Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 7

[DaB35]

Good weekend. Cleared out my storage place, sold a few more things, made a bit more money.
Intense cycling class at the gym on Sunday - really pushed myself.

On Sunday I met up with an old college friend as he was in a nearby town. We caught up and had a drink. He knows about my sitch but we didn't talk about it at all, which in a way was good. We talked about how he's moving further up north with a new job (and a much cheaper house), talked about studying, music, films etc. Got back quite late for a Sunday night! Slept well though.

Noticed my complexion is much better too - the grooming routine I've been working on for the last few months is working.

Although my D saga is over, I want to keep posting as I find this place a good way of just getting thoughts out and discussing things.

[DaB35]

Hi All

Hope everyone is keeping well in the light of these unusual times. Finally the UK has cottoned on to imposing stricter rules...still not total lockdown yet though.

Anyway, having had my freelance work all cancelled for the immediate future, for GAL I have been doing tons of research on looking after my new car and detailing. I spent 3 hours on Sunday doing the interior. Did a total clean - got stains out of the headliner, cleaned mats, hoovered, cleaned plastics, applied vinyl trim protectant, cleaned and protected the leather, etc. Got a nice Yankee Candle air freshener (Fluffy Towels) - smells lovely. Sad thing is I cna't drive it very much now due ot the restrictions of movement haha! Oh well, it was nice to do.

I'm reading up on what i can do with the exterior. So many products it's scary, but looking at a lot of YouTube vids and forums to get a better steer.

Work is fine. Been clearing a few things out of the house too which is good. Donating a lot to charity.

My sister rang to see how we were doing, and she mentioned that XW had texted her yesterday to ask about how my parents were doing. Sis said they had still been going out (albeit within well the rules that were in force at the time until today), but XW said "you must tell them to stay in!". I think they've got the message now. I have been thinking about how XW is - should I ask how she's doing? For the mo, I 'm going with NC if she hasn't contacted me directly?

Stay well everyone.

[DaB35]

Little update.

Things are going well working from home. My parents' house is near a field so I have a good view and can easily go for walks. I'm doing exercise at home. Might buy some of those resistance bands seeing as there is no space for weights etc.

Still doing lots of research into detailing, getting really interested in it. Have joined a forum and chatting to others for advice and guidance. Bought a load of stuff this week. Will need to do another big shop in the next day or so too. Looking forward to this being an enjoyable, therapeutic hobby.

Mentally, I feel in a really good place. Confidence hasn't waned at all, just keeping it consistent. Being busy and having time to do lots of things is helping a lot.

I still think about XW but it is not 24/7 and now I find myself stopping those thoughts after a few seconds, so I guess this means I'm more lovingly detached. I don't think it's got to the stage where I've fallen out of love with her or don't care about her at all - there'll always be something there as I spent 8 years of my life with her. For example, I see things on TV that I find funny and am a bit sad that she is not there with me to laugh about them too. Increasingly, I'm not worrying about what her friends/family are saying about me. Being on here has made me get into the habit of reminding myself that whilst they may think the lighthouse is rubbish, it's actually in a great state. I will continue.

Hope everyone is well.

[Traveler]

Hey Dab35, glad to hear you're finding detachment. Yes, that stage where most of the day I don't think about her but when romantic films come up I do is exactly where I was a month ago. Good stuff.

Detailing, huh? What aspect inspires you? I struggle just to keep my home and car not embarrassing! For me hiking is meditative--everything else falls away when you focus on strength, endurance, or nature.

[DaB35]

Thanks CW.

For detailing I find the whole thing fascinating. There is a ridiculous amount of choice with regard to products - pre-wash, snow foam, shampoo, polish, paint decontamination, wax, sealants, glazes, tyre dressings, wheel cleaners, even air fresheners and air-con cleaner sprays etc.You don't have to do EVERYTHING - some people go waaaay OTT - but I've just bought about £200 worth of stuff in total which is genuinely a *fraction* of what others can spend and have spent on their cars (they wax frequently and wash mroe than once a week or use the most expensive leather cleaners and use top of the range pressure washers and so on - you can spend thousands). You just choose your own routines after a bit of help and advice, and choose products you like the look of (and if the price is right!).

