Still married couple from Scandinavia Part 2

[BenB]

Thank you LH,

I think she knows I'm not interested in friendship and knowing how she is, I think she just doesn't want to do any of the hard work...yet. She's just not there yet. Hasn't hit rock bottom etc etc.

Ginger, the app certainly doesn't require another phone. But it's only available on IOS which means you need an iphone. I´ve always preferred Android and didn´t feel like switching so I got an iphone that I use just for the app. It's not exclusively a dating app but also for networking. You can set your status to "only interested in friends and networking. But I haven't done that, I joined that community with the purpose of meeting an dating women.

That said, no dating app as far as I am aware of asks you if you are married, separated etc etc. I would not have been married if she had agreed to the divorce I filed back in September last year so I see no problem dating just because of a piece of paper says we are married.

[AnotherStander]

Hey B,

Glad you are still doing well! Sorry about your job being affected, I hope things get back to normal quickly once they start easing restrictions.

W has been coming over to my place a few times to hang out and play with the pug these past few weeks. I´ve allowed it since we were waiting to hear back if the lump she found is cancer or not.

Sounds like you're just being there for her, which of course is fine.

I can see she hasn't done any work on herself mentally, not that I have asked, but I still see signs of someone who wants to escape reality. It is not an attractive quality. While I've done so much work internally and focused on my growth, she seems to be the same person albeit kinder to me than when this madness started.

It's really hard to tell what's going on internally though. And I know we talk about how sometimes they have an epiphany and beg to get back together, but that's not always the case. I think I've mentioned my friend before whose wife left him and moved in with OM. They sold their business and house and split the proceeds and went their separate ways although they never did officially get divorced. They didn't speak one word for almost 2 years. Their recon was long and slow and happened in baby steps. At first they just met over coffee, then eventually started going to movies and dinner together and it progressed from there. It was really like they started the dating process all over again. They are living together and happier than ever now.

I wasn't prepared for that question and all I could do was tell the truth

I don't see why you can't be honest about that.

Last week she messaged and asked if we should meet for lunch and we did. There she told me that she got the test results from the biopsy. The tumour was benign, they wouldn't remove it but they'll need to keep an eye on it.

That's great news! Especially right now when it's so hard to schedule surgery.

Two days ago she wrote and asked if I wanted to join for lunch but I politely declined(I was busy). Yesterday she wrote and asked if I was home. I didn't see the message so I replied about an hour later that I was now on my way home. 

Interesting. Sounds like she's missing you.

Anyway, I need to think long and hard about what I want but most likely I will send the letter soon and finalize the divorce. 

Have you thought about talking to her about it? Even if you're ready to proceed I think it would still be the polite thing to do.

[BenB]

AS, thank you and interesting question the last one.

I don't know how I would bring it up without looking like I'm insecure and having doubts about it. I'm curious if she has thought about it though.

More has happened since my last post. Saturday evening I was going out to dinner with a friend when during dinner W messaged me again -

Do you want to go and get a burger tomorrow?(our favorite burger food truck which is usually closed on Sunday´s decided to stay open that Sunday)They´re serving the triple cheese burger!

I didn't reply until the next day. didn't have any plans that Sunday but it just feels weird to keep meeting her like this. So I replied this below and I know I say too much as usual but I couldn't help it. Or more like didn't want to.

Me: I'm not interested in friendship with you. I wanted to be supportive since we were worried before the biopsy but we can't keep seeing each other like this forever. Don't you agree?

The moment I sent that I regretted asking that last question.

W: I mean, I understand where you are coming from, it's just you are the person I've known for the longest here and I like hanging out with you. For me, I want to be friends. Not like hang out all the time maybe. I appreciate the support for the maybe cancer thing, it helped a lot So no burger then?

Me: All that means is that we would hang out until one of us meets someone new. Look, I wasn't planning on seeing you again after everything that's happened but the moment you told me about that lump none of that mattered of course. I'm no monster and of course I'll help you in a crisis like this. But no, we can't be friends.

W: Yeah I understand and I see that you are in a better place. Now I feel more like myself too. For months I was in a weird state of panic or sadness or just feeling like I didn't care about anything. I know you are no monster at all. And you will always be one of the closest persons to me because we've known each other for so long. And like I said, thank you for being there in a time like that.

