One thing I have tried doing that helps is look at my H as a zoo animal. This sounds wrong, but I see it more from an observation point that I can't have interaction with. When he comes up and grumpy "Hmm that primate is angry. He doesn't understand(listen) to me, so there's no point in saying anything in-depth or meaningful. I will listen to his grumblings if he does them and offer to placate him with words (validation) " I also try to remember that he has an entire life beyond me, and chances are with everyone he's interacted with, the fact that it's me that angered him is slim.
Ha! Good way of looking at it. Don't put much value on their grumbling. Thanks, Cest_Moi!
Carrying on in this quarantine situation. H continues to be mostly friendly, sometimes flirty (i.e came into my office area and randomly kissed me the other day). Also, I sometimes feel like I'm in the friend zone with him. We are still friends through this - enjoy many of the same shows, similar sense of humor, etc. H seems so comfortable with me he will discuss the future with me living alone with our daughter in a friendly manner or ask questions about things related to living apart from me, such as what bedding he should buy. Like many of us, this makes me wonder sometimes if I'm signaling that I'm too okay with all of this. But I want him to know I WILL be okay if he leaves, but it's not going to be all sunshine and rainbows with seeing me and the baby. I think he has an idealized take on all of this; that he'll get his own nice apartment (not going to happen with his financial situation) but he'll be the cool dad and still see the baby every day somehow and stay on good terms with my family and our mutual friends.
Besides working, putting my energy into ramping up my exercise routine lately since I have more time at home. Boosts my confidence, makes me feel productive, and helps eliminate some of my frustration. I've also been looking around the house and planning some smaller home renovation projects I'd like to eventually do. Making a plan for decorating and arranging the house should my H ever actually move out to make it a cozy space for me and my daughter. H has always had anxiety about money and would get anxious when I spent anything aside from paying bills (and I'm honestly a naturally frugal person, buy alot of second hand inexpensive clothes, choose to eat in to save money, etc). I also have never defaulted on any of my bills (whereas he has), have good credit, and make about double what he makes, so him getting anxious about me spending money is silly. But it will be nice to buy some throw pillows or something without him getting nervous!
^^^^ I like the ramping up exercise routine!!! I think you are exuding a great attitude!!!
Yeah... the flirty, kiss thing would definitely make me the WT*. And all this nice talk like you are room mates makes me think he is still living in the fantasy of what he thinks his life is going to be like rather than the reality of what life is like without you.
It's got to be so hard 'stuck' in the home and not able to get out and do your own thing and make him think and wonder what you are up to.
Hang in there... You are doing a great job of focusing on you!
Thanks, KitCat! Losing the last of the baby weight will feel good. I'm so glad that we've had such nice weather in our area during all of this too - taking lots of walks with the baby as well. Makes me feel better to see other people even from a distance aside from my H.
Lately, I've been finding myself fantasizing about finding another boyfriend/H. Does anyone else find themselves doing this? It would be so nice to be with more readily wanted to spend time with me and respects me. My H hasn't been himself for over 2 years now, and it all started with him being grumpy and not wanting to do things we've always enjoyed together as a couple and with our friends (didn't want to go on any trips, would sulk when we went out to bars/restaurants, etc). H has been acting so juvenile these 2 years, I've been daydreaming of someone who acts his age, wants to enjoy life, appreciates having a sig other who is there for them, who is more proactive about housework and repairs, wants to go on vacations, etc. I'm not sure if it's a healthy behavior to fantasize about a next relationship, but it does make me feel more optimistic about the future, instead of picturing it as a single lonely mom.
I've also been focusing on the idea that this man H is right now is not the person I married. Why would I choose to be married to this current person? He is someone else right now. He seems selfish and consumed with himself and his hobbies. He is good with the baby, but doesn't always give her 100% of his presence and attention if he wants to text or watch videos. I don't know if he'll ever return fully to his old self again, but this isn't someone I want to be married to. His hobbies and interests have even really changed. Since we've been in quarantine, he's been really into making silly videos (which is fun but also seems a little juvenile to me) and also has been toying around with some psychedelic drugs in low doses. Which he's never done before. I of course will not leave him alone with the baby when he's using them. I don't say anything to him about using them besides asking him to be safe. Sometimes I wonder if some of these are symptoms of an early MLC. A dark part of me wants to document his use to make a claim for full custody too when/if we D.
Finally getting on for an update. H and I continue to get along well as our mostly in home quarantine continues. We worked together nicely on some home improvement projects over the weekend. It was nice to see him put in the effort when this would NOT have been something he would have done 1 year ago. He still likes to push decisions on me and refers to the house as "mine".