I think I'm attracted to the list-like 'process' nature of the activity. I like lists - that's the accountant in me I guess! I've even been working on a spreadsheet of 4 different cleaning routines - fortnightly, monthly, quarterly, bi-annually - with a comprehensive list of what to do, in what order, what tools I need at each stage etc. I find the creation of the list therapeutic too. Of course I just have a normal car that I don't intend to put into car shows, but it's the principal of just maintaining it and keeping it looking nice and prolonging it. I haven't really looked after my cars before; I've never crashed them or anything but I let them get very dirty. This one I want to look after!

Yes absolutely feel I'm finding detachment. No hate at all, just love mixed with a pang of sadness. But then I just head over to Spotify or Netflix and just chill out instead...

[DaB35]

Hi All. Have been silent for some weeks so thought I'd provide an update.

Working at home has its ups and downs. It's great that I can literally fall out of bed and get to work. At first I struggled to keep to my usual work hours and ended up working late just ot get stuff done, but I'm more in a routine now.

Going for a walk daily. We have a big field near the house so am exploring different routes each time. My mum comes with me most times too. We enjoy watching and listening to the birds. We even spotted a muntjac deer in one of the smaller fields so was nice to watch him for a bit.

What I've found is I'm filling my time easily. Books, TV, films, writing, walking, exercise. etc. I may buy a new instrument and learn it. I'm thinking hammered dulcimer. I've always loved the sound. I also bought a good microphone so I could do a split-screen video of me playing all the instruments I own doing an 80s song cover, which might be a fun project! I'm learning about the different techniques of using certain bits of software at the mo.

What is weird is that, as a divorcee, I do have the occasional flashback to R/M with XW. I don't feel sad, I don't feel angry. I just acknowledge the thought most of the time. Yes there are times when I feel frustrated at how everything went. I am annoyed at myself for not being stronger at the time, I'm annoyed that I just moved out immediately without arguing, I just did it; then I get annoyed that I didn't refuse to do anything related to the house sale or D. But they don't last long; before I would think it over and over whereas now it's fleeting. I'm sure XW's mouthing off still occasionally to her family/friends to justify her decisions. "It's easier for me to leave you" is what she said. I think it's actually been a lot easier for me than for her!

Strangely, I don't feel divorced. I just feel as thought I've been shoved backwards and off-kilter a bit, but I've now turned myself the right way and am moving in the right direction. The saddest thing? It's XW's loss! I've always held the view that people do and can change for the better, with the right type of guidance. She's missing out on experiencing that with me. I then just get back to my own thing and work hard at it.

So generally, feeling very positive about things.

[ovrrnbw]

D,

great update. Love your attitude. You really have grown through this. Look at the stuff you are doing now...I'm kinda jealous. My hobbies don't get near the time I wish they did.

Stay strong during those tough times and know that I share your pain. I may not have undergone the exact same thing but I wish you the best all the same.

[DaB35]

Thanks O. I hope things are working well for you. I will read up on your thread.

REFLECTIONS

Having done quite a bit of thinking I wanted to just summarise it all here. I realise that there is an argument of this being ‘a bit late’ or ‘after the fact’ seeing as D went through in February. I haven't stewed on this for months; I typed this up a while ago. However, from a cathartic aspect I’ve found this really useful to just put everything I've considered here, so I hope you’ll let me indulge. I’ve split it into 3 bits.

1 - ME
My parents don’t discuss things. I’ve grown up in an environment where if you’re not happy with something, you just deal with it silently. Both my parents are ill (various things: muscular illnesses, cancer remission, digestive problems). They pay for a private healthcare policy and I’ve lost count of the times I’ve suggested they actually get some use out of it, request some tests and try to get a second opinion to gain a bit more understanding. I feel they’ve just accepted the first thing a doctor told them decades ago, and have just accepted their lot. It frustrates both my sister and I. I keep suggesting it now, and the positive thing is at least my mum is being more receptive to getting some additional help.

