Gerda Finally Sees the Broken Fragments

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

An early Happy Easter to you.

I hope your Lent was fulfilling and illuminating.

I have thought of you, and your kids, often. Hoping and praying your situation is getting better. Wondering how you are all doing with the MLC from H and the Covid pandemic. The later being globally shared; even here in little town nowhere particular.

Our virtual sitting and enjoying a coffee together can still happen; physical distancing protocols are enforced. Who knew you and I just had a head start on everyone. I’ve never had so many phone calls, online meetings, been so connected - and yet see hardly anyone. Posting here has been good practice and I suspect we do not have as severe withdrawal symptoms as some of society seems to be suffering.

Peace to you.

DnJ

[Grace21]

Gerda - I'm missing your visits to the boards. Think of you often. Hope all is well, and your insanity will come to an end soon.

(((Gerda)))

Grace

[Gerda]

Westo, Own, all who stopped by with good wishes, love to you all.

Sjohn, once in a while during Lent I would check my thread and a couple of others, just peering in. It was really nice to see you were thinking about me, thank you so much.

DnJ, indeed, but I am not sure we need to be as socially distant as these boards require but it was great to see you stopped by. I read your thread once in a while and noticed from afar that all was still beautiful in DnJ Land. Grace even helped me once on a phone call by saying, "Well, DnJ would ask, what are you afraid of?" and that discussion led to a major epiphany.

Grace, my friend, you are in my thoughts all the time.

About the boards and me -- well, as usual, Lent taught me to lean on God more, to trust that He did not make a mistake. And a lot a lot a lot has happened. I am not really ready to do a long write-about to tell you everything, there is a lot to tell. I am very overwhelmed with all that I have to do each day so I don't even know when I will have time either! I will just say that the divorce stuff is far worse for me than anything I have to deal with in my city, and for those who know my city, that will tell you a lot. But I am pro se now and it has been amazing to finally stand up for myself. No one can shut me up now! The courts are closed but I have already won a couple of battles. But as far as what is going on here, I feel very lucky to be healthy and very sad for friends and family who have lost someone, happy for friends/family who have recovered from Covid. The future is so unknown as far as work, foreclosure, etc. I am at peace about everything.

And DnJ, today I heard from a student of mine who I taught in the 90's when I worked in one of America's most dangerous neighborhoods. We stayed in touch over the years, and he even stayed with me and H upstate once after 9/11 because he was struggling with what he had experienced that day. Anyway, he wrote to me today and it reminded me of the time you were so thunderstruck by the quote that H had taught me -- "The child can't distinguish between the gift and the giver." You talked about the impact that had on you, and how we never know how life will feed us what we need, how it happened that I knew that quote and how it came to you. Well, this student wrote to me a note about various other things, and then the quote below. I didn't even remember teaching that play to any students, let alone him,let alone that year. Thunderstruck. Sat here reading the quote a hundred times and thinking of all that happened to each of us and the world between the time that quote hit him, unbeknownst to me, in my class in an American ghetto in the 90's and now.

I imagine you are super busy doing online classes and try g to be their for your children and students. I know how great a teacher you are. So, any time you want to chat I'm here. But hopefully we can get back to normal life and be healthy soon.

There’s a quote I remember from reading Death of a salesman in your AP class ”The jungle is dark but full of diamonds”

Best to you and your family

(N)

I just keep reading it and weeping but from hope and joy.

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

That is a wonderful quote.

Wow, a student from the 90’s. That’s some impression you made.

You touch far more people than you realize my dear.

I am glad you and your family are healthy. And at peace about everything. Really glad about that.

DnJ

[Gerda]

I am at peace, DnJ, in many ways. But the war rages with H, no outer peace. I would really like to tell you all about it and hear your take. Just so overwhelmed here, no time to even write this. Good to "see" you though...

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

It is good to “see” you as well.

I would love to sit and listen and talk. Sharing, enjoying, a coffee or two or six, with heavy cream and sugar. Sharing and enjoy our company.

I am glad to hear you’re at peace.

