ADHD : that's this gal! That's me! I like to call it "special smart". A different way of thinking. I have been in high funtioning positions with & without medication. Diagnosed over 20 years ago. I read an article about it and had that AH HA!!! moment. I knew that was me.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Andrew - have you read up on adhd? Amen has a good book on it describing different types. It might be helpful for you to understand the brain chemistry behind it. It’s more then just being scatter brained and losing your keys but good at multi tasking. Many adhd people thrive on conflict and learning how to approach it might help you to prepare.
Originally Posted by CanBird
ADHD : that's this gal! That's me! I like to call it "special smart". A different way of thinking. I have been in high funtioning positions with & without medication. Diagnosed over 20 years ago. I read an article about it and had that AH HA!!! moment. I knew that was me.
I would have my doubts about Dr. Amen - not because I'm familiar with his work, but because he seems focused on marketing quick fixes etc. The one quote on his Wikipedia page describes some of his work as "spectacularly meaningless." With that said, he may be right on the ball but from what I saw during some brief browsing, is that most of his work isn't all that accessible to "my" brain.
S is I believe fairly self-aware about the way her brain works. Having kids with similar issues that she's had to manage on her own probably helps with that. She's had to for example learn the different ways that her kids will process information and build structures to assist them. She knows that she has limitations on her own processes. Making appointments is hard on her - she's needed to make an appointment to have the brakes on her van looked at for some months. She'll often have a dozen different craft projects in various stages of completion - mostly cross-stitch. Meal planning doesn't. But I've seen her throw a healthy, nutritious meal together in short order out of seemingly random ingredients on a moment's notice. Something that I am absolutely not capable of.
The losing the keys thing is perhaps a good example. Since we've met, S has lost her cell phone while we were on a hike, the keys to her storage locker and her engagement ring. They've all turned up eventually. She doesn't fuss about them being lost and so I don't either and just have confidence that they'll show up. I on the other hand can tell you exactly where my 1997 taxes are and give you a good guess as to how many 1 1/4" wood screws are in my workshop and where to find them.
She does I think like the fact that I am a planner. She was excited asking what I was going to be doing for Sunday supper counting on the fact that I usually have that planned out days in advance. She likes the fact that I have no issue going around organizing and tidying and cleaning up. And she appreciates the fact that I have no issue with it all being turned back into chaos when she is creating.
We also have things that grate. Her apparent lack of focus or being methodical when trying to figure something out is frustrating to me. My tendency to go on long long long explanations over trivial things, especially when she's trying to sleep frustrates her.
I think that there's a lot of potential for us as a team as long as we respect and understand those things that each brings.
JuJu / CanBird - even though I'm initially discounting Dr. Amen's work, tips on how to navigate this successfully would be appreciated. I'm not a "self-help" kind of guy though. More a "New Yankee Workshop" sort S does read a lot of books about ADHD and online articles and they seem to help her quite a bit.
---------
Rabbit hutch is almost done. Both floors are in. There is a bit of a question if the opening for the ramp from one level to another is big enough but the consensus between S and S13 is "probably" and that it's worth giving it a try. Easy enough to cut it bigger. I just need to finish the top which is easy, install the wire front and make doors. We're going to put it in the enclosed front porch for now. It' 4' high, 8' long and 2' deep. Each rabbit will get probably about 3 times the space in a commercial hutch. Not counting the cost of what came out of my scrap lumber pile I'm probably into it for about $60.
S told me yesterday that S17's plan to move in with his buddy is a definite yes with an indefinite time to happen. I'm just going with the flow and making sure that there's a place here if it's needed.
She went through something similar with her oldest son years ago and as far as I know it all worked out just fine. More than one way to parent I would presume.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Snowy blowy day here. Not "winter" but certainly not spring. The wee birds are enjoying my feeder and S spotted a cardinal there yesterday which made her feel nostalgic for where she grew up and she commented that it really made her feel that this was "home" now.
She dropped off S13 to his dad yesterday afternoon for about a week and went back to her apartment for a couple of days. I think she's planning on coming back here tomorrow or the next day. I think that now we have the certainty of a "move-in date" that her own planning and expectations are coming together much better. She has a definite strategy now of what she's bringing over and when and what she's leaving at the apartment for now.
There's a couple of big things that will require coordination such as her convection stove (mine's a regular one) and her dining room table which is much nicer than what's here. There are a few things we want that are usually available at yard sales and lots we have to get rid of which would also be yard sale but - no yard sales. Hopefully by late May that won't be an issue any more. She'll be giving notice at the first of May which still gives us through into June to move stuff.
