Searching for calm with shelter-in-place roommate

[Kindly]

It's funny--I feel the longer this goes on (not sure if "this" is post-BD life or shelter-in-place or a combo of the two--probably a combo), I am having a harder time channeling what I want for myself, which is to respond with empathy and kindness and compassion. Kindly, I feel like you are very much living this way. I am living it but not always feeling it lately, if that makes sense. Reading Grace's comments about love being not a feeling but a choice, not given because someone deserves it but because they need it was really helpful. It all seems so clear and simple, but all the feelings that are coming and going in me lately don't feel simple.

First of all Cardinal, big big ((((hugs)))). I feel strange ‘giving advice’ because regardless of whether my posts show it or not I too have the same flare ups and feelings you describe. Instead of advice, I’ll share what I have worked on and what I find is ‘working’...again for ME.

1. Erase the timeline ~ we are advised early on that this is a marathon, not a sprint. However, I feel that human nature is wanting of progression. This ‘standstill’ behaviour in our H’s is a slow form of torture. So we can’t help but watch and wait and be hopeful that something drastic will change. We get so hopeful with the nice behaviour and poking out...only to be disappointed again. I realized that I was hanging on to MY timeline of wanting to get on with life with him. I realized that this was not me ‘dropping the rope/letting go of the tangled leash’. I also realized that it was me having expectations of HIM. When I focused on the timeline I too feel ‘distracted’ by ‘what do I want?’, ‘how long do I live like this?’ ‘what if he never comes out of this MLC’? By erasing the timeline I let all these ‘thoughts’ wash over me and tell myself I don’t need the answer now. AND most importantly bring the focus back to me as best I can. Have you read the pursuer/distancer posts? I believe I found it in the link that job or cadet sends out when you first arrive here. If you haven’t it’s def worth the read.

2. Stop judging myself ~ I’ve been slowly learning to just let myself be where I am. Living in the moment. I’m finding it easier right now with this pandemic. Even though I’m working part time, I rarely know what day it is!! Stopping is something I don’t do well. When I have to sit with my own feelings it’s AWFUL. But I’m teaching myself and learning to be ok with whatever comes. Sometimes I don’t know if I want to do this anymore either, sometimes I want to wring his neck, sometimes I’m just so overwhelmingly sad for him and me. I tell myself it’s all allowed ~ look what we are going through!! Somewhere in this I find and continue to strive for COMPASSIONATE DETACHMENT.

(Check out my page, Dnj just wrote a post that ties into all of this and gave me goosebumps). To sum up when I stopped judging myself for my thoughts and feelings I could then just be and there is some peace in that. This makes sense in my head better than it does in writing....I hope it maybe helps a little in at least letting you know that you are fine and that what you express is all part of what I call my (his) ‘rollercoaster’...feel it but don’t get on!!!! Continue with your baking and bread ... or tap into your creativity that you mentioned in a new way.

I'm also probably feeling extra down because H seems to be withdrawing more from me as his birthday approaches. I realize now how nice it was to be sharing food and having small conversations for the first few weeks of this. If anything, I know I can 100% expect periods of coldness or near-silence from H followed by periods of friendliness—I've gone through these cycles again and again! But it still gets me a little.

THIS is difficult for those of us living with our partners and it def ‘gets’ me too. I just got a dose of this this week. Not fun. Feels counterproductive and I’m still fumbling my way with this one cause it’s new H behaviour for me, but detach don’t pursue. Get off the rollercoaster. You are doing better than you feel you are.

I said a couple posts back that I know who I am, but I also realize BD has disrupted parts of that identity that felt so solid before. All of this is to say I'm dealing with a lot of uncertainty in the best way I can, and trying to get better at it.

Of course it has, I can 100% relate to all of this, including the children part. I made a responsible adult decision for our situations and chose H. This now hurts. There will be constant feelings and thoughts we must wade through and there’s no handbook for that. I’m learning to give myself a break. By reaching out on here I feel much less alone and the tools that are offered are invaluable.