Not the raging war, nor the overwhelming tasks that surround, can shake one’s inner peace.

A few moments; a few deep breaths; a gaze upward; an extending of your feelings towards the divine; re-anchors one when things do flare up.

How are son and daughter?

I suspect them being at home full time has been interesting for them. And you. Schools closed and lesson at home does take a bit to get used to.

Take a moment and swim in your peace.

It’s early morning here. The sky is dark blue/grey. As the sun slowly rises, the world awakens from dim monochromatic to vibrant colour. Much more is visible. One can see to the far off horizon. The tress, the leaves, the grass, the sky, the clouds, all comes into view from the shadowy embrace of night.

Awakenings are like that. The colour of our life returns.

I find such peace at sunrise. A reminder of new, and yet same.

Breathe it in.

DnJ

[Grace21]

Glad to see you popped by, Gerda. Think of you often. Let that inner peace wash over you. Feel it, live it.

Hugs,

Grace

[Gerda]

Think of you often.

Back at you, my friend!

[Gerda]

The promised cut and paste for DnJ --

I was talking about my jealousy of your kids' clear-headedness and ability to set boundaries and stand up for what is right and what they want/need. I am usually doing this on my own into not even a void -- I have a three-headed monster of insane cruel narcissistic H, the embodiment of his damaged soul in the form of his lawyer -- the world's nastiest and I am realizing quite stupid, greediest lawyer -- and a judge who is known in my city as the one divorce court judge who does not care about children or women. (As a woman herself, with an all-women courtroom --even the bailiff -- she is a particularly vicious misogynist, trying to show she doesn't pick favorites with women, no matter what their story is.) And then I have two kids who are so damaged that my efforts to heal them are SLOOOOOOOOOW.

Things are in a way much easier with S14, who sees and understands and is like your D, no point in reconnecting with a ghost who hurt you so much. He still struggles mightily with his emotional issues but is way better than last year and has basically no contact with H except for some CRAZY exchanges that happened during Lent and that one day I have to tell you about. With D11 (now 11!), she loves her dad in a weird middle school romance way that I find really disturbing. He is reckless and unsafe (pandemic choices that are shocking, vaping, drinking and emotionally abusive to her, talks about me horribly -- that I lie, steal his money, keep them apart, etc -- the whole time they are together) but she can't see it. Or rather, she sees it sort of but not enough to protect herself or set boundaries. She has a lot of learning disabilities and though she has a high level of emotional maturity, she literally can't understand many things people say. She struggles particularly with nonfiction in school (science, social studies, current events) and it takes me HOURS to help her understand that kind of school work. This crosses over into the world of H, where she doesn't know how to interpret what he is saying/doing. And it's not that I think I have to justify myself or get her approval on parenting choices but only that I want her to protect herself. She is afraid to even tell him basic things -- e.g., don't comment on her body, or no, I don't want to travel every other weekend to a city five hours a way if you move there. Or please don't vape when I am in the room/car. Or please don't talk about my mom for two hours straight when I say to stop. I have her in therapy finally so I am hoping this will help. But for now I have to battle my own feelings at times that she is betraying me. I know it's not true, I am only talking about interior feelings. I constantly have to discuss visitation issues and other issues with her because H feeds her so many lies, and sometimes I get so angry inside with her for not seeing the truth, and then have to conquer my own face and tone of voice to hide that anger so she won't feel bad. It's crazy making.

I still haven't caught you up with the details but I think now that Grace and I are IRL friends and talk on the phone at times, I got spoiled about how to catch up and it seems too daunting.

Also I notice after being away from the boards that there are two impulses to visiting them, at least for me. One is to get support from friends and provide support to them (and to new friends) but another is a sort of sad voyeurism, like binge watching a sad Netflix series. I have a lot of work to do and in free time I have my artistic projects to do, anything that pulls me from that, no matter how worthy, needs to be limited. So I know for myself I need to be very picky about reading threads, as much as I would like to help newcomers. I think updating my own thread from time to time and visiting the threads of the friends I already have here has to be my future plan, if I don't cut myself off from the boards entirely....

