You definitely have a lot on your plate, that is true. I don't have kids and I find I'm struggling a lot right now. So give yourself credit - you're doing the best you can in a freaking pandemic, no less. It's ok to feel this way.
A while ago you gave me some advice that has stuck with me. I can't remember the exact quote but it went something like this - the universe will present you with whatever lesson it is you are supposed to be learning, until you have learned that lesson.
I find my anxiety mounts when I think of everything I am going through all at once. One of the things I've tried to do is to stop piling it all up, and focus on each problem - one at a time. I make a mental.or physical list of all my problems and then see if there is anything I can do about each of them. If there is - great. If not, I do my best to leave that problem for another time.
Usually when we struggle the hardest - when we have the toughest time - is when we are fighting whatever it is that is going to happen. Maybe the solution hasn't been fully "cooked up" yet or it hasnt had time to "marinate" enough. Call it fate or the universe or god - whatever it is - this "existence" we are all experiencing. At least that's the best I can describe it.
Hang in there man - these are difficult times we are living in - remember to forgive yourself.
Thanks IW. I cribbed that quote about the universe from a podcast, I'll have to look up the exact wording because it was fantastic.
My IC advises filling out thought records in times of extreme anxiety. This has helped me, because usually I can identify the 1 or 2 thoughts that are really driving the anxiety, and the remaining thoughts can be set aside.
Mediation was completely emotionally draining today. I haven't stood up for myself like that this whole time. I feel like collapsing on the ground and sleeping for 12 hours. My STBXW and I haven't gotten into it like that, well, maybe ever. I wasn't angry or shouting, I just said that I don't agree with her characterization of events, of who I am, and that we would end up in court if there is not movement.
One issue is holding everything up. My instincts are to sacrifice on all other issues if we can resolve this one. It would mean we could avoid legal fees and court so sacrificing on financial items would be well worth it.
Interesting... I hadn't heard that version of the quote before. I constantly remind myself of this idea.
I woke up today feeling highly anxious and overwhelmed. This is becoming a familiar pattern on some days. On these types of days, I feel I spend most of my time piecing things back together and calming down. Work, focus on the present, deal with things one at a time.
I know from IC that these feelings stem from exaggerated thoughts, worrying about the future, regretting the past, reliving painful events.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm being overly dramatic to think that I am dealing with trauma, or that I am traumatized by this experience. I don't take that word lightly, and don't want to imply that my experiences match what other people have suffered which make my problems pale in comparison.
I'm not a perfect parent. Being told I am impulsive, a danger to my children, that I need treatment, that I am untrustworthy... by the person I loved more than anyone in the world... it beats me down. A lot. I try to draw strength and anchor myself to my own reality. This does not come easy for me. I was raised by a domineering mother whose moods ruled the home. I learned to accept another person's version of the truth as the objective "truth". It is my default mode of operation. It takes considerable mental effort to re-anchor myself and overcome my instincts. This is a process I have been learning the past year.
So on days like this, I feel like I am climbing a tall mountain and I know I will get to the top and feel better within a few hours. And maybe tomorrow morning, I will wake up again at the base of that mountain and have to start over again.
So many doubts about what I want, what's best for me, what's best for my kids, where am I going...
I’m going start by saying that I truly don’t want to discount your feelings and you are certainly entitled to them.
Having said that as far as WWs go you have a walk in the park. Sure she’s an unreasonable lunatic but that’s about the extent of it. There is a guy on here whose w has 3-4 boy friends and he’s being extorted by an unknown person.
As far as parents go I was raised by a narcissist and an avoidant. Pretty one only wanted to talk about himself and the other thought nothing was wrong. Guess what U we don’t get to pick our parents.
I have posted this before that my ex and I hammered Out our D in 15 minutes in the bedroom. Not much to figure out. 50/50 custody non negotiable, split assets 50/50, you take whatever out of the house except my 2 TVs. Boom done. Now I know all divorces are not equal but come on U.