I don't know if this is the wisest DBing choice, but we have been intimate quite a few times as well. He definitely spouts some nonsense during the act about wanting to reconcile, etc. I'm glad I read the book "Why Men Marry B****", so I'm sure it's all BS, and I don't it seriously.
One thing I have been struggling with, is that as our baby is outgrowing some of her clothes and toys, H keeps asking me to sell or donate them and doesn't want to store them in the basement (where there is plenty of space). I've mentioned this before, but one of his major issues with our M was that after I got pregnant, he said he changed his mind about kids, first saying he didn't want our baby, and then saying he would accept that we were having a baby but did not want any more kids. (pre-M and for years, we've always wanted multiple kids). And that was one of the main reasons he told me we should S/D at bomb drop, because I wanted more kids and he had changed his mind and did not. Staying in my current M or not, it's hard for me to give up the idea of not having any more kids and I don't really want to give away hundreds of dollars of baby supplies right now. Do I push back and tell him that? Or do I go along with it and get rid of the baby stuff? I have made a comment at one point (may have been a bad move) when he mentioned not having any more kids that I may still have more children [with someone else].
Just one man's opinion. Stuff is just stuff. And can be replaced. I am not a huge fan of storing things, so just take this with a grain of salt. But I would be inclined to donate them. And then if and when you are ready to have another you can have the fun and joy that goes with the shopping for the new baby!
In short, getting rid of the baby items now doesn't mean you won't/can't have another baby (or babies).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If you have space to store all those things, by all means store them if you're still not ready to get rid of them. If not for having a second baby, those things have sentimental value. I picked a few things from my babies to keep. They're kept in a small box which doesn't take up a lot of space. If he cannot respect your sentiments, and keep insisting on not wanting to have more kids with you....maybe you can just repeat yourself, "I'm keeping these just in case I'm going to have another baby." Because you're right, it does not have to be with him.....lol!
I agree with keeping a few things for sentimental purposes, but I also agree with Steve that stuff is stuff and all replaceable. It doesn't have to mean anything. It feels a little similar to the piano question (that was you, right?)
My guess is that it feels like pressure to him, that staying in the R with you means capitulating to having more children. It is no skin off your back to donate the clothes and supplies, or sell them and buy something new for the baby with the $$. Someone else can get a lot of use out of them when they'd otherwise be sitting in your basement, silently pressuring your H. But the things you really love and want to hold onto-- keep those.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thanks Steve, wooba, and May. You're right, it's just stuff in the end so it probably is best to keep a few sentimental items and can sell or donate the rest. I sometimes can't decide when I need to push back and stand up for myself on decisions versus let him "win" to benefit the R.
And that's right May, I did have the piano situation as well!
Feeling like H is really trying my patience lately. Part of it may be I'm just getting on his nerves since he's been around me so much since the quarantine situation. I need to work on withdrawing from him in our house and spending more time alone. The other night instead of watching TV after dinner as we usually do, I sat outside by myself with a glass of wine. He comes out after 10 minutes to join me, which surprised me.
H was irritable this weekend. He has alot of pet peeves but everything I did seemed to be getting on his nerves. I accidentally dropped a can of bug spray (no harm done, just a clumsy move) and he got irrationally angry with me. I questioned how he could honestly be so angry if it just was a harmless clumsy move. He had a few instances of that over the weekend and I even made a comment that he's been more crotchety as he's gotten older (as compared to when we were dating/early in our M when he was more laid back and sweet) to which he said, that he feels like he's just being more honest with his feelings lately. This probably isn't very notable in my DB situation, but did make me add another pro on the side of us separating, so I don't have to deal with him getting annoyed with me for the littlest things.
I feel like we are still stuck in some sort of limbo. H continues to sleep on the couch in our study with some old pillows and a sleeping bag. I'd respect him more if he used actual bed linens or even bought a real bed and turned it into another bedroom. He hasn't made any comments the last few months about moving out, but does refer/insinuate that I will be living on my own in the future. I had to bring up the future in regards to a childcare issue and he starts asking me about when *I* want to sell our house and if I want to downsize.
I did previously question if it would be wise or not to ask him when he would be moving out, but I ultimately decided this felt like pressure, so have not asked.
I feel myself really struggling not being able to picture the future. I've been mentally preparing myself to be on my own as my D gets older and trying to picture how my day to day would be. I know that when/if H leaves me, I'll be okay, and life will go on. I just sometimes can't see how that would not be a step backwards for me. I try to focus on the benefits of not living with H, such as not having to worry about all of his pet peeves and being able to make financial decisions on my own.