My parents rarely argue. My dad is extremely passive. His dad died when he was 7 and had no male role model growing up in the 50s/60s. He therefore is closer to my sister than me; well it feels like it to me. Now I’m living with them, I do make a regular effort to engage him in conversation and I try to get his opinion on things and advice etc. It’s very hard with one or two word answers. But I am sticking at it still and not expressing anger, just validation and furthering the conversation. To this day, he hasn’t asked me how I have been. I believe he just doesn’t know how to deal with it. When my mum would cry about it at the beginning, I remember once watching him just sat there next to her, saying nothing for a few minutes, then he’d just get up and go upstairs to his room. I’ve realised that’s what I did in the R. If XW was upset about something…I WOULD KNOW ABOUT IT! Whereas, if she upset me I’d never say anything for fear of upsetting her further and creating a new argument. I’d just sit there like a scolded child. And I absolutely acknowledge that I created many covert contracts in the R, all the time.

I’ve grown up assuming that if I am not satisfied with a situation, there’s nothing I can do about it. This was my issue with my addiction. As a way of coping with years of bottling up frustration/fear/anxiety/sadness, even before I met XW, I deliberately chose to begin down a path that was so far removed from the usual ‘me’ as a wholesome person.

That gave me an excuse to compartmentalise it and ‘separate’ it from my everyday life. I’d not deal with it. I got in a cycle of thinking, “OK I feel down, I will go down this route. This temporarily removes those feelings I had, but now I feel terrible for doing this instead. I’ll just sweep it under the carpet and get back to normal life.” That went on for years. It got to the point that I would feel a negative feeling then scuttle off and simply look at a site or send a quick one-sentence online message to another woman, not because I wanted to message them or missed them, but because I just felt I had to stop feeling sad/anxious/stressed.

I was so happy with XW when we met initially – here was someone I had lots in common with finally – and so thought my problem would just go away of its own accord. It didn’t because I didn’t acknowledge the severity of it and the extent my poor self-esteem issues would build up over years and years.

I felt that I hadn’t achieved what I should have done. I had plans to go down a specific route after Uni/college, and this didn’t happen. Partly was down to my parents being as naïve as I was in hoping things would work out - they are not from that background either so couldn’t steer me in the right places - and also not being confident enough to move forward or not having the guts to work out what I needed to do. Again, NGS – waiting for stuff to happen rather than taking the lead. This increased my depression and made me stressed. The stress manifested itself as severe psoriasis on my scalp. That really got me down as XW would always point it out (sympathetically however, with no derision at all). The depression furthered the addiction; a temporary quick way out.

I then made a drastic change of career in my early 30s so what I originally wanted to do became my main weekend hobby. Even then I felt like a weak man because it was only after XW’s encouragement. I didn’t do it off my own back. I love my new job now and don’t regret that. I can still do my other passion on a regular basis and still earn a bit of money from it.

Because of this I felt inadequate to XW as a partner compared to her sister’s H or XW’s brother. Her family all had “worked out” their careers. They’d decided they wanted to do something, landed that job and did it. Then they were promoted and were earning good money. XW’s BIL is a vet and a professor; his dad is a millionaire, and when BIL was in his twenties he had a financial advisor. I’d feel so threatened (and probably jealous too) when we’d visit them. He’d go on about investments or politics etc. I couldn’t add much. How did he know so much about this stuff? I had literally no idea. I always thought he looked down on me. That could be utter rubbish. I’ve never mentioned that to anyone except my therapist and my sister.

Part of the reason of the addiction was I felt unattractive. I’m not overweight at all – I’m very skinny and in fact, slightly underweight for my height, just not very toned or strong. I’d feel jealous or upset when XW would comment on a very toned male body on TV or film etc. Of course, the right solution for an Alpha is to go “OK, I’ll go to the gym.” Nope. As a Beta, my NGS meant that I would be passive aggressive. As a result our sex life was very sporadic. She then said she felt unattractive, but at the same time I would feel the same way because she’d always complain of “feeling ill”. She did have genuine ailments though. I would let that add to my depression, so I wouldn’t make a HUGE effort to woo her. I’d buy nice gifts – which she was always grateful for – and do little acts of service as my love language (cleaning, making dinner, helping with paperwork), but wouldn’t show physical affection, like throwing my arms round her as she walked through the door if we hadn’t seen each other for a few days, as I thought that’s not what she wanted.

