Made it a year - part 2

[kas99]

Here is what I need help with. I was like this before and with H.

I am a pick me girl. I beg for attention, acceptance and approval from men. I never require much from a man before I put him on a pedestal (H is still on that pedestal). All a man had to do was show me a little bit of attention and he was crowned king. Been like this since I was 14 years old. I believe that my life isn't worth much without a man in my life. I have gone cold turkey in that I've been completely alone for 9 months now (seems pathetic typing this out).

Last night it was bad. Wanted to cry at work, cry at home, cry at the store, but I did handle it on my own btw. I cooked an actual dinner, did laundry and well its not much but it's something.

It's month end so I can't post much but I will respond later. This is helping and I appreciate the advice.

[kml]

1) It’s never too late to grow up. I have a friend who has struggled her whole life financially, in part because she was always expecting a man to rescue her. She finally kinda gets it in her 60’s that she’s responsible for her self financially, but still struggles with this myth that she cant make it on her own. She can and you can too.

2) He has a pension, you will be entitled to half the value accumulated during your marriage if you live in a community property state. Plus alimony and child support.

3) You definitely need to stay away from men for the time being, until you get comfortable with being alone and aware of your own worth. It’s definitely true that the less I “need” a man, the more interested they seem to be.

[kas99]

1) It’s never too late to grow up. I have a friend who has struggled her whole life financially, in part because she was always expecting a man to rescue her. She finally kinda gets it in her 60’s that she’s responsible for her self financially, but still struggles with this myth that she cant make it on her own. She can and you can too.

What if I get sick something big? Who will take care of me if it's bad? How do I pay for that? What if I can't work until I'm 75?

2) He has a pension, you will be entitled to half the value accumulated during your marriage if you live in a community property state. Plus alimony and child support.

Won't I get less of his pension the longer he works? Will the judge look at me and say here's 15% of his total income (including adjusted down pension) have a nice life don't spend that extra $500 all in one place. I hear walmart is hiring greeters.

3) You definitely need to stay away from men for the time being, until you get comfortable with being alone and aware of your own worth. It’s definitely true that the less I “need” a man, the more interested they seem to be.

Once upon a time I had my pick of men and that meant they were more interested in me. Those days are over now and I'm thinking men want (and will get) women 20 years younger. I read plenty about them here.

[kas99]

Kas, maybe you need something to focus on besides your divorce.

I focused on learning to play the drums.

You could focus on learning a new skill, or building a side hustle, or writing a book, or training to climb a mountain. Set some big goal and start working on it. It'll focus your mind elsewhere which is very helpful.

Fitness used to be my thing. Worked out at home, trained hard and at one time looked better at 45 then I did at 25. A serious injury benched me and I could never quite figure out how to train around it without going to the gym (too time consuming as a parent).

[LH19]

K,

I’m really sorry you’re struggling but the nature of life is uncertainty. Whether you remained married or not you have no idea what’s going to happen.

I’m 51 and I have zero desire to date a 31 year old for more then a night lol. Instead of worrying about your age what you can’t control I would focus more on what you can like being positive and optimistic. That’s what’s attractive!

[Ginger1]

Who will take care of you? You have 3 kids! You think they are just going to ditch you?

You have 30 years of marriage and between alimony and pension I imagine you’ll be in good shape , plus, aren’t you a CPA? You have a career. When I got divorced which was very shortly into our careers, took the total
Amount of our retirement savings and split the difference . So I got a Tiny chunk. I don’t get his pension though.

You are not poor, you are not broke. Men don’t have to be groveling at your feet for you. You can, in fact, care for yourself without it being so awful. A man who sees your worth and not your age and wants stability and partnership isn’t going to Focus on a woman 20 years younger. Sure, it happens, but a very small percentage of the time.

You still have catastrophic thinking. Like if everything isn’t perfect and just how you want it, everything is awful. That’s not the case at all.

[kas99]

It's normal you would be crying and this impact you so much, its normal for all of us to have an emotional reaction to having our lives torn apart. You go into and commit to a M with expectations and hopes of what a future will be, then one day its all taken away.

Sometimes I'm okay because there are things about H that I don't miss but when I think about growing old alone then I get upset.

