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I am very aware that she's having a relationship with somebody else. My focus is not that somebody else my focus is her. I've gradually come to realize that I have no control over her and I can only control myself. So it seems the general theme of all this is to try and detach from your wife, get your own personal life in order to solve your problems, and show her what kind of person you are.

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That is correct. But your focus must be on yourself not on her. What you must also accept is that she may never come back. When and if her current relationship doesn't work out she may just go on to the next guy, and the next guy after that who she is physically attracted to. In which case if you have worked on yourself maybe you will find someone who is truly worthy of your love and would never think to betray you.


Me:39 Her:35
Daughter: 6
Married: 11
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D-day: 5.7.14
She left: 1.26.14
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Okay so I have a question for you. May 17th wedding anniversary is coming up on October 29th. I'm supposed to detach.. we are still married, what do I do?

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Originally Posted By: PaulD
Okay so I have a question for you. May 17th wedding anniversary is coming up on October 29th.
I'm supposed to detach.. we are still married, what do I do?

Be good to yourself and buy yourself a present.

Buying her a present is not going to help your sich.

If you post on newcomers their is a thread I post as homework called pursuit and distance.
Read it .
Then stop pursuing!


Me-67, D35,S34
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Totally agree. You can't buy a person's love or affection. You'd only be making yourself look foolish. Believe me I've been there and done that. As Cadet said, treat yourself instead.


Me:39 Her:35
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Hi all,

I know this is not my thread but just wanted to add what is working for me (separated for scarcely over a month and detaching + GAL):

- go to opera, trips and museums on my own
- fresh work start in new position happening early 2020 hopefully
- weight lifting and running
- eating healthy
- planning activities with my children
- learning to play piano
- going out with friends, say no to nothing
- read DB/DR and other great books
- new cologne, taking care of clothes and beard

Here is a link to my thread in case someone could help me better understand my WAW

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2874204#Post2874204


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Me 29 W:29
M: 5yrs T:10yrs
S:6 yrs S:1 yr
BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19
Sep: 10/27/19
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Hi. Total newbie here. Just waiting for the book and looked at posts. Forgive me as I donít know how to start a new thread. Would you direct me to how to start working the process?

We werenít married but lived together for 4 years. Total together 5. He was a father figure or my kids. No affairs. But he felt I wasnít supportive and we argued too much so when I over reacted and pushed him away he left. It has been a year. Iíve tried Mort Fertel since May but I keep reaching out. He will respond but If relationship talk he will ignore. He has said too long, everyone knows, feelings not there anymore (used to be ďfeelings so strong donít know what to doĒ). So total different person. Iíve learned my mistakes and want to get back together and start anew, do it right but he isnít open to it.

Where do I begin with this new process that is taught by this program? Are expensive coaching sessions helpful? Mortís coach told me to stay friends and be open to a new relationship with someone new.

I have a hard time letting go....thank you for any information, direction, lessons.

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Alicia,

You need to create a new thread over on the Newcomers Forum. You would create a new thread just as you did this one. To help you a bit, copy and paste your posting from here into the new thread over there. You will have a larger audience there and lots of wonderful people will come by to visit, post and offer you support.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2876864 12/19/19 08:15 PM
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Thank you. I did that...I think.

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Thank YOU so much for writing this. Especially about being ready to detach. I am working on that too. I realize I am still triggered by the hurt he points at me, meaning I have not fully forgiven myself (for things that don't really need to be forgiven - just choices that were made that didn't turn out as well as expected - I started a business that took way more energy than I thought it would).


Me 41
H 34
Son 3.5
Married almost 4 years
West Coast of Canada
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