Why reason is there for the courts to not grant you 50/50? Does she have grounds?
Because if she doesn’t, it shouldn’t be a problem and there is not need for a battle, even if she fights it.
I believe I could get 50/50 in court. I just don't want to go there.
There are reasons I feel I have had to prepare a protective L defense just in case. Anything goes in family court. My W has used troubling language in the past 18 months about my parenting.
I have nothing but compassion for you but WTF does this even mean? What man backs down from spending time with his children? If it’s not to piss of the W then that’s exactly why they are in this situation in the first place.
Sometimes I’m ashamed to be a man.
One of my friends/mentors during this process has 3 kids and went through D about 6 years ago.
When he first D'ed, he agreed to 3 weekends out of 4. He worked FT in a demanding job, figured he got plenty of time with his kids on the weekends. Three years later, his XW came back wanting 100% custody. She accused him of abuse (making calls to CPS, etc.). He got a L who convinced him he should go for 50/50, which he never even wanted in the first place. He won, and now says it's the best thing he ever did.
He never would have gone for 50/50. He would have accepted his weekend role. I think many dads do this. Maybe I'm wrong. Definitely a generation ago, maybe not so much now.
And yes, you are right that I did a lot of stuff in the past to avoid pissing off my W. And that's partially why I'm here.
No it still goes on now U but most of it is by choice. I’ve had 25-30 first dates over the last year and a half and off hand I think maybe 2 shared 50/50 custody. The girl I’m dating now has 90 percent custody. Just blows my mind that men are willing to give up time with their children. If that’s their choice then no judgment. If they are backing down then they are pathetic in my opinion.
And yes, you are right that I did a lot of stuff in the past to avoid pissing off my W. And that's partially why I'm here.
I bet it will feel amazing when you demand and get your 50/50 of the kids and only give away the money she's entitled to. It sounds like that day's coming soon, even if the courts are slow just now.
I have never posted to you, however you need to go for 50/50 custody with your children. They are only children once and their childhood will go fast. You have that right as their father.
I'd rather give it my best shot and fail, than allow fear to cause me to make a choice I'd regret. To me, your time with your children is priceless. It seems that you fear dragging your kids through the legal mud. I get it. That being said, they will know how important they are to you by doing what is right.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
In the previous page of this thread, you mentioned that your W is controlling and also that you feared conflict. What I know about a WAS, is that they will use fear to their advantage.
Not only would you be doing the right thing by being aggressive in your pursuit of 50/50 custody, but you would also be doing a significant 180 from what was the norm in your MR.
These situation are like a bully dynamic. The WAS plays the role of the bully and the LBS plays the role of the target. Once the target stands up to the bully, the dynamic changes and the bullying usually stops. The target might get their tails handed to them, but they just gained respect.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
LITB ~ You are right about that dynamic. It's so ingrained now that I think it won't change overnight.
I am completely fed up and yet trying to remain polite and business-like, not letting my emotions shine through. I made a proposal a few days ago that would get us to 50/50 by fall and avoid court, while leaving room to mediate on other issues, and my W's response was to plead to the mediator about how hard her life is right now. The mediator seems annoyed that I made an offer outside mediation but so be it.
W wants to revisit custody down the road, ramp up work really slowly, and claims this is all best for the kids, we are away from friends and family, this is so devastating, etc etc etc. I hear these things and sometimes want to pull my hair out: "You wanted this divorce! What did you expect?!"
I know it's standard WAS script. The more I hear it, the more it helps me detach from the craziness.
Can't post much here about details of my situation at the moment. Things are not really moving, but there is a lot of pressure for things to move in some direction.
I'm feeling really strong emotionally, but my kids leave today for a few days so there is a tinge of sadness. I could be stronger, especially when they are gone, but for me, I'm feeling great. This weekend we all started riding bikes and scooters around the block for the first time, rather than just in our driveway -- 2 miles yesterday! Things always feel good when they are here. I know I'm a good dad.
I've learned a few lessons this last year:
1. Never, ever, ever, ever write a letter. No apology letter, no love letter, no outpouring of earnestness. It can and probably will be used against you, either emotionally or possibly even legally.
2. If you aren't willing to walk away from a relationship if your needs aren't met, you need to work on yourself. Doesn't matter if you have 10 kids together and have been married for 30 years. You can be in the happiest MR possible today, but you always need to be willing to stand up to have your needs (assuming they are reasonable) met.
3. If you can't get in touch with your own values and feelings, you will forever be susceptible to feelings of self-doubt. Others, intentionally or not, will undermine your self-confidence in your decision making. You are susceptible to gaslighting. You can easily get sucked into a vortex of negativity and will struggle to detach and self-differentiate. You will start to make mistakes -- thinking you are DB'ing when in fact you are continuing to perpetuate a lousy situation. Enlist support if needed to help you, but don't "poison the well" - seek 1 or 2 trusted friends (ideally not family), go to IC, seek legal counsel (discreetly).
4. Find out what works for you. It's different for everybody. If something doesn't work, ditch it and try something else. You will find things that work for you. It won't happen overnight. Don't give up on the process.
5. Validation can be a dangerous technique if used unskillfully, depending on your situation (especially if you are not detached). Validation can be mistaken as acceptance. Personally, I wish I had used active listening (here is what I hear you saying) rather than validation (I can understand how you could feel that way), given the dynamics of my situation at the time.
#3 is a biggie for me. My W, MC2, heck even our mediator - all of them have had me, at moments, doubting my self-worth, my confidence in my own decisions. Anyone who has read my posts over time has probably been, at times, ripping their hair out hearing me vacillate and question myself