It was yet another cycle. She felt as though I didn’t want her, and so didn’t make a move on me. I thought she was ill all the time and also didn’t find me attractive or was unhappy with the way I looked, coupled with me feeling low about the way I looked too. So I didn’t make a move on her. The result was low libido from both of us, far removed from how we were in the first few years of the relationship. I admit that there were occasions when I would deliberately not instigate sex if she upset or annoyed me. She doesn’t know that. My addiction on top didn’t help of course.

I’d always feel that I had to please her. I had a long commute to work when we bought our house. I would stress myself out driving home. If I was ten minutes late due to traffic, I’d get a phonecall from XW saying “Where are you? Are you nearly home?” I’d even lie to her and say I was further up the motorway than I actually was to avoid her feeling let down by me. I stressed so much that I got a speeding ticket one day because I’d left work 15 minutes later than planned, so broke the speed limit trying to make up time to get home. When I would start falling asleep at 10pm XW would moan and say “Go on then, go up to bed and be boring.” I’d stay down to please her, but then it made me resent her feeling that way. Cue addiction cycle. Another minor thing, say I put a new item of clothing in the wash and the colour ran so it came out faded, she’d really lay into me for that. So I’d feel really down about it; I’d let her down again. I’m not worthy. Cue addiction cycle again.

On a work night out, I’d say yes, so it might be the Xmas meal. After dessert, I would clock watch and say to myself “OK I’ll leave at 9.30 so I’m not back late.” That was to avoid me fearing XW being angry at me for coming back late. Yet she would go on holiday for a week with her old Uni mates on a ‘no partners’ holiday and I was fine with it.

I used to be a member of a community group that met twice a week. When we bought our house it meant I was coming home at 10-11pm twice a week on a weekday. XW didn’t like that. One day she just exploded and said “I hate how you still go there. I’m so lonely.” Even though I’d suggested she join the group too, I’d end up lying to the organiser saying I was ill, late from work, on an off-site visit and was stuck in traffic, car broke down etc., anything to avoid going so I could come home at 6pm instead and be with XW at home. But me going to that group was one of the times where I was truly happy; I was in the zone and my addictions weren’t a problem. I was respected there and had a good level of confidence. I feel sad I don’t do it anymore.

The thing is, a lot of these issues are no more now. I realise why I felt the way I did.

[DaB35]

2 - XW

XW’s upbringing has given her a very binary view of the world. It’s X or Y. There is never any grey middle ground. A strict religious childhood has caused her to have a guilt complex and also severe Imposter Syndrome in all aspects of her life, and also feeling obliged to please others and help out to the extent that she never said no.

As an example, growing up her family had no TV, because her mum admitted that at the time she wanted to be ‘the most Christian’ in the town they lived in – there was apparently competition amongst mums in some parts of the UK in the mid80s! - and so banned TV in the house. XW would tell stories of hysterically devout schoolteachers admonishing her publicly in the playground for kissing a boyfriend on the cheek when she was in junior school; her alcoholic gran verbally abusing them when she would visit the family home to take care of her and her siblings whilst her parents were away on holiday. Subsequently, both XW and her sister have regularly expressed feeling guilty over having sex full stop, even in their 30s.

She’d be overwhelmed, inconvenienced, and would then grumble to me all the time about how her friends may have taken advantage of her, or let her down somehow. Lots of examples: we’d always be the ones travelling to her friends’ houses. They’d hardly ever visit us, and when we’d try to organise something at our house, they’d usually drop out or cancel. One of her closest friends flatly refused to pay for her bridesmaid dress, even though at the time she was earning more than XW. XW paid for the dress out of our planned wedding fund, and the friend never paid her back. She is still hurt by that as she brought it up in the years after our wedding. Her brother and his wife don’t drive, so when we would visit her parents 300 miles away, we’d of course have to take a detour to pick them up. That is fine in and of itself, but XW would always moan to me privately that they never offered to pay for our fuel etc.

