Sorry you're going through this. It's not an easy situation to be in.
The key component to all of this is time. A lot of LBS don't understand this at the beginning because they are emotional and panicking and in severe distress over the loss of the R. I know - I was in the same boat you were in more than a year and a half ago.
I am still separated in house. It has been 14 months.
Here are a few pieces of advice I can give you that I've learned throughout this experience:
- WAS are in crisis. This is about them, not you. So many newbie LBS don't understand this. Expecting a WAS to know what they want out of an R or if they want a D when they don't know what they are doing with their own life is too much of an ask. Avoid ALL R talks for the immediate future - all it does is confuse you, cause more emotional pain, and damage whatever rapport you 2 have left.
- This takes TIME. Many LBS struggle with this aspect. It will not be days or weeks, it will be months or years for a WAS to change their mind - IF they do. Figure out if you can wait that long.
- Figure out what you want and then stick to it. Do you want mediation and D? Do you want to see if it will work out? Will you be able to forgive W if she wants to come back at some point in the far far future? Do you want a chance at keeping your family together? The answers to these questions dictate how you move forward.
- Figure out a way to manage your anxiety. Meditation helped me. Reading mindfulness books helped me. Remembering to live in the moment helped me. Starting IC helped me.
Hang in there, man. These are difficult times - work on improving your mental fortitude and strength. You CAN do this
Its all well and good to give it some time unless you are in an emotionally abusive situation, or you are facing an alimony threshold. Sounds to me that both of these apply to you. I think you are on the right track and suggest you continue to push forward at least until you are absolutely sure the alimony clock stops.
And if you are fairly confident that this will end up in divorce, I highly recommend that you push through as quickly as possible. Make this your mission. Because protracted limbo and a drawn out divorce with a WW always end up much, much worse for the BH.
The time component I think is the hardest part for me. I only lose. My kids lose. Heck, we all do by a WW or WAW's inaction.
I ended up scheduling mediation. Its a long session and I'm prepared. If we agree on things, this'll go fast.
After I told W the session date, she acted normal for awhile. No concerns at all. I later asked her to be the one to tell D4 whats happening and she teared up, started a long relationship chat. She finally mentioned how she feels. She brought up more things I did which I validated. I did say some awful things over the years now that I hear it out loud. I know I did it out of anger, anxiety and frustration. Mostly over lack of intimacy or from her disrespect, judgements and stonewalling. That doesnt excuse my words however. For example I told her before marriage that we were seeming incompatible and I wanted more time. Granted it looks like I was right...
She may be right to leave. She cant get over her feelings. She hasnt tried anyone professional or a book, though it sounds like there has been self reflection. I mentioned how I felt about some things. In the end, she wants time and said this chat is exactly what she wants. "If we could talk like this, Id be happy". She mentioned several times that she liked how we were communicating. It drew me in for a bit as well.
Problem is, those are just words. I see no actions. She continues caretaker activities like bringing me food while working on a project but thats not wifely, its motherly. She seems happy now. Whether it's because we are ending, she liked the chat, released guilt or thinks I'll cancel mediation, I dont know. I still dont see enough reason to cancel mediation.
She mentioned as a WW would that she doesnt know what she wants. Then listed out a want. She wants the thrill of a romantic relationship. Things she never seemed to care about with me, she thought it was corny. I think she's talking about OM without knowing it.
Im really deeply and profoundly sad. Just a few days left before we seal the deal. She scheduled an appointment for the dog before our mediation session which may throw it off and make me move it. I dont know if this was purposeful. I want an f***ing family unit. So does she. Its not that hard or expensive to talk to a counselor, I just dont get it. Dont need to though, it is what it is. I dont have the patience to be used while she possibly takes ages to think about things.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Just a few words here. So you know, mediation, D, papers signed and all the rest will not be the end of your suffering and your spinning. It will still be there afterwards. Read some of the vets' older posts from years ago. You'll see what I am talking about.
It sounds to me like you're hoping this action will terminate all your pain.
It won't. You'll still have to process all the pain, you simply cannot skip that step. There is no shortcut, there is no quick fix. You MUST go through it - like all the rest of us.
So - knowing that, knowing everything will be exactly the same emotionally, D or not, knowing how conflicted you are and how angry you are and sad that you are, knowing how badly you want to try to make this work, or at least be given the opportunity to try, I have a question for you.
I totally agree with what you’re saying and D will not stop the pain but if he is on an alimony deadline then I am in total agreement with his decision.
D or no D he can still reconcile. He needs to protect himself.
I totally agree with what you’re saying and D will not stop the pain but if he is on an alimony deadline then I am in total agreement with his decision.
D or no D he can still reconcile. He needs to protect himself.
Ok I understand and yes, you are right - that is paramount. Has he made the final decision to D? From the post above he seemed very unsure what he wanted to do.
I agree with IW that your pain will not go away with D, and may get worse for awhile.
I also agree with LH that you need to protect yourself. I don't know the details about your alimony situation. One of the most DB things you can do is stand up for your parenting and financial rights. D is one way to do so. Maybe there are other means.
I think patience is always the best option as long as you are on roughly equal footing.
Thanks gentlemen. I'm not looking to end things to avoid the pain, stop the pain or to find happiness. Its to move to a better situation.
-My kids are not seeing a healthy marriage -Im providing for someone who may or may not give a Sh** about me when I could instead have the resources for the kids and I -The longer this sitch lasts, the more I lose financially -Im not in a sitch like others where there is still some emotional, physical and or spiritual connection. We have none of that. What's the point then? -I waited this out quite awhile already. In 4 to 5 months itll be a year.
W and I had another chat and I did something stupid that I regret right now, I let her talk me in to cancelling the session. She mentioned again how she wants time but didnt want to commit. She told me she found an IC and will begin counseling with him. Well, after I cancelled mediation, I see no action yet. Our chat was great and she seemed genuine but now I think I fell for her untruthful words again. Part of it was that I realized I wasn't yet ready for mediation as well. I want the action to end things to come from her, not me though itll likely be me.
My WW is and has continued to do nothing. I do expect some kind of action after this much time. Whether its fair or not to have that expectation, I think its not fair for the kids and I, and even her to be stuck in this dead marriage.
I read online how some people can never get over their first love, and whom seek it out the rest of their lives. W during the chats was basically telling me she wants someone with personality traits I know OM has or you know, in reality she is wanting him. Funny thing is she fell for me when I had different traits and specifically told me several times that the things she now wants are corny and stupid.
Our talks pulled me or maybe us both in for a short time but that has already passed for me. Im back to considering filing and just being done with this BS. Not to avoid the pain, but to move on.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I agree she baited you. She knows about the alimony and probably wanted to see if you were still hooked. No way I would let her get that extra money. You can always recon later.
I'm not looking to end things to avoid the pain, stop the pain or to find happiness. Its to move to a better situation....Im back to considering filing and just being done with this BS. Not to avoid the pain, but to move on.
From the tone of your posts, I am not convinced you are emotionally ready to file.
However, you do need to protect yourself financially. Maybe this means filing for D (if that is the only option). Maybe this means a financial separation. IDK. Maybe consult a L (discreetly) about your options.
Once you are on relatively equal/stable footing with finances and the kids, by all means, stand as long as you want. Or don't. If you aren't on equal footing, you are not standing for your MR.
Originally Posted by Core
I want the action to end things to come from her, not me though itll likely be me.
You wouldn't be the first person here to put up with a lousy financial situation waiting for your WAS to initiate the action.
