He's still not fully himself. I've been watching him slowly grow back into the person he used to be. Every day he's a little more the person I used to know, but he's still not that original we've talked about, he's still that photocopy. He's like a really nice laser color copy but on regular paper not photo paper...lol. I don't know if I'm going to get a truthful answer to any of my questions. I have no desire to have a fruitless conversation with a person who isn't invested in me enough to be completely transparent.
Wayfarer, just want to say I also appreciate reading your insights. I read this post the other day and the notion of an H being a "photocopy" of themselves is a good analogy. I feel the same way - my H is a little more similar to the man he used to be but still not himself. I just find myself struggling with the why; why has he changed, why has he had to paint me as such the villain.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I enjoy your posts and agree with May, you are level headed and it makes me feel better to read your reflections on your sitch. Thanks for posting!
I just try to update weekly to kinda to purge and kinda to let my supports here know I'm keeping my eye on them as much as they are keeping an eye on me. Nothing much has changed. Other than a big blow up with D16 and her wonderful bio mom things have been very calm, quiet and well very status quo. The only thing that has changed is that he's now acknowledging and going out of his way to say hello to my friends on social media and irl. We're from the midwest it's a thing to say "oh say hey to so and so for me." This is a thing that had stopped entirely when he made the decision that our friends were taking sides. D17 had a chat with me that she's really starting to move past her anger toward him. She's feeling like she's moving toward real forgiveness. She knows he's trying and she appreciates it. I wish it was something I could share with him. I hope I can some time in the near future. I think he'd like to know that. But I won't be opening any can of worms I can keep closed as our state's self quarantine order was just extended 5 more weeks. I anticipate 5 more weeks of status quo. I hope every one is doing well and staying sane.
Glad things are relatively calm, and, wow, that’s great that your D is sharing how she’s feeling about everything and working through her anger. And it seems like a sign of some growth in your H’s part that he’s once again making contact with your friends. It’s good to hear this update, WF. You do sound well and sane.
I feel like this extended status quo is both crazy hard and yet at the same time it is like just one foot in front of the other and before you know it another week has passed.
I'm really glad the girls are doing well and reconnecting with your H. I have been thinking about your girls and mine and their age differences... I think I was selfishly more worried about the time I would lose with them in terms of breaking up the household, and more scared for them about that psychological loss you talked about, losing their trust in men and love and commitment. That terrified me, that this [censored] up thing that was happening between H and me would affect them for their whole lives and maybe make it so they never could really trust a partner. I felt like they believe so deeply that H loves them with every fiber of his being and that will never end... but they also think he feels that same way about me, and if they saw that end, what would that mean for their belief in love? UGH. The fact that your girls are coming around and open to forgiveness makes me just really grateful for the resilience of the human spirit, and less anxious about what may come in the future for me/my girls.
Are you still feeling that anger? Or have you been able to let it go? I definitely believe that the power dynamics are a big, big issue for many couples (me for sure). I feel like we're doing a lot better at that... at least I am for sure, though from H's behavior I think he's let a lot of that go as well. But I'm confident it was at the root of a lot of our issues, maybe still there to deal with. (I'm sure us type-A gals will always have this to deal with, but I've definitely learned a lot about picking my battles and letting stuff go that I would not have a few years ago).
Five more weeks? Dang, girl... you have your work cut out for you. What is after Tiger King??? We've been watching Insecure on HBO but just got to the fourth season and were (sadly) surprised to realize now that we are caught up we can only watch one episode per week!
xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I know you tend to see things like this for your girls a little more holistically than a lot of people around here so don't take this as preaching, because you don't need it, but I thought I'd share some of my thoughts on how these things effect the kids. As a step child, a step mother, the mother of a step child, the friend of many many divorced kids, and a couple of divorced friends. I always hope people try for the kids sake, not stay together for them. Children of the 70s, 80s, and early 90s have a very different view of divorce because I think things were treated just so differently back then. And to be honest based on some of the crazy pants behavior I see around here with some of these WS/WAS their divorces are probably not going to be that much different with the big exception of the communication between themselves and their kids. The way we raise children these days is just so different. People don't really leave kids in the dark until the second dad walks out and never comes back or mom is loading them up in the car. Kids are so much more attune to the fact that their parents are real people with feelings and faults. I think in the world we live where parents are so much more cognizant of how these things tend to have a ripple effect throughout the kids lives has changed the amount of damage and frankly the kind of damage. Have faith that this won't irreparable damage them. No matter how it ends. They'll won't lose faith in love or partners being able to be stable, faithful, and true. And neither will we. No matter how this ends.
