustion out on me or the kids. There are times when he is snappy and grumpy, and he will still lock horns with Eldest now and again, but the tension seems to be coming out of that relationship now both of them know I won't have anything to do with their drama. H is using what spare energy he has to help with the homeschooling and around the house - I don't think he's taking care of himself that well right now, but to be honest, with his work, and my work, and homeschool, and things being the way they are, we're just doing our best.
I feel very blue a lot of the time. I am in effect a SAHM which I never wanted to be and didn't sign up to be. I am still working at home, but not doing that well at it, to be honest. My boss is very understanding and the summer is a quieter time for us, but we're in the middle of crisis planning and so there are a lot of zoom meetings to attend which I find totally exhausting. I am attending my book group and seeing my friends and doing a few other things all electronically, which I appreciate and which does help, but like most other people, I am bored and lonely and stressed.
H will be okay in his job and is looking forward to a promotion this year. He's in medicine so there's no chance of him being made redundant. I am in a kind of related, adjacent sector but it is likely that there will be redundancies. We could live on either his salary or mine - we don't have an extravagant lifestyle and save a lot so we have a buffer - so I feel lucky and I am trying to concentrate on being grateful.
Well that all sounds pretty positive other than you feeling blue. I think everyone I know is struggling right now, there is only so much virtual interaction you can have without burning out, and it is just not so fulfilling socialising online compared with in person. I do yoga videos with a couple of friends once a week, that is quite a nice thing to do, just talk on the phone while you are doing an activity together. I also go for runs and walks and text photos to friends and they do the same. Still, it's not the same. I'm hopeful they will ease lockdown so we can at least go socially distanced running or walking with a friend or two before too long. I'm glad you are financially secure right now, that must be reassuring. Great job stepping out of the triangle between your H and eldest, that is quite something!
I think the blue I am feeling is ordinary, to be expected blue - for all the reasons that you outline. I am very very very lucky in that I can work from home, flexibly, the summer is generally my quieter time and my kids are healthy and we have enough money to eat well and pay a small mortgage. I'm grateful for savings, for better communication with my H, for the kids being mature and understanding (most of the time) and for the good weather we've been having which means we've been able to get outside in the garden a lot and for short walks with the dog every day.
I do feel quite lonely, and also in urgent need of solitude. I think I need some proper alone time with no demands made on me first - and I think H does, and we're both suffering from the lack of it. Date nights and time together has totally done out of the window, but I don't feel like he's not interested and it isn't that I'm not interested - we're both just running on empty right now.
When the schools go back I am going to spend an entire day lying in bed with the dog reading and eating cake.
