I remember living with my Mlcer was very painful And I cant imagine knowing he was talking to oW...I was in denial of OW at that time so much nicer when he left
I feel for all you gals stuck with your MLCers during this situation
hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
~J~ Happy 1 month "Divorse-signed-but-not-filed" Anniversary.. wonder if ow knows.?
Any way...Once again, another ugly mlc display from 00. I was doing my thing & watching D3. I wasn't really paying too much attention to what he was doing. I know his routine by now. If I see him, I go elsewhere. He accused me of following him around. I explained/justified my movements. Let's not forget D3 here. She's a runner. So I'm constantly on the move.
I was mad, but also understand his frustrations during this time. His biggest beef is privacy. (TOO BAD!) "I can't even make a phone call in private." Oh please. Get over yourself! I said something under my breathe as he walked away.
He came back in with a new somthing he bought for the house. Seriuosly, what would the ow think! "The old one is trash; toss it out." I thanked him; it was a surprise. The old one was trashy looking but funtioned fine.
Then, D3 says to him, what I muttered earlier. It was not meant to be repeated of course. Ooops! Oh boy he was mad. What I had muttered was, "maybe you should stay/go to xyz's house." He wants privacy?! His bachlor buddy is within walking distance. I appoligized; never nice to hear a child say whats not meant to be heard. I was mad; I admitted it & confronted him on his earlier rudeness. "It's hard on me too. What should I do? What can I do to give you the space you need? I GET that you need space. But I'm just trying to do my things too. I don't always know where you are. I'll text more if that helps". He did his usual; not admit to being rude. Probably doesn't notice? Then he went on talking about something else.
The rest of the day I did my best to stay clear. Again, D3 is always with me. It's a small house, but we have a spacious backyard & pool. A garage/ mancave & front yard. So we are everywhere, but usually stay clear of the garage, unless we need to go in. It's ALWAYS locked. I knock before I enter. Use my own key. I texted my movements a few times today. He'd usually end up hanging out near us. .. so confusing. I think he felt bad. Good! He should! I kept my focus on my task. I was steaming. Geez. Two days in a row!
I'm finally sticking up for myself a little. I'm sick of tip toeing around him, being nice, going out of my way in my own house for this man who cheated on me, We signed our D papers! YOU didn't complete them! You've left us!, your back & wish you we're in fantasy land with ow. You're planning things with her..ugh..I hope it all blows up in his face.
Wow..I really vented there.
In the evening, as usual, 00 rallies to be Super Dad. He actually encourages I go out, AFTER I told him, "I need a break. Take her. I'm walking somewhere". I did a sunset ride. I was nice. Never long enough. 00 actually asked how it was. I think he'd been drinking..lol... a lot nicer.
After D3 & I had dinner (00 cooked..never eats with us..), he chatted with me about whatever... he was on his way to the mancave and said."Babe...you can just...yada yada yada". BABE? Yes. He called me that. We call D3 that & yes, he calls ow that. I pretended not to notice. Funny.
Time for bed.
Last edited by CanBird; 04/19/2009:48 AM.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Can. I'm sorry about your situation. It seems to be a very difficult place to be. MLCrs have volatile emotions. They lash out and want to blame, then play nice out of guilt. Seems to me that muttering under your breathe he can go elsewhere would be something your could politely say directly to him. "I'm sorry you are uncomfortable here. You are free to stay elsewhere if you want to."
Originally Posted by CanBird
He accused me of following him around. I explained/justified my movements.
You should never have to justify your actions in your own home. It puts you on the defensive, and looks like you are taking blame for a situation where you are blameless.
Can. I'm sorry about your situation. It seems to be a very difficult place to be. MLCrs have volatile emotions. They lash out and want to blame, then play nice out of guilt. Seems to me that muttering under your breathe he can go elsewhere would be something your could politely say directly to him. "I'm sorry you are uncomfortable here. You are free to stay elsewhere if you want to."
Originally Posted by CanBird
He accused me of following him around. I explained/justified my movements.
You should never have to justify your actions in your own home. It puts you on the defensive, and looks like you are taking blame for a situation where you are blameless.
Stay strong!
Grace
Hi Grace, and thank you for your reply. I do like how you worded telling 00 to stay elsewhere. I don't really care he heard it, but still felt bad. (I'm such a people pleaser).
In reality, I'm okay with H staying here, when it's calm! (Of course, him talking to ow in the middle of the night urks me, it's not a secret. But we dont talk about it. He goes into the garage. Same time, every night....barf..) On the positive, it's nice for D3 to have him around & at times nice for me too, when I get a break.
I have mentioned him staying at this friends previously; pre-CoVid. Since he'd already been here, and has helped us prepare for surviving this, and we get by most days, for D3, I did't insist he stay elsewhere. His time here is almost up. Seasonal essential work should be starting soon. Looking forward to that new chapter.