I'm not angry any more. I've moved into yet another phase of sadness. The anger was really rooted in the time biding he's doing. The fact that he gets what feels like an infinite amount of time to decide where his heart lies. While I lie in wait with infinite patience on an answer from a person who doesn't know if they can love me. It's incredibly infuriating to essentially be told you might not be enough every day. The sadness now is me knowing that in the end if he can't commit our stalemate is going to end by me asking him to leave. And knowing there's no going back after that. Because I've been waiting him out for 6 months, and I won't wait him out more than a year. And it kills knowing that there's a way this ends where I tried everything I could but he tried nothing because he spent 7 years of our lives telling me I was the love of his life but I was really just the consolation prize the entire time. There's a way that this ends where 7 years of life my life was a complete lie. That I missed my opportunity to have the second baby that I always wanted. That I might be so damaged by this and the relationship with my daughter's father that I may never date again. But when you read the stages of the LBS it feels pretty normal that we cycle through these feelings over and over again until we don't. And I'm confident that I'll get through it regardless of how this all ends.
Yeah we're running out of things to do and watch, but I have Jane the Virgin and Handmaid's Tale to dig through. But as a family we've been doing collections. We watched Deadpool and Deadpool 2 back to back. Then we moved on to the MCU. We're still playing through that. We have plenty of other collections we can start after that. We throw in games nights to keep us off the TV constantly. I'm pushing for puzzles now too. How are you guys holding up on staying entertained and not killing each other?
Kids are so much more attune to the fact that their parents are real people with feelings and faults. I think in the world we live where parents are so much more cognizant of how these things tend to have a ripple effect throughout the kids lives has changed the amount of damage and frankly the kind of damage. Have faith that this won't irreparable damage them. No matter how it ends. They'll won't lose faith in love or partners being able to be stable, faithful, and true. And neither will we. No matter how this ends.
I totally second this. My kids are young so my biggest fear in the beginning was that they were gonna go through some kind of emotional turmoil with parents who are no longer in a loving M. but so far they are handling it extremely well. I'm sure they are affected but it's not nearly as bad as I imagined.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
But when you read the stages of the LBS it feels pretty normal that we cycle through these feelings over and over again until we don't. And I'm confident that I'll get through it regardless of how this all ends.
This is spot on, wayfarer. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling sad...but you recognize that this is a cycle, and I think that self-awareness is the key to which will eventually help us LBS to reach the end of it. *hugs
Thanks for the dose of reality... I know I have somewhat of a fairy-tale ideal in my head of what this should have all looked like, and now that my H has broken that, I'm kind of floundering with still trying to figure out what things are supposed to look like now, if it is possible to rebuild, etc. I have held so strongly onto this idea that it is possible to have a better, stronger M on the other side and now I'm dealing with some doubts. I think I just need to keep reminding myself to let go of expectations, focus on myself and my kids, today and tomorrow and just one foot in front of the other.
I think part of it is I have very little experience with D. My parents are still married, all my friends growing up's parents are still married, same with H. All our friends where we lived previously are married. When we moved back to where we live now (we'd moved away a couple of years after we got married, before kids), we had a handful of friends get Ded, two with kids and one without, and I was totally blindsided. And their sitches are not what I would want for myself, even though they all seem relatively happy.
I was just so focused on protecting the kids. And they still have no clue about any of it. Maybe they never will. And since that was my number one goal-- if I could just keep them from being hurt, I could handle anything-- I feel like I should be happier now than I am. Anyway. I think this quarantine is starting to get to me. But your words really help, remind me that humans are strong and resilient and just because things aren't turning out the cookie-cutter way I thought they would doesn't mean we still don't have the capacity to be happy and love and trust and all the rest. I need to keep reminding myself of that.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
The sadness now is me knowing that in the end if he can't commit our stalemate is going to end by me asking him to leave. And knowing there's no going back after that. Because I've been waiting him out for 6 months, and I won't wait him out more than a year. And it kills knowing that there's a way this ends where I tried everything I could but he tried nothing because he spent 7 years of our lives telling me I was the love of his life but I was really just the consolation prize the entire time. There's a way that this ends where 7 years of life my life was a complete lie.
I'm glad you aren't angry any more... but I get the sadness. I totally, totally do. Let me give you a little pep talk, though... first, think how much has changed in the six months you've already waited. So much is possible in the next six months, especially for you, with such incredible self-control and self-knowledge. Even though yes, there is a possibility that in six more months you might be asking him to leave, there is also the possibility that you'll be reinvesting in your M together. A lot can happen in six months. You just gotta keep holding the line and being kind to yourself.
Also? Do NOT let him take the seven years of your M away from you. That is BS. It wasn't a lie. You could NEVER be anyone's consolation prize. You are the prize and he is incredibly lucky that you're still there... he's just a confused and sorry soul who is going through his own problems and that is coloring his view of your R and the past now. Don't let his problems be your problems.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
How are you guys holding up on staying entertained and not killing each other?