What I will say is, again, you wont always feel this way. It wont always hurt this much. My ex was my high school sweet heart and my first everything. After BD I wanted to die, the pain was just too terrible to live with at the time and I was very close if not suicidal. I grieved, and over time each intense cycle of that grief would lose a bit of its pain. You just have to look back to see it, while you're in it, it just doesn't feel like its getting better.

It's been months since I've had suicidal idealizations. COVID hit and I started thinking it would be a good thing if I died from that. My IC said I was high risk for suicide and I'm thinking no I'm too chicken to do it.

I think the first year and a half were the worst for me as I still held onto my ex as the only possibility of the future I thought I'd be happy with. Its not, shes not. I know things aren't that simple, but eventually you have to grieve the future that's gone and start being open to the possibility of something new, and better, waiting for you. It may not be exactly as you think nor in the timeline you want, but its there. I wont say I still don't hurt, I have scars from BD that play into some of the other pain from my past. But its just a twinge when I think about my ex. I'm at a point where I where the majority of me truly hopes she ends up happy, even if its with a guy she starting dating only 2 months after we physically separated. I don't miss the life I could have had with ex. I don't miss her. Sometimes I miss being in a R, but as I got more and more space from my situation I realized I never had a healthy R anyway. Some of that was her, some of it was me.

I'm at 12 months. Today I went to my psych nurse and she said she thinks everything will be fine and she's jaded. There is a TON of pain from my past that I'm convinced if I process that then this will easier. H is never content with what he had so the only thing I'd gain from him would be financial security. I want him back but know unless he changed I'd be back to being miserable in no time. He's just a grumpy old man like his father was.

The score keeping will only make things worse for you, its just not productive or effective. You cant be certain how good or bad his life really is, even if it looks perfect from the outside. FB can portray a perfect relationship, but that's rarely the reality, not that you could see all of it. And even on the off chance if he better off going forward, it has absolutely no bearing or comparison on what your life could be. Don't compare his outcome (that you cant ever fully see or know) to yours!

I know I'm just upset that he gets to keep everything even though it isn't entirely true. D17 hasn't seen or spoken to him in a year. S19 and D14 barely tolerate him. He gambled everything on his new life and maybe it will work out who knows. I think maybe if I get a decent divorce settlement I can make this work.

[kas99]

You have stated many times that your ex lived well beyond his means. It is better it is happening now so you can regain control of your financial house. Having only 300 left/month and living within your (modest) means is (way) better than living high off the hog when that is not sustainable nor real. It’s what LH says about adjusting to your reality because the truth is your high standard of living was a total facade.

Yes my high standard of living was a facade but I blame myself for letting him talk me into it. Its not like it was hard because I wanted him to be happy. When his plans crumbled I assured him that it was totally fine and then I fixed it. I was getting ready to buy him a new truck before he left. Ugh.

This guy is no prize as you yourself know. Did you ever write all those things he is on your mirror the way KML advised? You need to do so in order to reverse the brainwashing.

What do I write? Bad stuff? That he's a grumpy insecure old man who thinks he is superior than everyone else? That the world would be a better place if they did things his way?

That said, you are here for a reason. Everything we need is inside us. We control our happiness. We control our outlook on life. It’s best to get out of our own heads. My advice? Give yourself a certain amount of time for a pity party, set the clock to 15 minutes. Then, every time your mind ruminates, exhaust yourself in other ways. Go walk or run up steep hills. Walk listening to stories of those who survived the holocaust. I just watched a quick history on Princess Alice of Battenberg. She was the great- granddaughter of Queen Victoria (mother of Queen Elizabeth’s husband, Philip) and ended up totally displaced/nomadic for years of her life! She was locked against her will in an insane asylum for years and missed all four of her daughters weddings. She was experimented on physically. She turned that around to a life of service and incredible fortitude. Maybe try looking to stories of inspiration vs. looking in the rear view mirror at your ex.

You can do this! You already are doing it! You are surviving each and every moment and getting stronger.

I do like inspiring stories and I know I'm getting better. I think if I can learn to be okay on my own that I will feel so empowered. I am tired of relying on other people to prop me up.

[kas99]

There’s something about dealing with the unjustness of it all. It’s not right.

My ex discarded me and his life was not upended at all. In fact he was able to buy multiple houses,cars, motorcycles etc and I was left trying to decide if I needed groceries or gas more because I couldn’t afford both.. I had to borrow money for rent.