The start of May which will also be S's 52nd birthday. I've been coordinating things with her kids and BFF. We're planning on a video chat presuming that gatherings of more than 5 still aren't allowed. Cake has been ordered and will be available for "porch pickup". S picked out what BBQ she wanted and I drove up to the local city yesterday after work with the utility trailer and got it at Home Depot. I was pleased with how well the process went. I ordered it online for pickup. My instructions were to call first but that just got me the instructions to go to the store. They had the parking lot laid out with markers, I drove to the designated spot after checking in with the person standing outside. A few minutes later someone wheeled out the big box, loaded it and I was on my way. It's in the shed right now still in the box and I need to check with S to see if she wants me to assemble it (probably). I also picked up a full tank of propane.
I wore one of the new fabric masks I got with a tissue folded into 4 layers between the layers of fabric as a bit extra protection. It fit well and was very comfortable so I wore it from when I stopped at the hardware store until my last human interaction before gong home. At home, I removed the tissue, threw it into the laundry pile, then thorough hand washing. Now that I have a total of 5 fabric masks that will make life a bit easier as I can be confident of always having one clean and ready to go. I agree with what kml suggested - this is going to be the normal for a while. I'm still very much in the minority wearing them here though but I no longer feel awkward about it.
While I was out and since S wasn't going to be here for a day or so, I stopped off and picked up some beer. I was rather surprised that the beer store (essentially a province-wide monopoly here) was very low on stock. They laughed when I asked for a 12 of a popular brand but my second choice had a bit in stock although they had to put random singles into a box for me. I've not read anything about a shortage so if this is indeed a thing, I expect that there will be a run on the beer and liquor stores shortly. It undoubtedly won't be pretty.
I'd had a suspicion on where my ex and OM had moved to - a new high end subdivision so drove around that as it was sort of - kind of - not really on my way home. No sign of their vehicles so I may well have been wrong.
As those who are playing the home game know, I've been thinking of her probably far too much lately. Not obsessively - those days are long in the past - but just out of a curiosity on if she's well and safe. The comments on DnJ's thread makes me think. Unlike his or OwnIt's phantoms, I don't think that my ex is ever going to hit any sort of bottom. She'll probably hover along as she has for the rest of her life. She's got her OM and presumably his money and mine. She has as much of a relationship with her kids as she really ever had before bomb-day which was never much. The closest enabling echo chamber friends she had before are as far as I'm aware still around. Despite her being an extrovert, she never really had many friends so is undoubtedly fine. My channels of intel were shut down a while ago so I don't know anything more and am fine with that.
She undoubtedly has the guilt and shame of what went on although she always was good at manipulating her personal truth to be whatever she wanted it to be. I would expect that she's well informed on what is going on in my life if she chooses to be. She certainly appeared wrapped up in that last year when she lurked in the shrubberies and got suddenly involved in S25's life helping him buy a car and taking him for driving practice. But time keeps moving along and she's not stuck her head above the parapet since then. She did seem to follow the MLC script to the letter including the obligatory tattoos but there's no sign of her spiraling out of control.
She did always love and made a point of making sure I knew how much she appreciated the stability of our life together. Living in the same house for more than half her life and almost our entire marriage was very different from the uncertainty of her youth. I've always been a decent provider and I know she was very upset when right around bomb-day that I was interviewing for a job that would have both been a cut in pay and also less stable - but a lot more interesting. Even though she was in the throes of her affair and those dreams - whatever they were - she made her displeasure clear at the possibility of a decrease in her stability.
Now she's laid off from the job she loved and that in large part defined her. She burned a lot of bridges with people and organizations that were key parts of her life back then so she doesn't have that any more. She had started drinking steadily about around when her affair started and given the whole "wine Mom" culture thing that seems to be pervasive I can see that being a regular part of her life. She is a bit of a problem drinker. Not that she have a problem with the drinking, but tended to make very poor choices and say thing that she shouldn't when she did drink. I always drank more than her, but tended to tell longer, more boring stories when I did and then go for a nap.
She does have quite the temper though and I always wondered how and why OM put up with her. Her only real risk is if OM goes "a-wandering" which is certainly not out of the question. While my ex maybe would have few good choices to replace him, as I am well aware, there are quite a few available women out there. Perhaps that's not crossed either of their minds though
Ah well - not my monkey. Not my circus. I certainly can't imagine her barging in to my wedding - whenever that might happen - bellowing out "I object". Nor can I imagine her doing anything other than trying to be a model wife right now fetching OM's metaphorical pipe and slippers upon demand. The dynamics of our marriage where she was very much dominant and in charge, based on the little I know, I can't see being repeated with them.