Well, this past weekend I think we all got a bit stir crazy and snippy towards each other, even the girls. We really needed to get out of the house and went on a long hike on Sunday, which really helped. H and I also made up an imaginary roommate, Cheryl, who we blame everything on (GD Cheryl, left dirty dishes in the sink again) which is silly but actually really helps lighten the mood. We're watching the full set of Avengers movies, most of which we'd never seen, which is fun-- we've watched a movie as a family every night. We did puzzles the first few weeks but I haven't gotten one out for awhile... might do it again soon. Board games, kids doing a lot of reading, cooking, baking. Oh, and cocktails. We are definitely doing a lot of that too.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Update: Shortly after the blow up with D16's bio mom, (I should have been clear before, the blow up was between bio mom and H/me/us over D16 going there during this mess) D16 choose to leave and go stay with her mom now that her mom finally has an apartment. It's been difficult because since early February. Bio mom has been leveraging H's infidelity as fuel to create a feud between D16 and H. (D16 spilled the beans in January) H's A had a huge ripple effect in our lives, and he's only very recently grappling with how large that ripple actually was and is trying (in his way, and trust me I'd really like to see it be more in the way of the people he needs to make amends with, but baby steps I guess) to make things right with the people that ripple has touched.
D16 came to us full time a year ago (we previously had 50/50) because bio mom put D16 in a horribly unsafe situation that resulted in restraining orders and charges being filed against a person H and I never even laid eyes on. It took months to get D16 just to commit to seeing her mother for an 8-12 hour visit. She was still only seeing bio mom every other weekend until early February. The day before she left for bio mom's she got into a huge fight with H over her virtual learning. H could've handled his temper better. D16 could've probably not doubled down on lying to the person with emails from teachers laying out missing work. The next day when she left D16 tried to say she just wasn't with her mom the entire last year because of the living situation. I called her out on that. And told her making the wrong choices for the wrong reasons doesn't work out well for any one, and she had a front row seat to that. She left any way.
H was hurt, sad, angry. And now has resigned to the fact that we have to just wait until bio mom does something bigger or more ridiculous or drop the BFF act for D16 to think about coming back. I, however, am absolutely livid that a weekend mom who's barely a mom at all is leveraging my pain for financial gain, for bonding with her daughter, and to spite her ex. Everything that I've had to endure through out this wasn't up for grabs. I just can't wrap my head around people who think they own my pain because they know about my pain. This woman who spent years trying to stop me from even being a normal kind person to her daughter is using one of the worst times in my life to boost herself up in D16's eyes. That just feels sick to me. I didn't know there was another person I could be as mad at as H or OW over this. But it is what it is. I have no control over D16 or her mom, no matter how clearly manipulative I can see the situation is. So I'm doing my best to let go and let god on this one.
Thing with H are still fairly status quo. We took a quarantine road trip H, myself and D17 to the major metropolitan area closest too us. Drove in, drove around, walked around one of the desolate areas just for a little while masked and gloved, got some carry out we can't get here, and drove immediately back no need to stop for gas or anything other than that. I know it's not super wise, but other than the guy who brought our food out to the car we were near no one. What was shocking was it was H's idea. It killed to not hold his hand in the car. But everything else about it felt so freaking normal, just like the way things used to be. We talked and talked. We laughed. We just had a good time. It's been so long since I was in his car with him for that long. It's been so long since I was in the car with him and the silence wasn't deafening and the tension palpable. Our road trips were a huge part of our relationship in the past and I didn't even know it was something I had missed until I had it back, even briefly. H said "hey next time we come this way I should take you to blah, blah, blah, you know that place in the movie we watched." It was a movie we watched last summer, before all of this ever even started. For just a split second, in that moment, it felt like none of this ever even happened. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks because I couldn't remember the last time he made future plans with me more than a few days out. That I hadn't made plans with my husband to just go do something for the h3ll of it since the first week in November. I hadn't made plans with my husband for some undetermined time in the future in just as long. I know we're not supposed to get hopeful. Can't trust them until they show you 100% they are in. It's safe to say I didn't. I just got pensive. I couldn't stop thinking about how something so tiny like "hey next time we come this way" could put me through so much so fast. I am in a more zen place than I have been. More back to the way I was, ready for him to go, and ready for him to leave. I just need to sit in all the layers of "next time we come this way" a little longer before I can really move past that moment.
When I was reading the end of your last post, how you were feeling when he was mentioning plans for the future, it reminded me of similar feelings you were having awhile back before this whole COVID thing happened— I think right around the time he started turning back towards you, and it threw you off your zen detachment for a bit. It seems like every time he leans in it discombobulates you a bit…. but he’s done a lot of leaning and steps toward you over these months and I wonder— just to ask you a question you’ve been asking me— have you taken a step back to see how far you’ve come? What will it take for him to do for you to open back up and drop your guard and stop being surprised when he talks about your future? Not saying there is a right answer. Just wondering what your thoughts are on that.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