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

Catching up on threads can be a daunting task for sure. This forum is slow when compared to a phone call. You and Grace are lucky to have a IRL connection. I am happy at that “spoiling” that a you have.

I think it is a good sign of healing when one realizes the limited time available for here because they are so busy elsewhere. I do understand your limited free time and appreciate it when you invest some of it with me us here.

Yeah, I still talk like it’s just you and me sitting down having coffee.

Three characters - H, H’s L, and judge. Wow, what a group to have to face. The court proceedings have always sounded horrible. It will be such a relief when the settlement is reached.

I am sorry your kids are having a hard time. Setting boundaries and standing up for themselves is coming. Yes, it’s slow. Have faith and remember, you don’t heal them, you guide them, they heal them. You are the role model. You explain and empathize. They question, rationalize, accept, and heal.

S14, is growing up into a man. He is smart and sees what is going on. I like that he seeks to understand and is making choices to protect himself and consider boundaries. Do help him realize how to do that compassionately.

For a lad of 14, he needs some man stuff to do. And no that’s not all just sitting on the couch and burping. Although that does require many years of practice to get it right. Lol.

Last year, S14 was working with some construction worker and enjoyed it. He had some good male role models, and learnt some stuff. How about you ask S14, and encourage him, to fix those broken windows.

When I was 14, I mowed various lawns and shovelled snow. I also had a job as a handyman. I worked for a wealthy lady and repaired and remodelled a few rooms in her very large house/mansion.

Oh, that was a gorgeous house. I was amazed I was trusted to work there. I’d go over on weekends and work unattended. She’d tell me what she wanted the finished product to look like and I’d go about it. She set up a line of credit at the hardware store for me and left me to get things done. I’d get advice from my Dad, who was a rather handy man too.

So, for S14. I think fixing those broken windows. Painting them and reinstalling them would be such a good thing for him. And of course you get some windows fixed too.

Same for the hammock. He can manage to get that set up in the rat garden. He is probably pretty strong. Also, I don’t think you need any big rental drill for anchors, the basic small hand held one with a carbide bit will be fine for the anchors. However, I might suggest a hammock with its own stand, one that doesn’t affix to the wall. It is movable and doesn’t require any of that difficult installation.

There are lots of instructions and videos on the internet for how to glaze a window. (btw, glaze means install in window-speak so glazing putty is just installation putty).

Helping out - in a manly style - will be beneficial for son. Guys get a boost when they fix, create, and do stuff. He’ll get a boost in self confidence, and self image. Even emotional balance. Us men are weird that way. It’s how we define ourselves - at first.

I hope I’m not intruding too much here. It’s just, I do have some experience in this, being a guy, and raising three boys.

I also have a daughter.

Daddy will alway be a daughter’s first love. So yes, D11 will show signs of a middle school type relationship. It’s ok. She’ll grow and the relationship will mature.

Unfortunately, her Dad, is not a very good role model. You cannot go against this. Fighting D11 on this will not work. Have faith she will grow and will see what’s actually going on. And probably sooner than you think.

For now, and always, you are Mom. That is it’s own special bond. A bond between you and son, and a bond between you and daughter.

Keep showing D11 a good path. Tell her those ideals, assure her of her worth, let her feel safe with you. She is learning how to face and speak up to her Dad. A tough thing. Remember she loves her Dad. Learning boundaries and standing up for one’s self are hard lessons. Encourage her to find her voice and her compassion.

People do tend to define themselves by their hands, by what they do. Projects for S14 will alter his self image. It’s the same for D11. Projects will alter her. Help her to find her way.

My daughter had an affinity for babysitting. That nurturing instinct, which seems to usually be stronger on the female side, was indeed strongest with her when compared to the boys. D11 just turned eleven, so that is a little further away. However, there are many things a little “Gerda” would be able to, and want to do.

Let her embrace her artistic side. She can make a bead curtain for her bedroom doorway. I wonder what pattern or picture she would want to create out of beads. It’s a good way for a young girl to express herself.

Just a few ideas.

DnJ