------------
Ah well - time to stick a fork into this post and call it done. I need to up my game a bit with work and dig in a bit more. It's far too easy to get distracted even when I've worked from home consistently for much of my career. One of the challenges with working from home is that the hours appear rather flexible. I get emails that expect fairly prompt responses from about 7:30 am to a bit after 6:00 pm most days. This makes sleeping in and putting pants on a challenge but fortunately for video conference calls, most can't tell that I'm "Donald Ducking" it
Depending on how the day goes, I may have a nice soak in the tub. Given the current state of the world, I now buy the extra large jug of epsom salts instead of the little packages.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Tigers don't change their stripes, don't assume her relationship with OM will be any better than hers with you was.
I know my ex seems happy with his new wife (who was not one of his affair partners thank goodness, and I don't have any ill will towards her). But I'm pretty sure eventually he will be critical of her too, she too will be dancing on eggshells trying to keep him happy, and she's stuck with a much older, grumpier, version of the guy I had. I had many good years out of my marriage and I probably got the best of him. I'm sure he misses many of my better qualities. But I wouldn't have him back on a silver platter now that I realize how much I was putting up with in my marriage and I suspect you wouldn't either.
I had many good years out of my marriage and I probably got the best of him. I'm sure he misses many of my better qualities. But I wouldn't have him back on a silver platter now that I realize how much I was putting up with in my marriage and I suspect you wouldn't either.
I've joked that I got all of her "good boob years" She had a very Rubenesque form when we met which then turned rather spherical after she found her preferred vocation of sitting on the couch eating potato chips. She trimmed down prior to and during her affair but pictures I saw of her from a couple of years ago have her being heavier than ever. And undoubtedly her health, skin and mobility issues continue to be a problem for her. And her temper and hoarding certainly aren't things I miss.
I've joked to S when she says "where have you been all these years" and say "in training". She's getting the guy with an established career, able and eager to cook and clean, who has no interest in "running around", and does his best to be an attentive partner in all the various roles he may have. I still have all my own hair including down my back and all my own teeth too and like to think that I clean up fairly decently.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew, i am not hijacking your thread. I just want you to see that many stories on here are parallel.
In this pandemic time, my ex-h has been in my thoughts. I do worry about him. Yes, he was awful and abusived to us at bomb but he was not that way through our entire marriage. He was a very good, loving, caring man and father.
I am also on his mind. He has tried to make contact many many times and he has succeded twice. We had a very serious discussion about " what if one or both of us get the virus? " " what are our wishes for our children ". It was not a pleasant subject but it needed to be discussed.
To my surprise, his work insurance companie will change and he is keeping me under his coverage. He is also putting me as the beneficiary of his life insurance, full pension and bonus for the spouse ( will give me 2 years of his full income). The kids get his vehicules.
His current woman would get the house they are living in right now which is not payed for.
If i pass, ex-h gets it all. ( in my view, all i have, i got because of him. My kids, my house, my luxuries. I could have lost it all. We could have had a life of struggle. )
We have no intention of getting back together but i guess in a way, we are still related??
I keep up with your story even though I don't respond.
That said kml is right a tiger doesn't change it's stripes. H and I had some good years but in hindsight I can see that he was always dissatisfied, always chasing that next high. Enough was never enough and since he looked for happiness outside of himself what happiness he had was fleeting and fake. He had no real joy and was just this judgemental grouch pouting because other people had better lives than he did. He was a total buzzkill. Once I got a job, the kids were older he saw an opportunity to start over with someone new.
Thing is no one has the power to give anyone a personality transplant. Change is hard, it's painful, takes a lot of time and there are no shortcuts. It's only been a year so H is still out every night living it up but the kids tell me he looks like death. He looked a little like that before of course it's just more noticeable now. He's still drinking heavily (blamed this on me), grouchy, close minded and judgemental. Kids say it's like trying to talk to a brick wall. Yep that's him.
Good to hear from you Exquisite. I hope you and the kids are staying safe up there. I presume you are still working but with appropriate safety protocols?
Personally I think your case is one of the many where the ex-spouse never really "let go" of what they left behind. It's good that he's stepped up and is concerned about you and the kids and has, while not a very active parent, has been involved. I recall one fairly recent time when one of the kids was in trouble and he mobilized to assist. Even though I know you can't really count on him, it's good that he has your back at least in part I'm sure.
