It has been one week since I last checked the phone records. Not a big deal to some, but it's a huge accomplishment for me. It's the craziest thing to obsess about. I don't know why I was torturing myself by verifying he is still communicating with OW. It's not like he wants me back so I have no idea why I was doing that.
Anyways, baby step towards detachment. I am finding it hard to do because he comes home every weekend to work on the house. It seems he's not getting much work done. We still eat together, go to the store together and act like friends. I don't want to be in the friend zone, but I am scared to pull away.
I bombed my job interview. The first question was so difficult that my mind went blank mid sentence. I was silent for about 5 seconds but it felt like 5 minutes of silence. After I struggled with my answer, the lady apologized and told me she had the wrong interview questions. It was my first telephone interview and I was so nervous. It's hard to answer questions without getting some type of nonverbal feedback. And they didn't ask any follow-up questions. They strictly went down the list. It was only a 17 minute interview. Not one question was asked about my work experiences, skills, etc.
I'm really pi$$ed at myself for my behavior. Why is it so hard to DB? Why am I so scared to detach? This man has been cheating on me for 2 years and I'm scared to pull away. What the he!! is wrong with me?
Me: 47 H: 45 T: 24 M:23 D23 BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country) Current R status: Separated.
SOOOOOOOO ---- pat yourself on the back!!!! 1 week and not spying.... feels good doesn't it??? I will say that is the one thing I did not do. I never go their FB. Look at phone records. Why? What would be the point?
Mo - take a minute and realized not spying is part of DB.
Everything comes in baby steps. Sometimes it feels 1 step forward and 2 steps back... but keep on that path.
Sorry to hear about job interview. Maybe it wasn't as bad as you thought? Phone interviews are tough. Keeping my fingers crossed that something comes out of this.
Your fear of pulling away is natural and normal. Its a fear of loss. Uncertainty. Anxiety.
Maybe you should be less available when he is there working on the weekends? I get how hard that is right now with the everyone being affected by the lock down. Can you be doing something else and not available for sharing meals?
I am struggling today. I feel like I have definitely put myself in the friend zone. I have showed my husband that I will put up with his B.S. and still act like his friend. I don't want to be his friend, but I'm afraid to detach and act "as if".
I know I need to focus on me instead of him. I alternate between sad and angry. Why is this so freaking hard?
I don't want to be plan B. Is it too late to turn this around and get out of the friend zone?
Me: 47 H: 45 T: 24 M:23 D23 BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country) Current R status: Separated.
I don't think it's too late to turn things around.
I'm not sure I'm going to have the best advice but try not to be "hanging" with him every time he is at the house. At this time of quarantine that's easier said than done.
Don't go with him to the store every time. When he is at house make that your time to run errands. Don't initiate conversation and let him be the one to lead. Don't give him all the information when he does ask.. just basics.
I think its okay to share some meals because he needs to see any 180s you might be doing... but turn meals dow .
It's hard to get busy when stuck at home but have a friend or family member you can call or video chat with while he is there... just excuse yourself you are expecting a call.
I know the pain you are in. Take it one day at a time. What's one thing Mo can do for Mo? And do it... go for a walk, take a bubble bath... start with something small.
Short recap: Hubby started EA in 2018 turned into PA May 2019. OW is 21 (H: 45) and lives in another country. She was his parent's cleaning girl. He would visit his parent's every 6 months the past 3 years.
I forgot to mention in my previous thread that this past Feb, he secretly flew to that country one weekend to see OW. That is when I discovered the affair. I found all of their messages and pics.
Husband lives with friend 3 hours away from our home. He received a promotion and the plan was for me to move there once I found a job and then we would put our house on the market. Before BD he was home 3 to 4 days out of the week except for the weekend he told me he would be working and went to see her.
