Kindly, I hope you are doing some kind things for yourself today. Build yourself up again. You are compassionate, loyal, kind. He is not running from you; as Job says, he is running toward a fantasy life in which all his problems will disappear. I had kind of a down couple of days too, and it's always helpful to read Job's advice. It's incredibly validating. It's easy, at least for me sometimes, to observe H and think he is living this great life... well, he thinks he is. But it makes sense that it seems that way in this fantasy stage. Sometimes I forget this is most likely replay, and of course they're laughing and joking on the phone. They're living that grade school/high school/college life.
You know I can empathize with you there. The phone calls. It's so annoying. My H has some cards of mine in his nightstand too (which is part of the MBR). In some ways our Hs are so similar, and in some so opposite. My H is living his fun life and said months ago he was ready to move on, get on with his life, but he's still here, stuck, it seems, in between. He used to exercise a ton and even bought some equipment to start again during lockdown, but that hasn't really happened. Maybe your H can motivate him.
Trying to find that humor as Job suggests... but I know it s*cks. I think living with these guys makes us more susceptible to drifting back into almost buying their blame and justification. Their upside-down reality blurs with ours. But we have to keep trusting ourselves. This is a message to you, but to myself too.
I only wish we could get together and eat some brownies while our spouses vape!
I am so sorry you are going through this. I remember those days of having a MLCer living under my roof. It's not easy, but you will need to dig deeper for patience and find a bit of humor... After all, do you honestly think he's going to remember which box he packed his favorite clothes? Pretty soon, he won't have anything to put on if he continues packing.
Take care and stay safe.
Lol! And I’ll be the one who gets yelled at! I remember him coming home from work early on in this and accusing me of hiding his eye glasses. He found them a week later in his room. Thx job - I love hearing from you guys. Your words, explanations and advice are quite calming and valuable. H is 100% displaying teenage behaviour... it’s so clear and bizarre at the same time.
Cardinal - thank you for the reminder to let things play out. It’s so important to not live in future speculations. It does no good. As you pointed out it’s the changes in temperature in the house that are challenging to manage. I have to get better at not noticing his behaviour, or jumping up when he closes the door to take a call.
Update - Two weeks ago his L proposed that we have all disclosure info submitted tomorrow. My L asked for a change in date of S (2 weeks ago) ...once again we’ve heard nothing. Hurry up, hurry up....radio silent yet packing boxes like a mad man. Confusing and sad. Why not just get on with it? It’s not like he’s waivered on what he wants.
I find myself at a loss for things to say when it comes to the total destruction in really 5 short months: Me and my family dropped, EA, possible PA, Reinventing history, excessive exercise, motorcycle purchase, change in clothes style, excessive money spent, excessive drinking, tattoo, lies, drug use = I KNOW I’M NOT CRAZY. I hate how I have to go over these facts though to remind myself that I’m not exaggerating or imagining things.
You are not crazy!
It is amazing the list of changes in behaviour and activities for MLCers and in such a short time. You are correct, we have to remind ourselves, maybe we exaggerated or imagined it, of course no, it is quite real and staggering to witness.
Who would blow up their life like that. That level of total destruction. A person in crisis. This is something we had no clue even existed before finding ourselves in the deep end of a crazy situation.
Originally Posted by Kindly
I also don’t know if there’s a way I can make him see that making these big changes in the middle of a pandemic and economic downturn is not only irresponsible but unfair. Anything I do or say will come across as holding him back. Am I really stuck here letting this play out ....? Anyone got any strong advice for slowing a runaway train down? It’s not even about him and I and our relationship at this point it’s about living and not adding even more stress to an awfully stressful situation.
Yes, anything you attempt to explain will come across has holding him back. Even if your advice was received well in the moment, later his feelings will change and so will his view point. The very advice he was agreeable to suddenly becomes a fight to him. In his eyes an attempt to control him. And MLCers are out of control.
How do you slow down a runaway train? You get off it.
It’s his train. Stand well back from the tracks and the wall he is barrelling towards. Better if you turn around and focus on something else; you for example. Although I do understand and empathize the pull of watching. It’s your H, and it’s a train wreck.
You cannot slow down the train directly. It’s more your perception of it. Like, does a tree falling in the forest makes no noise if no one is listening. Is the train speeding down the tracks if you’re not watching? Indifference.
Originally Posted by Kindly
Am I really stuck here letting this play out ....?
No. Of course not.
You control your life.
You choose to be there. To outlast. To allow time to work. To dig for patience. To heal.
This is a marathon.
Originally Posted by Kindly
I’m not too sure what to expect once this starts to become a financial reality for him? I know there’s nothing I can do but let it play out but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little scared. I don’t know who he is when he’s like this.
Please don’t limit and lessen yourself. There is lots you can do. You have made good choices. And you are doing something. Doing nothing is doing something.
You have spoken to a L. You have information. Do keep tabs on the business side of things as the financial reality and pressures start pressing on him.
Teenage H is running. Phone calls, packing, friends, etc. He is going to be all over the map. You will get dizzy trying to keep track of his crazy.
Living under the same roof is hard. Dig for patience.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thx dnj for the reminders...especially that I’ve made good choices, all that I have done and that doing nothing is doing something. This last one can get me revved up a little. I think people like to see and feel progress. Between H and this pandemic it’s an awful feeling of waiting. Not being able to get out and enjoy time with friends and family away from the house is def hard. And then of course having H here as a constant reminder of the MLC situation is not easy either.