----
Nothing much to report going on here. I thought I'd post though because I believe that it's more or less the 4 year anniversary of when I found out about my ex-wife's affair. And I'm bored. I recall the initial feeling of relief - believe it or not - when I found that out as it finally explained why she was wanting to leave. I kinda went downhill from there for a looong time. My but a lot of water has been passed since then. I can still remember finding that out and then confronting her quite vividly. Her defiance and shock was profound. But the memory is more like an old movie that I recall and not something that I'm emotionally invested in.
I was cleaning out my inbox for work and noticed an email from early February. "I have a persistent cough and perhaps a bit of a temperature so I am going to work from home today. Probably nothing to worry about but an abundance of caution is probably a good thing. "
I was unusually sick at the end of last year and again early this year. Could I be part of the hidden infections that are now being talked about? I'd just spent several days at the Great Wolf Lodge water park. It's rare that I miss work for not feeling well and I'm not one of those "heroes" who go in even when they shouldn't.
Completed some additional safety training for work this morning. One of the courses was on Covid 19 - interesting how the narrative around mask wearing has changed even in the last few weeks. I keep mine by the door now ready to grab.
I noticed this morning that I'm getting rather shaggy. I have a haircut appointment for Saturday that I've just canceled. Perhaps I'll need to learn to braid my hair again It used to be down well past my shoulders pre-bomb-day. For work I usually kept it tidy in a braid or bun and laughed at those with their tiny "man-bun" as mine was nearly fist sized. I know I won't trust myself with the clippers and probably not S either. Too bad that I'm not dating B - she was a hair-dresser when she was younger and usually cut her grandkids' hair.
I did get the back and top of the rabbit hutch done yesterday. Just the wire front and the pass-through between sections to do. I have to root around in my boxes of random junk to find some sort of hangers / fasteners for that. Might get that done today and then I'll have to get some help to carry it into the front porch. It will be nice to get that project off the list. S is supposed to bring some of the bunny accessories (not the Playboy sort) out. I can then focus on the plaster repairs to the front bedroom
I am down to 2 breakfast sausages and called the butcher shop I deal with. They are still open but all orders have to be called ahead and they will be doing the "curbside" thing. They said they should have my order ready on Saturday. I'm glad that they are still operating while doing their best to keep themselves and their customers safe. They do a lot of work with the local farmers. A lot of farmers are hurting pretty bad right now as getting their animals to market is proving difficult and I believe that some of the bigger packing plants have closed or reduced activity.
I did message S to ask if she wanted me to assemble her BBQ and for input on what menu she'll want for her birthday. No answer as of yet. There's lots of beef in the freezer so she could do ribs, steaks or burgers. She's pretty excited about getting a BBQ and having a place to use it which she's not had for quite some time. We'll be using Facebook video chat to pipe in those who won't be able to be here for various reasons. If the BBQ isn't together for whatever reason or if the weather isn't cooperating, I can certainly make something inside. When I was a kid it was always beans and wieners on birthdays and the cake had coins baked into it as treats. I'm having the cake made by a friend and don't own wieners and I'm not sure about baked beans so that might not be the plan.
She'd said she might be by this afternoon but I've not heard from her yet today. I did read that the section of lakeshore where S13 is staying with his Dad as a fair bit of storm damage so she may be involved in that. XH#2 doesn't currently have a car.
Well - break time's over.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Yes, i am still working. These past 3 weeks felt like an extended Christmas. We are all on overdrive. Our protocols include: sanitizing carts, door handles, debit machines, counters, freezer handles... everytime they are used . Markers on the floor to create a one-way flow. Maximum of 10 customers in the store. One person per houaehold. Call-in Program to place orders by phone or by e-mail with delivery or curb side pick-up No delivery fee for ALL SENIORS plus a one hour/day dedicated to them only. Sanitizing station throughout the store. No self-serve ( deli, bulk ). To protect ourselves, mask, face shield, gloves, sanitizer. We carry a heavy work load. We are understaffed but the crew who is present is AMAZING!!! We are rising to the challenge with very few complaints. We get special threats from some of our customers. The majorities are very understanding and compassionate. Sobey's is also showing is gratitude with bonuses for all employees working in this time of crisis
Overall, i am building up muscles and strenght. Lol We are doing great! Both of my girls are working by my side and we look out for eachother
It's FRIDAY at last. When I was on vacation I completely lost track of the days of the week. Even now it's tough.