She is also a bit of a sheep, in that peer pressure really gets to her. At Uni (before I knew her) she was a heavy party animal, boasting of drinking people under the table, vomiting after a night out, smoking, and so on. Likely a rebellion against her more straitlaced younger years. Even one of her Uni mates said after we got married, “you’ve become really boring now” and I always felt that was a slight dig at me because I was teetotal (for no other reason than simply choice) and XW had ‘calmed down’ somewhat from being with me. But this was precisely one thing she loved. “He levels me out,” she’d say happily to her friends and colleagues and would hold my hand and smile at me as she said it.

When we were together, she’d smoke still when socialising without me, even though she’d say she’d given up. I remember us going to a friend’s wedding and when a few people she was talking to went outside for a smoke, she just abandoned me and went out with them for half an hour. I had some friends to talk to, but I was still upset. As usual, I didn’t say anything about how upset I was and supressed it. It annoyed me that she was always saying “I’ve quit” when actually she would go back whenever she felt stressed or had a few drinks, and was surrounded by several others doing it. She would have girly nights with work colleagues and openly admit that she smoked. Again, I never said anything, because if I did pick her up on something she’d always come back with, “Well it’s my life, I can do what I <expletive> want.” Slightly immature response but there we go. If she was the only person in a room wanting to smoke, she wouldn’t do it. If she is indeed rebelling, I wonder who she’s rebelling against being in her 30s.

XW was always proud of saying she didn’t want kids. She’d proclaim to everyone and joke, “I’m too selfish. I like my own time. I like doing things on my own terms. I like being an aunty. That’s enough.” During our S she suddenly brought up the topic of kids. She was resentful and turned it onto me. “You were always so against having kids I went along with it.” Then, “What would you say if I had said I wanted to have a baby?” I have a very strong suspicion that XW’s sister has planted this thought in her head. XW’s sister has always been goading her to become a mum. Perhaps she wants to be an aunty too. Every time XW’s sister would ring and if XW happened to say “I feel a bit ill,” without fail every time her sister’s response was, “Are you pregnant?” This would frustrate me immensely (but due to NGS I never brought the subject up with XW). At the very start of S, XW lived with her sister for a month. Then in June, back at our house, she suddenly brought up the idea of being a parent. I don’t think that was a coincidence.

I’ve mentioned this before – I’ve always felt XW’s sister has a degree of control over her. Always telling her what to wear, eat, where to live, what to say, what to do. XW told me when she was younger she had short hair and was a bit of a tomboy. She wouldn’t wear ‘girly’ clothes, instead opting for loose fitting stuff. Her sister was embarrassed by her to the point that she’d introduce her to her own friends as ‘her other brother’. When I first met her (XW and I had dated for about a month) she was so rude to XW in front of her entire family and me. They were talking about moving home, and when XW’s mum asked her how her job was going, her sister suddenly turned to XW and laid into her for five minutes, pointing at her and swearing (in front of her 2 year old) saying how she “didn’t have a proper job” and “shouldn’t just be working a few hours a week” and “needed to pull her socks up and sort her career out”. She was literally shouting. I remember that because it was so shocking. It's like she still saw XW as a little 10-yr old girl who didn't know what she was doing.

The most worrying things were (a) XW was so timid and was meekly justifying her choices yet agreeing with this onslaught, (b) that one sibling would speak to another like that at all, let alone in front of a room full of people including a new boyfriend and (c) that her parents said nothing and made no effort to defend her.

XW’s sister has had very little control in her life. She got married in her early twenties and apparently lots of things had been decided for her. She's moved around the country only because her H is furthering his career. She would constantly say there are lots of things she would do differently if she had more of a say on her wedding. She therefore took over a lot of our wedding plans, and XW let her do it. She even made XW change her mind about the bridesmaids’ dress colour, and not an insubstantial one (dark green to pink), mainly because her sister liked a different, more expensive type of dress instead, whereas XW preferred the original green ones, but just went along with it, again aiming to please. Cue lots of other bridesmaids returning items, ordering again, returning again because the sizing scheme was different for this retailer compared to the old one, and lots of grumbling!