You ARE getting better at it Cardinal. And I know I don’t know you, but from your posts alone you seem like a strong, loving, funny, compassionate, smart woman. Yes there are real life fears and worries (jobs, money, house). Just remember it’s empowering to get ourselves back. We didn’t want this to happen but it did. I’m finding out about strengths I never knew I had. I can take care of this house and the yard by my self. Would I like him along side me ...yes...but that’s not an option right now. But I know he’s noticing, cause sometimes he’ll jump in (and then be angry with me mentioning about moving plants around! Haha!)

When have you ever let yourself down? If you have, did you bounce back? Did you take care of you? Focus on the YOU things IN CASE this goes further south. Continue with your creative outlets and continue looking for a full or part time job so you feel safe. None of this is easy, I had an epic meltdown yesterday dealing with the L stuff again...but today is a new day and now that next step is done - equaling less worry and fear.

Sorry for the long post I hope maybe there’s something that resonates with you....

Cardinal is here and she’s doin’ just fine!!!!! I also really wish you could send some of those blueberry muffins through this forum!!! Yummmmmm

[may22]

OMG. the MLC Hs all in a real world house. I read your post last night and wasn't able to respond but giggled about it all day long. Can you imagine the monologues? And the arguments? I keep thinking of them being like totally huffy and disbelieving that this other dude DARES call out their reality... and it devolves from there. Hilarious. I think you have a good concept there... oceangirl, where are you??? we have another story for you to pitch!!!

I know how you feel about the anniversary approaching. I don't remember the exact date, but I think my 1 year BD for the ILYB is coming up or perhaps already passed... right around now, anynow. It feels weird. A year is a long time. But in some ways not much time at all. This COVID situation is definitely throwing off all sense of time.

My only advice for you... give yourself a break on some of this stuff, like finding a job. Yes, it is OK that you are feeling lost and afraid. I think a majority of human beings on our planet right now feel that way, and you have lots of good reasons. It is OK. Don't stress about it. You will find a way. Maybe not right away, but you will find something professionally that feeds your soul. It will happen. I have faith in you, and I know you do too.

((Cardinal)) I've been staying away from baking because I feel like I've been packing on the pounds this past month, but my younger daughter (the baker) is clamoring for brownies, so I think we're up for that this weekend. And thinking of making pasta. Keep us all updated on your latest baking adventures, ok?

[cardinal]

Kindly and May, thank you for the company here, and your wise words. As much as I am grateful to be at home and really enjoying having time to garden and bake and read again, the closeness to H just sends me through so many small and big waves of grief again. Sometimes they are triggered by something he does, and I know I'm on the detachment journey, but much of the time they start because it's just harder to put him/us out of my mind when he's around. Sometimes I hear him talking about his family to someone on the phone, and I just feel sad that they're not my family anymore, too. This time last year we went to dinner with a friend for his birthday and I had no idea BD was coming in about six weeks. It's the last photo I have of us together, both of us smiling, him leaning close.

He asked me if I was going to make more cookies last night, and I said, well, I was thinking about making something he likes for his birthday this weekend. We normally always make each other cakes, and he still made me one after BD last summer. That's okay, he said--I don't want anything. So that's settled. I won't make the dessert I'd been wondering if I should make. I'll just tell him Happy Birthday.

A human moment today, just one that makes the periods of craziness easier to roll with: surprise--he was taking an online painting class at the kitchen table (watercoloring was something he used to do when we met). I noticed he was using the special set of paints I made him for our anniversary in November after BD... it was a pretty sentimental gift, and I'd just left it out for him with a short note and was prepared for him to not accept it, but he ended up taking the set and note and keeping it with all the other inconsequential notes he'd saved from me after BD. He showed me the painting he did for the class. Very nice color and texture.