That was yesterday and I haven't responded to that. Is it a bit weird that she keeps mentioning that we have known each other for a long time? Feels like she's talking about an old buddy of hers.

[LH19]

B,

The friend is annoying. She’s not ready yet. I bet once you get serious with someone else she will want you back. Next time she asks you make it clear you’re not interested in a friendship.

[Mumin]

Hi Ben, glad to see you back on the forum!
Really sorry to hear about ur business!

Given the circumstances with the cancer I think you handled it really well.

In regards to the filing I would probably at least notify W.
Since none of you have someone new its definitely not something you need to rush.
How do you feel? Dating-app and all.
(The App sounds awesome btw. I just got badoo and I am just mostly bored)

Still working out like crazy?

[BenB]

Thanks LH,

I don't think she will ask again after I said we can't be friends. But she might think of excuses to contact me for things that we've agreed are "important". Time will tell.

Thank you M,

Sorry but I need to hear from the vets here.

I think you mean well when giving advice and appreciate that. But the vets have been here long and have studied hundreds or more situations. I hope that makes sense and again, sorry if I seem ungrateful, that is not my intention at all.

But to comment on what you wrote, I don't see how I could notify her. Any wording I can think of would give her the impression that I want her to stop me from proceeding.

Do you mean how I feel about the dating app? I've used dating apps for a while now but been less of that lately.

Yes, working out almost as much. Fortunately gyms are open here but I do at home workouts for cardio whenever I'm not lifting weights. So some type of workout 6 days a week. Makes me feel good and allows me to have cheat meals every once in a while. Hope you are doing well!

[Mumin]

Totally get that Ben, no worries!
Personally I like to get as much input as possible but whey most vets more heavily.

My question was more about how you feel about D.
Your post from the other day you sounded a bit like you aren't 100% sure.
Do you have any reasons not to finalize?

Great to hear about the gym! I Went today as well.

[BenB]

Thanks M,

About the D, I just ordered the final paper work needed but knowing myself, I will hold on to the letter and not send it immediately. It just feels so final. I need to think about this for a few days or so. I don't want to be married to a person who sees me as a friend. But like AS said, it's really hard to tell what goes on internally with her. I know she misses me but the question is, does she miss me because she is spoiled and misses her days of being secure and comfortable. Or does she just miss being with me.


Perhaps, or most likely it's both but I don't know if that changes anything for me.

[AnotherStander]

B, regarding the final D papers I wasn't saying that you should temp check her (I- "is this really what you want?") I just meant that I thought it would be polite to talk to her and let her know you were sending it through, or "notify" her as Mumin put it. Just as a courtesy.

Your latest posts make it sound like she is still just trying to keep you in the friendzone. She may not have the long line of suitors at her door that she expected, so keeping you hanging on as Plan B probably makes her feel more comfortable. But let me ask you, do you want to keep the door open to recon? If you do, then maybe you should go have that burger now and then to remind her what she's missing. Don't be available to her ALL the time, but every now and then you might go do something with her. The key is letting her pursue while you stay a bit distant, which right now is exactly what's happening.

[BenB]

Thanks AS,

I´ll let her know before sending it, that makes sense.

Yes, I absolutely would like to keep the door open for recon if she can realize what she´s done and is truly remorseful about it. But too late to go to that burger place now and I don´t think she will ask again but we´ll see.

She was supposed to come over and get one of her boxes but wrote to me today that she thinks she has a fever. Hoping it's not that virus but I told her she absolutely needs to stay home then. An hour later she messaged again -

W: Didn't you have a 50-60´s music playlist? Can you share that with me somehow?

A bit of background on this. W and I used to love to listen to music from 50-60´s together. I made a playlist that was in the background during the dinner at our wedding. After the BD, I get nauseous if I hear any of those songs. Even today, as far as I´ve come, I can´t listen to to that. So I answered -

Me: Yeah, our wedding playlist.

Then I sent the spotify link, playlist is called "wedding mingle"

W: awww... thank you, I could only find a few