Grace, you are 100% right that I should not have to justify my actions in my own home. Especially durings these crazy times. Almost there... so close to being H free.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
I'm finally sticking up for myself a little. I'm sick of tip toeing around him, being nice, going out of my way in my own house for this man who cheated on me, We signed our D papers! YOU didn't complete them! You've left us!, your back & wish you we're in fantasy land with ow. You're planning things with her..ugh..I hope it all blows up in his face.
Wow..I really vented there.
Good. Vent. Here.
Yes, stick up for yourself. Tip toeing around the eggshells is tiring. Now, I’m not saying go and jump all over them either. Return your focus to you and D3.
”going out of my way in my own house for this man who cheated on me” - No need to go too far out of your way in your own house. Focus on you and do your own thing. You appear to be focusing a bit much upon H, pretty understandable when living under the same roof.
When H needs space, he has the garage. He used to hide out in there, and has being expanding his territory. It’s ok to,push back, not in a directly a confrontational way, just you and D3 living. You focus on you and leave it as a choice for H. If He doesn’t want to be around you and/or D3, needs his privacy, then he can choose to go to the garage. (Like a boundary isn’t it)
Like teenagers and their rooms. They do not want to around us in the living room, and I’m not going to go sit on my bed so they can have the family room to themselves. They can choose to remain or go to their room and be sullen by themselves all they want. Oh that tough love.
Grace is right about justifying.
Justifying to H is just going to be viewed as manipulative. Trying to explain things to an irrational, unlistening person, is rather pointless.
Yeah, muttering under your breath was a lower point than you’d like. Oh well, it happens, you are under stress as well. Having D3 repeat it is funny, sorry Can, it’s not what you want to happen. Ah, out the mouths of babes. There isn’t a much better mirror than that of a listening child.
Don’t worry, it’s not a big deal. Be gentle on yourself. It is good for H to get a bit of a push back once is a while too.
Let this go. You’ve apologized. Keep moving forward.
More focus on you, requires less justifications and explanations. You are just doing your thing in your house. Leaving H to choose his path. Join in or not.
Have a great day my dear.
It’s suppose to be plus 12 here today. Going to have a fire, and with sticks and outstretched arms, cook smokies and hotdogs over the dancing yellow/orange flames.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I'm finally sticking up for myself a little. I'm sick of tip toeing around him, being nice, going out of my way in my own house for this man who cheated on me, We signed our D papers! YOU didn't complete them! You've left us!, your back & wish you we're in fantasy land with ow.
It is YOUR house, it is YOUR space. Definitely try to take that power back. You don't need to text him your movements. He has the garage! Like you said, if he is so inconvenienced being there, he can go else where.
Originally Posted by CanBird
After D3 & I had dinner (00 cooked..never eats with us..), he chatted with me about whatever... he was on his way to the mancave and said."Babe...you can just...yada yada yada". BABE? Yes. He called me that. We call D3 that & yes, he calls ow that. I pretended not to notice. Funny.
My H does this too. He cooks for us and even asks me what we want to eat ahead of time sometimes. and then he'd either make it and bring it over or make it here in my kitchen. but he almost never eats with us. I do suspect that due to depression he's just not eating regularly anyway. but it is still very strange.
You've apologized, now let it go. This is your home and you should be able to go anywhere you want w/o having to text the man/child. The only place that appears to be somewhat off limits is the garage, so I would try to stay clear of that area unless you need something in an emergency.
You have a child, therefore, she's going to be running around and you certainly can't pen her up in one area for any length of time. Treat him like a teenager....if you want to sit or be in a particular area, go there and don't text him. If he doesn't like it, he can go elsewhere. Take back some of your control. Remember...you can control your actions, but you can't control his and yes, his emotions are running high and he will lash out...but you don't need to take it over something as silly as you are following him. Good grief! Next thing you know, he'll say you've tainted the pots and pans.
Control what you can and let the rest go. No more walking on eggshells and no more apologizing for "living" in your home and doing what comes naturally w/your daughter...being all over the place. He will either get over it or he can go stew in the garage.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
~j~ Today 00 shared his work is ready for him to return. It's normal for him to not get a lot of notice. At this point, I really don't know what the truth is. Yes he is going back to work, and who knows what is waiting for him on the other side. His journey.
I will be taking him to the airport. I wish him no harm. It's no big deal. The big deal will be reliving him leaving again. ReGreifing? Feeling the greif all over again. I can feeling it building, and I'm just tring to mirror his attitude. My emotions are very mixed.
There is no normal right now. And dealing with this mlc/ow/ d/ situation doesn't make it easy. I'm use to being a single mom when he's away, but this time is a million times different.
I'd better stop typing. My tears are building up. Can't let the flood gates open yet.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Can, consider reading Sheryl Sandberg's (Facebook COO) book about facing adversity, building resilience and finding joy. After her husband died unexpectedly she talked to some experts in the field of grief. I found it immensely helpful and wished I had read it much sooner. She talks in there about the three P's and right now I think you are struggling with the notion of permanence. How you feel now is not going to be the way you feel forever. Make sure when he is gone, you do have that good cry and let it out and keep letting it out when you need to. Enjoy your sweet girl.