May, I'm taking your advice and trying to give myself a break and let the grief travel through me. In between sadness and the other feelings that come with this MLC roommate lately, I felt a wave of gratitude, too: yes, it bothers me sometimes that I don't understand how H will proceed or why we're still roommates at this point in time, but also, I focused on how thankful I am to live in this house and have his health insurance and help with expenses, how thankful I am to have my cat healthy again, how thankful I am that my family is well. There are so many things to be thankful for in this challenging and uncertain time, and the pandemic does help put things in perspective.

Kindly, it's very, very helpful to see how you break down what's working for you. I think each time I read something here I internalize it a little bit more. Or I re-read something and because I'm in a different space it resonates in a new way.

When I focused on the timeline I too feel ‘distracted’ by ‘what do I want?’, ‘how long do I live like this?’ ‘what if he never comes out of this MLC’? By erasing the timeline I let all these ‘thoughts’ wash over me and tell myself I don’t need the answer now.

Ah, yes. The timeline. I go through this exact thing every day, it seems, and whenever I feel myself worrying over those questions, it does help to remind myself it's okay to have the questions, and I don't need to know the answers now. Now I can just focus on whatever is right in front of me. I think sometimes interactions with friends drive these questions, as I tend to see myself from an outside perspective, then, and can get caught up in thinking this situation must seem hopeless to them. And I can't explain why H says we're getting a D but he doesn't really talk to me about it and, well, we're not there yet. I don't have answers for them either—and I know I don't have to, but it does get me thinking about the questions again.

Sometimes I don’t know if I want to do this anymore either, sometimes I want to wring his neck, sometimes I’m just so overwhelmingly sad for him and me. I tell myself it’s all allowed ~ look what we are going through!! Somewhere in this I find and continue to strive for COMPASSIONATE DETACHMENT.

Yes, yes, thank you for this validation. Like May's give yourself a break! Sometimes all of this comes alongside the striving for compassionate detachment. (And I will go read DnJ's post to you again!)

Kindly, you also reminded me that we are pretty good at taking care of things ourselves! Yep, the house and the yard--I've learned to how to rely on myself to figure things out. I would keep going but my posts always end up so long. I'll be visiting your thread soon!

H is watching a lot of reality shows lately, so Real World MLC is even more on my mind. I really think it could take off!

Brownies sound fabulous and are on my to-bake list. I'm finally back to pre-BD weight. Yesterday a local sweet shop had special pints of mint cookie ice cream that sold out too fast for me to get one, so I made a small batch of Thin Mint-type cookies and am planning to crush them in mint chip ice cream. It's a good thing we don't have an ice cream maker... but also, I sort of wish we had an ice cream maker.

DB family, I hope you are all well tonight!

[may22]

Hi Cardinal,

I'm so glad your kitty is healthy again. I think gratitude is a muscle we all need to exercise. I'm trying to get my whole family to do it, because when you sit in gratitude for a bit, I feel like it is so healing. Just reading that paragraph of yours about what you are thankful for made ME feel better.

Homemade ice cream... we actually DO have an ice cream maker buried in the pantry and now I want to get it out! I think I've also seen recipes online for making ice cream without an ice cream maker? Might be worth looking into...

And I know this probably isn't helpful and mind reading and all the rest but I find it so, so odd that he keeps all your notes. I remember reading that from one of your very first posts and it has totally stuck with me. I guess it just shows how deeply confused he is, but WEIRD.

Wanna share your thin mint cookie recipe? That sounds amazing. I'm looking at a truffle recipe that doesn't look that hard, a magazine page I'd clipped probably 10 years ago and never tried and found again while going through my cookbooks. Will let you know how it goes.

[Kindly]

Hi Cardinal, LOL real world MLC ...you might be on to something. I wonder if they’d pick out strange behaviour in others if they were all quarantined together?

I hear ya when you talk about his family or your MIL ...a mutual friend of ours dropped by the other day to visit (from a distance)...this friend reached out to me in the beginning and then dropped me all of a sudden. It makes me so sad and also makes me wonder what H has told him. I too crave a reality where I could talk more with my MIL and SIL, or even just have them ask questions instead of sitting here with the memory of them shaking their head and saying “ ya it’s too bad” or “you should get a lawyer”....what the!?!?!? Anyway, I overcome these feelings by having fantasy conversations with myself and play out what I would say if I could speak my mind!!

