Idk what to do or believe anymore

[BenB]

Glad to help, but I should add that if her email is registered, once the card is removed she will receive an email confirming that all payment details have been removed.

[JosephS]

It’s her email, so she’ll definitely get the notification. But that’s ok, it doesn’t mean I have to respond to anything she says.

[JosephS]

If you get the chance, read IrishM’s sitch. Sounds a lot like his ex W and what happened between her and his daughters which he has full custody over.

My daughter is 12. And I could never ever imagine speaking to her the way your ex speaks to your D . I’m so sorry for what you ate all going through. Only a very sick woman can act like that

Well that was mildly terrifying. I read his first few threads and skimmed the next few. Idk if my W is acting quite as extreme as his, but good lord it’s close. I guess I can take the positivity of the fact she normally reaches out a time or two a day. And she went back from the immediate I want a divorce to the idk what I want. But no two sitchs are the same completely, but that is scary close enough for my liking.

And my poor kids. I always assumed she’d snap out of it even if it took 6 months and be a good mom again even if we did end up divorced, but, I now have 2 examples where that very well could be a pipe dream

[Ginger1]

if She does “snap out of it” she’s going to a sh!t lid of irreparable damage. Your best bet right now is to learn from Irish how he has helped his daughters. He is quite amazing. I think you are doing well protecting them, she’s already laid some pretty serious groundwork for damage .

I hope she gets the help she needs. I never believe this kind of damage is just a MLC. There has to be some kind of underlying mental illness that needs treatment

[JosephS]

if She does “snap out of it” she’s going to a sh!t lid of irreparable damage. Your best bet right now is to learn from Irish how he has helped his daughters. He is quite amazing. I think you are doing well protecting them, she’s already laid some pretty serious groundwork for damage .

I hope she gets the help she needs. I never believe this kind of damage is just a MLC. There has to be some kind of underlying mental illness that needs treatment

I don’t think the damage is irreparable if she puts the work in. That’s obviously a huge if, but that would be up to her. I’ve had to many friends come back from Iraq or Afghanistan to say anything is irreparable.

Will she be 100% the same? I highly doubt it. But I truly believe if she put the work in she could get close. But again, that’s up to her to pursue that help and take it seriously.

Im not sure about mental illness with her. She never showed signs of it for 16 plus years. So idk. All I know for sure is she’s turned into a massive narcissist when she use to be humble. And she is incredibly selfish over everyone including her children. And she lies about almost everything now. To the point where she’ll contradict herself during the same conversation. That’s what I know for sure.

Idk what the future holds. If I was a betting man I’d say she’s gonna divorce me in time. Somehow I’ll be blamed for it. It’ll be she can’t get over some lie she made up about me, or who knows. Heck she’s started to try to blame me for turning the kids against her. Haven't heard that in a little while though. We’ll see, just keeping the faith, taking things one day at a time, and praying for guidance.

[JosephS]

Journaling

Had a nice time at my brothers house yesterday. He has 14 acres of land and has had a lot of trees come down. He has 3 kids and 2 of them are close to 2 of my kids ages. So he said screw the social distancing and come over. Help me with some of this work and let the kids play. You can get some of your anger out with helping me with all this. So we went, kids had a great time. His W took D15 to get food for everyone from Domino’s and they took about an hour longer than they should have. She’s a special needs teacher and a great woman. I’ve known her since I was 13 years old. She ended up talking to D15 for hours. Made sure D15 had her number and told her whenever you need someone I’m here and if you wanna go clothes shopping or get your nails or hair done together just call and I’ll pick you up. D15 really lit up being there and talking to her aunt.

The other kids just played together all day outside with their 2 dogs. (Boston terrier and a Rottweiler black lab mix)

We came home S16 went upstairs to play PlayStation and the rest of us watched Tangled and than The Perks of being a wallflower. Never seen the Wallflower one, thought it was pretty good and would recommend. W did call last night, and again everyone ignored.

Today I woke up to a group message to everyone from the W that said good morning everyone. In my I’m not awake stupor I said “good morning?” back. And I immediately realized there goes NC. And because I enjoy making things worse. In regular none group message

Me: Just to clarify I wasn’t trying to be a prick. I just assumed you’d text one of the other group chats or make a new one. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be included or if I should have ignored it.

W: I just said good morning, it’s not like I asked you to take me now lol. I just said good morning.

Me: lol I understand you weren’t saying take me now. I was just confused because you never say good morning...or hi....ever

W: Uh... sorry? Idk I just thought I’d say hello that way. I didn’t think it was a big deal

Me: You don’t have to say sorry. It doesn’t bother me if you don’t talk to me. Just didn’t wanna say hi back if it wasn’t intended for me too that’s all.