S has been here for a few days now. I think her preference is to stay here rather than go back to her apartment but she does recognize that I do need some space. She asks me though if I "want" her to go and the only reasonable answer is no. I'd thought she was going back there last night as she'd talked earlier about staying here over the weekend but nope. I figure if we can survive this enforced togetherness then when I go back to traveling, it will be a breeze. I could certainly use a couple of days of empty house - maybe next week.
She picked up S17 and brought him out late yesterday afternoon. He's a decent kid and is super excited about the rabbit hutch. Even though he's small, he's amazingly strong and helped me carry the monster hutch out of the cellar and put it in the front porch. He's very pleased with it. I expect to finish it this weekend as all I need to do is to put the wire front on and cut out the doors. I expect that it weighs between 100 and 150lbs at at 8' long and 4' high is quite the thing to hoist around. And yes - this for 3 rabbits. I joked that we could probably fit a couple of the kids in it as an option.
This is the first time that he's been to the house since just before Christmas and the second time ever. I hadn't realized but it makes sense that he's been incredibly stressed about it. I think coming out for a concrete task helped a lot. S told me that when she drove him back to the apartment he commented essentially "phew - that's over". S made us a nice dinner of salmon and potatoes. She still hasn't figured out portion sizes for smaller groups so there were lots of left over potatoes and peas - pancakes this morning for me.
S17 is confident that the hutch will work well and that he and his buddies will be able to carry it into the place he's moving in to. The buns will probably come here in May for at least a while as they put the apartment together for move-out. The front porch should be fine for them. It's enclosed but not heated.
I'm glad that he came out and was able to wander around the place before his mother's birthday next week. He seemed fairly comfortable - we have a decent relationship I think in a "Mom's boyfriend" kind of way. It does cross my mind that he's seen this story play out a couple of times now so the fact that he's being positive is a good thing. He was super excited when I showed him the entrance to the warren where the wild rabbits live.
He had a grand time running (literally) around the back garden with the dog - I'm sure especially in current times - just being able to get outside is a relief for him. I somewhat expect him to be spending more time here and his mother and I will probably find a number of things that he needs to help with.
Once the hutch is done then the plan is to remove the false ceiling from the kitchen and start stripping the wallpaper off it in preparation for redecorating. I can manage up to 3 ongoing projects at a time. Many more and usually nothing gets done.
-------------
S and I talked finances and budget some more and are still on track to merge finances gradually. She has some debt and will be applying for a small consolidation loan in her name (I'll probably have to co-sign) at the credit union I go to. She's dropping the paperwork off for that today and they'll contact her by phone / email to sort things out. She has the divorce paperwork all ready to go too finally and will be trying to figure out how to get those filed. She thinks she can perhaps do it online although she'd prefer in person to make sure there aren't any bumps in the process. As of last she heard, her STBX has at least one steady girlfriend and perhaps one or two others he's been dating.
------------
I found an apartment that seemed ideal for S25 and sent the info to him. Its in the town where he works above a store with a nice bright balcony that the girls would enjoy. I was worried that he'd be offended about "Dad meddling" but he didn't seem to have an issue. He called the landlord and the voicemail was full so he also texted. I encouraged him to drive around the town to have a look to see what was available as many apartments never get listed online. He seemed to think that was a good idea - maybe he'll even do it
He is I believe now realizing that he needs to make an effort to find a place if he doesn't want to be part of the "P and S bunch". In some ways I do actually hope that he reaches out to his mother but doubt he will. They were always fairly close, closer than he and I. Even though I have no idea where she's living, she undoubtedly has space. And it was her who got me to be a "cat person" so the girls would I hope be welcome even if they may not remember her after all this time. I can only presume that she's up to date on everything but also know that I can't count on her to step up and help him out. She never did so why change that now unless it would allow her to be "mother of the year". I can't stick my nose in there in any way though.
-----
Going to go out at lunch for groceries and for my weekly trip to the post office. We don't need a lot but are out of some "essentials". I have the new fabric masks so will look stylish too. S has started carrying a mask with her but says that she's not been in a situation where she needs one as of yet as her only shopping has been in otherwise empty stores. The fabric masks are designed to have another disposable layer put in and the last time I used some tissues folded over which hopefully helped.
It will feel weird when this abates a bit and we can start going out again. My feeling is that we'll be in some form of lock-down through into the end of May. There isn't any talk here at all of re-opening anything. That will make it roughly 3 months. And even then I personally expect multiple waves of this as people start to move around again.
------
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
S does read a lot of books about ADHD and online articles and they seem to help her quite a bit.