I also like how you handled H’s birthday situation...I will be facing the same issue next month. Not sure what I’ll do yet, but I’ll keep how your situation played out in mind.

Hope you’re relaxing with kitty and the sweet aromas of your latest baking adventure.

Take care,
K

[cardinal]

H's birthday. The peonies always start blooming this week, and they are right on schedule, so many bees tending to the layers and layers of petals. H made cookies last night and shared them with me. He's been in a good mood this weekend, which shows again I can't predict his moods and shouldn't try! I'm a little sad today, wishing I could say or do more than just the "Happy Birthday!" greeting I gave him when he woke up. Can someone remind me why it makes sense not to tell him how I feel? I'm not on the verge of doing it or anything, and I know the pandemic is contributing to this, because the message everywhere is talk to people you love. Well, I am talking to him, I guess, just not about feelings, and I am thankful for the small moments we sometimes can still share.

I do find it weird, still, that he kept every little note I wrote him after BD. They remain in his room where he stashed them on the other side of the messy desk. You can see them when you walk in. Compartmentalization. Anyway, I look back at the first several months when I was in IC and really working to change some of my unhelpful behaviors (defensiveness, not apologizing, etc), and it's clear that I was making an effort to turn things around while not having R talks or while trying not to apply pressure. So I sometimes wonder if he thinks things played out like he expected--I was only interested in saving the M because he said he wanted a D, and I may have been motivated at first, but now I don't care, and it's clear (in his mind) that I didn't really love him, just like he thought.

Now, I know I can't change his mind or his logic. I know this is his journey. More than ever, I feel like I'm observing most of the time. One thing that gives me some peace is that I'm not interfering, or trying not to as best I can--I think back to the advice you all gave when I was asking why he wasn't moving out. I want him to make every decision, be responsible for each step in this process, wherever it goes.

So why do I still find myself at times conflicted about his only seeing the outward, carefree me that I project? Does he think all of this hasn't hurt me? Could he think he didn't mean that much to me after all?

I feel like these are newbie questions! Make him think you've moved on, etc. etc. If it doesn't matter what I do, because he's on his path (and I don't want to influence). In the last several months I've given up (maybe it's better to say I've started to let go of) the need to save this, because I am ready to work and have a different M, but I can't do that without H on board. It's out of my hands at this point.

How do you find the balance between staying true to who you are and how you love, and DB? Isn't that the question people ask over and over? Shouldn't I have learned the answer to that by now? It is love, I suppose, to recognize that he is living his own life and right now that doesn't include M to me, whether he understands it as love or not.

Happy Birthday, H. I do love you. I do miss you. I never tell you these things. Some days I do find myself feeling anger and disbelief, but I am trying my best to act with kindness and compassion instead.

[cardinal]

Oh, and May, it was kind of revelatory for me to realize that gratitude can actually make me feel better, even though I've heard that message about keeping a gratitude journal since whatever year Oprah (was it Oprah, or do I just remember it that way?) cemented it in popular culture. I like the idea of your family doing this together! As for thin mints, I based them on the recipe at bakedbyanintrovert.com. I thought Dorie Greenspan's chocolate cookies were perfect, but I would up the mint slightly in the chocolate coating next time, I think.

Kindly, I too have fantasy conversations with MIL sometimes! That's probably the way to go, for a while at least. I'm sorry that friend pulled back from you. It seems a lot of people struggle with how to respond, or how to respond with empathy for both people at once. One thing we seem to be strengthening is our capacity for empathy.

First successful sourdough loaf baked this week! Thanks for the encouragement, May.

[job]

Cardinal,

They tend to keep all of the notes, wrapping paper, cards, ribbon, etc. that we give them. They may tell you that they have trashed them, but they don't.