This situation stinks I totally get it but it’s time to push it thru and start to move on.
I woke up today feeling highly anxious and overwhelmed. This is becoming a familiar pattern on some days. On these types of days, I feel I spend most of my time piecing things back together and calming down. Work, focus on the present, deal with things one at a time.
I know from IC that these feelings stem from exaggerated thoughts, worrying about the future, regretting the past, reliving painful events.
As I've probably told you before, the two E. Tolle books "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth" have revolutionized the way I see life now. They were an "awakening" moment for me - where I realized that I had spent the first 45 years of my life living totally consumed by worry and thoughts over things I had no control of.
The future hasn't happened yet, and we cannot do anything to change the past. So why do we spend all our time living there and thinking about those times - when all we ever have is this moment - now. That is not to say forget everything that ever happened, or never think about the future, but it is to remind ourselves that this time is all we ever have and to focus our energies on the present moment.
It wasn't an overnight change for me, you don't rid yourself of a 45 plus year habit in one moment, but it is one I remind myself of every single day whenever I feel the surge of anxiety happening. It is remarkable how much that simple reminder and 4 good deep breaths can calm you down.
Originally Posted by unchien
I'm not a perfect parent. Being told I am impulsive, a danger to my children, that I need treatment, that I am untrustworthy... by the person I loved more than anyone in the world... it beats me down. A lot. I try to draw strength and anchor myself to my own reality. This does not come easy for me. I was raised by a domineering mother whose moods ruled the home. I learned to accept another person's version of the truth as the objective "truth". It is my default mode of operation. It takes considerable mental effort to re-anchor myself and overcome my instincts. This is a process I have been learning the past year.
Yes, you and I are eerily similar here (except that I have no kids). There are no quick fixes here, U - the only way to push past this is to do it, to force yourself to stop thinking in the old patterns. Unfortunately it is a developmental issue from childhood, and I think that is why it takes so much effort to break out of this pattern. It can be extremely frustrating.
On my end, I was subconsciously putting my W into that pattern. She realized it was unhealthy long before I could even understand why I was acting/feeling this way. She did her best to try to get me to see that I needed help. I knew I needed help, and had planned on going to IC when finances were better but I didn't realize how deeply it had impacted my life until her crisis point hit and then it became glaringly obvious.
It takes time and practice. There are no shortcuts and nobody is going to do it for you, or for me. The truth stings sometimes but that's the cards we were dealt.
Originally Posted by unchien
So many doubts about what I want, what's best for me, what's best for my kids, where am I going...
One day at a time, U. That's how we live life. Try to be the best person we can be each and every day and put one foot in front of the other.
It wasn't an overnight change for me, you don't rid yourself of a 45 plus year habit in one moment, but it is one I remind myself of every single day whenever I feel the surge of anxiety happening. It is remarkable how much that simple reminder and 4 good deep breaths can calm you down.
Thanks IW. I've followed many of those same steps, and they work quite well when my anxiety is at maybe a 6/10 or lower. When it peaks higher, it is tough to wrangle. I feel like there are 10 different "old pattern" thoughts I need to address one by one via the techniques I've learned to disarm them.
Examples:
- This is all my fault. - I'm incapable of doing this. - I can't do this on my own. - I'm a wreck/mess. - My kids are suffering through my actions.
and on and on and on... Throughout the day I gradually work these items down, but it's emotionally exhausting. I dread waking up sometimes.
Originally Posted by IronWill
On my end, I was subconsciously putting my W into that pattern. She realized it was unhealthy long before I could even understand why I was acting/feeling this way. She did her best to try to get me to see that I needed help. I knew I needed help, and had planned on going to IC when finances were better but I didn't realize how deeply it had impacted my life until her crisis point hit and then it became glaringly obvious.
My W definitely fits a pattern of being controlling, insecure about certain aspects of her life, and likes to lead and set the direction.