W: ok

I haven’t and won’t respond.

I figured in the middle there if I already screwed up with the NC and not doing that, I may as well try to make it seem like I’m moving on with or without her with that it doesn’t bother me if you don’t talk to me comment. Of course that’s not true, but alas, hopefully she can’t see right thru that.

[Traveler]

Hi Joseph,

In my I’m not awake stupor I said “good morning?” back. And I immediately realized there goes NC.

Saying "Good morning" in response to "Good morning" is a small thing. It may have been easier, better to stay NC but that simple interaction would be unlikely to have much impact on your situation.

Me: Just to clarify I wasn’t trying to be a prick. I just assumed you’d text one of the other group chats or make a new one. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be included or if I should have ignored it.

Me: lol I understand you weren’t saying take me now. I was just confused because you never say good morning...or hi....ever

You don’t have to say sorry. It doesn’t bother me if you don’t talk to me. Just didn’t wanna say hi back if it wasn’t intended for me too that’s all.

This is where imho you goofed--taking a molehill ("good morning") and making it into a mountain (a big conversation with negativity). I see negativity in--"I wasn't trying to be a prick, you never say good morning or hi ever, it doesn't matter if you don't talk to me." You may hate the choices she's made, you may be enforcing tough boundaries, but you will probably be sharing parenting duties to some degree with her your whole life. Imagine her reviewing this conversation.. alone, with friends, with family, with ICs, with her lawyer and saying "This is what happens when I say good morning. I just can't talk to this guy."

I figured in the middle there if I already screwed up with the NC and not doing that, I may as well try to make it seem like I’m moving on with or without her

Your responses came across as angry to my ear. I didn't hear a "don't care / moving on" vibe.

[JosephS]

Thanks for the feed back CWarrior. I was afraid it would come off that way. I guess it did. It’s just the moment I am nice, or even neutral I get treated like crap immediately. I honestly don’t care if she shows her friends or family. As far as a lawyer she won’t go that route. She’s just flat out not interested in being a mom outside of a hello and goodnight.

Quite honestly I am angry. I just get tired of the drama no matter what. My initial response of good morning with the ? At the end...I have been trained may have gotten her mad. I honestly was confused why I was included all.

But you’re right, I over reacted.

[11dmnds]

But what I miss isn’t here anymore.

Just catching up as a newbie but this is good, I wrote this down in my journal. Who I miss isn’t here anymore! That person doesn’t exist now.

[JosephS]

Well I decided to pray, because I was angry this morning. I prayed for comfort and peace. And I prayed on whether I owned the W an apology. I decided I did. It felt like the right thing to do, and honestly I feel better after doing it and she was receptive to it and it didn’t cause anymore issues.

Me: I wanted to apologize and say I’m sorry. The way I came off this morning was rude. You were trying to be polite and just say good morning and I became suspicious instead of just accepting your kindness, I had to question it. I am sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, and i hope it doesn’t discourage you from reaching out or saying hello or good morning again in the future. Truth is I do like hearing from you. And I do care when I do. Will you accept my apology?

W: Of course. It’s cool. We’re good.

Me: Thank you it means a lot.

The suspicious questioning is something I’ve really gotta work on. I’m just so darn use to the lying and hiding stuff I’m always wondering what’s really going on. Am I being set up for something? I gotta turn that off. I just read some advice that Steve85 was giving someone, and it was his marriage was over, but there could be a marriage 2.0 in the future. And I have to remember, if I am willing to wait this out for even a 10% chance of us getting back together in the future, this “marriage is over”. And I need to have her fall back in love with me. And that’s not gonna happen right now period. She’s not herself, and she may never be herself again. But if she does ever come back, than I need to be confident, polite, not suspicious and strong in every way.

Idk if I made a mistake apologizing. I really don’t. But Cwarrior was right. I didn’t handle this morning correctly at all. Hasn’t been 2 months yet, but I do gotta get this right like now. And I probably didn’t need to add the I enjoy you reaching out and I like hearing from you. And I certainly didn’t need to add will you accept my apology. Smh. Man, it’s been a bad few days with me getting this right. Alright, gotta do better starting now.

New goals, be polite, but confident without being arrogant. No 1st contact, but will keep any reply to a minimum without be callous. I feel like that’s what’s right to do.

If anyone has any advice I’d really appreciate it. I think I’m having a bad few days because she still hasn’t asked to see the kids, and for some reason that’s really breaking my heart.