I'm back to fear over the situation here. Overall just journaling here though any feedback or 2x4s are appreciated.
My W stating she would go to IC gave me hope. What gave me fear is the counselor she has chosen. The counselor is at the same practice as mine and they work closely together. Neither being a marriage counselor. Why W would choose a connection to mine worries me and my counselor himself said that we need to be careful and that they would only take in my W if I agree after we all meet and thoroughly discuss the possibility. This makes me think the counselor sees a r3d flag.
I see many myself after our recent chats. BPD and NPD traits left and right. "You broke me", "youll NEVER change", "I dont know how I feel"', the guilt relieving apology, her taking action only when I try to leave. Its truly seems like a I hate you dont leave me state she is in.
I think I did break her. My anxiety got bad and I lost focus on her. If it is BPD, people with the illness usually are most healed at her age. If I can break her at her best, imagine when BPD worsens again in the 50s and beyond. Add in a lifetime of not being treated and well, I see no hope.
I think I have to end this for everyone. Marriages put a strain on BPDs and they can become better alone. A semi healed ex would be better for the kids than a broken fake marriage. Im not strong enough yet to do this for them however. Ive my own issues and I dont want to possibly make the wrong call. Me or my IC cant diagnose W, unless shes in counseling. It may be something else. When I talked to my counselor a few days ago, they told me they never seen a person take so long to decide on the state of their marriage. My counselor is prob about 55 so theyve had experience.
Normally as a spouse gets better, the other spouse follows. Well my W has done nothing. I checked our router usage, she's looked up no counselors or self help whatsoever. None, even after we had mediation scheduled.
So many lies, do I believe anything? Did she ever love me? Did she manipulate me and pretend all was ok to have our 2nd child?
W says I was never there for her at the tough times. She was rarely there for mine...seems like projecting. W says I look down on people and think Im better...myself, counselor and best friend call me humble and sometimes insecure...seems like projecting.
My outlook here is sh$t and sh$t. I can end my family, dreams and create trauma which could cause D and S to become BPD themselves later in life or I can continue forward in a relationship where I may never truly be loved and always walk on eggshells or we go to counseling, fix this temporarily and just end up back here down the road. My W is right to end it I think. Ive never seen her self improve, not one book, seminar, nothing besides marriage counseling years ago which was her trying to change me.
What do I do? All the futures are horrifying. I can make the best of any outcome but I dont know which option is best for all. These kids are incredible and Ill take a proverbial bullet if need be, but which choice? I also reread all this and have to wonder if Im projecting. What if Ive fooled my own counselor and Im truly BPD or other cluster B.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
outlook here is sh$t and sh$t. I can end my family, dreams and create trauma which could cause D and S to become BPD themselves later in life or I can continue forward in a relationship where I may never truly be loved and always walk on eggshells or we go to counseling, fix this temporarily and just end up back here down the road. My W is right to end it I think. Ive never seen her self improve, not one book, seminar, nothing besides marriage counseling years ago which was her trying to change me.
^^^^^^you are telling me these are the only 2 options and outcomes in your situation?
I’ll tell you this. My ex cheated on me and left me when our D was 6 months for his affair partner which he is married to now, 12 years later.
My daughter is a well-adjusted, loved, brilliant emotionally intelligent young lady. She is a very happy kid with friends and a positive outlook.
I hve a feeling if I stayed in the marriage with a cheater who had no desire to change and treated me as I did and I took it, my daughter wouldn’t be as well adjusted as she is now. She would have suffered a lot of damage.
Ginger, did you get full custody or more than 50/50? I feel like that plus your Ds age helped. Not discounting all your work, growth and parenting of course which is likely the biggest factor in her positive development. My D4 loves Disney and families. She'll get hit by this. I think my son could be ok at this age, but my D4 absolutely loves family units. I feel like her reality would be shattered. I'd feel much more comfortable if she was younger.
On the flipside to your point, I could do everything possible on my end if we split, to give the kids a better life. Would 50 percent of the time be enough? And thats assuming I'm ok. We will lose our house, school district if we D. Education and quality of life will drop for all but mostly me being the breadwinning H.
This is so hard, I dont want to be the one to file however I think I have to.
At this point my W has not initiated 1 relationship chat, unless its after I tried to move on. No out of the blue comments or realizations unless I started a chat.
Last edited by Core; 04/24/2004:26 PM.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
You have to try to forgive yourself and understand you did the best that you could at the time. It's normal for your to be fearful of starting all over with two young kids. I went through the same thing but my kids were a little older. Like G said my kids are also doing great and my relationship couldn't be better with them. They just got their report cards and the lowest grade between the two was 81. Now does that sound like two kids whose lives were "destroyed" when I got divorced?
I'm not surprised she hasn't made any changes because A. she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her and B. quite feeling change is hard. For most people it is easier just to start over with someone else.
I got majority custody. He didn’t want anymore then his every other weekend and one night a week.
Yes, it was mostly my parenting. And her seeing how strong her mother is.
Of course they are going to be shattered at first. But life Is not a Disney movie. And as time goes on your kids will see that. In the long run they would see right through the facade you guys will be putting up. He cheating and cake eating, you miserable and unable to stand up for yourself out of fear.
That’s not so Disney movie like is it?
Parents who decide to stay together for their kids only works when they are committing to making the marriage better for themselves. They BOTH decide to work towards a healthy marriage for their kids sake.
Staying together the way you guys are right now is not what’s best for the kids. You’ll know when your wife wants to recommit to making your marriage work . And you might have to be divorced first for that. And stand on your own 2 feet and guide your kids through this.
It is not going to be easy at all. But I truly believe your ex is stringing your along for financial reasons. And that won’t end in a Disney fairytale
Is it clear from an outsider perspective that I'm holding on to nothing and should end this M? What does my sitch look like non objectively?
Are there any similar sitches that didnt go the D route and actually repaired? Hoosjims and Steve85s were kind of similar but their Ws seemed much different. I haven't found one success with a W that seemed to have no interest in changing after this much time?
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
A word of caution to counter a bit what your IC has said, I've been in a state of limbo for 20 months. So sometimes it takes a very long while for a WAS to decide what they want.
I would recommend not judging your sit based on others - every one is different.