Exactly!! I'm apologizing to my kids for serving pasta....again and my sweet, wonderful kids tell me "mom your dinners are fine, you don't need to be spending money right now".

It was so difficult to stop comparing my experience to his. To this day (and I’m 5 years in), I still struggle with it.
But shiny things don’t make a good life. They don’t. I have no relationship with my ex but from what I gather based on how he has reacted this whole time, it’s not all roses for him.

Yep I'm there. H has more than me but since the kids say he looks like death I'm guessing (for now) life isn't all roses. I do beat myself up saying he'd rather do that than stay married to me? Ugh I know I know.

I feel so grateful to have peace in my heart. My life post-marriage has so much more meaning. And when those feelings of jealousy creep up about the financial ease and the hardship I was thrown into as a result of his actions, I just tell myself “the best revenge is a life well lived.” And it helps to rid me of any energy I continue to give to him.

In the end I will have a lot less money but more joy at least that's what my IC says. My kids used to lock themselves in their rooms and now we hang out together now that H the grouch is gone.

I share that with you because it helps to know you are not alone in this. You are not alone with your feelings about the matter and I get how much it stinks but it will be OK.

Yeah the part where he has a shinier life stinks. I hate my house. Absolutely hate it so as soon as I get home my mood drops. I don't know if my girls are lying to make me feel better but they say H's house had potential (it's nice) but it's just gross now. I took the better furniture and all the housewares. Told D14 he'd get new stuff but he didn't. He doesn't have garbage cans, never opens the windows, and never cleans up the pet messes. They say his house stinks.

[kas99]

My ex drives a luxury car - got his moms house (we live in an area where homes/taxes are just not affordable) and I had to move in with my parents. My lawyers totally took advantage of me. 20 grand for an uncontested divorce and no custody battle - because I was so emotionally distressed. We didn’t discover all his 700 dollar a weak withdrawals until the very end and I couldn’t afford to pursue that. He only takes son less then 20 percent of the time - so working extra for me and being able to be there for my son is pretty impossible. Instead i work 2 part time jobs in order to finagle hours so My son isn’t in permanent before/after school care but this means I have little retirement. Ex constantly gives me stories about why his checks are late too. I basically live like a knocked up teenager. ( I am a physical therapist - so I do have a pretty good education and was never one to live beyond my means) my ex was doing all sorts of sketchy stuff with our finances for years and i just trusted him and was so sleep deprived with my son and job - I just never had time to check him. And he was always deflecting.

I joke I'm living like a college student with teenage roommates but it's not all that funny. I'm not thrilled with my attorney and am concerned I'll have to fork over another retainer to hire a new one. She's good I'm just not a priority. H's income is down due to COVID but if I wait I fear status quo. I feel like I'm in a no win situation but I'm committed now.

I was constantly on here angry, - I am admittedly a justice junkie - and it was just unfair. He gets an easy life. Not fair. Got to date young girls with purple fu’ing hair. He would bring back oversized shirts for our son from all these big band concerts he was going to.

Sigh...yes to all this.

The only thing that helped was when I lied in bed next to my son and enjoyed that moment of snuggling with a 5 year old and reminded myself that I would not give up time with my son to have what he has. I would never want to trade places with him.

Ask yourself Would you ever want to trade your life with his?

I have 2 of my kids full time (and the other wants to move back in with me). H has the partying single life with his young girlfriend and while I am jealous/upset I'm not willing to sacrifice my kids for that life. They are worth more than "fun" and selfishness. If I did that I have no doubt I'd regret it one day and I do not like to have regrets if I can avoid it.

Anyway - the point I’m trying to make is that - we have been where you are. I think everyone of us here is glad to be rid of our spouses. Regardless of the ups and downs of dating and relationships and jobs and kids. I think surviving divorce is a good place for you instead of newcomers or the MLC section. . Because you can see how much can happen in a year, or 2 years, or 5 years. These spouses can suck the living life out of you - but you get to say - for how long. Your still just in year 1 - so you have to just get through it. But know that your gut it I can be really good despite the unfairness.

Obviously I didn't want to get rid of my spouse but he was dead weight. I came to this side of the board when I wanted a divorce, wanted as in I see no other option. H did suck the life out of me and our kids. I hate the part where I have to go through this for another 1-4 years sigh but there just isn't any other way than through it.