I don't know what is up with him, but he seems really upset. Came home from work yesterday and just buried his head in the pillows - seems down and depressed.
I'm really trying not to examine his behaviour and not to try to guess at what it means. He's avoiding me today which is new and still seems sad.
I did my hair and my makeup and am keeping my head high. I'm enjoying my kids and getting work done.
So he's gone out yesterday and today. I don't ask where only if I can expect him for supper.
My mind is racing with where he could be going, trying to find clues in what he says and wears. I know I shouldn't and I try to stop my mind, but it's so hard.
I think he's going to do work on his new place. It really amps my anxiety that he does not really worry about social distancing or using hand sanitizer and is still going out, but I keep quiet.
I'm reaching out to my family doc next week to see about anxiety medication. I need help dealing with this and can't handle it on my own.
I'm trying hard to keep up a happy front but it is getting harder as his leaving becomes more real.
I'm so conflicted (what else is new right?) We had a good evening as a family yesterday including wrestling around (the kidlets love it) and H kept pinning me and being hands on (in a fun playful way) Then today he pulled a prank on me, so I threatened (in jest) payback. I did, one thing led to another and he initiated intimate time. Now I'm back to being normal - acting happy but distant, not reaching out to touch or thinking everything is peachy. He thanked me for cleaning after dinner, for the first time in I don't know how many months. He also has not reached out in even a casual touch. I've never been one for casual encounters, so I don't even have that to fall back on to know how to act. I realize I probably shouldn't have done it, but one of his chief complaints about me was that I never wanted to, and well, to be honest, I really wanted to. How bad did I mess up? Set myself back?
He actually watched TV with me last night which is odd -it's probably been at least 6 months.
He's flirty and playful with me but still went out today for a couple of hours without saying a word about where he's going. (I don't ask, but it's killing me)
He's bringing me treats and making meals, but then will isolate himself within the house and be all closed off.
I don't know how to act. I'm so confused and scared of doing the wrong thing. I know not to bring up marriage talk, I know not to pursue, but I'm also supposed to 180 and one of his complaints was that I never initiated physical affection. Am I supposed to do casual touches now? Or is that pursuing? I really need the advice of a veteran here.
I don't know how to act. I'm so confused and scared of doing the wrong thing. I know not to bring up marriage talk, I know not to pursue, but I'm also supposed to 180 and one of his complaints was that I never initiated physical affection. Am I supposed to do casual touches now? Or is that pursuing? I really need the advice of a veteran here.
If you are confused, it means your H has not fully come around yet. vets often say, if the WAS is ready to come back, you will know. If they're not, you will be confused.
It sounds like you still need to work on your detachment. Let go of the fear of doing the wrong thing. This is not the time to initiate physical affection because he already wants out. I think doing 180 is more about other things you can work on yourself.....such as if you felt like you haven't done anything for yourself and was codependent in the M, do a 180 on that!!
I totally understand that we are not at piecing, and he is not fully come around. I see this as maybe he is checking his blind spot to possibly turn around. I am trying very hard not to read anything into any gesture, word, text etc or I will drive myself nuts. I do still do it, but I am getting better.
I totally need to work on detachment and it is a lot of self talk every day trying to improve that. I've even gone back to my co-dependent no more book.
I am still not taking care of him - I don't do his laundry, make his lunches, remind him of things etc. It's hard because at times where he's looking for something, and if I find it and hand it to him, I question myself - was that taking care of him or just being a decent human?
I'm enjoying taking my time in the evenings now to do my crafts, watch my shows or just chat with friends vs cleaning and planning etc for the household. I close the curtains, so I don't watch out the window for him to come home from his drives.
The fear of doing the wrong thing is so deeply embedded. Pre-corona, I was working on that with my counsellor. It was interesting, yesterday I forgot to push the thingy in for the shower so when he went to get the kids' bath ready it sprayed on him. Usually, I would be horrified and apologetic and feel awful and get him a towel etc. Yesterday I just burst out laughing and he did the same (and then it started a bit of a water splashing game that the kids thought was hilarious! )
How I react to things can have such an impact - but letting go of my need for perfection and feeling like I need to be the perfect wife and mother all the time, as made things more enjoyable. When he comes home from work and is grumpy, I no longer try to analyze if I said/did something wrong. I tell myself he had a bad day and I am pleasant and don't acknowledge it. I am not responsible for his moods/feelings and that is so very freeing to know.
I've re-read the post on detachment and am trying to implement it! I also re-read the post on the dance of the pursuer and the distancer. Right now it's a bit strange - I used to pursue emotionally but distance physically. He would pursue physically and distance emotionally.
He's initiating more conversations with me, bringing up happy times in the past and is acting flirty about 75% of the time and stand-offish the other 25%.
I noticed yesterday that I'm actually walking around the house now with good posture and my head up, instead of looking down and trying to make myself small and unnoticeable.
We were talking with the kids yesterday and I contradicted him on something small, realized it and let it go. I didn't keep pushing my point or ague it, because I would rather be happy than right. Afterwards, I approached him and apologized for it. (Neither things I would have done before)
We actually laid in bed and talked last night about random things like we used to instead of him just turning his back on me.
I know the possibility of him moving out is still there, but I'd like to hope that if/when he does, maybe we'll use that time to date each other and rekindle, instead of destroying what we have.
Cest_Moi, I just read your whole thread and I feel like I could've written so many of your posts myself!! My H has also struggled with depression and we are in what I think he feels is an in house separation, with my H making comments about moving out. We are doing the same dance as you are with my H being cold and hot, sometimes affectionate and other times withdrawing. And my H's love language is also physical and one of his complaints was that we were never on the same wavelength in terms of frequency. I've wrestled too with wondering if I should try to initiate intimacy, but have received guidance that he likely is only using me for satisfaction.
I don't feel like I'm wise enough to dispense advice but just wanted to let you know I'm in the trenches with you. My H also will tell me he's running an errand and be gone for hours (which is awfully strange at the time since I'm in a state where bars, restaurants, etc are shut down...) and I struggle so much not asking what he's doing. In the past, we've always been transparent with each other so it's tough for me. I'm working on feeling more confident about myself and sometimes it means faking it til I make it. I also find that if I come and go to the house and don't tell him everything I'm doing, it piques his curiosity..
Rosy, I'm sorry you're going through this too! I completely fake it until I make it!!
I've decided to journal the changes that I want to/am making - I started thinking about them in my head and realized that there are a lot of little changes I've made that I can be proud of that I haven't even thought about