You love him in spite of his behavior and it's very normal to want to tell him that you love him especially today of all days. Wishing him a Happy Birthday was a very nice first thing this morning. He knows you love him and he also knows that you are observing him from afar. The more you detach, the better and yes, he will sense when you finally drop the rope.

Cardinal, you are human and yes, you love this man, but for now, keep the focus on you, your children and your cats. Your h is still baking in the oven and it's going to be a while before he's "done".

If it helps, sit down and write a letter to your h today and then put it in a safe place for a while. You may decide to tear it up and not keep it, but it will help you will you are on your own journey.

Hugs to you and your family and please stay safe and healthy.

[may22]

If it helps, sit down and write a letter to your h today and then put it in a safe place for a while. You may decide to tear it up and not keep it, but it will help you will you are on your own journey.

Cardinal, I did this and it helped. I packed up all of H's Christmas decorations (we both have ornaments from growing up, plus he has a number given to him over the years of his alma mater, sports teams, etc.) in a separate box after Christmas this year, because I didn't want to have to see them next year if he was gone. Before I taped it up, I wrote a note to him and put it inside, along the lines of I loved him, if he was reading this on his own how sorry I was that we were over.

For me, writing that letter and packing it away was cathartic and somehow freeing. Especially once it went off down to the basement and felt kind of like I couldn't take it back, it was out there in the world and wouldn't be received for a year at the minimum.

So maybe try it? if you're conflicted about not telling him how you feel, this is a way to get it off your chest without him actually needing to read it right now.

So I sometimes wonder if he thinks things played out like he expected--I was only interested in saving the M because he said he wanted a D, and I may have been motivated at first, but now I don't care, and it's clear (in his mind) that I didn't really love him, just like he thought...So why do I still find myself at times conflicted about his only seeing the outward, carefree me that I project? Does he think all of this hasn't hurt me? Could he think he didn't mean that much to me after all?

I know I probably had way more R talks with my H than you are supposed to with DBing. And I know part of the reason that it isn't recommended is that it just doesn't do that much good. He has a narrative all built up in his head and words out of your mouth just aren't going to change that. He is too dedicated to believing his own story to let something that you say throw it off. My H had needed to convince himself that I didn't really love him (because of the SSM) and also that our M was unsalvageable in order to justify his own behavior. Me saying in those R talks that I did love him and had never stopped totally fell on deaf ears. He *couldn't* really listen and believe me because that would mean that all these cascading choices he had made were based on a fallacy and make him be the bad guy instead of me... so he just didn't believe me. And, he said a lot of things to me about how he wasn't in love with me and how he felt about AP that now I regret hearing because it is making this healing part all the harder.

That all being said, I completely understand the desire to say how you feel to the one person you are supposed to be able to say anything to.

How do you find the balance between staying true to who you are and how you love, and DB? Isn't that the question people ask over and over? Shouldn't I have learned the answer to that by now? It is love, I suppose, to recognize that he is living his own life and right now that doesn't include M to me, whether he understands it as love or not.

Honestly, I think this entire situation is an exercise in learning to stretch and expand what we mean by LOVE. Love isn't just when things are easy and fun... this is love too, and giving your H the space that he needs right now to figure himself out is an even bigger and harder kind of love for you to share with him than telling him how you feel, even though being open with him maybe used to be one of the ways you have shown your love for him in the past. Just like exercising gratitude, exercising and stretching your love muscle to new and uncomfortable places, expanding the meaning of love to this truly unselfish place where you are now for him-- that is something that will stay with you the rest of your life, and is a gift to you as much as it is to him.

[CanBird]

Hi cardinal. Congrats on your sourdough... how'd it turn out? I've been experimenting too.

Your last post.. I felt like I was reading my own words.. the way you expressed yourself was right on target with me and my H. I've wanted to shout from the roof tops SO many times! But, we are following our script too. And I also wonder if he actually knows how I've really been feeling about the whole situation.

Keep on keeping on

ps- did you make your own starter for your bread?