It has been two months since the BD and I can't accept my new reality. I don't know how. Maybe it is because my H has been coming home on the weekends for the last month to work on the house. During this time I have halfheartedly attempted to DB. I tried to do 180's and act as if, but it appears to have put me in the friend zone.
When he is at home, we act like a normal couple except for the affection/sex. He does house chores, asks me what I want for dinner, cooks breakfast for me. We eat meals together and go to the store, etc. I have even climbed in bed with him and cuddled (hanging my head in shame right now). Not sure why he is letting me do this. He still wants a divorce.
This week I have repeatedly asked him if he's sure he wants a divorce. Can we work on this? blah, blah blah. Cried. Told him I don't want to be his friend etc. I just got into a big argument with him over the phone and after we hung-up he sent me a text telling me he's not coming back to work on the house and that we need to have minimal interaction with one another. I didn't respond.
I have given away all of my POWER to this man. I am terrified of pulling away from him. What is wrong with me? I am spiraling out of control.
Please help me, help myself.
Last edited by job; 04/29/2008:54 PM. Reason: Merged two threads together.
Me: 47 H: 45 T: 24 M:23 D23 BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country) Current R status: Separated.
While I've been able to leaves my tears behind... because they sooooo don't want to see any tears, we all have slip ups.
Just today I asked H if this is still on track and there is no hope... What was I thinking??? I 100% know this is a behavior that pushes them away. I put down the phone and swore NO MORE.
So join with me ----- NO MORE!!!!
Pick yourself up and make a plan for MO. MO what's on that plan? Weekend is coming up... don't fret. Make a list of what YOU need to do.
Do not contact him. Let him feel your absence... let him know you are 100% able to take care of yourself (even if you don't feel it right now!) Remove all the pressure from him.
Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. I have merged your two threads together because you only had 63 postings on your original thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It has been two months since the BD and I can't accept my new reality. I don't know how. Maybe it is because my H has been coming home on the weekends for the last month to work on the house. During this time I have halfheartedly attempted to DB. I tried to do 180's and act as if, but it appears to have put me in the friend zone.
two months is a really short time, so cut yourself some slack. It is impossible for anyone to suddenly be able to detach and accept the new reality in a few months. Even when you think that you've got it under control, your feelings will still come and go.
Originally Posted by MoGirl
I have given away all of my POWER to this man. I am terrified of pulling away from him. What is wrong with me? I am spiraling out of control.
((hugs)) To take your power back, you need to address your fear of losing him. And guess what, you've already lost him! so there is no point to beg or cry or nice him back. Again, focus on yourself. What are some behaviors that you think you can work on for yourself? start with something small. Remember that your H chose to have the affair. He should be the one crying and begging to stay in your life. What "friend" would do that to you? If I were you, I want even less to do with him than being in the friend zone. Put yourself first, you deserve respect.
((hugs)) To take your power back, you need to address your fear of losing him. And guess what, you've already lost him! so there is no point to beg or cry or nice him back. Again, focus on yourself. What are some behaviors that you think you can work on for yourself? start with something small. Remember that your H chose to have the affair. He should be the one crying and begging to stay in your life. What "friend" would do that to you? If I were you, I want even less to do with him than being in the friend zone. Put yourself first, you deserve respect.
It is pretty silly of me to worry about pulling away from someone that I have already lost. Thanks for pointing that out to me Wooba.
I am going on day 2 of NC. As I am typing this, he sent me a salty text message telling me again that he is not going to finish all of the repairs on the house and that he's calling a realtor. This is the same info he told me two days ago and I never responded. I think he's trying to start an argument. Or maybe it pi$$e$ him off that I'm not attempting to smooth things over with him???
I was always the one to apologize first or jump through hoops to keep him from being upset or angry. Those days are over. It's hard because I hate it when he's mad at me. I can't believe after everything he's done I'm still worried that he's upset with me.
I can do this. Stay strong, do not reply!!
Me: 47 H: 45 T: 24 M:23 D23 BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country) Current R status: Separated.
