I had the same feelings years ago. I get it. 3 years ago. I was so upset that ex was in a relationship and had a much easier life with a house and minimal childcare responsibilities (after he screwed us over financially) I even remember how they took a trip with her daughter and my son and when I texted ex mil to see how my son was doing - she sent me a picture of the 2 kids playing together! Like wtf?
But anyway - heard through son how that ex gf (not an OW) was drilling my son about who he spent his weekend with. My son told me his dad broke up with her because she shouldn’t have been asking my son those questions. She was asking my son those questions because ex was not being honest with her and she was suspicious. He was telling her he was with son when he was with someone else. (Ex barely spends time with son) Well - a week later there’s a new and younger girl hanging out with ex and my son (on the few days he actually takes son).
Now -I don’t feel upset, I just pity the younger woman who is wasting her limited childbearing years on him - cause he will f her over too.
Once they f over their wives - it becomes easier to do the same to their new girlfriends. I notice they don’t wait as long to do so. Kind of like serial killers. The first murder is the hardest and takes the most planning , but then they get a taste for it.
So, try to reframe your thought patterns. Be happy that he is out of your life - because you know what’s in store for any woman that he ends up with. They don’t change - they get sneakier. I would never date a man that was cheating on his wife. He’s not a prize. He’s not some type of catch. So be happy you are rid of him and focus on building yourself up and your own path.
I had the same feelings years ago. I get it. 3 years ago. I was so upset that ex was in a relationship and had a much easier life with a house and minimal childcare responsibilities (after he screwed us over financially)
I'm still keeping score. I was upset at first being a single mom but now I see he has to bribe them to spend time with him. Point to me.
How do you get past the financial screwing? My H gets a new R which eventually comes with a 2nd income which leads to a new house and an easier life. Point to him.
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He was telling her he was with son when he was with someone else. (Ex barely spends time with son) Well - a week later there’s a new and younger girl hanging out with ex and my son (on the few days he actually takes son).
(Remember I'm only a year out). See if/when this happens I'm going to be even more upset because this means my H gets a 2nd chance at life dating until he finds someone wonderful to marry. He gets a complete do over.
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Now -I don’t feel upset, I just pity the younger woman who is wasting her limited childbearing years on him - cause he will f her over too.
Once they f over their wives - it becomes easier to do the same to their new girlfriends. I notice they don’t wait as long to do so. Kind of like serial killers. The first murder is the hardest and takes the most planning , but then they get a taste for it.
I don't give a flip about the OW but I am bothered by the part where H wins. Gets to love bomb and be love bombed. Gets the perpetual high of ego strokes, in that new house with all the money meanwhile I feel like my life is over. My life is rice/beans, crappy rental houses, and being alone.
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So, try to reframe your thought patterns. Be happy that he is out of your life - because you know what’s in store for any woman that he ends up with. They don’t change - they get sneakier. I would never date a man that was cheating on his wife. He’s not a prize. He’s not some type of catch. So be happy you are rid of him and focus on building yourself up and your own path.
I'm trying I really am. The only thing that helps is knowing he probably won't be happier. He's a bottomless pit of I'll be happy when....but when that shiny thing wears off he has to find a new shiny thing. Cars, boats, campers, vacations, multiple houses, big houses, new jobs, promotions and now it's a new woman. 30 years of this (OW is new). Juggling the money to pay for all this took me several hours a week. I did all this just to have him leave?? Seriously?? Then my thoughts strangle me by telling me that he will find this amazing, younger, prettier OW who of course has more disposable income and she will be rewarded by getting the prince I worked so hard to get.
Yes logically I know I'm being ridiculous emotionally I think you know that he won. He gets his happily ever after while I get screwed.
You say your ex keeps looking for the new shiny thing to make him happy..... but you kind of do the same thing. You are looking for something, anything outside of yourself for you happiness as well. Whether it be your H, or wanting him to be miserable to make you happy, you are looking for something outside of yourself.
You both are doing the same thing. You had the point where you were looking to other men. And now he’s looking to another woman. Neither of you are looking inward.
Your can’t control him and how he likes the next shiny thing . But you can control how you look for it!
You have a job. You have your kids . You can find some hobbies. I know you are working on it. Sometimes we don’t even realize we are doing it when we do
You say your ex keeps looking for the new shiny thing to make him happy..... but you kind of do the same thing. You are looking for something, anything outside of yourself for you happiness as well. Whether it be your H, or wanting him to be miserable to make you happy, you are looking for something outside of yourself.
You both are doing the same thing. You had the point where you were looking to other men. And now he’s looking to another woman. Neither of you are looking inward.
You're 1000% right I do this. I was texting my support group leader yesterday about this. I cannot get it through my head that I will ever be happy without a man in my life yet the old me that did find 2 men doesn't exist anymore. Then I cycle back to H thinking somehow it would be different with him now but he hasn't changed. I can't go back (won't work anyway) and I don't know how to move forward either. Does this make any sense??
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You have a job. You have your kids . You can find some hobbies. I know you are working on it. Sometimes we don’t even realize we are doing it when we do
I'm fully aware which only frustrates me. All I do is imagine how great H's life is in comparison to mine. Pity party, whine, pathetic I know.
Kas I am so sorry you are struggling but with your thought process you are never going to "win".
You've done enough research to know that you make your own happiness in life. What your STBX has no bearing on your happiness what so ever.
If you must play this game with him then play to win and beat him in the happiness game.
**I post these things over and over because I want to get this. Logically I get it emotionally I do not**
Anyway I keep thinking about your post from the other day. I texted my support group leader yesterday and said "isn't this whole inner peace crap for people with family, a SO and enough money to support themselves?" How do I possibly fill the void left by H with book clubs and sewing?
I can tell you for a fact I know 3 middle age woman right now who are married, have kids and money and are miserable as fuch. I am gonna go out on a limb and say so were you 2-3 years ago.
So it has nothing to do with the marriage and family dynamic. Its your mindset. I know it's not easy to change your thoughts. I know what it's like to think about what could have been. The suffering comes from not accepting reality.
Kas, maybe you need something to focus on besides your divorce.
I focused on learning to play the drums.
You could focus on learning a new skill, or building a side hustle, or writing a book, or training to climb a mountain. Set some big goal and start working on it. It'll focus your mind elsewhere which is very helpful.
Well, I have a career and work an extra job to make it work, and well, it works. I fill my time with some hobbies, friends, my kid, etc.
You have a job. You will get alimony and child support. I don’t mean to pry or have this come off mean. But are you really living in poverty? Or is it a perceived poverty because it’s not the lifestyle you were living ? Or because he will live better than you? Are you really in that bad of shape? Or is it just in comparisons to how you were living ?