XW always looks up to her sister and I’ve never known why. She is aggressive, dismissive, humourless, overly animated which is extremely tiring, loud, manipulative, and never sticks at anything she’s good at. She set up an award winning business and quit within a year because she “got bored”. She spent over 10k on a new musical instrument and doesn’t play it - it’s just an ornament in her house now. She has lots of talent in various fields but just sits on it. Yet XW seems to idolise her but she is the more creative one and genuinely furthers her skills which I was only too glad to support. Apparently when they were younger her sister was stunning and all the boys at school chased after her, whereas XW never got a look in. I never saw it myself. XW is WAY better looking and has a much more attractive personality.

So, me putting two innocent pics of XW’s sister in a chat with one of the women I was sexting online was due to passive aggression. I felt frustrated at her for the way she’d treated XW and her general demeanour, so it was like taking her down a peg or two. It felt like I was scoring points off her. Massively immature, yes. It was stupid to do. But in discovering this, XW naturally felt it was because I felt attracted to her sister more than her. Absolutely not the case. I dislike her, and have always been quite guarded around her ever since I first met her when she laid into XW.

Again, something else I’ve mentioned is that perhaps XW felt pressured to get married. Her parents were married at 18 and her sister at 22. It was a BIG deal for her to get married before she turned 30. She brought up the matter MANY times. My sister got married at 31. It was never brought up in any conversation. My parents got married in their 30s – no harm done.

So, contradictory would be a good word here.

3 - US

I felt I was not a 100% worthy H for XW. I felt I couldn’t open up to her about my problems, or explain that she’d upset me, or that I was feeling depressed. One crucial thing was that XW has copied her sister with regard to this – being very dismissive of mental illness, even though she has acknowledged to me that there is “a history of mental illness” in her family. She and her sister adopt a “stop feeling sorry for yourself, get on with it, stop moping about” stance. This is extremely unhelpful for someone who is depressed as it shames them even more and makes them feel worse. So I never brought up my issues with her because I feared she’d react like that.

My regret is when she discovered everything she said, “I expect you to move out and take all your clothes. I don’t want any of your clothes in the house when I come back.” And I just did as I was told. Weak. So weak. Also, during the D process I had no choice but to speak to certain people along the way because I dealt with all the paperwork for the house, and all the accounts etc. were in my name only, so they wouldn’t speak to XW. I didn’t want to do it but had no choice. When really, I should have put my foot down and said, effectively, “No, I’m not going to help in any way and I’m not moving out. Here are the passwords. Do it yourself.”

Some of you know that she decided within 24hrs to separate and then D. I have always felt that when it comes to a long term R, if one partner finds the other has done something very wrong or very hurtful, to simply throw it away immediately suggests that the R is a one-size-fits-all and they could be with anyone. The partner is expendable and doesn’t matter. I tried to explain this to XW but of course logic was never on her menu, and I get that.

This is not to say we didn’t have happy times. We would laugh every day, absolutely. We made each other laugh. We had similar tastes in music, TV, films. We were good at pop culture references (think quotes from TV shows applied to certain real-life situations). We cooked together. We liked similar food. We both liked animals and nature.

We both enjoyed cuddling on the sofa. We support similar things charity-wise. There were so many positives about our M and R. I just wish I was brave enough to open up to her, and wish that we took MC. I also wish I found DB earlier.

NOW
I do not have an addiction. My posture is now better from yoga and the gym. My psoriasis has gone. I feel better about my body. I have self-worth. My skin is better. I walk taller, more confidently. I am actively networking with regard to my main hobby. I have new hobbies too.

I speak to friends; I reach out to them first now. I validate in conversations more. I feel closer to my parents and sister. I make efforts to keep conversations going rather than dwindling. I say yes to work nights out when invited; I make an effort, wearing smart waistcoats etc., and have a good time. I go places alone. I know I can spend five minutes scrolling through Netflix to decide what to watch without being fearful of getting shouted at for taking to long to choose something.

This was after 6 months of therapy. Absolutely worth it. I am excited about the present. I do look back sometimes. I miss XW but it is not a searing pain. It’s more frustration and remorse. But, I am a lighthouse. I am having a picnic. I’m just getting on with it.

If you got this far, thanks!

[dunnm]

(((DaB35)))
You have done a lot of work, Mrs DaB35(2) will (unknowingly) appreciate it.
Keep on keeping on.