It's hard to say if I pushed her in that direction. She has always had pieces of that, even during our best times. Perhaps our interactions cemented things or made them more extreme. Maybe my fear of conflict made things worse.
I have GAD. Anxiety and FOA/NGS pushed me at times to feeling desperate about my MR. That scared my W. Even though her academic background is in mental health, I don't think she ever understood because she handles her own issues differently. I think she saw me as dangerous and unpredictable, whereas I just wanted to talk and make an effort to work on the MR.
This was an anxious-avoidant dynamic at its worst.
I felt completely ignored when we moved. I worked and made the money, came home, and my job was to assist with child-care and the housework. I had zero life outside of work. I didn't stay at work late, I didn't go anywhere on the weekends. W seemed depressed and tired and snippy all the time. She didn't want to move from hometown, but financially we could not make it work. W and I would go out to dinner once every couple months. We had a SSM. We would watch TV at night, share a drink, and go to sleep. When I had time off work, we went back to our previous hometown to visit W's family. Sometimes W would go by herself and I would watch the children for the weekend. I tried to do things to keep her happy. I also was at times passive-aggressive in my responses. She saw me as unhappy, I saw her as unhappy.
Incidentally, anxiety is not some catch-all excuse. I don't see it as "Oh I have anxiety I just can't help it." It's my responsibility to manage it, get it under control, and make sure my actions and words are measured. I've made a lot of progress. I also know it will always be there, always something I need to work on. I know that anxiety can lead people to make some truly awful decisions. I made some decisions I regret, but I also have compassion for myself and recognize I am not the monster I have been portrayed to be. Pulling the car over to talk to my W at night was a regrettable and poor decision - I had zero intent of any harm. Does that make it right? Absolutely not, I should have respected her need for feeling safe and approached her at a different time. She also had shut me down for months and I hadn't yet found DB. I'm not sure by then if we could have corrected course.
Again, the anxious-avoidant dynamic, at its worst.
I wish we could have just talked. That's the thing that hangs me up. Just once, have an honest conversation, where I could at least attempt to explain my perspective.
I see other sitches on here with anxious LBS's. I can see how they want to reach out to the WAS and talk. Things can go so wrong... the avoidant's desire to connect can be seen as desperation, emotional instability, dangerous, abusive.
The person I am now would not have made so many of these decisions. It's possible our MR would have corrected course, if I could transport myself back in time with the lessons I have learned. But I could not have become the person I am now without going through this process.
The person I am now would not have made so many of these decisions. It's possible our MR would have corrected course, if I could transport myself back in time with the lessons I have learned. But I could not have become the person I am now without going through this process.
Isn't that the rub though? It's only now that you could see all of the errors of your ways. I think that realization actually makes it worse, if I'm being honest, because it wasn't some core incompatibility, it was something addressable all along.
But the good news! There's a great quote in the NGS book, which basically says that once people come to grips with NGS and come out the other side, they're often the best (second) husbands in the world. So you're right - you're not the person you were six months ago, nine months ago. You're not going to repeat the same mistakes, and great things are ahead.
Frankly my recent emotional tailspin is due to the legal process moving and my kids. It's fear of the future, and insecurity about my parenting (which every parent has at some level, I don't care who you are). It's not due to feeling the loss of my W. I can't remember the last time we shared a genuine moment of happiness that wasn't tinged with tension.
Disappointment is the primary feeling I have when thinking about the MR. We had something pretty great for awhile. Our kids could have had something really great. We were financially set up great. If the two of us could have just worked harder at it, or something. I don't know. I know I need to let it go, there's no magic time machine to go back.
I built something for 15 years. It fell apart. Now I'm left with the scraps and need to start building again. This time, I have 3 kids, estranged parents, huge support payments, and I'm living in a new place where I barely know anybody. It's going to be hard. Life is short, I only have one life, might as well embrace the challenge.