I’m allowing my emotions to toy with me again. At BD, H said he’s done with being roommates and propelled us directly into that reality. I feel like my detached, GAL, minimal contact and convo is reinforcing his opinion...yet I understand that this is his journey and he is entitled to feel and think however he wishes. Despite the partial truth to his statement, we had so much more than that. I get frustrated with myself for taking on this burden and blame from the hurtful words he’s spewed and some of the actions he’s taken. Leaving him alone seems so counterproductive but interfering in anyway seems destructive and pointless right now. On that note, he has a bday coming up soon. I know Cardinal just went through this ~ anybody have advice? What do other DBers do?...acknowledge just with words, ignore because we’ve been fired, Write a card? I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do he will judge it however he wishes. Feels like another d&*#- if you do, d$&# if you don’t situation.
Hi, Kindly. As you know, I relate to so much of what you’re saying here. It’s easy to get frustrated with ourselves, I think, for taking on a disproportionate share of the burden and blame, yet easy to do when we are people who would like to take responsibility and make amends and our spouses are the opposite; they run from any responsibility and continue to project all blame on us. It’s not easy. But it is not your fault. Keep checking yourself when you notice you’re taking on too much. That can feel exhausting, but maybe someday we will just know and believe and not have to remind ourselves.
I think my H is having more guilt to push away any time I show I still care for him, even as a friend, which I have trouble denouncing since we’ve been friends at least for 16+ years. Yet I think the fact that I was even thinking about baking him something for his bday probably felt like pressure. I do feel like I was being true to myself by genuinely wishing him a happy birthday. That’s all I would suggest too.
Yes, H will judge the actions you do for his birthdays he will. His feelings and judging will not remain static. It’s best to do what is in your best interests. Kind and cordial.
Give him a birthday card. A more generic type; not all gushy and affectionate. And wish him a happy birthday. If he responds well to that, tell him you are making ribs for dinner.
Ok, that’s my favourite, well meat really. Steak - yummy. Ribs - yummy. Hotdogs - yummy. Wait, does that last one even count as meat?
Sorry, got side tracked. Point is, you could have something in reserve, like ribs or such, that could be placed into service rather quickly. If he response in a manner worthy of that. It kind of goes along with the reward good behaviour, and do more of what works, ideals.
Expecting nothing doesn’t preclude expecting anything. He just may surprise you - I mean in a nice way. Throwing something “special” together for supper might be appropriate. Make that decision last minute, to stay no pressure.
Of course he’ll be eating hotdogs if he is in one of his moods.
Have a great day.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Just wish him a happy birthday. It’s what I’d do if I knew my neighborhood cashier is having a birthday.
HAHA! I almost spit my drink out...thx for the chuckle wooba ... I like it!!
Thx Cardinal the reminders and check ins from my DB friends = invaluable (((heart))). I also completely agree with your assessment of even the intent to do something for his birthday was received as pressure.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Ok, that’s my favourite, well meat really. Steak - yummy. Ribs - yummy. Hotdogs - yummy. Wait, does that last one even count as meat?
Haha!! You can come to the virtual Cardinal / Kindly deck party too dnj!!! I’ll make sure there’s ribs and steak along with our bread and brownies!! Open invite for anyone bring your specialty dish!!
Originally Posted by DnJ
Of course he’ll be eating hotdogs if he is in one of his moods.
Well...I don’t know how I didn’t see this one coming...of course he left. He hasn’t been home for over a week. My debate with myself now is do I bother texting happy birthday and just leave the card for when he gets home? I fully don’t expect him back now for his bday. Totally should have seen this coming. Oh well somewhat of a nice break for me! I’ll take it.
Hi, Kindly! Is his bday still coming up? Personally, if my H had been gone that week, I probably would have texted him Happy Birthday that day and nothing else, and if he was gone on his bday and I had decided to text him, I don’t think I would have given him a card when he returned. But that’s more a reflection of where I’m at and how my H is, so it might be different for you. I hope you are well! I would love to come to this deck party.
Hi Cardinal- I did exactly as you suggested without having read your response first! Glad my instincts were right.
H has still not come home and is displaying angry monster behaviour from afar through text and email. My L sent a letter to his pointing out his inconsistent behaviour over the last 7 months with regards to settling on a separation date and let’s just say he didn’t react well. It’s been 5 days and I’ve chosen not to respond. He basically confirmed my speculation of his up and down behaviour towards me as him being “nice and amicable” it certainly not confused. I’m a little concerned what the new not nice behaviour will look like.
The most recent threat surrounds our finances again and includes canceling the credit cards. He’s creating a tonne of work for himself as all bills will have to be changed to new cards. Through this, I’ve realized I’ve been over paying for the house bills and will need to ask him again for the cc statements which he locked me out of seeing when all of this started. There is def money I’ve been contributing that is missing...and with the recent lockdown it’s become a significant amount.
The last few days I’ve been really struggling with compassion. Like what the f is he angry about!!??? I know it’s not about me but I’m the one that’s been blind sided, cheated on, treated like dog dirt, accused of awful things, all because he can’t express his feelings? Because he doesn’t know himself? Because he’s a workaholic. So he’d rather roll the dice and start over than talk to me!?
This monstering behaviour with a quick flip to complete normalcy is really weighing me. I know I shouldn’t care about what other people think...but I’m allowing it to sink my self esteem and rational thought when I hear or see him interacting with his family or friends as if everything is 100 % normal. First time since this began that I’m feeling angry and disgusted with his behaviour. I don’t want this....any of it but I definitely don’t want to start with the negative feels!
